LASTING Transformation
A Guide to Navigating Life's JourneyBy ABBY ROSENBalboa Press
Copyright © 2010 Abby Rosen
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4525-0006-5 Contents
Foreword.......................................................................................ixIntroduction: An Overview of the Road Map......................................................xi1. Uncovering the Cover-up.....................................................................3In Practice: Getting to Know Your Cover-ups....................................................192. Transforming Soul Holes into Whole Souls....................................................25In Practice: Transforming Soul Holes into Whole Souls..........................................353. Our Vulnerability Is Our Strength...........................................................37In Practice: The "Checking-In" Process.........................................................484. Vulnerability Is the Key to Intimacy........................................................51In Practice: Using the Formula for Conscious Communication.....................................635. For Men, Mainly.............................................................................65In Practice: Learning to Recognize Anxiety.....................................................786. The Higher Purpose of Relationships.........................................................83In Practice: Getting to Know Your Primary and Disowned Selves..................................967. How Behavioral Change and Transformation Happen.............................................99In Practice: Behavioral Change and Transformation Experiment...................................1118. Grow a Conscious Self-Know Your Inner Self..................................................117In Practice: Disidentification and Self-Identification.........................................1269. Communicating with the Source: The Power of Meditation......................................129In Practice: Developing a Meditation Practice..................................................14310. Accessing Our Intuition....................................................................145In Practice: Listening to Your Intuitive Wisdom................................................15611. The Gift of Faith..........................................................................159In Practice: Transpersonal Inspiration and Psychological Mountain Climbing.....................16912. Repairing Our World: From Self-Serving to the Serving Self.................................173In Practice: Finding Right Livelihood and Discovering Your Serving Self........................188A Summary of the Journey: Life's Rules of the Road.............................................191The Inspiration for This Book and an Inspiration for Our Lives.................................195Acknowledgments................................................................................199Bibliography and Resources.....................................................................205Glossary.......................................................................................211Appendix A - Voice Dialogue: Discovering Our Selves............................................219Appendix B - List of Subpersonalities or Selves................................................223Appendix C - Guided Visualization to Communicate with Your Inner Child.........................225Appendix D - Inner Critic Self-Test............................................................229Appendix E - Primary and Disowned Selves.......................................................233Appendix F - Meditation Practices..............................................................235Appendix G - Additional Resources on Meditation................................................243About the Author...............................................................................247About InnerSource, A Center for Psychotherapy and Healing......................................249
Chapter One
Uncovering the Cover-up What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. -Richard Bach, Illusions
Michael grew up with an alcoholic father who would become enraged when he was drunk. If one of his children tried to hide his alcohol or take it away, he would kick that child out of the house. At one point he actually went after one of Michael's brothers with a kitchen knife. Michael learned to protect himself by covering up his feelings, so that he wouldn't be vulnerable. Instead of feeling hurt by his father's rage, he shut down that part of himself. To regain control, whenever Michael would experience feelings like fear, hurt, anxiety, sadness, loss of control, or being personally threatened in any way, he would get angry. After all, he had learned to protect himself from a master teacher, his father. These defense mechanisms-of shutting down emotionally whenever he felt exposed, and raging at others, both of which he learned to do growing up with his father-became destructive to Michael's relationships as an adult. His anger and need for control would intensify whenever he felt vulnerable. This was responsible, in large part, for the failure of his three marriages. Ironically, the cover-up that Michael created to protect himself was itself the cause of his failure to have the kind of love he so yearned for in his life.
The Cover-up
The culture we live in and the family we are raised in often inadvertently teach us a cover-up that can affect our lives, often producing devastating results. What is this cover-up? It is the process of covering over and negating how, at our most essential level, we are vulnerable. If we find that it's not safe to express our feelings openly or have our needs met early in life, then, like Michael, we develop a system of defense mechanisms to protect, hide, and cover over our hearts.
A baby is totally dependent on its caregivers for survival, nurturance, and love. If a baby's needs for food, water, protection from the elements, and touch are not met, the baby dies. If the needs for affection, love, support, guidance, and healthy mirroring are not met, a part of the baby's emotional makeup dies or becomes disowned; that is, healthy emotions are covered over with an unhealthy expression of feelings to make sure the child isn't hurt even more, or, worse, abandoned. These may include protections like withdrawing or trying to become invisible. A history of hurt from abuse, neglect, or abandonment, which makes a child fearful, lonely, or feel out of control, may cause his or her core sensitivity to go into hiding. If the child doesn't feel safe, then a process begins in which the vulnerable feelings are protected by behavioral, emotional, psychological, spiritual, and relational patterns.
Some children develop other unhealthy ways to express their feelings. These antisocial behaviors are set up to protect them, making sure they don't get hurt or abandoned. So, instead of expressing hurt, sadness, anxiety, or any other vulnerable feeling, children like Michael learn to rage, put up walls, be tough, oppositional, or sarcastic. Some of us put others down to make ourselves feel better, becoming critical, controlling, and domineering. Abuse of alcohol and drugs is also a defense mechanism often used to numb painful feelings.
As children, some of us protect ourselves and gain approval by doing what we think others want us to do. We might have been acknowledged and praised whenever we exhibited behavior that pleased others by "being good." However, this can also be an unhealthy expression of feelings, because as you will see in the Client Experience that ends the first part of this chapter, the behaviors that we develop to cover up our core sensitivity can themselves create painful wounds. If we grew up in dysfunctional families, these mechanisms may have helped us survive as children, but not without lasting negative consequences.
In many instances, the role models we had in our early years taught us these ways of relating to people. If we didn't like how our role models acted, or we were hurt by their actions, we may have developed patterns of behavior that were just the opposite of those we saw. However, as we grow into adulthood, these mechanisms become the habitual ways we relate to the world; oftentimes, we are unaware of the damaging effects of our actions and how these patterns limit our choices and our relationships. These patterns tend to get in the way of meeting our authentic needs because they don't reflect our true self. In therapy, I can tell how traumatic an upbringing clients have had by how strong their defenses are. How healthy people are generally depends on how accessible their core sensitivity is.
Uncovering the Cover-up: Learning Our Life Lessons
As Michael experienced, many of the behavior patterns we develop as children to protect us from hurt may end up causing us the very pain they were set up to avoid once we reach adulthood. For instance, perhaps when we were young we built a wall around ourselves to protect us from our parents' constant battles as their marriage disintegrated. Years later, our spouse claims we're remote and don't express our feelings. The wall that protected us as a child is now keeping out the very love that we want. With the past exerting such a strong hold on the present, it's no wonder that 60 percent of American marriages end in divorce.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, dysthymic disorder, or depression, affects approximately 1.5 percent of the U.S. population age eighteen and older in a given year. This figure translates to about 3.3 million American adults. The median age of onset of dysthymic disorder is thirty one years. Approximately forty million American adults ages eighteen and older have an anxiety disorder. One of the major causes behind these sobering statistics is the disconnection from, and cover-up of, our true thoughts and feelings.
Stage One of this book is about learning our life lessons-the lessons that our life experiences are showing us that we need to learn. When we find ourselves engaging in one failed relationship after another, or expressing ourselves in ways that wind up hurting ourselves or others, we need to change those negative behavior patterns. If we recognize that these life experiences are here to teach us, and then change our behaviors accordingly, we are able to learn our life lessons.
Consider Michael's case: If he learned to acknowledge how terrifying it was to grow up with an abusive, alcoholic father who would rage at him, and allowed himself to feel the hurt, fear, and sadness, he wouldn't need to push away, or push down, those painful feelings when they arise. Nor would he respond by raging at others. Michael could then see his negative behavior patterns for what they are-defense mechanisms that worked to protect him when he was growing up-and learn to recognize that the feelings underneath his urge to rage are what are important.
Then, for the first time, Michael would be more able to express his authentic self and learn that as an adult, it's not only safe to express the feelings in his heart, but doing so might actually help him get his needs met and feel closer and more connected to the important people in his life. It's essential to first feel secure before it is possible to feel safe enough to express our true feelings.
The Original Sin Was the Original Life Lesson
The original cover-up began with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. In the Biblical story, God asked Adam: "Did you eat from the tree from which I commanded you not to eat?" Instead of speaking the truth, Adam became fearful and defensive and blamed his actions on Eve: "The woman that you gave to be with me, she gave me what I ate from the tree." Did Eve do any better? She blamed her mistake on the snake. Did they get what they wanted? No. They were expelled from the garden, cursed with pain.
My interpretation of the Garden of Eden story is that God, who created Adam and Eve, was fully cognizant of their humanity, including their potential to make mistakes. The purpose of their mistake was to provide an opportunity for learning, change, and growth. When confronted with their behavior, Adam and Eve were given the chance to learn an important life lesson and to evolve. Instead, their insistence on covering up their vulnerability by lying and blaming each other caused them-and all their descendants-devastating grief and suffering. The eating of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge is often referred to as humanity's "original sin." But perhaps creating the cover-up of their fear and vulnerability, rather than learning their life lesson and evolving, is the original sin from Genesis.
Sadly, learning to create the cover-up has become our legacy. Rather than hide from feeling exposed, we need to learn our life lessons and risk expressing to each other our true feelings, thoughts, and needs. Th at is the "original lesson" that Adam and Eve were supposed to learn. It is a lesson each of us will be given the opportunity to learn over and over again in our lifetime. The cover-up, while expedient in the short term, can only lead to long-term pain and suffering. Think how much healthier Cain and Abel would have been if Adam and Eve had just stopped covering over their vulnerability by blaming. Talk about a dysfunctional family!
The following tool for transformation will help us identify and separate from our cover-ups, and get to know, value, protect, and share our core sensitivities.
Voice Dialogue: A Powerful Tool for Transforming the Cover-up
The most effective modality for transformation I have found, one I use both personally and professionally in my practice as a psychologist, is called "Voice Dialogue, Relationship, and the Psychology of Selves." This innovative approach was developed in the 1980s by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone, who are licensed clinical psychologists, master therapists, teachers, and inspired consciousness facilitators. Hal and Sidra's psycho-spiritual approach to consciousness is an experiential modality compatible with many theoretical orientations, has its roots in Jungian and Gestalt psychology, and offers a model of consciousness that is both powerful and innovative.
Voice Dialogue is a transformative method for entering into direct communication with a person's inner family of selves-what Hal and Sidra call subpersonalities. Each self has a different energy and way of looking at the world, as well as its own impulses, desires, and methods of protecting the vulnerable Inner Child. Each self also has rules of behavior, feelings, perceptions, reactions, and a history all its own. The terms subpersonality, self, and primary self are used interchangeably throughout this book.
Voice Dialogue allows us to separate from these primary selves in our lives and develop the ability to choose more conscious behaviors. By hearing the needs of the Inner Child, we can learn to express them and make choices that enable our child to feel protected, nurtured, and loved. This enhances our appreciation of ourselves and strengthens our ability to grow, create, and feel more powerful and loving. The goal of Voice Dialogue work is to develop an Aware Ego process that can function apart from what is called the "primary self system," with which we have been identified all along.
As we become more conscious of our inner experience and the different subpersonalities that normally run our life, our operating ego becomes more aware and transforms into an Aware Ego. As such, it is able to separate from the system of dysfunctional ideas, attitudes, and feelings that control our way of being in the world. For the first time, we are able to make real and healthy choices about our behavior, rather than acting out of habits that no longer serve us. Hal and Sidra describe this process in an article entitled "Discovering Our Selves," which is reprinted in Appendix A. "Voice Dialogue is about separating from the many selves that make up the human psyche and creating this Aware Ego ... We feel that the Aware Ego is an evolutionary step forward ... It enables us to follow - safely - our unique paths."
Michael, whose story opened this chapter, needed to develop an Aware Ego that would become conscious of his urge to rage. From an Aware Ego perspective, he could then separate from his "Rager" subpersonality and instead choose to share the vulnerable feelings underneath that subpersonality, which he learned early in life were not safe to share. As an adult, Michael's Aware Ego would help to guide him into the loving, healthy relationships he yearned for but never experienced, growing up with a raging father.
To hear the voice of our core sensitivity, also called the vulnerable Inner Child, and to know what is in our hearts, we need to quiet the many other voices, or subpersonalities, within us that are clamoring to be heard. We do this by first becoming aware of the voices that keep the mind racing, ruminating, and focused outward. Then we begin to separate from them, by realizing that they are just extraneous voices; they do not speak the truth. These voices are simply reading the script they were trained and conditioned to read. They were created to defend against any attacks on our vulnerability; however, as adults these very defense mechanisms, or primary selves, are what set us up for pain and failure.
Our Primary Selves: The Major Players in the Cover-up
Our primary selves are responsible for our survival in what can often feel like a chaotic world. For that reason alone they need to be respected and embraced. They protected our hearts and cared for our vulnerable Inner Child and, in many instances, have allowed us to survive into adulthood. A list of many of the different subpersonalities appears in Appendix B. Let's explore some of the more "vocal" subpersonalities, which are common in many people's experiences.
The Rulemaker
The first self that develops is the Rulemaker. Its job is to figure out, early in life, what the rules are in our particular family and/or environment. To play by the rules, other primary selves, or Heavyweights, develop to support whatever the Rulemaker has figured out is needed to ensure the survival of the little child.
The Heavyweights
Five strong subpersonalities, the Inner Critic, the Judge, the Perfectionist, the Pusher, and the Pleaser, often travel together and are called the Heavyweights. Once we identify the energies of the different subpersonalities, we can uncover our cover-ups and see more clearly what purpose they serve in our lives. We can embrace them for how they have been trying to protect us, and then explore what the authentic self is experiencing under the cover-ups. This develops the Aware Ego process, which is the goal of this approach.
The Heavyweights are most commonly the subpersonalities we need to be aware of and honor for the good job they've done protecting our Inner Child as we were growing up. In order to get past these primary selves who act as guards, we need to first communicate with them, so they know we're on their side. We all want what is best for our Inner Child. As we come to know ourselves better by learning the lessons from the experiences that created these subpersonalities, we're able to manage them more effectively and create healthier options for how to act in different situations. As our responses become clearer and more in alignment with our authentic self, we're able to heal the places in our hearts that have been wounded by these life experiences.
It's amazing how well this system works, because once we learn our life lessons, the dynamics that caused the need for the cover-ups often change, and miraculously, we find we no longer have to deal with those irritating issues or difficult dynamics in our lives.
Behavioral change begins just by honoring and embracing the many selves that make up our personality. Then we can separate from these habitual patterns and make healthier choices that are more relevant to our current situation.
The Inner Critic and the Judge
The heaviest of the Heavyweights is the Inner Critic. The job of this subpersonality is to keep us safe by criticizing us before others do. The Critic comes out when we're feeling anxious-it tries to get us to change our behavior, so we don't get hurt or abandoned. It says things like, "You're never going to amount to anything" or "You're too fat, stupid, ugly," or it looks like the following:
You're an Idiot! You'll Never get it right! Did you HAVE to say that?
The Inner Critic is speaking when you hear the constant inner "shoulds" or the more critical and shame-producing "you shouldn't haves." There's even a New Age Inner Critic that says, "You should meditate more" or "The treadmill is great, but don't forget about doing Hatha Yoga." You see, the Inner Critic reads all the same books you do, but don't let it fool you. It may sound more conscious, but it's still critical.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from LASTING Transformationby ABBY ROSEN Copyright © 2010 by Abby Rosen. Excerpted by permission.
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