The Loss

    * * *

    They left their self at theater
    That precious self, so known
    Actually, the leaving occurred long ago.
    Simply, learning to rest the body
    Be ready to kill!
    Pain is nothing more than weakness leaving the body
    And sleep, no longer a required need.
    Now, the dreams of sleep left behind.
    Fill them full of medication
    No time, they say, to relearn that that was lost
    The self now unfamiliar
    Please, let thyself glimpse thy past.


    Pain

    * * *

    There is a pain
    That I cannot pierce
    Born of years of my voluntary call to duty
    No longer feel that I deserve
    This store of emptiness
    That plays its tune to me.
    Its utter sheer magic
    Its hiding me
    The me, I want,
    I use to be
    But I sit silently surrounded
    Betrayed
    By emptiness's beck and call


    Longing

    * * *

    I long for peace
    No more battles to be fought
    No more trails of misery
    Those trails remain with me
    Unsung stories of things
    Were they really meant to be?
    I am challenged daily to restore my memories
    Of a time when my spirit was untainted by misery
    Although, glory, honor, loyalty, courage
    Embraced me on the trail
    It pales my former spirit of
    Who I wanted to be


    I Heard

    * * *

    I've listened to your stories
    Parts, I really understood
    Through you I heard the glory
    Mixed with pain and sadness
    All of this mixed together
    Confusion, now the ally
    Let no one take your honor
    Not your image of who you are
    Young, strong, courageous; bold, I say
    Warrior in his/her pride
    Let no one take your image
    For it is honed by GOD!


    Grave

    * * *

    I saw a grave
    So big, so deep
    Massive was the fear that came over me
    How can this be?
    The grave I know is to hold one soul.
    Enlarged my feelings is what it did
    Knowing
    Death like this was an atrocity
    For me the finality of death will never be the same
    But; still, I honor the memory and now claim an enlarged belief
    Of what life can and cannot be.


    Its Just Life

    * * *

    Maybe, the end result is angers energy —
    Just don't feel no more like I use to be
    What is it to feel?
    To move around, freely
    It's as if the doors of kindness have closed and locked on me.
    This anger ain't a symptom that just goes away
    Like an unwanted lover it's stuck on me.


    Shadows

    * * *
    
    I sit in my room waiting for better things and days to come.
    Windows covered
    Preventing the sun from caressing me with its light and warmth
    Confused about the brilliance that a day can make
    I hide in the shadows
    Preventing that pain and misery
      Safe Call


    Comfort

    * * *

    I sit in solace, daily
    The dim and quiet
    Helps me tolerate the memories that are forever with me
    How comforting my room is
    Isolation at its best
    Let me sit in my solace
    It is a well deserved rest


    Soldier's Image

    * * *

    The image is all too clear
    Remains of the visions imposed on me of things I never knew to be.
    That image, although, yester year
    Seared in mind's eye
    Prevents the tear
    Nothing washes away the grief, shock, sorrow and pain
    This vision imposed is now mine
    To continue this life in real time — shattered!


    Hold

    * * *

    Hold onto life —
    Let it unfold —
    Walk its unsteady paths into future — BEHOLD
    Hold onto life the mystery so dear —
    Determined by spirit — spiced by intention — seasoned with, uhm,
    sometimes with fear
    But, hold onto life although never clear
    It's an endless battle we all must take
    So. Take it now! Before, its too late.


    Resolve

    * * *

    It's not easy to let go all that was learned
    You know, that routine that keeps us safe
    It's the protection and safety that I understand
    I will continue to patrol/keep it safe
    As I was taught
    All day and night long.
    Duty; myself, family and country ordered differently now.
    Urgency of this routine
    Beckons my resolve


    Puzzle Piece

    * * *

    Left over feelings
    Yep, that's what they are
    With every particle of my being
    Dam, I try to understand
    A piece here, a piece there
    I am in pieces everywhere
    The pieces although small are powerful
    Disturbs my sense of self
    Am I really here, nope the piece puts me there
    Not really where I want to be
    Dam no peace prevails
    Dam it's just a puzzle piece in my life
    A life needing peace


    Violence to the Self

    * * *

    When no one hears my story
    No telling what I'll do!!!!
    Short time — long time; destruction is the end
    My rampage will be done
    If only you heard my lifelong sorrow
    All would be well
    Nope, no one heard my story
    Painful is my story
    It doesn't seem to have an end
    Its power now deadly
    Explosive like this gun used for my end
    Left to my own devices; few they are, you see
    I needed to tell my story!!!!!!!!
      The ending of my story is ultimately a sin.


    A Memory/Soul Work

    * * *

    The sharpness of this memory
    Daily overwhelms me.
    Hallucinations and Delusions
    I think not
    Its my brain, body, spirit
    Dealing with what happened to me
    These memories intrude and I don't know what to do
    My tools are isolation and withdrawal.
    Finally
    I am just angry
    Angry, at what the fuck happened to me.
    I am trying to make sense of those things
    Those things I saw and did
    I must forgive me.


    Repetition

    * * *

    It's all like a dream
    A dream that repeats itself
    They call it PTSD
    Label it as you will
    But, I call it life's memory
    Life in extreme
    Unknown too many
    Understood by a few
    Least of all, ME
    Life the symptom has robbed me of my youth
    I suffer in silence by this unknown malady
    And to those few who bring understanding
    I will share my life malady
    A story laden with every emotion known to man
    Life has many paths and stories that need to be told
    Some say unbelievable,
    I say NO!!
    For I have seen life with my eyes and soul
    So, I repeat the dream as it was
    Knowing this repetition brings sorrows hand
    Hoping and praying that someone will understand


    All Is Well

    * * *

    I sit and stare out the window; cane at my side
    I stir, now, only when my name is called
    I remain at my window
    It is the duty station now.
    I am really patrolling in a different way cause it's what I know to do
    Keep em safe, be on guard
    The slightest difference
    I see out of my window
    Adrenalin, surge
    The feeling I know so well
    If only my body would respond with me
    All would be well


    Evidence Please!!!!

    * * *

    It really happened out there.
    Explain it. I don't know how.
    It was. It did. It happened!
    Ground Zero, as it has been called.
    Explain it, you ask.
    I don't remember the details.
    Forgive me, please.
    It, it changed me.
    It changed my soul
    It was Ground Zero (pause) that's all.
    That's all I can tell you; that's all I know; that's all I remember.
    I feel like a stranger to myself as I sit before you trying to recall.
    Quietly, I recall it was my Ground Zero.
    All I know is that all of me left the ground.


    A Different Kind

    * * *

    Afterward, there was a different kind of sadness
    That came about me.
    A different kind of pain in this sadness was unforeseen.
    Nevertheless, it pierced my heart
    Simply, does not seem to want to go away.
    I ask for healing that this piercing wound brought to my heart
    Simply and quietly go away.


    Longing

    * * *

    I would sell my soul
    to enter the stillness of life.
    Still.
    This stillness is where I find remnants of my past self.
    To look upon that self
    To make peace with that self
    I long for me again
    To give that self peace of mind.
    I can no longer torture that self.
    Enter new beginnings.


    To Be Inside

    * * *

    Some want to say age makes a difference.
    Heard that before I say sarcastically.
    The age of a man/woman has no bearing here.
    It is what my soul experienced, viewed and felt and now must be reckoned with.
    It is, this stuff what lives in my heart, my body, my head.
    So, when it is said, "You're older", "you will handle it"
    Seriously, now, you have dismissed me.
    So, when it is said, "You are young". You will have a long time to live with this.
    Really, is it age and time that are important?
    I say, it is what lives in my entire being.
    The scenes, the smells, the losses, the explosions need I go on.
    It is the extremes of life during war that aged me
    In matters unknown by others and in many instances unknown by me.
    When I think of warriors of history, we speak the same language and know
    the same things of
    Greatness and misery.
    It is not age; it is the vicissitudes of what war is.
    It touches each of us differently. Would you agree?
    You say your heart becomes tender toward me only because, I have now
    been labeled,
    Diagnosed, compartmentalized as TBI, forever more.
    TBI, I ask you, instead, To Be Inside, be by my side, be with me.
    Be inside of me use your imagination, get close to me, be inside of me.
    Now, do you, can you understand?


    Suffer Slot

    * * *

    It's the absence of the tears
    It is the awesome braveness that benefits me not.
    I bend my knees and ask this pain, this brave suffering to leave me.
    Rent this space no longer
    I want to feel the joyful tears of my bravery — Raise me!
    Raise me to more than I can be.
    The be that lead me, guided me; moreover, embraced me.


    Peaceful Sleep

    * * *

    It's over!!!
    The dreams day and night visit me.
    It's over! I scream. — but, I don't let go as these dreams continue to visit me.
    Their visits, my dark past
    I am exposed
    I am denuded
    I, I, surrender.
    Let the past fade from me.
    Let sleep be peaceful, I pray.


    The Caregiver

    * * *

    I am here.
    By your side I stand.
    I am here.
    Remember, I was there when you left.
    By your side I stood and promised that I would be here upon your return.
    I am here, by your side.
    Taking courage to stand for the things that were unpredicted and unexpected.
    I am here come back to me, stay with me.


    The Appearance

    * * *

    Quiet
    Stillness
    Captured by the memories that I do not understand
    Fulfilled the mission but this longing never ends
    Quiet
    Stillness
    What evades me about that battleground this seed of my unrest
    Quiet
    Stillness
    It continues to appear


    Hard at Work

    * * *

    May I tell you that shame you feel
    Memories of things done
    These memories are real
    The sense of these memories, shame, is false.
    Only a chosen few can do what you've done
    Work the shame —
    Let it fade
    Cherish the memory of goodness
    For goodness is yours
    It's really OK
    Let the memory work for you


    Dismissed

    * * *

    I am scared to hear what your soul has seen
    I am defending against your grief and sorrow
    I will make you terminology
    By doing so
    I let you down
    I want you to quietly slip away.