Managing My Anger
Weekly Meditations & Journal Exercises for GrowthBy Mary J. ClarkiUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2009 Mary J. Clark, M.A., L.P.C.
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4401-6719-5Contents
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS..............................................................IXINTRODUCTION.................................................................XIHOW TO USE THIS BOOK.........................................................XIIIChoices......................................................................1Time-Outs....................................................................3Acceptance...................................................................5Protective Anger.............................................................7Symptoms Of An Anger Problem.................................................9Irritation...................................................................11Anger And Abuse..............................................................13Assumption...................................................................15Catastrophizing..............................................................17Blame........................................................................19Blaming Yourself.............................................................21Entitlement..................................................................23Filtering....................................................................25Control......................................................................27Attitude.....................................................................28Controlling..................................................................30Polarized Thinking...........................................................31Creating Resentments.........................................................33Resentments..................................................................35Grudges......................................................................37Guilt........................................................................39Fear.........................................................................41Emotional Blackmail..........................................................43Rage.........................................................................45Insanity.....................................................................47Triggers.....................................................................49Staying In The Moment........................................................51My Past......................................................................53Boundaries...................................................................55Balance......................................................................57More On Resentments..........................................................59H.A.L.T. To Change...........................................................60Anger-A Choice...............................................................62Chaos Vs Quiet..............................................................64Live And Let Live: Part One..................................................65Fatigue......................................................................67Humility.....................................................................69Healing Violence.............................................................71Change.......................................................................73Humor........................................................................75Empathy......................................................................77Resolving Resentment.........................................................79Keep It Simple...............................................................81Live And Let Live: Part Two..................................................82Healing My Past..............................................................84Passivity....................................................................86Gratitude....................................................................88Exhaustion...................................................................90Healing......................................................................92Peace Of Mind................................................................94Continuing To Continue.......................................................96A FINAL NOTE.................................................................99APPENDIX A: How To Do a Time-out.............................................101APPENDIX B: Relaxation Exercises.............................................103APPENDIX C: Other Exercises That Help........................................105APPENDIX D: Venting Exercises for Dangerous Anger Energy.....................107APPENDIX E: The Learning Letter..............................................109BIBLIOGRAPHY.................................................................111RESOURCES....................................................................113
Chapter One
CHOICES
Life does not give itself to one who tries to keep all its advantages at once. I have often thought morality may perhaps consist solely in the courage of making a choice. -Leon Blum
Some of us end up in a therapy office because we are court-ordered or family-mandated. That, alone, enrages us. We feel powerless. Whatever got us here was about control-either we tried to gain control, or someone took control of us. Either way, now a judge or a family member has total control of us (or so we feel). We feel our choices have been taken away. Or have they? Regardless of why you were sent to therapy-whether fair or unfair, whether you feel you have anger issues or not-you have choices.
You can resist going to therapy. No one can force you to go. This choice will result in going to jail. Even then, some courts will send you to therapy again. If a family member asked you to go, you may risk losing that relationship.
You can go to therapy and cop an attitude. You'll spend a lot of money and not gain anything. Possibly, you will be discharged due to being resistant to therapy. If court-ordered, you will probably receive a consequence for probation violation, and be sent to therapy again somewhere else. Family members may sever ties, or file a restraining order to protect themselves.
You can use therapy as a tool for change. In any violent altercation, you are either part of the problem or part of the solution. Therapy can teach you to avoid altercations in the future.
Oh, and you can leave the country ... but the therapy would probably be cheaper!
Meditation
I have choices today. Today I can choose to make full use of all learning opportunities, no matter what got me there in the first place.
Journal Suggestion: Start your journal entry each night this week with: "I am not perfect. One area I could use help changing would be _________________." Share your list of areas with your therapist or group. Share whether or not you think you could use your therapy to change these areas. If not, why?
Chapter Two
TIMEOUTS
Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity. -Hippocrates
It is a fearful thing to fight with someone you love. It takes a lot of energy to back down, right or not, and say, "We need to stop. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to get hurt. Let's take some time apart." It takes courage for both parties to immediately stop and agree it's too heated, decide when to come back, and part for a while amicably.
So why don't we do this more? False pride. False pride is the kind of pride that tells me I am entitled to be right, to be heard, and to be agreed with. It is the kind of pride that says I have a right to always be on top. It is the self-centered belief that what is going on at a given moment is all about me. The other party has no figuring in my false pride. In fact, how they feel at that given moment is not important to me. What is important to me is that I AM RIGHT!! So, in a fight, I have two courses with my false pride: to force you to agree with me, or to remain silent toward you with the cold shoulder and periods of acting out my anger with you as the victim. These are both abusive behaviors. The first is aggressive, the second passive. Both are sick, dysfunctional ways to communicate, and neither leaves room for me to be humble or self-assured of what is right for me without comment or defense. Both leave no room for my loved one-or me-to be treated with respect and caring.
Meditation
Pride goeth before the fall ... I prefer standing up. Perhaps I can concede I am not perfect today. Perhaps I can accept that I do not have to be believed by others as right to know I am all right without a fight.
Journal Suggestion: This week, talk with your significant others (and children) about the above verbal message to use when a fight is brewing. Commit to using this as well as responding respectfully if another uses it. If you use this time-out method, set a half hour to go cool off, and agree to reunite (instills trust, dispels abandonment), even if it is to agree to take another half hour. Document in your journal about your initial talk, as well as times during the week you and yours use this method. Detail how it worked as well as what you feel didn't work. Share with your group or therapist, and ask for feedback.
Chapter Three
ACCEPTANCE
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. -Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict, The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
The first step to dealing with my anger is to accept it. Anger is a natural emotion. It is what I do with it that can lead to trouble. Once I accept my own anger, then I will begin to understand how to accept it in others.
Before recovery, another person's anger spiked my own. Within moments, I was saying and doing things that were out of line, rude, and hurtful. When I defended my behavior to a therapist-blaming the other person whose behavior was, I felt, equally inappropriate-she confronted me. She told me that I was responsible for my own behavior regardless of what someone else was saying or doing. I began to look at what was underneath my anger: usually fear, shame, hurt, or guilt. If this made sense to me, I could begin to understand that those same feelings were beneath another's anger as well.
This doesn't mean that when someone is angry around me, the old behavior doesn't want to come forward. What it means is that today, I control it and make a choice to stay calm. I try to stay focused on a solution, even if the solution is to listen to the other person's anger and hurt. I may need to take a time-out later on to cool off the old messages, but over time, this time- out takes less and less time as I realize I like myself so much better when I stay in control of my behavior and emotions. Then I talk it out with another person who is supportive of my not stepping into rage and harmful behavior. Then, I can calmly go back to the angry person and ask to quietly discuss what is bothering him. Even if he chooses not to discuss it, I can feel good about myself and the end result. Often I will discover, after the fact, that the other person's anger had nothing to do with me; I just happened to be the sounding board of the moment.
Meditation
This week, I will remember that all anger I encounter in others is not always about me. I will know I can step back from it and stay in control of my emotions.
Journal Suggestion: This week, I will place a note on my bathroom mirror that says: "Remember today, [your name], it's not all about you!" Notice when you mentally remind yourself of this in a tense situation, and allow yourself to step back and just listen. Does it change your response? Your attitude toward the other person? Toward yourself? Share with a group or your therapist.
Chapter Four
PROTECTIVE ANGER
The angry people are those people who are most afraid. -Dr. Robert Anthony
If I were to be completely honest in looking back on the times my anger exploded, I would know that, underneath the anger and rage, I felt fear, hurt, or guilt.
I realize today, after a lot of treatment for my temper, that every time I got angry or exploded, other core feelings were being protected. I had learned as a child that exploding usually made others step back quickly (to protect themselves). Given their distance, they would not be able to hear or see the vulnerable feelings I held close, and therefore, lost any opportunity to understand how I felt.
Many of us came from a background of abuse. We often were the brunt of someone's rage. It petrified us. We learned quickly to step back, run, hide. But in turn, we also learned what made others step back, run, and hide from us. We began to use this behavior as a defense, a way to protect our vulnerability. Some of us became bullies of smaller or weaker children at school or around our neighborhood. Some of us grew up and became controlling managers, spouses, or parents of small children. We unknowingly used this behavior to stay in power, to not feel powerless and vulnerable. We also unknowingly hurt our loved ones, were verbally abusive to co-workers, and perhaps, began losing jobs because we had "a bad temper" that was not conducive to the workplace.
My first step into recovery from inappropriate anger and rage is to begin to acknowledge my fear, hurt, and guilt-only in a safe place. A therapist's office is a good start. Support groups or ministers can be helpful. My safe place needs to be accepting and non-judgmental. What is most important is that I take that first step.
Meditation
Today I will take that first step into recovery, and into learning how to express my true, vulnerable feelings in a safe environment. I will make this choice because I don't ever want to be the reason another person feels the way I felt as a child in the face of an adult's rage.
Journal Suggestion: You are here in this recovery moment for a reason. What is it? Journal about what prompted you to seek help. Even if you were forced to do so, be honest with what got you here. What hurts? What causes you to feel guilt and shame? What makes you afraid? Share with your therapist.
Chapter Five
SYMPTOMS OF AN ANGER PROBLEM
Our emotional symptoms are precious sources of life and individuality. -Thomas More
There can be several indicators that I have an anger problem. It is just up to me to allow myself to be aware of my own signals. Exploring these symptoms will enable me to learn how to more control my anger.
There are physical cues that I have an anger problem. Perhaps I suffer from fatigue, or my appetite is either nonexistent or in excess. Do I wake up in the morning with a sore jaw or headache from clenching or grinding my teeth in my sleep? Do I clench my fists a lot? Do I have high blood pressure? Am I plagued with more illnesses than others? Does my doctor question my stress level? Do I have difficulty sleeping, getting to sleep, staying asleep, and sleeping restfully? Do I have troubled dreams or nightmares?
Emotional cues are also important. Do I notice myself losing my temper over small things? Do I find myself irritable to the point of cussing while in traffic? Does my heartbeat speed up several times a day? Do I find myself feeling slighted, hurt, frustrated, depressed, apathetic, and even paranoid that others are out to wreck my day? Do I find it more and more difficult to feel centered and peaceful? If I look at the past month, does depression rule my emotions more than any other feeling?
Finally, my thoughts can be telltale signs my anger is out of control. Are my thoughts about getting even, criticizing others, or judging the behavior of others? Do I find myself cussing others out in my mind, even if I'm smiling on the outside? Does my mind race constantly with thoughts about things that stress me, about how I can control or change events or other people-to the point it interferes with my concentration or my sleep?
If I am willing to look at my physical, emotional, and mental cues, I can clearly assess if I am struggling with anger management. With awareness of these cues, I have the foundation to begin getting help so I can change. I also will be able to take a step back without escalating the problem (take a time- out), so that I don't hurt or get hurt. I will also find that being honest about these signals is the first step to controlling my temper before it controls me.
Meditation
This week, I will honestly list physical, emotional, and mental cues that indicate where my temper is. If I struggle with listing these, I will ask trusted friends their opinion. If I need help with changing some of these signals from negative to positive, I'll get it immediately.
Journal Suggestion: Make three columns on a sheet of paper. The headings are "Physical," "Emotional," and "Mental." List the symptoms you recognize when you are inappropriately angry in each column. Share with your group/therapist.
Chapter Six
IRRITATION
The one who cannot restrain their anger will wish undone, what their temper and irritation prompted them to do. -Horace
Irritation is one of my red flags. When I am irritated, I need to look at what behavior in someone else is a part of me. People tend to act as mirrors for my behavior. People who overspend and hurt other people will irritate me, or rather, their behavior will irritate me. As I focus on myself from the past, I can visualize the people from whom I borrowed money and never repaid, or bills I rang up that I simply ignored paying. Instead of resenting the other people's behavior, I will now see the need to make financial amends to quell my own sense of unfinished business, thus thanking silently whoever it was who reminded me of my own character defect.
I heard a quote somewhere that goes something like this: "There is something about him that bothers me about me." If I am having trouble accepting the behavior of another person, it will probably be because I have yet to accept a similar behavior in myself. And more importantly, I will feel irritation because I have not taken responsibility for changing an inappropriate behavior within me that I know, deep down, hurts me and others.
While this may not be the only cause for irritation (others are being hungry, angry, lonely, and tired-H.A.L.T.), it is one I need to be aware of. I cannot afford minor irritations to build up into huge, abusive explosions toward those I love.
Meditation
Today, I will be aware of irritation in my mood, note when it occurs, note what other person's behavior is my focus, and change the focus to my part of the behavior that may need changing in me.
Journal Suggestion: This week, I will journal a list of people whose behavior bothers me. Next to their names in a second column, I'll list the behavior I find irritating. In a third column, I will cite what behavior of mine this mirrors. In the fourth column, I'll place a check mark if I have already changed, or an X if I need to change in this area. I will share my findings in group or with my therapist.
CH7[ ANGER AND ABUSE
The evils of the body are, murder, theft, and adultery; of the tongue, lying, slander, abuse, and idle talk; of the mind, covetousness, hatred, and error. -Buddha
Anger can fester inside until it becomes rage. Rage held becomes an explosion-an explosion that will not only harm you, but others around you. Robert Robertson (author of Confessions of an Abusive Husband) said it was like being "an equal opportunity abuser." No one around a rage-aholic is spared abuse.
For a few seconds, I will feel powerful exploding my anger on a loved one or friend. But in the aftermath, I will be overwhelmed by shame and guilt. I will feel an intense grief over what I have done, an action I will never be able to erase, take back, or make better.
What are the lasting effects of my rage attacks on me? Physical stress will damage my heart. My body will begin to crave the adrenalin, and my attacks will increase not only in number, but in intensity. Like all drugs, my need for it, and more of it, will increase. I will begin to lose emotional control in every environment, causing me to jeopardize or lose jobs, circumvent promotions, lose my family, lose the respect of my spouse and children, and eventually experience legal problems. With all of these, finances will be affected to the detriment. I may also take my rage to the road, again risking harm to others and legal complications. My behavior will then be exposed in court, and probably in an anger management group.
(Continues...) ]CH7
Excerpted from Managing My Angerby Mary J. Clark Copyright © 2009 by Mary J. Clark, M.A., L.P.C.. Excerpted by permission.
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