CHAPTER 1
Love between Fire and Ice
A woman once said to me, "I can no longer describe the stage I havereached in the relationship with whom I love. Sometimes, I see thingsall mixed up, and I ask myself, `Does he still love me as I had knownhim when our love was born? Or is that ardent fire that used to glow sofervently extinguished?' He no longer calls me every day or several timesa day as he used to do. I no longer find in him the same yearning. I, inturn, have shifted my emotions accordingly; I grant him but little andignore phoning him or answering his few calls. What do you think? Am Iextravagant in my emotions? Or am I a romantic dreamer in my love?"
The problem she is complaining about is common. It may face anyperson involved in a relationship. It is the problem of most marriedcouples, especially those whose marriage was based solely on love.Relationships go through different stages.
The initial stage in any relationship is a phase characterized by carefullysailing across the other's heart and emotions and creeping into theirdepths. It is a phase where each carries many inquiries for which he orshe tries to find answers. Each one seeks a lot of information about theother. In order to obtain that, telephone calls to each other last for hoursand hours without becoming boring or tedious. Why? Because there is atopic to talk about, motivation, questions waiting for answers, curiosity,eagerness, and longing. These are the reasons for our many calls.
At the beginning of a relationship, the temperature of passions comesto the boiling point. If these passions are not balanced, and if they arisefrom adolescents who lack experience and art, the boiling will increaseto where it will vaporize all the atoms of passion and emotion. Therewill be no boiling left, no fire, no warmth, and at the end, it will befrost and ice.
In a mature stage of emotions and minds, however, in a stage of reasonand experience, love is different. That is why people say that true lovecomes but once in a lifetime. If passions develop into love, and heat risesto boiling, what is needed, then, is balance to transform that boilinginto continuous warmth. Continuous warmth is better than steam thatis temporary. In this stage, the heat continues and saves the feelingsfrom coldness and frost.
In other words, the first love—the adolescent love—is a sudden case ofincreasing boil, where everything evaporates. Mature and logical lovealways glows with warmth. First love is like a dress, which a personcan change whenever and with whatever one wishes, but mature lovebecomes our skin; it becomes part of us. Skin cannot be replaced, forman is not a serpent.
When a relation has gone on for some time, one should not expect one'spartner to call the same number of times as in the early stages. Neithershould this absence be interpreted as indifference or a change of feelings;it is but a natural course in the relationship.
The solution for keeping the bridge or "hot line" connected between thetwo people is continuity. How does this happen? One's lover naturallywill no longer call as frequently after the two people have gotten toknow each other.
This does not mean, however, that a couple should keep away from eachother for days, not knowing each other's news and not talking abouttheir news and plans. Everybody knows the effect a swift phone callcan have, even if they say only a few words to each other—for instance,"How are you?" Or in the words of musician Stevie Wonder, "I justcalled to say I love you." It is a message in tones full of love and longingthat the other feels. In this short call, each one tells the other "I am withyou, I am reassured, and I love you."
This stage—where a relationship has progressed but the man is nolonger calling as frequently—is the midpoint between boiling andfreezing. As days pass by, and after each side has learned enough of theother, they reach that phase I call the "point of balance." We neverknow when and how we reach it, but it is only at this stage that thingsbegin to equalize. The relationship takes on a special style; it grows intoa mature relationship. It is the flame that lovers bestow on the feelingsof their beloved, thus keeping their emotions warm. With this, eachone can go on in his or her love and enjoy it. It will provide trust, joy,and creativity in their lives. In contrast, staying away from each otherlowers the temperature of the feelings to coldness and frost. Thereafter,lovers lose their love, lament it afterward, and repent not having savedit before it was too late.
CHAPTER 2
Can Love Be Lawful?
A woman once criticized me by saying, "I sense in some your writingsin the magazine Kull Annas that you concentrated on subjects aboutlove. I find it strange, because your articles in the newspaper Al Madinahlack this. Moreover, you encourage morals and virtues in these otherarticles. How come?"
It is true that I have written about love sometimes—this is one of thefactors of a successful marriage. I do not mean to say that marriagefails if love is absent, as sometimes there is a forced continuation of themarriage. Life carries on in a dull and boring way, with each partnerplaying his or her role "for the sake of the children" and to avoidpeople's gossip. The result, however, will be more frustration and morepsychological complexities, due to the emptiness in their lives. Theseconsequences will be reflected, in turn, in their children and often inextramarital affairs.
The Creator Almighty summarized this issue in the Quranic verse,"and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts]" Quran, SuratAl Room, AIX No.20). Muslims, as believers who believe in Godand His books, are confident that what was said in the Quran willbe achieved without doubt, that God will help married couples andcreate love between them if they truly believe in their marriage. It issupposed that this love occurs between them, and the intimacy willlast. The word "intimacy" here is the proof of its importance as a fenceto guard and protect both spouses. It is to their own benefit to developthis intimacy and keep this fence strong. It will protect the problemsof marital life from decay and breaking up. A hard task needs a lot ofeffort and experience from both sides.
The holy Quran has expressed the importance of the intimaterelationship between them, using the expression "dress," which is aclear indication of closeness; each of the spouses is as close as a dress tothe other. The Sunna, which is the collection of sayings and teachingsof Prophet Mohammed, peace be upon him, has also referred in manypoints to the tools of a happy marriage. The prophet, peace be uponhim, preached and urged men to care for women, to be kind to them,and to treat them nicely. This is also what he assured in his instructionsduring his "Farewell Sermon," as well as in many other counsels. Heurged women, in return, to respect and adore their husbands.
Among all these directions and preachings, however, the Islamic lawhas warned us against the splitter of marriages, Satan, the cursed. TheSunna tells us that destroying marriages is among Satan's priorities. Thisagain affirms the importance of patience and striving for a happy maritallife. Therefore, it does us no harm to search for what may bring abouthappiness—love comes as one of the special tools. Sadly, though, somepeople of the new generation forget or neglect that lovely directionfrom our prophet Mohammed, despite that many new studies prove theeffectiveness and impact of what he said since that time. We live in anarea where some of us ignore the great manners of the first followers ofthe prophet, peace be upon him.
Whenever I write about love, I do not mean to bless love without legalbounds, of course. I have never done that, and I will not do so in thefuture. Whenever I discuss this issue, I always insist on the importance ofchoosing the right partner. There are a number of factors that determinethis matter, but one thing is clear: reason must come before passion. (Iexplain this in detail in my book Secrets of Love and Marriage.)
There is a narration from the life of the Prophet Mohammed, peace beupon him, about this matter. It is said that a man came to the prophet,peace be upon him, to tell him that he had proposed to a woman. Theprophet asked him, "Did you look at her?" The man answered no. Atthat, the prophet said, "Go look at her, as it may be that love arisesbetween you."
The same is what psychologists nowadays say—some kind of chemistryoriginates between the two people. This chemistry makes each of themflutter, and something inside them moves when they see each other. Itmeans there is an acknowledgment of the force of admiration and itsimportance in forming the first seeds that will then grow and prosper.
I always remind young women to remember the importance of rejectingany emotional attachment if there are no legal bounds. There is noopposition between the importance of love and its lawfulness, if weallow this love to develop only after a legal engagement, as instructedin Islam. This will also guard them against intruders, from whom wedo not expect goodness, truth, and manhood. I've also said that thisrejection from young women is a protection and guard for them. Ithelps them to stimulate their minds before any development that makespassions control the course of the relationship. If this happens, they willpay dearly for the consequences.
Love, then, is something beautiful and forms an important factor. Imean real love, built upon mature and comprehensive selection. Thislove should be based on a number of factors and should grow only inaccordance with the law. I always explain the different kinds of love—howthey are found, how to deal with them, and how to keep themactive and rejuvenated. I believe that understanding this, combinedwith the basis of proper selection and the factors of happiness, are allvital essentials that need to be studied and taught. This is better thanthe ignorance and suppression for which the younger generations paya dear price.
However, we cannot ignore the fact that sometimes destiny plays itstricks on people. This is the case when it makes people fall in love withsomeone they never planned or wished for. In such cases, it is essentialthat there is a strong background of faith and moral fences to guardthem and make them resist temptations. If these principles are wanting,people will fall into wrongdoings and prohibited actions and will allowthemselves to trespass the borders of legal limits. At the end, though,they will pay for it.
CHAPTER 3
Futile Experiences—Afflictions of Love (1)
Another woman complained to me that she had just ended a futilemarriage experience. All her dreams and visions for the future wereshattered upon the rocks of bitter truth and reality. It made her sufferpain and torture. In an instant, her magnificent dreams and beliefsabout the man she thought was her dream prince were ruined. Thatprince mounted his white horse and came from behind a fence of merehopes.
1. How is it possible that a person I always thought of as a remarkableand authentic gentleman turned out to be cold, heartless, and withoutpassion?
2. After such a rough experience and after the wreck it left inside me,how can I ever think of another man? And if I ever did, how can I avoidthe same mistake again?
All this happened, she said, under strange circumstances. She first meta man in the street and then talked to him on the phone for more thantwo months—without even knowing his surname. Then they spokefor two more months, during which he used a false name. After heassured her of his increasing desire for her, he started to give her bits ofinformation every now and then. By then, he was sure that the arrowsof emotion and longing he sent to her heart had hit their target and werestuck deep in her bosom. He was a smart impostor; he wanted to makeher fall in the trap of his love. After that, it wouldn't matter what sheknew about him, because love had seized her heart and covered everychance of her choosing or questioning. It would have been better if shehad stopped talking to that man in the first place!
It is not uncommon in today's society to find those dreamy andromantic men, those who used to be full of flowing passions, suddenlychanging into men of opposite characters. This happens because ofour materialistic way of life. Some people consider love as a means fortrading and achieving goals and personal benefits. I repeat that choice isthe basis of the success in any relationship.
In the above case, it was the lady—and no one else—who consideredher "man" a dream prince and a noble gentleman. He conquered herheart and invaded it through her weak points. Then he bombarded herwith sweet expressions of love, desire, and adoration. She opened herdoors for him without any barriers, pacts, or thinking. She made thedecision to bind herself to him quickly, for fear of losing him. She didnot give herself a chance to verify all the attributes she found excitingin her lover, in order to verify the sincerity and truth. She joined himand was his companion during happiness, peace, and dreams but didnot get to know his other face—when he was angry, for example. Evenif she did know some of that, the fast-growing love inside her kept herfrom seeing the facts and reality. It blinded her heart from perceivingthe truth.
CHAPTER 4
Futile Experiences—Afflictions of Love (2)
The more successful you are in selecting your marriage partner andthe more you depend on a firm basis and principles, the better chanceyou have of making your marriage triumphant. It is important to learnthese principles of forming relationships and how they begin. Anyrelationship goes through a number of phases, from the beginning untilreal love is achieved. Whatever the nature of is the relationship, theoutset always occurs in a passing instant, where the feelings are touchedand a fire is lit in the bosom. This is the first stage.
In this first stage, some people suddenly find themselves gazing fora long time at someone to whom they're attracted. They find thepersonalities of these individuals exciting or are fascinated by theirwords. Whatever the factors or the influences, this situation is calledattraction and develops into infatuation. It usually takes no longer thanan instant or two—a strong contrast to the duration of real love.
Attraction should be evaluated further so a mature choice can be made.One must pass the temporary emotional reaction and get to deeperbeliefs and standards that exist within each person and are embracedwith the mind, nature, and soul.
This attraction is so important that we give it much of our attentionand care. The pillars of any relationship are built upon its strong orweak construction, and the success or failure of the relationship dependsupon it.
Attraction may occur by a simple look, a smile, or by listening tosomeone's voice; we deal with other factors later. Attraction may developinto admiration and grow naturally. When it grows in this way, it iscalled "complete admiration." In such a case, each part of the couple isdrawn inwardly toward the other. They feel comfortable in the presenceof each other; they like to listen to each other, feel pleasure in talking,trust each other, and so forth. However, as much as this admirationdevelops, nothing but mutual respect may spring from it, and after that,friendship arises. This, indeed, is a noble relation, but it is not love. Onthe other hand, that affinity may develop and find fertile soil in whichthe seeds grow and flourish. When this happens, friendship no soonerappears than it grows into real and true love.
That is why admiration is so important when choosing the life partner,for all relationships arise from and depend on it. The more mature thisadmiration is, the more fruitful the selection will be, and success is morelikely to accompany love and marriage, which crowns it all.
If attraction is based only on a single characteristic of the other person,such as how someone looks or a particular feature he or she has, it isinfatuation. The selection then is built on a weak basis, and the samegoes for any love or marriage built upon it. Appealing appearances maydiminish with age or even at the beginning of marriage. Moreover, nomatter how great the countenance that attracted people, they will getused to it with time. It will become something ordinary.
Even worse, all the negative aspects of the partner will become evident,and people will then find the partner tedious and draw away from himor her.
This kind of admiration comes from the type of love I call "dazzledlove." It emerges from quick and immature affection, where a personhas been dazzled suddenly by the other because of one quality or onefactor. It is the opposite of the selection emerging from a completeadmiration of many factors and qualities.
