September 16, 2001,

Today was a beautiful, blessed day in church with the Lord. I arrived there late, but I was still able to hear a good sermon. This week has been horrible for all Americans, and people around the world incredulously witnessing the destruction of the World Trade Center caused by terrorists. This nation is going through so much chaos, and turmoil from A to Z. Rumors of riots in Muslim American neighborhoods who were perceived as the real culprits have run rampant in New York City. Now the United States are thinking about war against Afghanistan, and other countries that were part of the plot. Even worst, Arab and Muslim Americans are being racially and religiously profiled fueled of bias attacks in the United States. People who attack other people in this country are no better than those monsters who killed the people on those planes crashing them. Why do we have so much hatred in our world? There is discrimination and, prejudice because of one's race, religion, gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, HIV status, ageism, disability, etc. The list continues in our daily interactions as human beings. We are all children of God made in his image and likeness. God made each of us different to love, not to hate. God wants us to bless us unconditionally, but how is that going to happen when we cannot love each other as brothers and sisters? No one deserves to be discriminated, and ostracized. Our children are growing up learning ignorance, intolerance, and hate. God only knows what I'd experience as a child growing up with all kind of abuses. This led me contemplating suicide because I couldn't bear the pain and suffering no more from certain family members. Despite it all, I pray, and ask God to continue to heal me everywhere I hurt because the tears are overwhelmingly burdensome. I was watching Sinead O' Connor's biography on VH1's Behind the Music relating to her story as she spoke of her childhood physical, sexual abuse, and depression. Most importantly I was moved how God saved and delivered her from the torments of her traumatic childhood. God is healing me everywhere I hurt, and I'm going to take it one day at a time.

September 17, 2001,

Today was a good day for me as I went to Manhattan looking for possible employment that might be of interest. There were people taking pictures of the location where the World Trade Center once stood. One man was angry and started cursing at the crowd because people we're not moving. Another man responded to another individual of the man's profanity, and even stared cursing himself. I traveled mostly in the city until I got off at 14th Street/ Union Square where they had this beautiful memorial for all the victims who died in the building and planes. It was so moving, and touching to see people coming together as one, I was transfixed mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. After the exquisite experience, I went to Brooklyn and exited off on Jay Street/ Borough Hall. I purchased two bottles of water and a book titled, "Soulmates: An Illustrated Guide to Black Love, Sex, and Romance" by Eric V. Copage. Movies like "Waiting to Exhale", "Love Jones", "The Best Man", "The Brothers", and the number one comedy, "Two Can Play That Game" starring Vivica A. Fox, and Morris Chestnut, there is such a dramatic shift now on how African-Americans are portrayed in the movies. Black love, romance, and sex is now comically portrayed with humor, and candor. We should always see the beauty, and resilience that lies in us and not dictated to what the media say we are. I'm better than that!

September 18, 2001,

I woke up early this morning to the awakening sounds of my grandmother asking me about my job. I'm currently looking for another job because God said he was going to bless me with one. I went to the city to see if they had employment services in newspapers and magazines picking up the periodicals. I went to Queens to see if a restaurant had the same newspaper they had before with all the jobs. The man told me they ran out of them. I went to a drugstore looking for a product dealing with my nails and face. This nice lady told me to go to the pharmacy where they had in the back of the store, I asked the man about my nail and he wrote the name of the product on paper. Later on I asked another man about something for my face, and wrote it discreetly on a piece of paper. Both must be prescribed by my doctor so I definitely got a great head start. I opened my mail and I received a confirmation letter from Pastor Dan Stewart. He's been writing to me over the past two years. God sent him in my life to help me of my hurt and pain. People think they know me, and have the right to judge when they don't know anything about my situation. I know a good judge who always tells me, "I'd won and case closed". You see when you put your trust, and faith in God about things, life, enemies he will make a way for you to win, and never lose. I love God because he made me just the way I am. I will not let ignorant people get the best of me because God is my refuge and strength in the time of trouble. After years of abuse, and the burdens I had to carry I'm finally learning to love myself. I still have demons to conquer that need disappearing in my life. I have physical, mental, and emotional scars that need healing. I just hope and pray God will help me get to the place that he wants me to be. That will always be my prayer.

September 19, 2001,

Today was a beautiful, sunny day as I ventured out doing what I had to do. Quieting my thoughts listening to CD101.9 burning incense in my room, I know my day was truly blessed. I went to Harlem today to see this prophetess who is helping me with the things in my life, but she was not there. Psychics really get a bad name because people think most of them are con artists. I gave this woman $140.00 last Friday, and she still has not returned from her "trip. I went to another psychic charging me $10.00 telling me about myself. The research she need to do for the person I'm interested in is $200.00. After I left, I said to myself no. There are some people who are blessed with this gift, but are not using it the right way. I went to this African bookstore I picked up an application for employment, then I was in Fort Greene Park speaking to this woman of being an African- American homeowner. She referred me to a man that was sitting on the bench that she spoke to. We were talking about the high prices of apartments and studios in Brooklyn. I went further up the hill where I spoke to this brother. We had an engaging conversation about music, different forms of writing, and songwriting. He was really nice and open to share his talents with his guitar playing singing. Spiritually, I felt connected to his music and my emotions. Love is something I need now in my life at age 20. For twenty years I lived in fear, blame, guilt, forgiveness, shame, and most importantly being unloved. I want to be loved by someone. I know God loves me, but a soulmate would really be nice. In the 1997 box office hit movie, "Soul Food", Vanessa L. Williams character, Teri Joseph after finding out her husband's infidelity, she tells Myles, "Everything I love, I lose". As for me, I feel this way trying to have unconditional love, peace, and happiness in my life. Can I imagine? Yes, because I know it is real. I hope and pray God will send me the right one I would love to share my world.

September 20, 2001,

A rainy day filled the earth as I quietly spent some time at home. My grandmother wanted to go to the store for her to buy bananas. Later on I was watching a fashion show on television showcasing African-American models and fashion designers. It's always good seeing black people doing positive things. It makes me proud to do anything I want to do in life if I set my mind to it. I ran across a neighbor who will ask me for money or anyone else. I feel if God gave you two hands, legs, two feet, and a brain, then do something with it. Get a job! I'm not going to let his ignorance or anyone else get to me. Of course, he used the word "nigga", but that show how ignorant and immature he is for twenty-six. The evening concluded watching BET's Comicview, and the show before that, "Oh Drama"! Oh Drama had excellent guests such as comediennes Chocolate, Hope, Sheryl Underwood, and Dr. Juanita Bynum. (Her article was featured in the May 2001 issue of Essence). As well as hostesses Kym Whitley, Vanessa Bell Calloway, and Julissa Martinez. The topic was about God, being saved, and how you should live right as a Christian. The topic caught my attention with the women giving their own opinions reflecting myself in different ways. People think a Christian is suppose to be holy, holy, holy. None of us in this world is perfect except God. For the bible says, "All have sinned falling short to the glory of God". God is good all the time and I want to be perfect all the time, but its humanly impossible. I try to live up to perfection knowing I don't live in a stain free world.

September 21, 2001,

Today was a hot, humid day as I went to my job to pick up my paycheck. I was working, and still am as a telemarketer before the horrific incident, and tragedy of September 11. The good Lord blessed me with fourteen hours on my check instead of twelve because I work twelve hours a day. I bought a shirt that read, "God Bless America" showing the World Trade Center 1975-2001. I felt proud wearing that because it shows patriotism and respect of the American symbol. My grandmother, and cousin were talking about the crisis, and possibly being drafted. In my mind, I thought, "hell no". I'd been through enough wars in my young life as it is, and I did not want to be bothered with any kind of negative situations. The evening concluded watching the program of celebrities coming together from Brad Pitt to Julia Roberts, to Chris Rock, and Cuba Gooding, Jr. I just hope and pray this too shall come to pass.

September 22, 2001,

Today was a blessed day which I gave thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It started with ironing my clothes so I can meet my counselor for advice and support. My church was also saying goodbyes to my dear friend and missionary board member Sister Dorothy Thompson. She is a wonderful, beautiful, spirited person inside out. My church is truly blessed because God brought my church through tough times. It's 2001, the new millennium for changes in my life as well as myself. It's great to have God in your life and still enjoy the best things with joy. I want to have a whole new change about myself inside out. God is going to make my dreams come true. He's going to bless me with a soulmate, be prosperous in all I do, and have a whole new physical appearance. It's time for a change though it won't be easy. I have to try.

September 23, 2001,

The blessings of God are beautiful as I enjoyed an awesome day in service. My neighbor Dana asked about me as she always is and came over informing me that one of his sisters in the church was looking for me. She gave me some nice casual shoes I tried on and it was though that counts. I decided to go train hopping taking the number 4 to Fordham Road in the boogie down Bronx. I started feeling tired, and went home to enjoy the rest of the evening reflecting on how God was good to me. I'm trying to be a good person, but I always know someone is always looking out for my best interest.

September 25, 2001,

It was a cloudy, rainy day that affected my mood. I didn't have any money to go to work. I asked my grandmother for money, but she only gave me four dollars. I needed more than that for food. It turned into an argument, and I don't understand why? I beg her if she can give me twenty dollars which she finally did. Why do my grandmother and almost every family member act like I'm the worst person in the world? They don't know what I'd been dealing in my life. When I tell them next thing you know they use it to hurt me, but personally 2001 was a horrific year for me, but I'm being optimistic, hopefully, and most importantly prayerful that 2002 will be better. Later on that evening, I attended bible study, and my bishop asked me, "Do you like you're blessed?" I responded yes I am.

September 26, 2001,

Today I went for a job interview that went really well. God blessed me to be and feel confident, and to put all my trust and faith in him. The job pays $10-$20 per hour which is excellent and I'll also be doing marketing, but it won't be setting. I'll be telling people how to save on their energy bills. I hope and pray that God will bless me with a better paying job, and give me favor on my credit report, wealth, and be prosperous. I don't want to focus on the material things because my spiritual stability is extremely important. Without the Lord, I'm nothing. Tonight I watched my favorite show, "Soul Food". The series is taking a hiatus but in the meantime, I have to convey myself with priorities that are crucially beneficial to me.

September 27, 2001,

I went on my day of observation in reference seeing on how the marketing job works. You tell people on how they can save money on their energy bill. I went with this seventeen- year-old high school dropout. I'm twenty, but I'm sure glad I don't look my age. I was in the Midwood section of Brooklyn, New York and we were going door to door. I finally couldn't take it anymore, and left him by himself with his stuff that he gave me, and I went home. I know it was wrong, but the Holy Spirit spoke to me about this job not being right for me. Who want to go door to door telling people about something and then get an attitude? I went to church for their evening service for people who are deeply hurting spiritually. I hope I'll be able to stand, and rise above any challenges, but subconsciously it's taking a toll on me.

October 1, 2001,

I went to my job this morning meeting my other co-workers, but instead I took a trip to the city. What today was the longest, cold, insightful day I'd ever experienced in my life? I know God shows us things in our lives to realize why we see things from happy to sad, to blessed to glad because he spared us from the worst people. I went to Pier 94 on the West Side Highway where survivors and victims' families were trying to get financial assistance. There were so many people, and organizations ranging from The Salvation Army to The American Red Cross, and even spiritual care. A Salvation Army employee told me to go to DeWitt Clinton Park across the street from the Pier 94 site. Other people were there too, but after six hours of eating snacks, drinking three cups of hot chocolate, and apple cider, I finally received services from them. They registered me asking for my information which in hindsight was worth it. The Red Cross is going to send me a check for $321.00 which is a blessing I don't take for granted.

October 2, 2001,

A beautiful, bright sunny day as I prepared myself to do what I have to do. My mother came over this morning cooking, and assisting my grandmother. She was trying to help me see if I can receive food stamps. Tomorrow, I'm going to Williamsburg, Brooklyn to hopefully receive my benefits. I went to my former college Long Island University (Brooklyn Campus) to the Registrar's office for them to fill out the bottom part of the paper, so I can receive my loan deferment at approximately six months. I have to payback my loan starting March 2002. What I really need is a personal loan if I can get one due to my bad credit. Where there is God, there will always be a way. My blessed day concluded with once again bible study that simply concluded my evening. Now the real work begins in a matter of hours.

October 3, 2001,

It sure felt like summertime as I enjoyed the 78 degree weather to my liking. I went to Williamsburg on Marcy Avenue as I applied for assistance. Being unemployed for two weeks you need all the assistance you can, or will receive. I went online to register under Safe Horizon, but that was only for the victims of the World Trade Center, and for the people who lived around the area. I went to the Department of Labor where a lady gave me a phone number to call for assistance, and other jobs I might be interested in. After leaving with a sense of relief waiting for the shuttle bus, another woman gave me information where I can apply for a job. I then went to my native Brooklyn where I applied for a personal loan of $20,000. I hope I can get the loan despite my unattractive credit. I went home seeing my uncle Kevin, and I secretly hate him. He abused me physically and verbally when I was a little boy. I try to escape the evils, pain, and trauma of my childhood, and growing up. I need the scars to go away because people want to see me die.