This is a no nonsense straight to the point type of book. While thought provoking, this book will enhance a woman's relationship while prompting her to reevaluate past and current relationships. This book will be a tool of reference for women to resort to when deciding whether or not she should pursue the man she is interested in. When a man loves a woman he will come and do what is asked of him. Whereas when a man is in love with a woman he will do what is expected of him. The many books that have been written on matters of love and intimacy, fail to encompass the fact that women enter relationships for various reasons.

Ladies, The Writing Is On The Wall

Why Men Do the Things They Do, When Allowed?By Adrian Weber

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2010 Adrian Weber
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4490-7659-7

Contents

Acknowledgments.............................................................viiAbout the Author............................................................ixPreface.....................................................................xiIntroduction................................................................xvii1. Are you Ready to Hear This?..............................................12. What Exactly is It that You're Looking For?..............................23. Be Honest with yourself..................................................254. The Writing is On the Wall...............................................325. Listen to His Mom (being a good listener)................................526. Why Relationships, Why not remain Single?................................627. There's No Turning Back from Awareness...................................708. No Excuses, You owe it to yourself.......................................759. My Survey ...............................................................7910. To Love or to be in Love, there is a difference ........................83A Little Q & A Session......................................................93

Chapter One

Are you Ready to Hear This?

Ladies, what if I was to tell you that much of your failed relationships could have been avoided. I know this may not be what you want to hear but it is the truth. Allow me to further explain why. I've heard women say time and time again, "I should have known better", or "he never seemed to care" or the classic, "I knew he wasn't right for me." I know what you're thinking right now, "what is your point?" Well let me reiterate on something I mentioned earlier. A confident woman has the capacity to know when a relationship is in danger of going awry. In other words you don't have to be told by your family members, mother, girlfriends or colleagues to know when it's simply not working out. You already have strong intuitive abilities to determine whether or not the man you're with is right for you. Despite this fact some women still remain in the relationship (sometimes even an abusive one) because they feel they can change the man they're with. Well I'm here to tell you, unless that man has exhibited to you in the past or present that he is willing to change, he's not going to. If you accepted or tolerated his unwanted or abusive behavior to begin with for any period of time, what makes you think he's going to change for you now?

While dating or seeking a potential mate a lot can go through a woman's mind in making the right decision. A man will quickly become very complacent in doing whatever he's accustomed to doing if you allowed this behavior in the beginning. In essence, if he told you from day one that he didn't want children or doesn't see marriage in the near future, why then would you think he would change his mind? With that being said, I present to you the first scenario.

The Scenario:

I should have known he didn't want to get married. Linda angrily thought this to herself as she left for work this morning. He always looked away from me whenever I asked him if he ever had plans on marrying me. We've been seeing each other for approximately three years now and every time I bought up the subject he looked away or would change the subject. It almost seemed as if he were sinking into his chair whenever I ask him. I remember him saying in the beginning that he had no interest in getting remarried because of his last divorce and often complained about how much the divorce set him back financially. Linda said to herself, "I'm going to call him and speak to him giving him an ultimatum or I'm walking."

That very same day, Linda called James during her lunch break to do just that. He seemed receptive to what I had to say and understanding as well Linda thought. Maybe he will give in and marry me after all, she thought to herself. The very next morning they met for breakfast at his place and Linda casually bought up the subject of marriage as she did on numerous occasions asking James if he made a decision. It was his usual routine every time Linda brought up the subject of marriage. James hesitated, looked away and gave Linda a non definitive answer, "honey how many times do I have to tell you, I can't afford to get married right now?" He further elaborated, "but I promise you once my finances are straight we can discuss your dreams of getting married then. You know I just finalized my divorce", James would politely explain. But for some reason, Linda no longer accepted a lack of money as being a legitimate excuse. Linda quickly explained, "Honey, if its money you're worried about, I can pay for the wedding and all you have to do is show up." (Big Mistake ... See note at bottom of page). For this, James had no answer, so by James remaining silent, Linda started to make arrangements the following week for an elaborate wedding. The wedding was scheduled in the month of May for the following year and all of her friends and family were to attend. Linda was so excited that she even invited James' daughters who were products of his previous marriage. James' daughters did not agree with there relationship cause they often considered Linda much too old for their father. While James being 32 Linda was a stunningly attractive woman at 48 years of age and James daughters often referred to her as a cougar. Linda with two sons of her own to raise, was often the subject of controversy in James' household.

You see, Linda all ready had one failed marriage and unbeknownst to her, she was on her way to being divorced for a second time and didn't even know it. Linda seemingly was everything a man would want in a woman. She was a successful entrepreneur, attractive and very intelligent. She was also very assertive and well accustomed to getting what she wants. James himself was a foreman for a large construction company located in Manhattan, N.Y.. Needless to say, Linda spent nearly $80,000 on a wedding whereas the groom himself nor did any of his family members care to show up. Not only was Linda humiliated and trust that humiliation was the least of her worries. Linda would be in debt up to her neck for years to come and not to mention single once again.

Note: I actually attended this wedding. I've read about the runaway bride, but the runaway groom ..., now here's an interesting twist ... Ladies, I know I shouldn't have to tell you this but whenever you have to bribe your man in to marrying you, something Ladies, The Writing Is On The Wall is terribly wrong. I suggest ending the relationship during its infancy stages if marriage is important to you and he doesn't express any intentions on marrying at all.

The Lesson:

Linda knew that James had cold feet when it came to the subject of marriage. She knew of this at the very beginning of their relationship. Every time she mentioned marriage James would look away while he seemed to shrink in his chair and change the subject. His body language said it all. Even his responses indicated his distaste for being remarried. If you've noticed I purposely italicized his words, "your dreams." Simply put Linda's dreams of getting married were never his dreams and he referred to it as such.

When a man cares about you he will also care about what is important to you. Your dreams will become his or he will help you to achieve them if he plans on staying in a relationship with you. He will be interested in what you have to say and be attentive if the subject being discussed involves your future with him. Even if he is not interested in the subject being discussed, a man will still be attentive if he really loves you and cares about how you feel.

Linda, if a little bit more observant, would've picked up on his evasive gestures and attempts at changing the subject. After three years of observing this and his body language or attitude hasn't changed, guess what ladies, he's not going to change. I have to say, a man will be willing to change for the woman he is in love with. He will change financially, emotionally, and spiritually if he feels this is what you truly desire. Why, because love inspires people to do the things they normally wouldn't do. In this case she only saw what she wanted the outcome to be, and that was to be married once again. Linda made the mistake of discussing something so important to her over the phone. The subject of getting married or any topic of equal importance should never be discussed over the phone. I often advise others to refrain from discussing important matters of relationships over the phone. You want to observe his body language and see if his level of comfort contradicts his tone or words. This sounds like common sense, I know, but many women fall into this situation because of their strong desire to become married and being able to say, "this man belongs to me now." When in reality this is not what he wants at all. Not to mention James had this mind set from the beginning of their relationship so why would Linda expect him to change three years later? James has grown complacent over the three years they've been together. While Linda may have mentioned the subject of marriage a time or two in the past, she never got the response she was looking for. She also may have become very complacent in their relationship and didn't think that it would be an issue later on.

If you express to your significant other that you would like to eventually get married and ask "What are your feelings on getting married?" Check out his body language and listen to his response (more on body language in chapter 7). If he squares off his shoulders and crosses his arms, he has taken a defensive posture. He may also move backwards and away from you in his chair indicating that the subject being discussed is making him feel uncomfortable. People have a tendency to move away from the source causing them discomfort. During the course of a conversation, when a person pulls back and moves away from the source of discomfort, he/she is in disagreement with whatever the subject is being presented. These gestures indicated that the subject matter being presented to him is making him feel uneasy. Or if he constantly changes the subject when you bring it up, he simply doesn't want to discuss it and may have other plans for you.

Many women fail to realize that so much can be interpreted just by a man's body language alone. You just have to learn how to read them. I've been asked to interview and sometimes even interrogate certain individuals for many years now in my line of work. I have the ability to determine if someone is uncomfortable or open to any suggestions or ideas I may present to them. There definitely is a pattern of behavior involved with truthfulness as well as deceit. If you know what to look for, it's like reading a book. There are plenty of books written on the subject of body language and non verbal communication. Learning how to discover when he is uncomfortable or up to something will save you a lot of heartache in the future. There are some exceptions however. For example, I wouldn't advise bringing up the subject of marriage or children on the first or second date unless he brings it up. Bringing up marriage or having children may, especially during the first couple of dates discourage him from continuing the relationship if that's the furthest thing from his mind.

So in a nutshell, it's good to let a man know your intentions and what you expect out of a relationship but if he's not responding accordingly, it may be time to throw in the towel. Take time to get to know each other better before bringing these two subjects up. Honesty is always the best policy but sometimes too much honesty during the beginning can cause a relationship to deteriorate. I know of a police officer who was dating a medical secretary. Everything seemed to be going very well until three weeks into their relationship she told him, "I want to be married and pregnant with my first child by the end of the year." Now at the time, marriage was the furthest thing from his mind and although he wanted children, he felt he wasn't ready to be a father just yet. Even if you felt it was meant to be, you may scare him away if you bring this subject matter up too soon. I know of another young man that recently started dating a restaurant manager. He couldn't stop talking about her for several weeks. He really considered getting serious with her until she mentioned that she wanted to get married and have kids. You see it's not that men don't want the responsibility of being a father or even getting married. Just give him a chance to develop feelings strong enough to want this just as bad as you do. If at the right and opportune time, the subject does happen to emerge, let him know how important this is to you.

Needless to say, his whole perspective changed and decided she was rushing into things. He decided that it would be best to remain friends. The funny thing is, he eventually wanted to get married, just not within the time parameter she wanted. Shame on you if your interests and what's important to you doesn't seem relevant to him and you've decidedly chose to ignore the signs. After all, body language is a great communicator!

Chapter Two

What Exactly is It that You're Looking For?

Every woman has her own reason or reasons as to why she enters into a relationship. I've heard reasons range from financial security, stability and companionship. Commitment, security, family perceptions, children, and marriage are all legitimate concerns a woman may have prior to entering any relationship. Acts of love will often be reciprocated by a man when he feels you know what you want and aren't reluctant to show it. Each relationship you enter or depart should be a learning experience thus making you a more informed woman. A woman that knows what she wants and doesn't want will help to eliminate time being wasted.

It has often been said that a woman can determine within minutes as to whether or not she will become physically intimate with a man she has just met. So if you can determine something as deep and intimate as to whether or not you are going to sleep with someone, why not use that same ability and intuition to determine whether or not he may be right for you? Off course you won't be able to ascertain this right away but with good observation and listening skills, you will be able to do so within a relatively short period of time.

I would like to elaborate on a key point mentioned earlier. I stated that there is a very good reason why there aren't two master chefs in the kitchen of a five star restaurant or two captains on an aircraft. While in my early twenties I dated a nurse who would not hesitate for one moment to inform me of how independent she was and tell me how she didn't need a man to fulfill her needs. I often found this amusing because at the first sign of trouble I would be the one she would call for assistance. I would wonder, if she didn't need a man to fulfill her needs why be in a relationship at all?

During her interactions with her father, I noticed that he would cater to her whenever she needed anything. Her father would cook for her, pack her lunch before she left for work, do her laundry, wash her car etc. Alas, being young and immature, I blamed her father for her pampered ways. However, the more I analyzed the situation the more I realized that she didn't want a boyfriend, she wanted a father figure. She wanted me to cook, clean, and be at her beck and call as well as her lover all in the same ball of wax. I eventually sat her down and explained to her that I didn't think she was ready for a relationship and further explained that she wanted me to be just like her father. I couldn't compete with that so we decided to remain friends.

Not too long after I met Samantha. She was a kindergarten teacher and would do the opposite of whatever I suggested. For example, if she needed the oil changed on her car, I would suggest a nearby service station that I used and felt was reputable. She would in turn go to another station that would not only cost more but was at twice the distance. While vacationing together, I suggested taking the elevator because of the luggage we had in tow. I did so because our luggage was bursting at the seams. She ended up taking the escalator and nearly lost her luggage as a result.

Samantha didn't feel comfortable listening to what any man had to say or suggest if she didn't think of it on her own. She wanted to show her independence at any cost. In our conversations, I tactfully pointed this out to her. I asked if she lacked confidence in my judgment. She responded, "No." I presented my argument by giving examples and she simply felt she didn't need to listen to any man.

Needless to say, this relationship didn't last very long. A woman should know prior to any relationship what it is she's looking for. A woman that respects her man will allow him to make decisions that will be beneficial to you both. If she doesn't at least warrant him that, a man may feel unappreciated. Allow a man to make sound decisions and watch his increased level of confidence enhance the relationship. It is fine for a woman to succumb to her boyfriend's or husband's suggestions providing they're logical as well as reasonable. As long as you feel that trust, loyalty and honesty is reciprocated, given your significant other the benefit of the doubt will surely strengthen the relationship.

My interview with Jill ...

During my research I interviewed Jill who is a marketing director from Delaware. She has been married twice. Jill explained that she recently moved into her boyfriend's house after approximately one year of seeing each other. Unbeknownst to her his dog, golf and Harley bike preoccupied most of his time. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't the lack of time being spent with her that was the chief complaint. It was his inability to get out of his miserable job he constantly complained about. His procrastination and her loosing respect for a man unwilling to make a change was causing their relationship to deteriorate. I asked her if she ever communicated her feelings to him.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Ladies, The Writing Is On The Wallby Adrian Weber Copyright © 2010 by Adrian Weber . Excerpted by permission.
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