CHAPTER 1
Be True to Yourself While Making a Difference
The great American poet e e cummings said it right: "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." Being who you are in a society that wants to make you like everyone else is difficult. I cannot imagine trying to live as someone else. It takes courage to be yourself.
This is a collection of my life, my experiences, the lessons I learned, things that helped me to get to where I am: beauty, art, poems, quotations. Everything that combined tells my story. And I hope that by reading it, you can grow as well and be enlightened in some form.
My Story
"Slow and steady wins the race." That's what I always used to hear. But when you're younger, you don't want advice, you want to live your life. I remember my life in stories. Most of my memories deal with what house we lived in at the time and what color it was.
My parents are good people. I've always admired their strength and the sacrifices they made to give us a better life than they had. But I believe in their attempts to make things better for my brothers and me, they somehow got lost. "We were so happy poor, but when we got rich ... that's when our signals got crossed and we got flipped" (— Jay-Z). It's true that when you gain more money and more worldly things, sometimes you lose the essence of what truly matters: "The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing."
A parent is your best teacher. Most often, they attempt to keep you from making mistakes they know about (usually ones they have experienced). Even though they're not perfect, they are the vessel that brought you to this earth and are always to be honored.
My parents were jaded to a certain degree by friends and family and even the church.
Their distrust was passed along to my brothers and me. This wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I was taught to only trust in myself. But being young and unexperienced, I didn't understand their view; I hadn't dealt with this issue before. I just knew what I was told. I believe they did the best they knew how.
This, I believe, is the same way most people feel about God. I didn't understand the principles, not having much experience, and I didn't know how to have a personal relationship with him. I thought because I had done things wrong, he'd never accept me. Or I wasn't good enough. But the funny thing is, that's the whole point. True Christians are Christian because they need redemption. They admit they are not perfect and humble themselves. They live their life with respect for a higher power that they submit to. I'm not as religious as I am spiritual. I've heard a saying that religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell, while spirituality is for those who have already been there.
Auburn
Where I'm from, my family is well known. Auburn, NY, is the home of Harriet Tubman. My family is direct descendants of her bloodline. Proud and strong would efficiently describe us. My grandmother is Harriet Tubman's oldest living relative. She travels and speaks about our family. I have always admired that. Strong women are amazing to me. The fact that my grandmother was so into history, our family history, and history in general, is the reason I wanted to study history in college. I was fascinated by those who had gone before me, people who had experienced their life, those who didn't just live, stuck and dormant, those who had gone through hurt, pain, heartache, and fears and made it, those who had a full life and overcame their circumstances, no matter what they were.
As I got older, I referred to my hometown as the black hole. It always stayed the same; the people always stayed the same. No one wanted to branch out. No one wanted to grow.
Pre-K
My earliest memory was of school. I guess this shows the importance of education in my life. My mom was my preschool teacher, so she was always around. I thoroughly enjoyed this. I loved Mom and followed her relentlessly. I was basically her little shadow. She would literally turn around and bump into me from me trailing her so closely. And that was my life: my Mommy and me.
The Center
BTW Community Center was like a second home. We were always there. I was always with my family at after-school programs, free lunch and swimming in the summer, holiday dances, and block parties. There were no worries, it seemed, not like when I was older.
Kindergarten
My earliest memory is of both separation anxiety and self-consciousness. I didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to leave my mother, and I didn't want to be around strangers. Talk about the bird that doesn't want to leave the nest. I've had this issue for so long. But being the youngest and being the only girl, I was so sheltered. I was the baby, and that fact would always be a hurdle in my growth. My first day of school, I cried until Mom brought me back home. It got better as time went by, and I felt more comfortable and would actually stay at school. Every day at home, Mom would make me my favorite food. I'd have a baked potato and chocolate ice cream for dessert. Then I'd go for my half-day at school.
My father drove a tractor trailer for as long as I can remember. When I was about five years old, my Mom decided she wanted to drive with him. She left for a week or so, and during this time, my aunt watched my brothers and me. During this time, I got hurt, which was a horrible, traumatizing experience.
Busting Open My Eye
It was my turn to feed our pet gerbil named Scratch. But my brother, picking on me as usual, claimed he was going to feed him first. So playing around, we raced to the gerbil cage. I have always been clumsy, and while running, I tripped, fell, and busted my eye open on the wooden stand that the gerbil cage was on. I was rushed to the emergency room and had stitches in my eyebrow.
Florida First Grade
I barely remember first grade. We had moved to Miami, Florida, for a year. We lived right next door to my father's parents. They were a wonderful example of married life: They had been married for seventy years. My grandmother cooked a lot, and my grandfather was always washing his car. Those were my fondest memories. We had fruit trees in our backyard, lemon and bittersweet trees. My grandparents had an orange tree in theirs. My grandmother was a wonderful cook and so very kind. One day, though, she forced me to eat vegetables, and I was so upset. My grandfather called me his little movie star. I will never forget this. He was a great man. They were wonderful people.
Scratch Dying
During our move, we accidentally left our gerbil outside in the Florida heat, in a glass cage. When I went outside to check on him, I tapped his glass cage, and he tipped over, stiff as a board. You can imagine how traumatized I felt.
Falling on My Head
My brother and I were playing with the kids across the fence in our backyard. I think we were not supposed to be over there. Our bright idea was to swing from the clothesline pole and jump down. To get up to the clothesline pole, we had to climb on a cinder block. When it was my turn to swing, I climbed on the block, jumped up to reach the pole, and slipped. I fell back and busted my head on the concrete block. All I remember was going black. My aunt and mother brought me to the emergency room, where I received many stitches in the back of my head. I don't remember much of anything. When we finally left the emergency room that night, the red- and-white-striped shirt I had on that day was all red, covered in blood.
We stayed in Florida for a while and then finally moved back to New York.
Gennesee Elementary
When I came to second grade, it was obvious I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I had no idea what compound words were; I remember that vividly. I also started needing glasses to see far away.
My Father Leaves for a While
I don't know why he left. But this was a traumatizing time. I've never asked, either, but in the back of my mind, I've always feared that this is what men do ... leave. Things were going okay for us, and I still had my mother. She's such a strong woman. We stayed in a motel for a while and got to eat at the diner down the street. It felt like a vacation to me. Finally, my mother, brothers, and I moved into an apartment. I was afraid of the dark and often got to sleep in Mom's bed. This made me feel safe.
We visited my father where he lived. Valentine's Day was coming up, and I got chocolates. Another time, he brought photos that he had taken. Mom still keeps this photo up on their mantel. Another visit, my father took my brother and me to rent a movie; we rented Hook.
Then, after a while, my father came home. In school, I was teased, to no end. I was such a tomboy; having three older brothers, I really had no choice. But still I had a crush on a boy, and because of this, I got into fights. I made some friends and lost some friends.
Mom didn't agree with something the preacher said at church, and we stopped going to church as much.
East Middle School
I still was teased. I made some friends and lost some friends.
Georgia Marietta Middle School
I was no longer teased. But I hated it here. I missed my comfort zone. The South was very different. People used words I didn't understand. My first day of school, I witnessed a fight where the girl tore out the other girl's braids, and then many of the girls in school wore them in their shoes as laces and around their wrists as bracelets. This is about the time my mother started working with my father. Along with being moved to a new place, I was also left to basically raise myself.
Marietta High School
I was fresh meat. My older brother was a senior, so nobody really bothered me much. My first boyfriend ever was an experience. My second boyfriend, The Hustler, was my first love. We grew so close. He was my best friend.
I began my first job at fifteen, even though my father didn't really want me to work.
Ultimately, the Hustler, and I became too close. We were so young, there was no possible way we could build a family. But he wanted to. During our several years together, I ended up having three abortions. The first time I was pregnant, I attempted suicide being so worried about what others would think. Words cannot describe the hurt, pain, guilt, and shame of these experiences.
Kennesaw State
It took me awhile to actually decide to go to college. I loved to learn but wasn't quite sure of what I wanted to learn. I never had the true college experience. I lived at home with my parents and commuted to school. My first love wanted us to live together, and I ended up getting an apartment so that we could. I didn't stay there, but he did, for a while. Things happened, and we broke up. I was left to pay for the apartment by myself.
Witnessing the Death of a Pedestrian
Driving home from an event at school one night, I witnessed a horrible accident. A man crossing the street was struck by a drunk driver. He wasn't just killed on the spot, he was dismembered before my eyes.
Being Raped
I met a guy at a club one night while out with my cousin. We spoke on the phone, and he offered to cook me dinner. I thought this was sweet and agreed to go, as soon as school was over. I was excited throughout the day. When I got to his apartment that evening, he hadn't cooked yet but promised he would. He asked if I wanted to drink and watch a movie as I waited. I didn't really want to, but I went along.
The next thing I remember, I was feeling very drowsy. He began kissing me, and as I tried to fight him off, I blacked out. The next thing I remember was waking up in his bed with no clothes on. I had no idea what to do; I was so afraid. I got up, found my clothes, and got to the front door; I was still drowsy and not able to walk well. As I stumbled past the living room, I noticed he had friends over. I made it to my car and began to drive recklessly down the street; I finally stopped and called my brother, who came and drove me home.
The guy was never charged with anything. The police never found him. It took me a long time to trust people again, to even look at anyone or let them touch me in any way.
9-5, Being Laid Off
"He saw the best in me, when everybody else around could only see the worst in me."
I worked throughout college, sometimes up to three jobs at a time. After college, I was still working at my job, which I had had for close to five years, attempting to save up money for college. But then one day, I was laid off.
Bankruptcy
Being laid off, paying my bills got hard. I had just bought myself a new car, and I had credit cards and other responsibilities. I was in over my head.
I couldn't find a job that would pay what I was making and give me benefits. This is when I decided to follow my dreams. I went back to school and also began modeling and acting full time.
Diagnosed with Depression
I told my brother I saw an angel, who said he would take me to heaven with him. My brother brought me to a psychiatric ward, where I ended up staying for a week. They diagnosed me with psychotic depression, which later turned into manic depression and then bipolar disorder. I began to take medicine for this and see a doctor monthly.
I've battled with depression all of my life. As a child, my daddy always called me sentimental, but honestly, I knew it was more than that. I can feel other people's feelings. The feelings of others truly affect me. Most of the time, they hurt: hurt my soul, hurt my spirit. It took me a long time to realize that it was possibly sin in the world that made me feel bad. I learned what an empath was. First I had to learn people. Then when I realized what I was really looking for was inside me all along, I had to learn myself. I was never like everyone else. Things would bother me more than the average person. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with depression that I realized why that was. I'm usually content. I spend a lot of time thinking positive and being positive in an attempt to combat this. Now that I have God in my life, he sustains me. He is my rock and where I get my strength.
Mastering Life
God wasn't trying to hurt me, he was trying to get my attention. He wanted me to stop doing things I was doing and align with the path he had for me. He didn't want me to use sex, drugs, or material things to dull my pain. He wanted me to use him. He wanted my priorities to be right. He wanted me to humble myself and stop trying to control everything. I am so thankful that he forgives us. But coming to him was a journey in itself.
Sacrifices
I had to make a lot of these.
I lost people and opportunities; I lost parts of myself as I became the best version of me. If you don't love yourself, people will come along and try to teach you how to hate yourself. For a long time, I didn't understand the influence that people can have on you. I've been abused, misused, tricked, cheated, and talked about. And I've still made it through. I am so strong, stronger than I know, stronger than I can even imagine or give myself credit for.
Lust versus love, impatience versus patience. Lust is quick gratification and is often short lived. Love takes time. Lust usually beats love because most people don't know the difference.
What is love? God is love.
His definition of love:
Love
1 Corinthians 13 is God's definition of love. Read that scripture and memorize it! You must know what something is in order to obtain it, give it to others, as well as recognize if it is (or is not) being given to you. I used to believe I knew what love was; I found out I had no idea, til my soulmate came and showed me what true love really is. He didn't just show me with his actions or by his character; he led me to the one true source: God. When I was filled up with true love from God, I was able to give love away from a place of fullness and no longer a place of lack. Over time, the pain, hurt, depression, and fear left me completely. I have often been told that I should be a teacher; this is my attempt at making a difference.
Lesson 1: To get where you're going you have to start where you are.
From Napoleon Hill, I learned that the time will never be right; you have to just start ... So here we go.
