CHAPTER 1

For many years, I have been playing with the word and concept of love. Early on in my career as a metaphysician, I realized whatever a client might believe his or her issue to be, a lack of love was at the core ... specifically a lack of self-love.

So I began to concentrate on that in my own life.

To be able to help others find the tools to tap into self-love, I first had to examine my own journey.

It began more than two decades ago when I "left home" and moved in with a friend, while my (now ex) husband and I tried to work things out.

My friend told me that the main thing - the only thing - I needed to do was to love myself, to tell myself I loved myself. Every single day. How weird is that? I never had been told that before. Never considered it either.

A foreign concept ... loving myself. Especially when society scolded people, often making them feel selfish or self-centered if they focused on themselves.

Being the good Catholic girl I am, however, I obeyed. And it was hard; I didn't believe a word of it.

But at the time, I was aware of only one thing – my life of three decades was falling apart before my eyes, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Forget the big stuff – the marriage, the thirty years of birthdays, holidays, families, friends, vacations, not to mention the day-to-day routine, the birds outside my kitchen window, the clerks at the neighborhood grocery store, the post office where I mailed packages to out-of-state family and friends, the men who picked up the trash in front of the house, the DMV where I renewed my driver's license ... all gone.

My friend understood while I was a bundle of emotions inside, when they were finally exorcised, I would be dealing with a vast empty space where I would feel as though all the familiar sights and sounds of my previous life had been erased.

(It would be a long time before I truly understood those things weren't erased at all – just archived; but at that particular time in my life, I needed to deal with the present.)

My friend, a writer, believes the pen is connected with the unconscious, and vise-versa, so she bought me a journal and told me to write in it. And I did, over and over again. Every day. Being a teacher, I understood the value of audio learning, so I also said the words. Looked into the mirror and told myself "I love you." Over and over.

How did that work for me? It didn't. I felt like an idiot. Standing in front of a mirror, telling myself I loved myself when every fiber of my body knew I had been rejected by the only man I ever loved, the man I admired, respected, and trusted with my very life.

If he didn't want me, why did I want me? Why would anyone ever want me?

But, again, as a teacher, I understood that structure – and discipline – is the one anchor the world gives us to hold on to, I continued to do my exercises – on paper and in the mirror.

It took the better part of that first year before my affirmations of self-love began to settle in, and even then I vacillated between feeling like there might be something in there to love and feeling like my whole life had been a lie.

But gradually, it began to sink in. And slowly, without even consciously realizing it, I began to feel joy again. It came in little snippets, but it was there. I would get out of the shower, look in the mirror, smile at me and say, "Good morning, I love you."

A few years later, it hit me like an explosion that loving myself actually was tying into my love for God. God created me. How could I not love what God created?

And if I loved God, it only stands to reason I would love myself, as God's creation. This connection made a big impression on me, making my journey of self-love somehow different and deeper.

Phrases such as, "made in His image and likeness"; and "God doesn't make junk" took on new meaning. And as they did, my feelings about myself began to shift. Maybe there really was good stuff here to love.

Then the word "unconditional" entered my awareness, specifically in terms of loving myself "unconditionally." This literally meant ... there could be no "conditions" keeping me from loving myself fully and totally. It meant I had to love even the things I didn't particularly like in myself ... talk about taking love to a whole new level.

In order to love myself unconditionally, I began to understand I had to fully accept myself. Right then, in the moment. I had to allow me to be me, and I had to appreciate all of it. Big order!

Besides loving, accepting, allowing and appreciating myself, I had to look at doing it just for the sake of doing it, not expecting anything in return. And I had to look at being able not only to love myself, but also to receive that love.

One of the tools I took into this journey was my innate determination, a gift we're all given, but one we have to learn to control.

In my case, determination was one of those things I felt I needed to soften, as there is a thin line between determination and stubbornness; but overall, determination is the fuel that keeps us driving when we aren't "seeing" the things we so want to manifest in our lives.

As I "played" with the concept of love, I realized that I was now dealing with love with a capital L.

This Love was no longer the love society gushes about, advertises out the wazoo, sentimentalizes, defines and approves.

Now, I was on a whole new playing field and, well ... loving it!!! And loving me!!!

* * *

Growing up, I never felt like I belonged ... I had buckteeth and was made fun of.

Regardless of whether it was neighborhood kids, elementary classmates, high school gang or even college friends and sorority sisters, I always felt like I was on the sidelines. On the outskirts of each group but not an integral part.

As I set about 'healing and loving' myself, I became aware my search for belonging and love began at a very young age – 3, to be exact. While I knew my parents loved me, my mother was unable to show affection or verbalize that love. She didn't say, "I love you." My father, on the other hand, made me feel like I hung the moon but I came to realize he was absent a lot.

As is often the case, when I grew up, I married a man who could not show love and affection and was not present. Although unconscious, it was my pattern, what I knew, and I easily could navigate those familiar waters.

Now, I understand when these experiences became too painful, they ultimately drove me "inside" to look for love, rather than continue to look for it on the outside ... from people – good people – who were incapable of giving me what I thought I needed.

It took my divorce to truly get me on the path of healing and figuring out who really was in there.

The other words of wisdom this dear friend gave me almost from the first moment we met ... you have all the answers within you. Figure out the question and you will get the answer.

It took many years for me to truly get this understanding, but now I can say it to clients with deep knowing of this truth along with the life experience to know how empowering it is.

So, I used the new tools, recycling them, tweaking them until I felt comfortable making them my own. This was my journey, unique to me, so the tools had to be mine. I had to make all the decisions. I had to figure out what was right for me. I was captain of my own ship.

And I did not have to go far ... it was all inside me.

When we are ready and ask the question, the teacher always shows up. I had a very big part of myself missing and I was not fully aware of it. But it was there; I just had it tucked so deep, I lost touch with it.

In my case, it was the feminine side of me. Though I didn't know it at the time, it probably happened when a tumor was detected on my uterus. I wasn't having anything growing inside of me that was not supposed to be there.

I gave no further thought to the matter after a second opinion confirmed the diagnosis and seconded the need for a hysterectomy. I went for the whole thing and my feminine organs were removed.

It wasn't until 2013 that I realized the degree to which I had shut down my femininity and I cried. This, of course, may not be the case for other women. But any disease, pain or abnormal growths are signs that could lead us to the root cause ... the emotional, psychological or spiritual issue that might need addressing. Sometimes doing that first alleviates the issue without drastic measures.

So chickens had come home to roost. I had to look at why I had shut down my femininity and deal with those repressed emotions and fears.

I really had to love myself through this part of my journey and love the people – family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances – who unintentionally said or did things that I found hurtful.

I grew to learn all these people were my teachers, yet on their own journey. At this point, I was far enough along on my spiritual journey in uncovering the love inside me that I was able to understand, forgive and yes, love them and myself.

Then came the part of accepting my feminine side. You'd think for a woman that would be easy ... not for me. It felt awkward.

I hadn't worn a skirt or a dress since the 80's. Along with that realization, I also came to see I was judgmental of women who I believed flaunted their sexuality.

And I couldn't even use the word 'sexy' in reference to myself. The word was so abhorrent, I had to start with 'sensual' and I even gagged on that.

But I knew it was important for me to accept all parts of myself, to allow myself to express all parts of myself.

A relationship, my first one in more that a decade since my divorce, gave me the vehicle to explore myself and to discover this vibrant, sexy, sensual woman who really enjoys 'being a girl'. And that is almost literal. When I discovered how enjoyable my body was, I felt like a teenager.

I further discovered how important it was to see my relationship with myself as exactly that ... a relationship.

I began to see things I did for myself as an act of love, honor and respect. Or not. This certainly helped my choices ... that is, if I took the time to think and feel before I spoke or acted.

Again, I felt like I was taking loving myself to another level. It was up to me to acknowledge my presence on this planet. It was up to me to make myself feel relevant. It was up to me to keep the fire stoked. It was no one else's responsibility ... it was mine!

As I began to go within and I found the love I was looking for ... guess what?! I now had it on the outside as well ... true and present with a feeling others truly did love me and want me in their lives. How fabulous is that!!!

I often say to my female clients, we only need the man for the sperm. I understand that's a drastic statement but sometimes we have to go there to fully grasp the concept that it's all inside of ourselves; we were made complete, we are complete.

Each one of us is perfect and complete.

Seeing ourselves as perfect and complete can be a challenge and that's putting it mildly. From a very early age, we are unintentionally coached into being critical and judgmental not only about ourselves but about everyone else, as well.

No wonder we have difficulty seeing ourselves and others as perfect and complete.

Another incredible gem given to me in the throes of my darkest days was the quote from the Jesuit philosopher, Teilhard de Chardin ... "we are spiritual beings having a human experience."

This struck such a cord with me. In no way, shape or form was I able to make heads or tails of my current situation at the time. I remember sitting in the corner of the room I had at my friend's home and wondering if I would ever smile again.

The quote was in the front of a book on a page by itself. I don't even remember the book's title, but I remember the quote and the effect it had on me.

If I was a spiritual being, than none of this was real. Surely as a spiritual being, I was not hurting like I was as a human being, so this was all going to pass.

There had to be a monumental learning coming from all this pain, so when the pain was too great and I needed answers I would rise above it in meditation. In doing that, I would get some relief along with the understanding I needed to function, bringing it down to the day-to-day feelings and experiences of my human life.

It was still a slow process. I had a lot of baggage that needed unpacking.

Like most people, since I was still working a pretty hectic schedule with lots of travel, the time set aside for my healing was 'catch as catch can.'

But I did indeed heal ... what I did not know was that the best was yet to come.

* * *

I was living in the South when my life turned upside down. A year later I moved back to the East Coast and began my life as a single career woman. Though the marriage was severed, professionally, I continued working with my former husband, who had moved on to a new life with a new wife.

But, odd as it may seem, it was OK. I was committed to my spiritual journey, knowing that it would always be an integral part of my life. I was surviving; and though the pain was still there, its sharpness diminished as my spiritual journey expanded. And there were good days, days when I laughed and smiled with friends and family.

However, when I retired ten years later my life took another turn.

I had healed ... to a point. Evidently the bags weren't completely unpacked. Yes, I loved myself but not near to the degree I would and will in the years ahead.

I journeyed in and out, up and down, far and wide. It took all of those directions to find the various tools I would use and eventually share with others. But I sincerely know the most incredible journey and the most important one was the one inside ... after all ... all the answers are there.

Until you go inside, the tools are just external props that make you feel like you're doing something. We're all about doing something and in most cases, it has to be a showy something.

I was blessed with a knowing right from the very beginning of my journey, and actually, my life. Although I did not fully understand what it meant, I stated it to various mentors and teachers ... I have to become this stuff ... I have to be it. It can't just stay in my head. It's not enough to think it, speak it, feel it, I have to be it ... whatever it is.

I throw various words and concepts at this but I'm still not sure if I fully know what that means.

What I do know is that it involves LOVE. Right now I seem to be focused on saying Love can only do Love. So if I am Love which I believe I am, I can only do Love.

But how does one do Love? Really do Love? Really do unconditional Love?

That is what this book is about.

CHAPTER 2

Someone, maybe a parent, sibling, friend tells us he/ she loves us. We sense that that's a good thing. Then we are asked if we love them, and we say "yes." But do we really know what that all means?

To many – maybe even most of us, there are conditions to love. For example, if you loved me, you would __________, fill in the blank: take out the garbage, do better in school, eat all your vegetables, go to sleep, get out of bed, clean up your room, and on and on and on, depending on the circumstances and current need for control.

And so we learn, are conditioned to believe, that love has to be earned, or at the very least, has conditions placed on it. Probably not what any of us bargained for when we decided to visit the earth.

We came to the earth knowing we are love and are loved. And in truth – which we knew in the beginning, love is everything ... the sun, the moon, the stars, joy, peace, happiness, perfect, complete ... everything perfect and wonderful and majestic and fabulous ... everything perfect and in truth, the only thing we are.

This is the First Level of love ... our Truth ... our Being.

This talk of 'do this to show you love me'; or 'I am showing my love for you by doing this' is just that - talk. Conditions. Limits. Parameters. Good way to show it; not so good a way to show it. Acceptable, not acceptable.

How could something so pure, perfect, expansive, inclusive be defined?

However, that's how society elected to deal with something – so intangible, so wonderful, so good to be true and something we hungered for above all other things.