CHAPTER 1
Are You Satisfied?
Ask yourself this question: "If I knew that I'd die tomorrow, would Ibe satisfied with my life?" Many people are not satisfied. They mightbe resigned, or they might say, "Considering the circumstances, I havedone well." However, they could not say they are satisfied or fulfilled.They may rant and rave about what is wrong with their lives andthe world, or at the other extreme, they may not be able to identifyanything—they're just blank. Remember when you were young, beforeyou had responsibilities. What was it you wanted to do in life? Whatdid you want to be? What made you special? You may wonder wherethose dreams went—where is that special person? Does it seem thatthe person who had those dreams and special qualities has somehowdisappeared or been obscured over the years?
How do you uncover that special person again and get somesatisfaction and fulfilment from the rest of your life? In its most simpleand fundamental form, the path out of your undesirable situation is:change your mind.
This and other pieces of distilled wisdom are found throughouthistory in a variety of philosophies, literature, and religions. If you canfully understand and apply the above statement, that's great, and youwill probably not bother reading on. However, I suspect that most ofus have to work on somewhat less refined and more bulky materialbefore we can understand the full meaning of that simple three-wordstatement.
Now despite it being obvious, let's point out something: you aregoing to die.
Read that line carefully.
Now read it again.
Get this into your brain. You may have beliefs that involve acontinuing spirit or soul or going to a heaven, but it is absolutelyguaranteed that one day, your body will cease to function. Your deathmay be many years away, but one day, you will not see tomorrow. Evenas you read this, it may be tomorrow. This statement may strike fear intoyou, but that is not its intention. It simply points out that your time islimited, and you cannot just drift along, hoping that life will get betterwithout you doing anything about it. So what are you going to do today?When I asked myself this question, my answer was "Be me, and live!"
To do that, I had to cut the rubbish, stop hanging on to illusions ofsecurity, and find out who I really was. Now you can begin.
Remember—be You and live.
CHAPTER 2
In the Box
Boundaries
We all live within boundaries set by our environments—physical,cultural, communal, and individual mental landscapes. For example, ourphysical environment is constrained by the law of gravity. It always pullsus toward the earth and limits our movement—like how high we canjump. That is a boundary. Our bodies impose many boundaries, suchas climate tolerance, whether we can bear children, or the maximumage we could possibly live to.
Your own culture dictates what is acceptable in your daily behaviour:American, European, African, or Asian; West, East, North, or South;religion; gender etc. Following are some examples:
• Each culture has an acceptable dress code.
• Men may be expected to hunt (or work) and women to stay home.
• Queue jumping is severely frowned upon by the English.
Each society (country, state, province, or shire) has laws that itspeople follow. More personally, our individual genetics, family history,and life events add another set of boundaries onto our behaviours.Following are some examples:
• Your parents' genes may predispose you to a particulardisease—a limit on your health or physical capabilities.
• War, natural disaster, or financial ruin may have traumatizedyour ancestors. Their thinking and attitudes changed and werethen passed on to you. Their fears may now be your fears.
• You may have suffered a personal trauma—maybe a brokenheart. You fear to love again.
Your mental, emotional, and physical character reveals the effectsof boundaries. Your judgments, values, attachments, habits, likes anddislikes, self-talk, beliefs, attitudes, possessions, place of residence,work, successes and failures, and physical attributes are the result ofboundaries. You acquire many of these characteristics not as a directresult of a boundary imposing itself on you, but through the mediatorsof your life—the people and things with which you are in direct contact.
Parents are a key mediator. You certainly acquire your initialphysical attributes by default from the combination of your parents'genes. You may state that your religion is "xyz" simply because thatis what your parents were, and that is what you have always gonewith. In this case, you may not have made a conscious inquiry andchoice.
Other key mediators are friends, members of your community,school, and of course, the media. Through these mediators, you learnwhat is, and is not, possible and operate within these possibilities.Therefore, by default, you obtain many of your characteristics throughmediators without a boundary directly affecting you and with littleconscious involvement on your part.
We may be conscious of some of our boundaries, we have acceptedand forgotten others, and we may have never been aware of manyothers. Some boundaries we share with everyone, some we only sharewith groups, and some are uniquely our own. For example:
• Everyone is bound by gravity
• About half the population is male and so cannot bearchildren
• You can only see so far, hear so much, run so fast, and understandso much. Your senses, physical abilities, and mental capacity,binds you.
Most people will find this a difficult exercise, and you may end upwith a very short list. You may find it easier two identify the boundariesof other people's lives. The purpose of the exercise is to understand theidea of boundaries and raise your awareness of them so that you canbegin to identify them and not blindly accept them. Over time, youmay be able to expand your list.
Of course, if we are to operate within this world, boundaries arenecessary. They keep us alive, keep society running smoothly, andkeep us sane. Without recognizing the impact of gravity, we wouldsoon break a few bones. Without laws, our society would be chaotic.Without mental boundaries, we could barely operate—we would haveno self-discipline and could not socialize.
Ultimately, the mind interprets every boundary, regardless of itssource and cause. It is the mind that decides—or not—how to deal withthe boundary and whether to recognize it as a limit to our experiences.On a day-to-day basis, most of this interpretation is subconscious,but upon finding a new boundary, we have an opportunity to make aconscious decision on how to react.
Humanity constantly pushes old boundaries and discovers newones. This usually originates from an individual who changes his mindabout a boundary. In fifteenth-century Europe, there was only one wayyou could (or were allowed) to think about the universe—it revolvedaround the earth. The astronomer Copernicus changed his mind aboutthe universe—rather than earth-centred, he called it sun-centred. Thatis, the universe—including the earth—revolved around the sun. Thatwas not quite right, but this change of perspective was a step towardour expansion of cosmic horizons so that today we recognize a universethat is greater than 14 billion light years across and filled with trillionsof objects with motions completely unrelated to those of the earth. Theunderlying cause of a boundary—gravity, in this case—remained, buta change of mind transformed our perspective and understanding ofgravity, as well as its impact on our lives. Change your mind about yourlife, and your horizons will expand.
Restrictions
As I have already mentioned, boundaries are generally necessaryand even healthy, but when boundaries place unnecessary limits on yourgrowth, well-being, and happiness, they become restrictions. Do youknow the expressions "Think outside of the box" or "He became boxedin"? In these expressions, the box is a metaphor for being restrictedin thinking or movement. Using the same metaphor, you can think ofyourself as being in a box when you have many restrictions on yourlife. In our imaginations, a box is generally small, boring, inflexible,and restrictive. The box is a set of restrictions that locks someone intoa small life.
Even though this box is visible through the physical and emotionalaspects of your life, in essence, your mind creates the box. Your mindrecognizes, respects, and maintains those boundaries as restrictionsupon your experience. This box is of our individual making.
The problem with your box may be that it's so small that you feellimited—lack of money (poor); lack of love (lonely); lack of free time(overworked); lack of variety (bored); lack of clarity (dullness); lack ofvitality (tired); or maybe just a general lack of fulfilment. Your box hasbecome uncomfortable.
Surprisingly, your box can also be your comfort zone. We maynot be happy with our known world, but there is a natural tendencyto fear the unknown. There is an old saying: "The better the devilyou know rather than the devil you don't." This is a very fear-basedstatement! Many people choose to stay in painful situations rather thanface their fear of the unknown. However, the unknown also containsmany treasures just waiting to be discovered. The famous explorersChristopher Columbus and Marco Polo overcame fear and went intothe unknown to look for these treasures.
We may have brought in the boundaries of where we operate to sucha degree that they are now uncomfortable. But we don't even know this,because we can't see the boundaries of our boxes—to see a boundaryis to be aware that there could be something on the other side. (Have alook at your list of boundaries from the previous exercise.) We are onlyaware of what is inside the box, and we are not happy with it.
The causes of our restrictions are many (which are discussedlater), but the most common cause is fear. A fear has caused us toturn away from a certain direction or experience, and that fear thenresults in a restriction. Some restrictions that seem to be sourced fromexternal factors are, in fact, the results of a fear of the consequencesof exceeding a boundary. Fears create the most rigid of restrictions,shorten your horizons, and produce the smallest, most robust box. Anice, small, secure box may keep the dangers out, but it will also keepyou trapped.
Again, we can use the astronomical example: Religious institutionsrestricted the scientific thinkers of fifteenth-century Europe to theearth-centred view of the universe. For many people, fear maintainedthat restriction. The consequences of going beyond that restriction wereindeed fearful—excommunication and possibly torture or death.
A person's box may kill him. He may get sick and die because ofstress, loneliness, or depression. He might commit suicide quickly or ina long, slow, and complicated process caused by a lack of care for hiswell-being. On the other hand, he may just become a zombie—only astatistic in the economy. It is a miserable picture, and unfortunately, somany people are there. You may not be miserable, but are you content?
Wouldn't it be good to feel a bit more contented? All you need todo is expand the box so that you have the chance to live a fulfilling life.Already the mind may have recoiled at the very thought of this concept!Take courage—you can do it.
Having become aware that your life could be better, you have setyour foot upon the path to freedom—otherwise you would not haveread this paragraph.
What is the next step? You have a few choices:
1. Hope for a miracle. Sorry, this is unlikely.
2. Do nothing. This may involve looking as if you are doingsomething when, in fact, you are not committed to actuallyapplying anything to your life. You can endlessly read booksand attend seminars on how to improve, transform, or healyour life, but without any application, it is pointless.
3. Do something. This journey will have a few scary moments,but the reward is actually living before you ultimately die—remember that bit?
Only read on if you made the last choice.
Recognize Your Own Box
First, you must recognize your own box. As described earlier, aset of boundaries defines your world, but some of these boundariesbecome restrictions when they prevent you from leading a fulfillinglife. We must loosen these restrictions.
You may have many restrictions in your life. Here are just a fewpossibilities:
• You may be physically disabled
• You may be fat (restricts a modelling career in Paris)
• You may be thin (restricts marriage prospects in Samoa)
• You may be very shy
• You may have low income
• You may be unable to move residence (because of family ties,work, etc.)
• You may be unable to speak in public
• You may not be able to trust anyone
At first, you may not be able to list many restrictions, but over time,you will think of more.
You may have put the name of someone or something as the causeof each restriction. It might have been your parents—"They made methis way." Alternatively, it may simply be some event. Importantly, it isall in the past. These people or events created a circumstance, whichthen had an impact on you. You now own the consequences.
You have identified some of your restrictions. There is absolutelyno point in laying blame anymore. Forget it—completely let it go. Nowtake responsibility for dealing with them.
The list that you came up with is probably only a fraction of thefull set of the restrictions on your personal world. We are not aware ofall the boundaries and restrictions, because we have never moved insome directions. We will get surprises as new people, and events comeinto our lives, and as we bump into aspects of ourselves that we neverknew existed. In our lifetimes, we will probably never become aware ofall the restrictions, and that is okay. The object is to live a full, creative,and abundant life, and for this, your world—your box—needs to getless restrictive. Your horizons need to expand—that is all.
Remember—be You and live.
CHAPTER 3
Making Space
In order for something new to appear, there must be space for it. Ifyou are 100 per cent mentally occupied, 100 per cent of your energy isconsumed, or 100 per cent of your time is filled, then where is the spaceto fit in something new? How can you create? That is what making spaceis about—letting go and clearing out everything that is not contributingto your well-being. This includes the clearing out of objects, activities,mental and emotional attachments, and even some relationships.
Here are some of the actions you will need to take in order to makesome space.
Lifting Restrictions
Let us begin with the restrictions. In the previous chapter, youidentified some of your restrictions, so you have something to workwith. You do not have to remove all of them—that is your choice, and itmay not be necessary to remove all of them anyway. Remove just some ofthe restrictions, and you will immediately get more space in your life.
The act of identifying and becoming aware of a restriction maycause it to disappear. With your new awareness, you may now simply andeasily change your mind about that restriction. For example, you noticethat most of your clothes in your wardrobe are black. This may indicatea restriction in your thinking—maybe you feel fashion pressure? Bynoticing this, you may decide to expand your thinking on what you canwear and introduce a bit of variation. See, just becoming aware of therestriction can loosen it or eliminate it. In your new thinking on yourwardrobe, you may feel resistance, but as you consciously push beyondthe restriction, you will become more comfortable and accepting, andyou will start to embrace the newfound freedom. There are manyof these simple restrictions in people's lives. Often they are hard toidentify because they are so simple.
So, some restrictions may have now disappeared, but you arestill left with others on your list. Before you launch into eliminatingthe remaining restrictions, ask yourself whether each one really ispreventing you from leading a fulfilling life or if it is just one of life'sordinary difficulties. Might it also be an opportunity for growth? Isthere a "silver lining" to that cloud? It may be that just changing yourideas about a situation converts it from a restriction into growth.
