Faced with multiple choices regarding school, friends, and activities coupled with the ever-widening influence of the outside world, parents of 6-12 year olds need help. America's nanny is back to offer a large dose of healthy parenting advice with secrets for raising happy, secure, and well-balanced children.
NANNY TO RESCUE AGAIN!
By MICHELLE R. LAROWEW Publishing Group
Copyright © 2007 Michelle R. Larowe
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-0-8499-1244-3Contents
Acknowledgments................................................................................................ixIntroduction...................................................................................................xiSECTION ONE You Brought This Child into the World ... Now You Have to Let Him Go (Yikes!)1. Separating with Sanity......................................................................................32. Where Did That Come From?...................................................................................213. Why Can't I? Her Mother Lets Her Do It!.....................................................................39SECTION TWO School Days, Play Days4. The Great School Debate.....................................................................................595. Learning Logic, Homework Hassles, and Teacher Tactics.......................................................776. Planning Perfect Playdates..................................................................................897. Playground Politics and Personality Conflicts...............................................................1018. Friendship Factors..........................................................................................1159. Taking a Bite out of Bullying...............................................................................12710. The Thrill of Victory and the Agony of Defeat..............................................................139SECTION THREE Help for the Home Front11. Can't Stop, Wanna Drop?....................................................................................15512. Allowance, Chores, and Other Money Matters.................................................................16513. What's Happening to My Body?...............................................................................17514. Virtues to Grow On.........................................................................................191Michelle's Problemossary: Backtalk and Other Unwanted Gifts from A to Z........................................201Wrap Up!.......................................................................................................231Recommended Reading............................................................................................233Notes..........................................................................................................235About the Author...............................................................................................239
Chapter One
SEPARATING WITH SANITY
Scene 1: Take 1 The First Day of School
Mom. It's going to be OK, Zachary. You'll have a great first day of school. (Her voice quivers, and her smile is weak.)
Zach, nonchalantly. Yup! I can't wait! (He walks into school with a spring in his step.)
Mom, following close behind, trying to keep up with her son. How about a hug and a kiss for Mommy?
Zach. Mom, you don't have to walk me inside, you know. I know where my classroom is. (He blows a kiss her in direction and turns to greet his friends with a smile.)
MOM, fighting off the tears. OK, honey, I'll pick you up right outside at three o'clock.
Zach. OK! Bye, Mom!
Mom, turns and slowly exits the school building. Then spying a group of other moms chatting out front, she joins them. Why do they have to grow up so fast? I never thought the day would come that he wouldn't need me, never mind want me!
Second Mom, moving to console her. Sooner or later, all mothers experience this moment of no longer feeling needed by their kids. Today appears to be your day. It's a bit of a shock, isn't it?
(Unable to form the words through the lump in her throat, Zach's mom simply nods.)
Whether your day has come or is soon approaching-indeed, someday the realization hits: you and your child are two independent people who are in the process of learning to function without being attached at the hip. Since you literally carried the little tykes inside your womb, then in your arms, followed by years of having the pitter-patter of their feet right behind yours, it's no wonder that something as simple as dropping them off at school can feel like an amputation of sorts! No matter how much you might have wished for a few hours of alone time, there's a transition period where most moms feel a real loss. And it's especially potent with the first and last child!
Long gone are the days of spoon-feeding your toddler or tying your preschooler's shoes. If you've done your job well, your child started with, "I can do it myself!" and has now begun saying, "I don't want you to walk me into school today; I'm a big boy." It's bittersweet, isn't it? We want them to fly, and yet ... we miss having them next to us, safe in the nest.
Getting Kids Ready for the Big Leagues
It seems like just yesterday you were holding your child's hands as he learned to steadily walk the length of a field. He needed you to support him, to pick him up when he fell down. But it's a new game now. You are no longer playing backyard ball, where you can run in and call a time-out anytime you choose. Your job, at this point, is to cheer your little batter as he steps up to the plate. You can't hold his hands as he swings at the ball. (Well, you could, but your child would suffer untold embarrassment by his peers for the rest of his school life.)
He has to try; he must let the proverbial ball fly fair (or foul) on his own. You can, however, observe the play (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and take mental notes. Once the game is over-and when your child is receptive and asks for comments-you can encourage and advise.
All healthy parents gradually move from the role of a full-time, hands-on coach to more of a consultant and comforter. It doesn't happen all at once, thank goodness. And your children will always love and need you at some level for the rest of their lives.
Practice Will Pay Off
The ultimate goal of good parenting is to equip your children with the knowledge, life skills, and confidence to make healthy choices. As parents, you want to train your kids so their default behavior is kind, wise, compassionate, and fair-whether or not you are watching. A tall order, you say? Yep, it is. And of course, your child will try and fail and then get back in the game and try again ... many times. Growing up isn't easy for any of us. But without the testing ground of real life, most of us would not have matured. The playground is a laboratory for real life. It is where we learned cooperation on a seesaw, how to handle (or avoid) bullies, and how to go down a slide without getting burned.
If you've done your job well to this point (and most parents who care enough to read a book on parenting are in that category), do not fear: your child will enter her elementary-school years with your voice in her ear. I'm an adult, and I still hear my mother's voice in my head whenever I'm tempted to go in a counterproductive direction! I bet you do too. (I have a friend who tells me she even hears her mother whisper, "Get the double rolls; it saves time and money in the long run!" when she's shopping for toilet paper and tempted to go the cheap route.)
So although you may not hold your child's physical hand as she experiences life outside your home, you certainly hold her heart-and the memories of your words of wisdom, love, prayer, and discipline go with her into every circumstance.
Putting On Your Game Face
In the opening scene of the first day of school, it was obvious that this mother felt more insecure than her child. You may be nervous about all your child may encounter in this new world, but to borrow a phrase from a deodorant commercial, "Never let 'em see you sweat". Portray a positive, confident attitude about your child's transition to school (or any other major life transition), and it will impact the way your child embraces the change.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: I don't like change. I like waking up at the same time each morning, arriving at work at the same time and at the same place, and leaving work at a consistent hour each night. That's been my routine for the past seven years, and it soothes my inner Mary Poppins. I enjoy knowing that on Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings I'll be at church and that Saturday night is girls' night out. I take comfort in knowing that each May I take my vacation. For as long as I can remember, I've loved words like schedule and organization and planning. I get warm fuzzies over planners and date books and calendars. I brake for The Container Store.
I am nearing the third decade of an ordered life, and I don't like when a wrench is thrown into my dependable routine. But recently, I have been going through lots of transitions and changes in a short amount of time. Even though most of them are good things, there are still lots of new experiences happening all at once, which makes me especially empathetic with kids coping with the shift from Mom's familiar kitchen to the crowded kindergarten cafeteria.
My recent experience has been helpful for me in terms of feeling empathy for anyone in transition: whether a child going off to school for the first time or a mother adjusting to another phase of life. What helped me during the shaky transitional phase may also be of help to you and your child.
Preparing Your Child for School
Here are some ways you might keep your child feeling centered as he goes off to school or any new place, based on my personal experience and information from other parents and child experts. These small activities take just a moment of time but pay enormous dividends in terms of peace and confidence as your child faces new challenges.
Practice your child's new schedule. For example, a week before school starts, begin waking up and going to bed on school time. Lay out clothes the night before so morning time is less stressed, and then do some trial runs for fun. On one of the days, do a school drill-see if your child can get dressed and ready: bed made, teeth brushed, backpack loaded, and ready to go by a certain time on a preset alarm. Then instead of going to school (since it won't yet be open!), go out for a celebration pancake breakfast.
Do some information gathering with your child. Let him ask you questions, and share with him what to expect at school. Help him deal with any fears or concerns, such as, "What if I lose my lunch money?" or "How will I get home?"
Role-play situations that are bound to come up during the school day. For example, to prepare him for when he needs to use the bathroom in the middle of class but is not sure what to do, you say, "Zach, if you need to use the bathroom during class, raise your hand high for the teacher to see, and when she calls on you, ask if you can use the bathroom." Then say, "OK, Zach? I'll pretend to be the teacher. Now show me what you do when you need to go to the bathroom."
Teach him what to do when he doesn't know what to do. "Speak up! If you have a question, ask it! But raise your hand first and ask politely. Most likely someone else has the same question too."
Go over the school rules together. Most schools provide a handbook, so be sure to review it with your child. Highlight what you feel will really affect your child.
Try to get together with at least one other student before the first day of school. Most schools provide a class list toward the end of the summer. Plan a picnic at the school playground so that your child can make a new friend.
Attend school events. Many schools have a "meet and greet" day before school begins, a time to meet your child's teacher and other classmates. Take advantage of these opportunities.
Make fun events of shopping for school supplies and school clothes. Let your child handle and sort his supplies and pack them in his backpack. Ask him what special treats he might like to have in his lunch box the first week of school, and try to provide one or two of them.
Pray for your child. If you are comfortable with prayer, casually pray for your child before he goes to school, maybe even as you drive (with your eyes open!), and make the prayer full of anticipation and hope. ("Lord, I thank You for letting my child be such a special boy at home, and I ask that You show him how he can be a blessing to his friends and teacher today. We trust You to make it a good day!")
Assure him that God is with him everywhere and that he can talk to God anytime. When he's old enough to read, put a verse of Scripture or a loving thought or a funny joke in his lunch box. Before he's ready to read, draw a fun picture or cartoon to tuck into his backpack or lunch box. My mom taught me to wake up each day shouting, "Hey, Lord, I'm glad I'm alive! Thank You for another day, and send help. I'll need it all day long." Thirty years later, I still follow that routine, and it not only gets me out of bed but gets me out on the right side of the bed.
I know another woman (now in her sixties) who told me that her hardworking but ever-positive single mother put her feet over the side of her bed every morning and cheerfully said aloud, "I get to go to work today!" Can you imagine what that attitude would do for children?
Now They Are Happily Off to School, but What About You?
Now you have the tools to get your child pumped and ready to tackle her first day of school. Congratulations. Now what about you? If you are a working mom, you already know how you'll be filling your days. However, you may have to work out details of getting your kids to school and possibly after-school care.
If you are a stay-at-home mom and don't have other kids at home to care for, how can you ease your mind and transition to more hours in your day apart from your child? Yes, I know many of you moms have wisely and excitedly been planning how to fill up this free time for years. (Guilt-free naps! Lunching out where they don't give plastic toys in paper bags!) But lots of mothers have simply been so busy, well ... mothering, they've not had time to think about life after school starts.
How can you develop a plan to tackle the transition? Plan a new fall schedule for yourself. After your child or children are off to school, you could schedule a morning walk. Going with another mom with whom you can share the joys and struggles you are enountering. Plan lunch dates with your friends. Volunteer for a local organization. Go to the gym-you know, the one you belong to but could never make time for before now? Take a class, find a hobby, read a book, or reorganize that closet you haven't had time to do. If you've dreamed of completing your college degree and there are no more little ones at home, this is the perfect time to go back to school. Start slowly, taking only three to six class hours, to see how much extra stress it will be on you. If you find that you can handle more, increase your school load by one class each semester. By the time your child graduates from elementary school, you may have your degree-or two!
This may also be a great time to consider working part time if you need to help fatten the family budget or want to save for a Disneyland dream vacation-or better yet, a second honeymoon in Hawaii! I know a group of moms who love working at Starbucks together during the school hours. They have a great time making some extra money. Plus, Starbucks gives full health benefits to part-time employees and offers flexible schedules, making it one of the most mom-friendly companies to work for these days. If you're interested in using your newfound free time to supplement your family income, ask around for mom-friendly places to work in your area.
The options are endless! Take up painting, volunteer to be room mother, or redecorate your house room by room. You may want to purchase a pretty journal and brainstorm a list of "all the things I've wanted to do when I have more time." (Check out your local TJ Maxx or Ross store, if you have one-they have beautiful journals at bargain prices!)
A word to the wise: make sure that you allow yourself a peaceful transition from your world to the world of your children when they come home from school. You need a bit of time to switch gears from "woman at work" (or woman at play!) to mom who is refreshed and ready to give to her kids. Your kids will probably be full of things to talk about, and you need to be ready to listen with interest to the details of their days. They may be famished and in need of a healthy snack, along with a little downtime to rest and perhaps some playtime outdoors. Some moms make their kids tackle their homework right away; others feel that their children need some sort of break, along with fresh air and exercise, before settling down to sit and think. If something has to go in order for your child to be rested and happy, consider having a no-TV rule or limiting TV to one thirty-minute show per day until Friday afternoon.
Even if you are not, by nature, a lover of routine, this is the time to establish traditions, boundaries, and bedtimes for your own sanity and that of your children. The new school schedule may have thrown your child's sleep and eating patterns off-kilter, and he may very well come home emotionally and physically drained. Having weekly meltdowns from information overload isn't uncommon. This is all the more reason to make your after-school routine one that will both relax and energize your children in natural ways. (There's a lot to be said for the old-fashioned after-school routines: debriefing activities of the day, healthy snacks, fresh air and sunshine, rest and play.)
Make a place for your child's homework and paperwork that you need to sign. A small file folder or stacking letter boxes on the kitchen counter often work well-with a different color folder or box for each child.
Miracle Mornings Play by Play
The myth of the miracle morning is that it actually starts in, and only involves, the morning. The true miracle morning starts the evening before and is a continuous, weekly cycle of showering, laying out clothes, loading backpacks, and packing lunches-all before the kids head off to bed. (I have to be honest and admit that after a full school year of packing lunches every day for my charges, we did take advantage of the convenient school lunch program, although each evening we still had to pack a healthy, hearty snack.)
One thing that helps my charges and I have miracle mornings is that we follow a consistent routine, and the kids play a significant role in that routine. This, in turn, has the added benefit of fostering their independence and self-esteem.
Each evening, the kids are responsible for packing their backpacks with schoolwork and other items needed for the next day of classes and laying out their morning clothes on the edge of their beds. Each night, it's the same. They pack their backpacks, shower, lay out clothes, brush their teeth, go to the bathroom, say their prayers, and hit the hay.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from NANNY TO RESCUE AGAIN!by MICHELLE R. LAROWE Copyright © 2007 by Michelle R. Larowe. Excerpted by permission.
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