CHAPTER 1
MY BRAIN INJURY
Following the program outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous has enabled me to experience a remarkable recovery, mentally and spiritually. This book will describe my progression from an almost hopeless condition to my current position as a business owner, pilot, and author. I offer my story as an example of what someone can accomplish through using the tools of a Twelve Step program, including practicing Step 11 consistently.
On July 5, 1984, my fiancé was driving us into town when we were in an automobile accident with a drunk driver in a pickup truck. The truck hit us head-on and then drove over the top of our car, compressing the roof. From measuring the distance between our wrecked car and where the truck came to rest, the police determined that the combined impact was approximately 110 mph.
I was taken to the nearest hospital and diagnosed with having sustained a severe concussion and a brain contusion (bruising of the brain), along with other physical damage. I was admitted with a 10 percent chance of living.
I was in a coma for several days. When the doctors could communicate with me, they told me my brain injury was so severe that I would never again be employable and that I would need social security disability payments to help support me for the remainder of my life.
They also told me that I had multiple breaks of my left arm, and my pelvis had separated in the accident. I had been unable to move my left hand or any part of my right leg or right foot since arriving at the hospital. After explaining to me how bad my condition was, the doctor ended by telling me, "Oh, and your fiancé died in the accident."
Because my brain had been so badly damaged, I had no memories of my life prior to the accident. (This is referred to as "long-term memory"). The people who visited me in the hospital included my employer and some of my dance students. I learned from them that I had worked as a custom jeweler in a jewelry store at a local mall. I had also taught weekly dance classes and performed frequently in local events with a troupe of my advanced students. It got very depressing to hear about the beautiful life I was no longer going to be able to live.
Weeks later, I was released from the hospital with home nursing service and only a 50 percent chance of living. They sent me home because the medical staff had done everything they could for me, there was no further treatment available for me, and they needed the bed space.
My parents were told that the staff had never, in the history of the hospital, seen anyone survive after being hurt as badly as I had been. They weren't sure why I didn't die or how long I would be able to stay alive, and they had no recovery program available to help me regain the mental abilities I would need to take care of myself.
I was told I would need nursing care at least for the foreseeable future and possibly for the rest of my life, but with time and recovery, it was possible that I might become "capable of self-care."
The doctors arranged for me to have physical therapy, in hopes that I could regain at least partial use of my disabled body parts. I complained that I would need both of my hands to make jewelry and both of my legs to dance, so I could start earning a living again. The doctors explained that they were quite certain I would never be able to remember how to make jewelry or dance again, so it didn't really matter if I could use my left hand or right leg. They encouraged me to think of sitting on the couch and watching TV while collecting social security disability payments as a "paid vacation."
For several weeks, my nurse chauffeured me to an average of seven doctor appointments a week. She helped me perform my physical therapy exercises and tried to teach me how to take care of myself and my apartment.
Unfortunately, my ability to retain memories (short-term memory) had also been severely damaged. I continually forgot what the nurse taught me. On a daily basis, my nurse had to teach me how to brush my teeth, etc., as if it was a brand-new lesson each time.
I experienced constant frustration with trying to do things for myself and wanting to return to my previous lifestyle. Because I kept insisting I could learn to live independently, I was sent to a psychiatrist. It states in my medical file, "The patient is deluding herself ... which is detrimental to her eventual, possible recovery."
My pain medications were not effectively blocking the pain I was experiencing as a result of my injuries. I was worn out from dealing with physical pain, the heartache of losing my fiancé, and trying to cope with the results of my brain injury. I began to have an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, and I found myself wanting to drink.
I had never been told that both of my parents were adult children of alcoholics who had decided that they did not want to become like their parents and never drank alcohol problematically. They were ashamed there was alcoholism in their families, so they had hidden that fact from me while I was growing up.
I realize now that I was craving alcohol after the accident, but at that time, I had no knowledge about the disease of alcoholism or its symptoms (and I had no memories regarding my own drinking pattern prior to the accident). I found ways to sneak away from my nurse and get alcohol from different neighbors in my apartment complex.
When someone's brain gets bruised from impacting the inside of the skull, it swells. The swollen brain pressing against the inside of the skull causes further mental problems, adding to the original damage. It takes between two and three years for the swelling to completely subside. Medical literature states that your brain is "incapable of tolerating alcohol" while you are recovering from a brain injury.
Things got very ugly very fast!
After a short time, the nursing service refused to continue caring for me. I was moved into my parents' home in Washington because I was incapable of living alone, and there wasn't any service or organization that was willing to assume responsibility for my care.
During the first few months after my accident, my parents took me to eight different doctors, hoping to find a possible path of recovery. However, all of their findings confirmed the original gloomy prognosis.
As a last resort, my parents contacted the State of Washington Head Injury Foundation to have me examined by their lead neuropsychologist. After eight hours of testing, his conclusion confirmed that I would never be employable, that it was unlikely that I would ever be capable of self-care, and that I would need my disability payments to continue for the rest of my life.
My parents were given one piece of good news. They were told that as the swelling of my brain went down, it might become possible for some of my mental abilities and memories to return.
After several months, I did get to the point where periodically a memory of my dead fiancé would come back. I wasn't trying to remember the time I spent with David; these memories would just randomly pop into my mind. The sadness I experienced while dealing with these "new" memories also made me want to drink alcohol to numb the emotional pain.
My parents knew I wasn't supposed to drink alcohol, but I kept saying, "If you hurt as badly as I do, you'd want a drink too!" I began sneaking away to get alcohol again. At one point, I drank myself back into a coma and was nonresponsive for three days.
Being able to live a life of value was looking like a hopeless dream. None of the doctors believed I would ever be anything other than a burden to my family and someone who needed to be taken care of for the remainder of her life. It was easy to consider giving up and losing my entire life in a bottle.
CHAPTER 2
MY MENTAL AND PHYSICAL RECOVERY
Luckily, I found my way into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and was introduced to a Twelve Step program of recovery. God started doing for me what no human power could.
When my parents contacted the State of Washington Head Injury Foundation, we were given exercises I could do to help develop my memory. I started doing the memory exercises many times every day, along with my physical-therapy exercises. I just continued doing the next indicated step on a daily basis, walking in faith. Over time, I managed to recover almost completely from my brain injury.
The Head Injury Foundation suggests that where there is loss of memory related to skills required for source of income, the victim of a brain injury should be exposed to the equipment used in his or her job-related activities to help stimulate memory recall.
I read books on making jewelry and looked through many jewelry-tool catalogs, noting which tools were listed in the stone-setting section, etc. I bought jeweler's tools, and I spent a lot of time just holding them in my hands, trying to remember what I used to do with them. After some of my memories returned, we built a jeweler's workbench in the garage, where I spent time attempting to do simple jewelry projects. That helped trigger more memories.
After I regained my jewelry skills, I carved two custom waxes of the Greek letter psi, for psychologist. Then I used the lost wax casting method of jewelry manufacture to make two tie tacks for the head-injury expert who had examined me — who had concluded I would never again be employable.
I mailed the tie tacks to him, along with a note requesting that he consider holding out at least some hope for the patients he examines in the future. I explained that if I had believed his prognosis, it would have been impossible for me to create the jewelry he was being given.
That doctor was amazed at my accomplishment and wrote me back. We communicated for several months. He started referring to me as a "miracle patient" and telling my story to the families of patients who had a negative prognosis, to give them hope in what appears to be a hopeless situation.
That is a very generous answer to the prayer I cried out so often during my recovery — wanting my life to be of some value somewhere, somehow, to someone. I had only been hoping to possibly hold down some kind of part-time job, but now my story is being used to give hope to victims of head injuries and their families!
I used the same process of exposing myself to things I had previously done, to bring back memories of how to drive, to use a keyboard for typing, etc. Over time, I did regain the majority of my long-term memories, and I improved my ability to retain short-term memories.
As strange as this sounds, I am grateful for that accident. During my recovery, I learned some extremely valuable lessons, including that God answers prayers much more generously than we can imagine if we let Him. Today I'm working on not limiting what God wants to do with my life.
CHAPTER 3
MY SPIRITUAL RECOVERY
By 2010, my life was pretty good. I was grateful for how much my mental abilities had improved, for my physical rehabilitation, and for my Twelve Step recovery. However, I struggled with ongoing random memory loss and problems with orientation. Living on life's terms was a constant source of frustration. I dealt with a lot of anger and resentment about having to handle the daily problems that occur as a result of mental limitations.
Another result of having incurred a brain injury is a limited ability to control or moderate emotions. Negative emotions would frequently overwhelm me. I couldn't subdue my emotions with logic, by telling myself that continuing with a train of thought was pointless, etc. I had no way to prevent the emotion I was experiencing from enlarging. When that happened, I couldn't focus on what I was doing, which would make more problems occur (not registering where I parked my car, not remembering to put my debit card back in my purse before I left a store, etc.).
I didn't have many friends, because I wasn't comfortable to be around. Many people have told me that I used to scare them. In fact, I earned the nickname "Crazy Cathy" due to my lack of emotional control and my frequent episodes of spontaneous, inappropriate behavior.
At fourteen years sober, I had worked all of the steps of my Twelve Step program with three different sponsors, including multiple fourth steps on my persistent "justifiable resentments," but emotional sobriety was evading me.
Then I attended my first prayer and meditation workshop, and I was given the tools I needed to create a strong connection with God. This spiritual experience has remarkably improved my level of acceptance, and my life. The negative effects of my brain injury have decreased significantly since I have been consistently practicing prayer and meditation. I believe a big part of that is because practicing Step 11 is helping me have more emotional balance.
Emotional balance is one of the results of meditation, as stated in our Twelve Step literature.
And let's always remember that meditation is in reality intensely practical. One of its first fruits is emotional balance. With it we can broaden and deepen the channel between ourselves and God as we understand Him.
Because I am experiencing more emotional balance now, I rarely allow myself to become overwhelmed by frustration due to my memory problems. When I'm not distracted by strong emotions, I can actually focus on what it is that I am doing. Being more fully present makes me more effective — and because my brain registers what I am doing more fully, I remember more.
My ability to retain memories continues to improve, as well as my ability to navigate. I now register where I park my car and how to get to and from different places much more often than what was previously possible. The many improvements I am experiencing are making my life much easier and much better.
Because I am more comfortable with myself, and I am enjoying my life so much more, people enjoy having me in their lives more. Today, I try to always be a source of positive energy and good emotions. I am much more successful at achieving that goal, because I am consistently practicing prayer and meditation.
When I start my day feeling connected to God and my fellows, I am much less likely to let selfishness and self-centeredness create problems in my life and drama in my relationships. I've changed from being very focused on myself, my life, and my problems to really caring about and feeling connected to others.
I am more able to help others when I'm following God's directions. When I see myself being of value to others, it improves my self-esteem. All of that is God's will for me.
Practicing Step 11 has also changed how successful I am at my job, especially when I have to interact with clients and personnel. I believe that I make better choices today regarding how I choose to communicate, how I choose to show up in each situation, and how I approach problems. As a result, my work relationships have all benefitted from my prayer and meditation practice.
Because my brain was so badly damaged during the accident, all of the doctors involved with my case agreed that there was no hope for me to recover. Today, I am using the tools of my Twelve Step program, including practicing Step 11 consistently, to create a life that is full, rich, rewarding, and enjoyable. I live a blessed life today, but I do the daily work to help create it and to maintain it.
Finding time to pray and meditate each day, no matter what, is turning my life into a beautiful adventure filled with love, hope, and purpose. I have regained everything that I lost, and I have added much more to my life, through prayer and meditation. I have recovered physically, mentally, and spiritually from seemingly hopeless conditions. I am living the promises!
I am not only employed now, which the doctors thought was impossible, but my husband and I run a corporation that has grown an average of 41 percent per year over the past ten years. We provide work to more than twenty subcontractors. I am in charge of hiring, managing, and running the quality control program and payroll for all of our subcontractors, as well as invoicing all of our clients.
