CHAPTER 1

Before You Begin

Everyone Is Different

Parenting is the most wonderful job you can do and probably the most frustrating. Successful parenting causes people to grow and change. Parents are pushed and tested in ways unmatched in any other work. I'm glad you're reading this booklet. It suggests that you are willing to grow with your child.

Love & Limits has tools you can use with your children. It has many tools because everyone is different. Something that works well for another person may not work for you. That's okay. There are enough ideas here for everyone. Your job is to find a tool that will work — for both you and your child.

Some people want one tool they can use all the time. There are none. No tool works all the time. This is because children grow and change. When a tool no longer works, try another tool. Keep trying until you find one that works for you and your child.

Both you and your child will feel better about each other because you have used tools that build your child's self-esteem instead of tools that hurt or shame him or her.

Where to Start

Love & Limits offers you both child guidance tools and a four-step process for solving problems. If the problem is serious or really bothers you, use the process to guide you. If your problem is not serious, you can experiment with different tools. First, we will review the tools and then the process.

Star Points and Tools

Love & Limits offers many child guidance tools. These tools are grouped into five points or sets of tools. As you can see in the star above, each point focuses on a different aspect of parenting. The more points you use when dealing with a problem, the more likely you will be to resolve the problem satisfactorily.

Avoid the problem. Many problems can be avoided by reducing stress, by changing things or the schedule, or by offering choices. When you reduce the number of hassles with kids you can work more effectively on the issues that are important to you.

Look for good behavior and reward cooperation. The behavior you notice and comment on is the behavior you get. This is true regardless of whether you praise or nag. You can encourage desired behavior by looking for it, giving the child time to cooperate, and rewarding the desired behavior.

Acknowledge feelings. Many problems arise from children's feelings. Children need to know that feelings are different from behavior. And they need to know that their feelings are accepted (not judged or changed). Often, simply acknowledging their feelings reduces objectional behavior.

Set limits. Providing the clear, reasonable rules kids need is an essential skill for effective parenting. There don't have to be many rules, but they need to be clear and reasonable for the child. Back up rules with consequences and dependable follow-through.

Teach new skills. Some parenting conflicts arise because parents expect children to have skills that the children do not have. You can teach new skills (such as sharing, cleaning a room, or managing anger) by modeling, dividing the task into small pieces, and by asking the child to re-do it right.

The three tools for each point of the star are briefly described in the accompanying table.

Problem-Solving Process

Love & Limits offers a simple problem-solving process. It is easy to remember and easy to use. It is based on the word STAR. Each letter stands for one step in the process:

S — Stop and focus

T — Think of ideas

A — Act effectively

R — Review, revise, reward

Stop and focus on yourself, your child, and the problem. Get an idea of where you are and where you want to go before you do something that may make life more difficult for you and your child.

Think of ideas. Lots of ideas. Different ideas. You can use the star tools (described in the next section) as a place to start.

Act effectively. The most wonderful plan will not work if you don't "do it." Pick your battles. Chose your timing. Get the support you need to carry out the plan.

Review, revise, reward. Few plans work completely the first time. Most successful parents need to tweak their plans several times before the situation is satisfactorily resolved. Reward yourself for effort or success.

Commitment

Tools and a plan will only be successful if you know what you want. Otherwise, the day-to-day frustrations and pressures will tempt you to make decisions that will work against you in the long run. Take time to look at what you want for your child.

CHAPTER 2

Understanding Kids

What's reasonable, what's not.

It is easier to guide children's behavior when your expectations are realistic. Children differ both in development and temperament. Often well-meaning parents confuse normal developmental behavior with defiance or irresponsibility.

Temperament

Researchers found nine personality traits that are relatively constant through time. People can be intense on one trait and low on another. Most people fall between the extremes. Each trait is valuable in some situations and a handicap in others.

Traits that often distress parents are high activity, high intensity, and high persistence. If you have an active, intense, persistent child, your life with him or her will be more challenging than if your child is quiet. However, the same traits that are frustrating in children are wonderful in adults. The challenge is learning how to work with them.

Temperament Traits

Activity level — some kids have high activity and energy levels, while others have low energy and rarely fidget.

Intensity — some children are intense whether they are happy or mad. Others are quiet and reserved most of the time.

Approach/withdrawal — some kids automatically approach new people, food, or situations. Others initially resist most new things.

Adaptability — some children adapt quickly to change regardless of their initial opinion. Other children take weeks or months to adapt.

Sensitivity to physical world — Some children are extremely aware of light, sound, temperature, and texture of clothes and things. Others are oblivious to the physical world.

Mood — some children are born happy and cheerful. Others are often irritable and upset.

Persistence — some children have a long attention span, even for things they have difficulty with. Others have a short attention span.

Regularity — some children have a precise internal clock. They eat, sleep, and toilet at the same time each day. Other children have an irregular clock. They nap hours one day and 15 minutes another.

Distractibility — some children are easily distracted by activities going on around them. Other children are rarely distracted by people, noise, or activity.

CHAPTER 3

Look for Good Behavior

First set of tools

The easiest way to get good behavior is to look for it.

When you find good behavior:

• Pay attention to it.

• Praise it.

• Reward it.

People see what they expect to see. If you expect kids to be bad, you will see more bad behavior than good behavior. And if you expect them to be good, you will see good behavior.

Give Attention

All children need attention.

If they can't get attention by acting good, they will act bad.

Strangely, children do what parents notice. If you notice your children being good, they are more likely to be good. If you notice them acting "bad," they are more likely to misbehave.

Many parents have trouble seeing good behavior. Sometimes that is because there isn't much good behavior to see. More often it is because parents aren't used to looking for it.

Five ways to help you notice more good behavior are:

[check] List ten things you would like your child to do. Spend three minutes each hour looking for those things. Each time your child does something on the list, put a check by the item.

[check] Ask someone to help you look. Work together. See how long a list you can make in ten minutes. Try again an hour later.

[check] Reward yourself when you notice something good. (More about rewards later.)

[check] Ask your child's teacher or daycare provider to tell you three positive traits or behaviors of your child. Look for those behaviors.

[check] Spend five minutes three times each day looking for good behavior. Put a star or check mark on a calendar each time you notice some good behavior.

When you see your kids acting pleasant — give them attention. Let your children know you liked their behavor.

[check] Smile at them.

[check] Sit down beside your child and give him a hug.

[check] Praise them. Say, "Thank you for walking quietly."

The more good behavior you notice, the more good behavior you will get.

Praise

Praise can help or make things worse.

Three guides for helpful praise are: Be specific. Be sincere. Be immediate.

Specific praise tells your child exactly what she did right. Specific praise is simple, not exaggerated. It focuses on the behavior, not the person.

General (or personality) praise doesn't tell your child what you like. For example, if you say "Good girl, Molly," she doesn't know what to do again — close the front door, hang up her coat, sing a song, or walk quietly. Sometimes children guess right, sometimes they don't. "Good girl" can change to "I'm pleased you hung up your coat."

Exaggerated praise can set up unreasonable expectations. Children either believe they are the greatest, or they don't believe the praise at all. "You are the best painter" can become "I like your picture."

Sincere praise feels true. Somehow children know whether people are telling the truth or not.

If you say, "That is a beautiful picture" but really think the picture is awful, children know something is wrong. If you want to say something nice, find a part of the picture you like. For example, "I like the colors you used," "This is an interesting shape," or "You look like you enjoyed drawing."

Immediate praise gives information while children still remember what they did.

Young children need information right away. With babies and toddlers praise should be immediate. If you wait, it probably won't work.

Here are ten examples you can adapt:

Thank you — for helping put away the toys.

Well done! — You put away all the blocks.

I like the way — you touched me gently.

Terrific — you got your coat on by yourself.

Wow — you found a good way to say you're mad.

Wonderful — you remembered to sit on the sofa.

Nice work — setting the table.

I'm glad — you remembered to use your spoon.

Excellent — you really came quickly when I called.

I noticed — you used words to ask for a drink.

Praise effort as well as success. For example, "I like the way you tried to...."

Once you get used to giving specific praise you won't need to use the starter words.

Reward

Rewards help children learn faster.

A reward needs to be something the child wants. The reward needs to be given right away. The reward can be anything. It can be something you give or time you spend together. Different children need different rewards.

Here are twenty ideas. Star the ideas that already work with your child right now. Check which ideas might also work.

[] stars

[] stickers

[] pennies

[] play money

[] a smile

[] crackers

[] toys

[] a hug

[] small cars

[] time with you

[] doll clothes

[] baking cookies

[] reading a story

[] sugarless gum

[] blowing bubbles

[] trip to library

[] an ice cream cone

[] walk around the block

[] making a cereal necklace

[] toys from cereal boxes

[] dinosaur erasers

Give a reward for a specific behavior. Give rewards every time your child does the specific behavior you want. Some people have questions about rewards.

How is a reward different from a bribe?

A reward focuses on good behavior. A bribe focuses on bad behavior. A child gets a reward after he has behaved well or finished a task. A bribe is given ahead of time to stop misbehavior.

Why reward children for what they] should do?

Because it is easier and more fun for everyone. A reward helps a child learn quicker.

Will I have to keep giving rewards forever?

Fortunately, no.

When your child begins to learn the behavior — gradually reduce the rewards.

Avoid Problems

Second set of tools

The easiest way to solve a problem is to avoid it.

You avoid problems by preventing them, not pretending they don't exist. There are three simple things you can do to avoid problems:

• Make expectations clear ahead of time.

• Give children two yeses for each no.

• Change the situation.

Make Expectations Clear

Help your children cooperate by telling them specifically what you want or expect from them.

Often parents think a child is rude or difficult when he or she just doesn't understand what the parent wants. Three steps to make your expectations clear are:

1. Get your child's attention,

2. Tell your child what to do, and

3. Use clear language.

Get your child's attention. Move close to your child. Kneel or sit down so you are on her level. Look her in the eye or touch her gently on the shoulder. When you have her attention, tell her what you expect.

Tell your child what to do — instead of what not to do.

Avoid words like no, stop, and don't. They are difficult for preschool children to understand. If you say "no hitting," your child may think it is okay to pinch, punch, and poke. If you say "touch gently," what you want is much clearer. Some common changes are:

Stop running becomes Walk.

No hitting becomes Touch gently.

Don't touch becomes Look only.

Don't pee on the rug becomes Pee in the potty.

No grabbing becomes Ask for a turn.

Stop yelling becomes Speak softly.

If you have trouble deciding what you want, your child will have much more trouble figuring out what you want.

Use language children understand. Most adults use phrases whose meanings are different from the words in the phrase. For example, "hold on a minute" means "wait a bit," not hold on to my arm or wait 60 seconds.

You can avoid a number of problems if you decide what you want your child to do, use clear language, and be sure you have your child's attention before you speak.

Give Two Yeses for Every No

Tell your child how to succeed, rather than how to fail.

Offer your child two ways to do what he or she wants. For example, if Troy wants to hammer on the window say, "Troy, you can hammer on the floor or on the cobbler's bench, but not on the window."

You can find new choices by changing:

• location

• tool

• activity

• time

For example, Josh wants to drink grape juice on the living room rug. You don't want him to because it would stain the rug if he spilled it. He can —

• drink grape juice in the kitchen,

• make a popsicle of grape juice and yogurt,

• drink water in the living room, or

• drink grape juice in the living room the day before you clean the rug.

Sometimes all the choices are not workable.

Your options may be limited because of safety, time, money, energy, or something else.

For example, Mary wants to throw a hard ball at the window. She can —

• throw the ball outside,

• roll the ball on the floor instead,

• throw a pillow or foam ball at the window, or

• no time choice acceptable. A hard ball cannot be thrown at the window safely at any time.

What do you do when offering choices doesn't work? We will discuss that in the chapter on setting appropriate limits.

Change the Situation

Change the situation to avoid problems.

You can change the situation by changing:

• the environment or setting, or

• your child's schedule and activities.

Changing the environment is often the easiest solution if the problem occurs again and again. You can:

• add,

• remove, or

• change things around at home.

For example, Jesse (16 months) sees a glass bowl of fruit on the table and he wants to play with it. You can (1) get out a toy he likes and distract him, (2) put the glass bowl away until he is older, or (3) put a plastic bowl on the table.

You can change time or activities by planning more time, rescheduling things, or doing them in a different order.

There are two times of day that are difficult for many parents — mornings and evenings. Mornings are hard when parents are hurrying to get ready for work or school. The hour before supper when everyone is tired and hungry is also frustrating.