The Ending before the Beginning

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A little strange, but before I share all the beautiful stories I have written in this book — that are full of the magic and miracles I have experienced since my husband left this physical life, as well as those from the past that I now recognize as gifts — I think it's best to explain how I got here. Makes sense, right? In no way did I just drop into this spiritual path.

I grew up with fears and blocks and a belief system similar to everyone else's, such as "I do not believe in spiritualism. My religious belief teaches (this or that)." Consequently, I never liked the above blah, blah, blah, independent thinker that I am. You know, like if I am divine and one with all that is, why do I need someone in between telling me how to live my life? I have to mention that, for me, it is difficult to surrender and welcome a belief system when there are so many different teachings of these beliefs. Who is right?

I hold no judgment. I say to anyone, "If you have a belief system, regardless of what it is, that brings peace and harmony into your life, then you have found what is right for you."

One thing I did agree with was that dead was dead, and I wanted nothing to do with dead! This heaven and hell stuff was not for me. It had dead written all over it. Maybe it had to do with seeing my grandfather in a casket when I was a little kid. Everyone was crying, and I was just this frozen, terrified little kid wondering what dead was, and my little imagination was running wild with fear. This is one of many examples of how I created my own blocks to, and fears about the oneness with all that is.

Fast-forwarding through childhood into an adulthood filled with dysfunction, I made my share of false assumptions that led to bad choices, knowing in my heart I always did my best with wherever I had thrown myself. My life went through many changes over the years, and Al-Anon became my best friend. The kids were grown now. I was on my own for the first time in many years, and I was free again to pursue my dreams. A little older, a little wiser, and with all that said and done, I felt as happy as a clam, and life was good!

Things continued to move forward with optimism and hope for the future. The Al-Anon path was and is an amazing, nonjudgmental, spiritual environment that has benefited all facets of my life. Thirty-seven years later, I still start each day with Al-Anon. I found something that worked for me, and I stuck with it, not knowing this just might be the door that opened the way for something much greater.

Think before you say the word never. I did not, and years later, all my girlfriends remind me of that statement as they laugh. The never was "I will never marry again!" Well, well, wouldn't you know it? I met the man of my dreams. Two years later, we were married on a cruise ship while surrounded by family and friends. Soon we were living a life normally told in fairy tales.

Several months later, my husband, Phil, received the grim diagnosis that he had stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma of the parotid gland. Phil endured countless surgeries, chemo, and radiation. He died peacefully at home four years later. My life was shattered beyond anything I have ever known. As I held him in my arms, his body still warm, what scared me as a child did not seem so scary anymore. Why? Why? Why?

Paranormal things started to happen as Phil was slowly shutting down, and they continued almost immediately following his death. Things I could not explain and things that were hard to share with family and friends. I picked up every book on death and grief I could get my hands on. Nowhere in these well-meaning mainstream books was there discussion of what I was experiencing. I guess if you do not talk about it, it does not happen. I found myself taken in directions I had never dreamed possible. Things started to change in a big way when I had a reading from an amazing medium named Roxie. Accident, coincidence, or divine intervention — whatever — it sure was not something I had planned on that day. Nevertheless, it left me feeling loved and hugged for days, from a place I would have never chosen to explore.

This was a turning point for me into the metaphysical. I needed answers to all my whys and proof of what I was experiencing. I buried my head in science and quantum physics. I needed proof! It seemed that doors blew open, and I entered.

This journey took me places I never dreamed I would go. As I traveled this path into the unknown, I could feel the beat of my heart again and a warmth from a light that was shining within me. I found myself at peace, and serenity wrapped me in her arms. Angels tapped at my heart and took me on a journey I never dreamed possible. Fears seemed to disappear as they continued to tap at my heart, guiding me on this journey to where I am now, sharing it with you.

Mainstream beliefs had me convinced there was nothing else, and they were hard to let go of. I prayed for strength and courage to take me beyond my own fear and what I had come to believe as I walked into the unknown, searching for answers. Eternal love welcomed me, and that eternal love is what helped me to heal a heart so broken.

It has been five years now since Phil left this physical life. I try to share this healing and this love wherever I go. It seems that no matter where I go or what I am doing, I encounter a kindred heart who will share a beautiful story about a connection to a loved one after his or her death. Usually it's a story people have never shared with anyone, or very few. How sad it is that we witness these miracles in silence!

When you have a loss in your life and you experience something called a dream visitation, you smell a scent that represents a loved one, you feel a loved one's presence, you hear your loved one call your name, or you feel him or her lie next to you. Know that all of this is normal. It is okay. Otherwise, millions of people would not be experiencing this miracle and this magic connection to something greater than themselves.

I hope you enjoy the stories I share in this book. My journey will continue — of that I am sure. I am not quite sure where it will take me next. I guess we will all have to stay tuned for that.

My wish is to touch a heart that has felt the pain and grief of a loved one who was lost and somehow help that heart find peace through the love and eternal life that I believe exist. Today, this is where my heart calls me.

The other night before drifting off to sleep, I found myself thinking of Phil. I asked him if he still thought of me. Seems like such a long time since Phil held me in his arms. As the words flowed into the darkness, I could feel chills running through my entire body, and I knew without question that he lay beside me.

Yes, he still thinks of me.

Life doesn't end. It just changes.

Dream Visitation

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I would like to start with a story of not so long ago. Time had no meaning; my life just stopped. Physically and mentally, there seemed to be nothing left of me. I was existing in some kind of time warp with no way out.

Like so many other beautiful souls, I came from a dysfunctional background, and because of that dysfunction, I made more than my fair share of bad choices. It was well into my adult life when I found help through an organization called Al-Anon. It seems from that point on, life as I knew it got better.

Like a streak of good luck — or what felt like magic some years later — I met and fell in love with the love of my life. Never had I known such unconditional love.

Several months after a lovely wedding on that cruise ship with family and friends, a story I have told so many times before, life just happened.

A day or two after my husband left this physical life, I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. In a daze, I found myself in the cookie aisle. Without thinking, I reached over and threw a package of my husband's favorite cookies into the basket. The minute those cookies hit the basket, I lost it and had a total meltdown. There I was standing in the aisle, having this meltdown, when out of nowhere this beautiful woman handed me a tissue. She put her arms around me and said, "It's okay, honey. Things will get better. I had the same experience after losing my husband." She held me in her arms until my tears stopped falling.

At the time, I did not wonder how she knew or where she came from. I just remember thanking her, and we both went our separate ways. We never crossed paths again.

Back then, if I had not been in so much pain, I might have thought, That was really odd. I did not think anything. I was just grateful. Maybe that is why when I was experiencing my husband's presence, I embraced what I was experiencing rather than closing my mind. It was all I had. The more I embraced what was happening, the more experiences I had. I felt something tapping at my heart, something almost guiding me. If ever I needed help, it was now.

Where does one begin to pick up the pieces of your heart after losing someone you loved more than life itself? Almost immediately, I started picking up and reading everything I could get my hands on about grief, loss, and pain. Although these books were wonderful and did leave me with something inspiring, they were not what I needed. At the time, I did not know what I needed. Nowhere in these mainstream books did they say, "Oh, by the way, a dream visitation is completely normal after you lose someone you love."

Having a what? If any of those books had said something about the topic of dream visitations, would I have said, "Okay, so I'm not losing my mind," and tried to learn more about dream visitations? That topic never came up; nor did any of the other experiences I was having. I found myself left with a lot of questions on top of a lot of whys. My husband had left the physical world, but his spirit was still here. That I knew.

The biggest trigger on my spiritual journey was on a day shortly after my husband passed — the day I attended a holistic healing fair with my mom. That was where I met Roxie. This was not by intention. Prior to that day, I was not familiar with people that called themselves mediums — other than, "Oh my God, these people talk to the dead. Oh my goodness ... the things we do for our mothers!"

So here I am today continuing on my spiritual path and hoping to touch a few hearts along the way. I know in my heart angels have guided me here. In this book, I have written stories about things I experienced along the way and a few stories from long ago. That old saying comes to mind: if only I knew then what I know now.

I am so grateful for all the spiritual guidance I have received along the way, including the signs I chose not to see back then that I see now. I embrace a divine love I have found within me and the divine love that comes through me from this place of eternity where angels dwell, a realm I call my sacred place.

My husband, bless his heart, always managed to be on time, to my amazement, but he was not on my time schedule. Whenever we were going somewhere, I would be ready to go, always waiting for him. He would always run for the door, making sure he was first. He would look back at me with that beautiful smile and say, "I'm just waiting for you!" It always made me laugh — the little bugger — never knowing that in the future, it would be the connection to what I experienced.

I had a dream that I thought was more than a dream. I did not know what I had experienced the night it happened; I just knew it was the most amazing dream and gift I had ever been given. The experience was surreal. The imprint that it left in my heart and soul is as clear today as it was when it happened. It took a leap from mainstream beliefs and fears into the spiritual world of the metaphysical to realize the miracle of this precious gift.

My husband left me with a special message that night: "I'm just waiting for you!"

My Dream Visitation

Thank you for the beautiful dream and sharing this beautiful boat you have built for us. It felt so warm and loving to be standing with you on the deck of this boat. As you wrapped your arms around me, I held onto the rail. I could feel your cheek next to mine and the warmth of your breath. The moon was full and hung low on the water, its glow shining across the water, reaching the water before us. It was beyond beautiful, and I felt a peacefulness I had never known. This boat was gorgeous, with this teakwood and oak that held it together. A boat you have built to perfection that still holds the lingering scent of teak oil that still fills the air. As I looked up, the sails were unbelievable. They were made of silk and satin. We were just there, just the two of us — a moment in time that felt like eternity. I woke up feeling so loved by you, and I could still feel the warmth of your body next to mine. I am in awe of you and this magnificent boat you shared with me. I sure do love you too ...

Time to Say Good-Bye

Old Friend

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A couple of years had passed since my husband left the physical world. I had spent a lot of time out at the boat trying to make that dream now work for me. It was not the same without Phil. Too many memories filled my heart with emptiness.

It seemed as if out of nowhere I started seeing this beautiful boat in my dreams and in my morning meditations. It did not make a lot of sense to me. I was not in the market for a new boat. Not to mention I was not ready to let go of the PhilLindy and move on.

The dreams and meditations were persistent. I have yet to understand fully how this universe finds a way to move us forward and open doorways that we ourselves would not have dreamed of. Then one day, there she was looking at me, that beautiful boat that had been haunting me. I knew without question the moment I stepped onto that boat that I would be the new owner. So now I had two boats, one full of old memories, and one full of new memories waiting for me.

It was not an easy transition for me. I am sure anyone who has lost a loved one knows how hard it is to let go of possessions so loved. The end of summer was near, and leaves were beginning to fall, and I was somewhere between the past and the present.

The PhilLindy had been for sale for a while. I had not sold her yet, and we were moving into fall. I was growing weary. I was getting a lot of inquiries but no bites.

One night after a class that I had been taking, the instructor asked me if I had sold my boat yet. I told her no and that I was getting a little worried. She asked me if I believed in science and that all matter is energy, and energy never dies.

She then went on to tell me Phil's energy and my energy had become part of the PhilLindy. The PhilLindy missed Phil, and the PhilLindy did not want to lose me too. Subconsciously I did not want to lose her either.

She suggested I go out to the boat and have a talk with her — let her know Phil was not coming back and that it was too hard for me to be with her without Phil. It was time for her and me to move on. She said once I did that, she wanted me to draw a heart on the back of the For Sale sign, one heart for Phil, and one heart for me. She said that would draw a loving buyer for the boat.

That hit me hard. I was holding on and did not even know it. It took a few days to find the courage, but I finally went out to the boat and had a long talk with our PhilLindy. Never have I cried so many tears. It was like that last piece of Phil I had to let go of. Before I left the boat, I drew hearts on the back of the For Sale sign — one for Phil, one for me, and a little one for Patsy, our little boat buddy. Four days later, the boat sold to the most amazing couple ever!

The day Gene launched the boat for the new owners, I just happened to be there. Gene asked me if I wanted to take that ride down the river on the PhilLindy that Phil had always promised to take me on. Without any hesitation, I told him absolutely. This was a dream come true. Gene launched the PhilLindy, and I got the ride I would have not missed for the world. What an amazing day it was and what a happy ending!

Now I could focus on my new boat, the Harbor Light, that seemed to come my way through nothing less than magic and a miracle. Phil and the universe were nudging me forward. Some things are harder than others are, and a good-bye to an old friend, the PhilLindy, was something I will carry in my heart for a very long time.

The only way is forward. I have no idea what awaits me. When time seems to stand still and my heart is heavy, there is something greater that seems to guide and light my way.