CHAPTER 1

INNER WORK IS GOD'S WORK:TRANSFORMED FROM WITHIN

Start close in,
Don't take the second step
Or the third,
Start with the first
Thing
Close in,
The step you don't want to take.

—David Whyte

Dr. Charles Brewer was one of those professors that students loved and feared. Ifelt both privileged and punished taking his Experimental Psychology class whileattending Furman University from 1974–1978. His tests were known to stump eventhe brightest students, and his lectures were animated but dense. Students werealternately laughing at his antics or panicking about the material beingpresented.

I showed up one day with a particularly malnourished imagination, having been upmost of the night working on an experiment that involved rats and conditioning.I have no idea what question I asked, but after Dr. Brewer answered it, hewalked over to my desk, stood within inches of me, stared down his verystraight, thin nose, looked through me with his intense eyes, and delivered hisfamous saying, "Everything is related to everything else, dammit Ms. Sander, anddon't you ever forget it."

Somehow this statement began to worm its way into my heart and mind. As myjourney with spirituality and psychology continued, I came to believe thatspirituality and psychology are intimately connected. Good spirituality isinnately therapeutic. The experience of God, felt, lived, and embraced should,indeed, heal us. Good psychology, depth psychology, should not be restricted tosolving problems of daily living, but should also be attending to the uniquesoul of the individual. So related are these two disciplines that I imagine themlike a double helix DNA molecule, one thread informing the other until there isno artificial divide, no turf war. These disciplines have evolved beyond thedualism of the Renaissance and the Enlightenment, and we know now that we canallow for a personal, mystical experience of the Holy, at the same timebelieving in the scientific knowledge we have of the human psyche.

My personal/professional work as a therapist and spiritual director has onlyaffirmed this belief. I have, from my professional beginnings, had the dissonantexperience of trying to separate these two fields. Why? Because my therapyclients who were willing to explore their spiritual beliefs healed more quicklyand reported experiences of transformation. Those seeing me for spiritualdirection expressed a greater sense of wholeness and healing when they allowedtheir psychological work and wounding to enter into the process.

Over time I added one more thread to the helix, the body. That sacred placewhere our psyches, souls, hearts, and minds are housed, our bodies don't lie.They store memories and experiences, and paying attention to our bodies canoften lead us to our own truths. Sometimes on the journey of transformation, wehave to focus on one thread at a time, as if untangling this triple helix. Welook at the psyche, the spirit, and the body separately, not because they areseparate, but because it makes dealing with a complex system manageable when wedo. The deep healing comes, though, when we start to integrate body, mind, andspirit. It doesn't matter which thread—body, mind, or spirit—we start withfirst. In the end, we weave the pieces back together into a beautiful helicalcreation, stronger now with each strand healed.

This process of healing and being healed, of living into our uniqueness andfullness, is, to me, the greatest joy in life. We are all trying to find our wayback Home, home to our holy nature, and this is how we do it, healing thread bythread. I believe this kind of personal transformation requires three things ofus: courage, perseverance, and community.

Courage, because one of the hardest things we do as people who believe intransformation is to look at the truth of ourselves. Being vulnerable andtruthful with ourselves, God, and others is courageous work. Sometimes theprocess of this inner work, the process of claiming our personal truths can feelnegative, dark, and full of grief. For some of us, it is even scary to look atour light and our strengths. Somehow we know that our lives will change if weclaim and share our stories and our personal truths. We also know that we can'tcontrol how they will change, and giving up that control can be frightening. Itcan also be freeing.

That is why perseverance is necessary. Transformation is not an easy process andthere is no quick fix. Changing any system is always difficult, and changing ourinner system might be the most difficult change of all. I credit my mother withhelping me at a young age begin to understand the process of transformation. Hersymbol for transformation was the butterfly. Every imaginable presentation ofbutterflies adorned our house—paintings, sun-catchers, napkins, bathroomwallpaper and towels, figurines, tchotchkes, clothing, jewelry, and tote-bags.And though the beauty and color of butterflies surrounded me in my home, Ilearned that the process of becoming one was not easy. I watched this happen onetime when I was in grade school and I had a terrarium in my bedroom. Inside theterrarium was a caterpillar cocoon on a stick. I awoke one morning to see thetip of a wing sticking out of the cocoon. When I came home from school that dayand raced up the stairs to my bedroom, just a fraction more of the black wingwas visible. "Mom, why is this taking so long?" I yelled. She came up to myroom. I still remember what she said to me. "Becoming a completely new creatureis slow work, Amy. Maybe the butterfly is tired and needs a break. Don't worry.The butterfly knows that it was meant to be a butterfly, and it will continue tocome out of that cocoon when it is ready. It will persevere." And like thebutterfly, sticking with the process and believing we are worth it, we will comeout transformed into our own unique Self.

In the two decades that I have worked with the transformative process, theaspect that seems the hardest for some of us is belonging to and participatingin community. Most of us need support and encouragement, so having a sense thatwe are not in this process of transformation alone can go a long way in helpingus stay on the path. However, honest community makes us vulnerable and open, sothe possibility to be hurt again is very real. Because it is in relationshipthat we get hurt, it is also in relationship that we heal, practicetransformation, and see the fruits of our psycho/spiritual labor. The paradox ofrisk and reward is truly felt when we decide to enter into any honestrelationship. That's simply the truth. You might get hurt. And, you might gethealed. You have to weigh the risk. When I do, I always come out on the side ofcommunity and relationship. For some, a faith community is the answer. Forothers, a support group like a 12-Step group is the answer. Groups that formaround similar interests like women's groups, men's groups, Bible studies, bookclubs, dream groups, and writing groups can become healing communities.

For some of us, becoming vulnerable, honest, and open to the quiet and lovingsupport of friends and family may be all that is necessary. In whatever way wedecide to engage in community, all we have to do is start, take that first step,and the Holy One will be there, supporting and guiding our efforts. A communityrelationship becomes transformative when it is lived as a sacrament, "an outwardand visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace" (The Book of Common Prayer,857).

Experience has taught me that inner work and the transformative process are wellworth the effort. Perhaps you could find guidance in a therapist, spiritualteacher, soul friend, or safe group. Use all the trusted resources you can find.Learning a contemplative form of prayer, sometimes called meditation, has beenan indispensable part of the process for me and many others. Finding a way tostill our minds and connect with the Holy One is an experience that canpositively change our perception of ourselves and the world.

Dr. Brewer was a brilliant psychologist and passionate educator. What I think hemight not have realized was that he was a spiritual mystic. Everything isrelated to everything else. In our earthly form, we are a miraculous helicalcreation, differing threads woven together to make a perfect whole. And dammit,don't you ever forget it.

Ready?

Do you want to be healed?

—John 5:6 (RSV)

When the student is ready, the student will see the teacher.

—Peggy Van Antwerp Hill, PhD

In my childhood home, whenever we were getting ready to go somewhere, anywhere,to church, on vacation, to a party, or out for a visit, my mother would say,"I'm ready," and my father would walk out the door and start the car. If thekids were going along, we would follow. This would start the inevitable tension.After a few minutes, my father would start honking the horn, saying things like,"Where is your mother? She said she was ready." Sometimes he would send one ofus in to "check on her," which really meant to hurry her along.

"I'm ready," to my mother, meant that she was in her slip with her jewelry on,and that she would, momentarily, put on her dress, change her purse, shut outthe lights, check on the pets, lower the thermostat, put on her coat, apply herlipstick, and then walk out the door. By the time she appeared, my father wouldbe frustrated, silent, and angry.

Sometime in the 1980s I laughed my way through a magazine article while waitingat a doctor's office. Written by a clever author, whose name I cannot remember,the article talked about stages of readiness. There was "ready," which in mylife was my mother in her slip and jewelry. Then there was "really ready," whichtranslates to my mother dressed and now changing her purse. There was "ultra-ready,"which would have been my mother coming down the stairs, checking on thepets, shutting out lights, and lowering the thermostat, and then there was"supremely ready," which in my life would have been my mother walking out thedoor. She usually ended up putting her lipstick on in the car. After reading themagazine article, I was excited to have a model to offer my extended family fordealing with our "readiness" drama. We now refer to it whenever we are togetherand issues around getting "ready" come up.

You can imagine my laughter when, on a recent Sunday morning getting ready toleave for church, I said to my husband, "It's 8:30, we need to be heading forthe car," and he said from the closet, wearing only his underwear and socks,"I'm ready."

He knows the family joke. He's lived with my extended family on vacations andreunions. He's heard us all say, "OK, what stage of readiness are we in? Are wejust ready or are we supremely ready?" He's heard us all say to my dad, "Sitdown and relax, Dad. She's only ready, not even ultra-ready. Three more stagesto go."

When I heard my husband say, "I'm ready" this past Sunday, not only did we bothstart laughing, but by the time I was sitting in church I began to associatethose two words with spiritual readiness as well. What does it mean to be readyfor the Divine to enter our lives? Are we ready, in our underwear and socks(metaphorically, of course), or are we supremely ready, walking out the door,truly starting the journey? I am reminded of the paralytic man by the poolcalled Bethsaida in John 5:5–14. He had been waiting at the healing pool forthirty-eight years, saying he wanted to be healed. It is clear to me now that hewas not supremely ready. He may have been ready, like my mother in her slip. Butuntil Jesus asked him if he wanted to be healed, he didn't move into a readyerstate. He wasn't supremely ready until the teacher came, and then histransformation moved right along.

What's the point of saying we're ready when we're really not anyway? Why notsay, "I won't be ready for ten more minutes?" Perhaps we want others to be happywith us, hoping we can fool them and keep them satisfied if we fudge on realitya bit. But if we only pretend we are ready for a relationship with God, who arewe fooling? Surely not the Holy One.

God is waiting. At whatever stage of readiness we are, we can begin ourjourneys, without the need to manipulate or pretend. God will take us rightwhere we are and accompany us from start to finish.

Digging Deeper

1. What are your own stages of psycho-spiritual readiness?

2. When do you say you are ready when you really aren't? Why do you think you dothis?

3. How do you distract yourself so that you are never really ready?

4. Some people have to experience a major crisis to undertake their inner work.What events, large or small, have drawn you into doing inner work?

5. Think about some psycho/spiritual disciplines that might help you be moreready to explore. For example, how do you think a daily devotional/meditationwould help your stage of readiness? How could a relationship with a spiritualdirector or therapist be helpful to you? A prayer group? Would you be willing tobe accountable to someone or a group for your spiritual journey?

Awakening from a Dream

I have dreamt in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after,and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, likewine through water, and altered the color of my mind.

—Emily Brontë

They say dreams are the windows of the soul—take a peek and you cansee the inner workings, the nuts and bolts.

—Henry Bromel

"Open your eyes. Take a deep breath. Sit up. You're dreaming," I told myselfover and over. Awakening from dreams, the ones that you feel so deeply in yourbody you are sure they are happening, is a precarious act. My dream, myunconscious, was pulling me back in. I, my waking self, wanted to get out. Itwas an uncomfortable tension. This particular dream was disturbing and I wastroubled upon awakening. My heart was beating quickly and my breathing wasshallow and quick. I was sweating and wasn't quite sure where I was. I wanted toshake it off, to get out of it. Yet I knew it was trying to tell me something,probably something I did not want to hear and something I did not already know.Because I believe that all dreams come to us in the service of our wholeness andhealing, I was able to give myself over to the dream for a few more minutes. Idid finally sit up in bed, encouraging myself to breathe, to pray, to ask theHoly for guidance as I opened myself to the possibilities of the dream message.

This dream, I believe, was taking me back about thirty years. I was being askedto consider, to reconsider, the meaning of certain events from that time in mylife. New light was being shed three decades later. I was being asked to doanother layer of emotional work and to allow for new healing. The vulnerabilityI was feeling left me weak and scared. I wanted my husband, who was out of town,and a girlfriend, who lives in another city, to hold me. Sitting with this alonewas not fun; still I think it was meant to be. I needed the time to turn to Godonly, with all of my fears, and to let the Holy Mystery soothe me.

Why am I dreaming this? What do these symbols mean? Who is this person in thedream? How is it that this stirs me so deeply? As I held all of these questionsup in prayer, the possibilities began to unfold. Events in a friend's life—adifficult and toxic relationship—were triggering memories from a similarrelationship in my earlier life. God knew I needed another look at all of that.I needed to look more deeply into my role in that earlier relationship. God,through this dream, provided me with a new lens. It didn't feel good. Stilldoesn't. I thought I was done with all of this.

There's a saying, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." I heardmyself chuckle. "Okay, God. You win. I am not done with this and you are notdone with me. You want me to be healed from the inside out. That light you areshedding is a little startling, though. I am squinting at best. A little dimmer,a little slower would be better. I promise to hang in there. The dream hasconvinced me. I believe you are with me."

Healing can be slow, confusing, frightening, or thrilling. However it happens,it rarely happens all at once. We revisit our wounds in our life, time and timeagain, and discover new layers of God's grace and mercy, new layers of healing.It might hurt. It might be scary. My mother used to say, "Being responsible isnot for the faint of heart." She was right, and I believe the healing journey isworth it.

Digging Deeper

1. Think about a startling dream you've had. What new perceptions might it betrying to show you in the service of your healing and wholeness? How can youtreat this or any dream as if it is a message from the Holy One to aid you inyour spiritual life? Begin to honor your dreams by writing them down in a dreamjournal.

2. Most dreams come to show us something we don't already know. Eachpart/person/object/geographic location might be a representation of thedreamer's self. Take just one aspect of the dream and let yourself wonder aboutit? Ask yourself, "What part of me might be represented by that?"