CHAPTER 1
Love
"Love has no conditions, no boundaries, no limits, just aneverlasting desire to put someone else's happiness first."— Heather Paris
I define love as an action, or group of actions, thatdirectly impacts and contributes to the well beingof someone you care deeply for.
So many people cut themselves off from love becausethey have been hurt in the past. If you are one of them,I say, "STOP THAT! Love is amazing!" We all tendto put up walls. We start building them as youngchildren any time we experience something painful. Bythe time we are adults, we have all sorts of walls andrigid conditions that go with them. When we set theseconditions, we ultimately prevent ourselves from beingvulnerable and experiencing all that life has to offer.We grow frightened and become reserved. We shelterourselves, thinking we're being practical, when in factwe're disillusioning ourselves completely. Life doesn'treally have to be that way!
We love our kids unconditionally but we rarely givethat level of love to anyone else, including ourselves.We put conditions on our family and, especially, ourspouses.
Love is about putting the needs of others before yourown. Love is about allowing that person to be himselfor herself without you trying to change them. Loveis unselfish. It's about remaining constant and presenteven through the really difficult times. Love is aboutdoing the little things, even when you're tired. It's aboutcommunicating honestly, even when you know it's goingto hurt. Love is about holding each other, even whenyou don't feel like it. It's about hugging and kissing andholding hands and making love. Love is always puttingone another first, before the kids, extended family orfriends. Put your lover's needs before work, beforephone calls, games and the Internet. Love is about beingbest friends. It's about listening and hearing and sharingit all. Love is about being free from judgment. Love isabout laughing together, not at one another. Love isabout being as close as two people can possibly be andletting nothing come between you. Love is about takingcare of each other. But most of all, love is about doing allof these things all of the time. Don't stop until you takeyour last breath. Someone who is demonstrating truelove would even walk away from their relationship if itmeant the other person would be better off. Love isn'tsomething you "fight to keep alive"; it is something youdo to make someone else's life better.
Children often grow up and become involved inrelationships similar to those they've seen modeledbefore them. Girls tend to marry men that treat themthe way their own fathers treated their mothers and vice-versa.So teach love by living love. Put your relationshipfirst; make it healthy and happy, give lots of affection,practice positive affirmations and kindness, and alwaysput the needs of your partner ahead of your own. Yourchildren will be happier knowing their parents have asolid foundation and will grow to emulate it.
Allowing oneself to become vulnerable to anotherperson is not a weakness. We, as strong, independentpeople, often think that vulnerability equals weakness.But in actuality, vulnerability can be quite powerful.Men want to solve problems and fix things. They wantto see their woman smile. It makes them feel neededand successful. So allow your man to "take care" ofyou. This idea is neither old-fashioned nor sexist. It isrealistic. I'm not talking about women being "barefootand pregnant" while a man takes care of your everyneed. I'm talking about telling a man exactly what youneed - and allowing him to do things that will help you.For example: I COULD absolutely carry the heavybags of horse feed into the barn from my car but I knowthat my husband would LOVE the opportunity to behelpful and do it for me. I used to have the attitude of "Iwill do it myself; I don't need help" but that is really notserving anyone. It actually disempowers ME because Iam not allowing other people to give the gift of serviceand I am taking on an attitude of martyrdom.
A friend once told me that her boyfriend haddisappointed her with his lack of action. Rather than tellhim about her feelings and allow him the opportunityto make things right, she became defensive and quipped,"I will just do it myself. I have to do everything on myown. I have no one to count on."
I quickly reminded her that she was globalizing on asmall incident and asked her what she was really feeling.When she said she was sad and wanted to cry, I toldher she should have shared these feelings with him. Sheshould have cried, and told her boyfriend why she wassad, and that he disappointed her. Her tears would havegiven him the visual queue that something was wrong.Then, she could have told him what was going on; givinghim the opportunity to help her. They both would havefelt better with this approach. A person is more likelyto run from someone who is blaming or calling namesand yelling. Conversely, they will be far more likely tojump up and help a loved one who is crying and clearlyhurting.
Never trade love for comfort. You may be completelyfearful of being "alone" but, do not stay in an abusive orunhealthy relationship because it is "better than beingsingle." I cringe when I hear people say this. It saddensme to think that people feel they need to settle. Whenyou get rid of the wrong people in your life, you makeroom for the right people!
As a rule of thumb, if you wouldn't accept an excusefrom someone else, don't accept it for yourself. Forexample, if your daughter came home and told you shewas in love with a married man and he claimed he HADto stay with the wife because the timing was bad forhim to leave her, what would you tell your daughter?You would let her know how absurd her words sound,for sure. Well, if it's not right, it's not right! Live withintegrity and don't settle.
Again, I remind you, that in a successful relationship,you MUST put one another first. Not second to someoneelse's wife, kids, job, mistress, sports, video games, etc...FIRST. Love is something that you DO, and if you are"doing" someone or something else, you are not lovingyour partner! I will discuss "healthy break-ups" laterin the book.
There are three types of love: Two that don't workand one that does.
1) Dependent Love. Dependent love says "Whatabout ME? What have you done for me?" Thistype of love is not sustainable for very long. Youcan only take care of someone for so long beforeyou become resentful and feel the need to haveyour own needs met.
2) Independent Love. Independent love says, "Idon't NEED you! I can do it by myself!" Thistype of love is also not sustainable because thetruth of the matter is, we all need other people.We all need to feel loved and have our needs met.This type of love is for martyrs who want to feelimportant, not loved.
3) Interdependent Love. Interdependent love says,"your needs are my needs and I strive to meetyour needs always." This type of love is lasting.When you and your partner put one another firstand always try to meet each others needs aboveyour own, you are in a win-win relationship thatalways feels special and fulfilling.(Types of love is from Robbins-Madanes CoachTraining: http://www.rmtcenter.com/)
A life lesson in LOVE:
I was driving down the road on a cool, sunnymorning when I noticed how beautiful the countrysidewas. I started to cry. There were tears in my eyes anda huge smile on my face. It was at this moment when Irealized I was overwhelmed with a feeling in my heart.What was it? It was unfamiliar. At first, I thought itwas merely an elevated sense of my usual feelings ofcontentment and happiness; when, in actuality, I wasfeeling love.
I moved to upstate New York so that my daughter,Madison, could attend a charter school. I chose a housein the country with four acres, a barn, and a pond. Iwanted my children to experience the "country life"where we could enjoy horses and live in a peacefulenvironment.
After we moved into our dream home, I had a party,complete with a band and a houseful of teenagers, forMadison's 15th birthday. It was an awesome night andone that I will never forget. Why? Because that wasthe night I met Thad. Thad was the band "Dad" whotransported all of the boy's instruments and equipmentto my house. He poked his head into the doorway to setdown an amplifier. As quickly as he peeked in, he slippedback out to grab the rest of the equipment. At that verymoment, I KNEW we had a "cosmic connection." I hadno idea how or why it developed, but I just knew wewere going to be connected at a deeper level.
Thad and I became friends, spending the next twoyears flirting with each another. We developed anincredible friendship and every time we were together,we seemed to radiate an energy that was obvious toeveryone else but us.
Our friendship developed to a point where I wascomfortable enough to ask him for help with a homelesschild I had taken under my wing. It was no longerpossible for the boy to stay with me, so I asked Thadif he could stay with him. The boy was a friend toThad's son. Thad agreed without hesitation. For thenext several months we co-parented a child that didn'tbelong to either one of us. Thad was the kindest andmost generous person I had ever met. He, much likeme, gave freely without ever considering how it mightimpact his life. I knew he was truly selfless.
Shortly thereafter, Thad and I decided to get togetherwith my roommate and her boyfriend to go out. After afantastic evening, we stopped to admire the view froma hilltop field overlooking Ithaca, NY. We lay in thehay field looking up at the stars, my head resting on hisshoulder and his arm around me. We still had no ideawe were falling in love.
It was only a few days later that I was driving downmy country road with those tears in my eyes, smilingfrom ear to ear, full of love and life and inspiration. Iwas so full that when I got home, I started my "LiveInspired Now" blog. (www.liveinspirednow.com) Iwanted to share my inspiration with the world. I wantedEVERYONE to live with the same passion and fullnessthat I was feeling. I wanted every single soul to feel thekind of love and excitement that was only just beginningto grow within me. I wanted them to realize that thereare no second chances. You truly only live once. Lettingit all pass you by is only a waste. To avoid risks, to notlay in a field, to not ride the shopping cart through thestore parking lot, or ever admit that you are in love withsomeone is really not living at all. (Duh, I still had noidea I was in love! My heart knew but it didn't tell myhead.) My very first post to the world was simply aboutlying in the grass, watching the clouds.
It took almost two weeks after that evening beforeI even realized I was in love! I stood in my bedroomcrying, telling my roommates, "I LOVE THAD!" Icould barely contain myself. I cried and laughed, sayingover and over again, "I can't believe it! I'm in love withThad!"
He was the reason why suddenly, everything lookedbrighter and life seemed more fun. My heart wasswelling with emotion. He was the reason I couldn'tpry the smile off of my face. He was the reason I felt soinspired each day! He was the motivation behind everyblog post. Each post was about something I did withThad or would love to do with Thad.
Shortly after my revelation, Thad called me andasked me out to lunch. I was thrilled when he asked meif I thought we had amazing chemistry and that we justclicked when we are together. I was beside myself andcould barely contain my excitement. I had JUST figuredout that I loved the man, and like a dream come true, hewas sitting right before me telling me he "like-likes" metoo! I wanted to leave to talk to him more because myoverwhelming emotion was attracting the attention ofthe hostess. (Even today I notice people staring at us. Ilike to think it's because we really do resonate with oneanother on a cosmic level that emits an amazing energythat is pleasant to observe.)
So off to the car we went, talking for quite sometime. We talked about the amazing connection we hadand what great friends we were and that we were verymuch attracted to one another. And I was so nervous!Nonetheless, we agreed to go on our first "real" datethat Saturday.
Thad and I spent the entire week texting, talking,"Facebooking", emailing, and communicating via anyother means you can think of, leading up to our bigdate on Saturday. He picked me up and that was it. Wehave never been apart since. Our date was so sweet,too. We went to dinner then to the grocery store to raceshopping carts. He challenged me to find the correctspelling of the word "roux" in one the cookbooks andstated that I would "win a kiss" if I had the correctspelling. Well, I found it and spelled it correctly whichmeant only one thing; our first kiss was only momentsaway! I was extremely nervous and thrilled at the sametime!
We left the store and headed to "our spot," the samehill where we snuggled in the hay field a couple weeksprior. It was there that we shared our very first kiss.The kiss that I "won" fair and square! OMG, I was sonervous. I could feel my heart pounding just a little bitmore than I could feel his heart jumping through hischest! It was magical. We kissed and hugged and talkedand ... talked more ... and after several hours he finallybrought me home. I was completely and hopelessly inlove. That very night we decided to change our Facebookstatuses to "in a relationship!" (Sign of the times! LOL)
When Thad got home that night, he sent me aFacebook message and told me "Heather Jane Deaville,I LOVE YOU!" I didn't want him to wait until morningto hear it back so I sent him a text message right awayand told him I loved him too! Four months later wewere engaged to be married. On the sixteenth of June2011, I married my best friend!
We are so blessed to share a genuine love that isexciting and beautiful and full of passion and romance.We have dedicated our lives to making one anotherhappy and raising our kids together. WOW. I love thatman so much!! He truly in my inspiration!
QUICK TIPS:
~If you want love, give love. You will always feel whatyou give. The only way to attract love to your life is bygiving and being love.
~We all make mistakes but choosing to love is never oneof them.
~If you meet the needs of your partner and vice versa,you will have a love that will last.
CHAPTER 2
Healthy Break-Ups
"Life is beautiful and will continue to be,if you choose to make it so!"— Heather Paris
If your relationship consists of constant fightingand struggles, it is because you are not meetingone another's needs. I have seen people who stay becauseof the kids, religion, family, or just because they "lovethem too much to leave." These are just excuses. Not allrelationships are meant to last and that's okay. What isnot okay is staying in a miserable relationship becauseyou are afraid of being alone. Or, you are afraid oflosing your house or children. If you are staying in arelationship because of fear, nobody wins. It would bebetter to move forward and learn to be happy again ratherthan to stay in misery. Most importantly, if children arepart of a failing relationship, please remember to puttheir needs first. Kids desperately need stability andsecurity. They depend on their parents one-hundredpercent to provide such security. When that securityis rocked, their world can feel like it is turned upsidedown. It can be frightening when your entire existencechanges, even if the prior existence was volatile. Speakhonestly with your kids about what is going on with thefamily without blaming or name-calling. Kids shouldnever be dragged through the mire of an unhealthybreak up.
If you or your partner decides to part ways, do sowith respect and not with resentment for what no longeris. Change is inevitable. You can either accept that andbe happy or fight the reality of the situation and livea life of struggle. People get so global over break ups;they believe they will never ever find the right personor that they will never be happy again, for some time,I thought that too, but I was wrong. They often thinkthey will never love or be able to trust again. Onlywhen you can be happy without the relationship andyou can love and trust, despite being hurt in the past,will you find a deep and truly meaningful love. Look atevery relationship as a learning experience, maybe evenas a lesson about what not to do again. You will mostcertainly learn something about yourself. For example,you stayed too long because you were afraid you mightnever find someone else. Whatever the reason, learn thelesson so you don't make the same mistakes in your nextrelationship! It is not fair to punish "Mr. Now" for "Mr.Past's" mistakes.
