Lesson 1

Develop Self-Knowledge

Developing self-knowledge is about self-awareness—knowing your tendencies, your strengths and weaknesses, and your purpose and accurately identifying how you feel and your triggers. How I wish we had such a manual in school for each one of us! We lead ourselves daily, and many of us are going to an unknown destination because we never take time to figure out who we are and where we are going. Many also struggle to lead or manage themselves because they do not know who they really are. They may even experience conflict with self between who they are and who they have been socialized to be.

Know Your Course

There are three things that are extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know oneself.

—Benjamin Franklin

The guide knew the route well and what to expect on the way. He had the ability to identify and name the different rapids scales of the river, their intensity, and the consequences of riding on them. He knew even the history of the river and could tell its story. The story had an effect on whether the present team would attempt certain areas or rapids that had caused fatalities or whether they had the skills to navigate those white waters. Telling the story allowed those present to understand what lay before them and to choose their options.

The guide also knew the rules of the river. He indicated that if those who could not swim found themselves outside the boat for some reason, they should not try to stand; they should keep their legs flowing with the water, and someone would then be able to rescue them. If they tried to stand, they would definitely sink. Before we set off, we got on the boat and practiced what we would do along the way. The guide instructed us to paddle in different ways and asked us to remember to listen to instructions and paddle as he said. We also jumped out of the boat into the water individually and had a team member pull us back in.

The guide continued educating us about the sport, explaining that each raft required different navigation. Sometimes, we would make hard forward paddles or backward paddles. Our life jackets were on, and he educated us on how to be safe with them. River Nile makes a big statement with its story, its scenery, and its strength and challenges,

When most of us saw the river, it seemed like just a river. Experienced kayakers, however, immerses themselves in its full story, the different scales of rapids, positives and negatives, and the natural laws of the river. For them, nothing is to be feared, because it is understood, as they have learned as much as they can about it. Like rafters along the river, all of us need skills to navigate the constant challenges and changes that life presents and the different emotions we experience as a result. Life can be likened to a river with class-one to class-six scale rapids and some calm waters. We need the skills of a kayaker, yet we grow up with not enough education on how to navigate the rapids. With learning and critical knowledge, rafters transform fear to adventure, and that is how we need to live our lives.

Human beings are like an iceberg. There is more to us than people around us may see or what we may be willing to embrace of ourselves. Most of us need to take a self-tour to understand why we do what we do, and check if we really are living our own lives or the labels presented to us by others. The labels may be partially correct—some are empowering and some dis-empowering.

Exploring Your Iceberg

An important part of that understanding is knowing who we are and what we can do ... Ultimately, we must synthesize our understandings for ourselves.

—Howard Gardner

Exploring your iceberg helps to deepen your self-knowledge to understand who you really are and why you do the things you do. Most of us think we are the labels that others have said we are, and we rarely take time intentionally to understand what drives our behavior on a daily basis and then synthesize the knowledge.

We normally judge others based on what we see them do, but the visible part, the tip of the iceberg is on average about 9 percent of the whole story. Behavior is what we see in others or what others see of us and that is 9 percent of the whole story. However, influence to behave in a certain way comes from what lies underneath—the 91 percent that is invisible. How often do we see people doing something or behaving in a certain way, and we judge them? And are we correct? What lies beneath the surface is the invisible force that drives behavior, and emotions are part of that sphere of influence. Our values, self-image, traits and motives are part of what lies underneath, the invisible forces that drives our behavior. These define or shape our self-concept, which is what we think about ourselves Our self-concept influences our level of self-esteem, which is how we feel about ourselves. These under-the-surface forces trigger our emotions in any given situation. Diving deeper to explore what lies beneath in ourselves and in others will help us understand why people do what they do, or why we do what we do, bearing in mind that our action or inaction is dependent on how we feel.

Values

Part of what lies underneath the surface is your values. Your values give you an indication of what is important to you. Values influence our evaluation and interpretation of any given situation. That interpretation triggers a certain emotion, thereby governing the way we behave. Values develop from our life experiences, especially the early childhood experiences. For example, one of my values is independence; it is important to me. I don't want to be dominated, and this is based on my life experiences while growing up. Independence, for me, provides a form of certainty that is a human need. The more I feel independent, the more I feel significant. The more the home environment presented some form of domination, expressed through abuse, the more I wanted to break free as I grew older. However, values are different for individuals, based on their experience and interpretation of the events that they encountered on their way. Two people can experience the same event and interpret and evaluate it differently; hence, two people can have different stories of the same event and develop different values and beliefs. On the other hand, for someone who grew up in a solid family, with love, laughter, and happiness, dependence or family unity may become a key value. Dependence for that person provides security and certainty.

I do believe that we all have a core value, and from the core value stems all our other values in the key areas of our lives, such as financial values, family values, vocational values, mental values, physical or health values, spiritual values, and social values. Values provide opportunities or threats in our lives. Our core value helps us to set the boundaries in the way we behave and connect with others—that is; if we are aware. Otherwise it becomes a source of frustration. When I am in an environment that support my values, I feel secure; for example, if the environment support independence, I am content and feel in control; hence, that is an opportunity for me to express myself better. But if the environment creates some form of dependence, I feel insecure, fearful, and uncertain. For example, I value financial freedom, and this stems from my core value of independence. So each time I find myself in a situation where I must borrow money, whether from the bank or from someone, my value is challenged. As a result, it is a threat, and I stress about it.

Our values sort of form rules of engagement—how we relate with others—forming and bonding in relationships or destroying relationships. I will trust someone who gives me independence; this creates harmony in the relationship. Each time this value is challenged, I feel disgusted, which creates tension. Understanding and knowing my values is important, but also knowing and understanding that everyone's values are different will assist me in relating better. Everyone is looking for an opportunity and not a threat, but often, because most of us are caught up in our own value and belief systems or what is important to us, we project this on to others. We want them to see what is important to us and for it to be equally as important to them, and this triggers conflict or disharmony. This is because we all have what is important to us, and it takes an acute awareness to honor other people's values.

Alignment of values becomes critical when we relate. How do I live out my values without threatening others, or how do I ensure that I am not threatened when others live out their values? In other words, how do I maximize my opportunities to reduce others' threats? If I relate to a person whose value is dependence or being dependable, how can I become independent in a dependent way? It sounds complicated, doesn't it?

Alignment of individual values also becomes very critical, as sometimes people have conflicting values, and this can create living in a confused state or being unaware what you are trying to portray as an individual. For example, you may value a certain lifestyle, which may mean fancy and expensive clothes, a fancy car, a fancy place to live, and eating out in fancy places. This lifestyle requires financing, and if you don't have a financial cushion, you may find yourself financing this through debt. If your financial value is financial freedom, this might be compromised by the core value of lifestyle.

Your core value is the axle that makes your wheel of life go around and make it easier for you to recognize a rewarding environment or to create a rewarding or fulfilling environment.

How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and, keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to know what really matters most.

—Stephen Covey

Exploration: Check Your Core Value

1. What is your core value? (check the list in appendix 1)

2. In each key area of your life (finances, family, spiritual, mental, career, social, and physical), pick at least two values

3. Does your core value influence your other values?

Self-image

Self-image is a mental picture of how we see ourselves or who we are. While we continue to grow, we may have an ideal self and a real self. Self-image is shaped by our formal and informal education system and by our peers as well. It can either be positive or negative, based on what we learned from the environment that shaped us. It can either be distorted or enhanced, and this consists of characteristics such as beautiful, ugly, talented, intelligent, stupid, kind, generous, selfish, lazy, hardworking, significant, insignificant, mean, or not good enough.

Your self-image will determine the value you place on yourself; your self-worth affects your self-esteem. If your self-esteem is positive, it means the shaping environment was enhancing, or that despite the negative environment, your inner power did not give power to the external force. I remember one time when my English teacher told me that I would get a D grade in English, because my English was terrible. I actually motivated myself to prove her wrong. I started reading more English novels to improve my English and got an A grade. Not everyone, though, is able to counter external influences and forces. If you struggle with confidence and low self-esteem, you may need to trace it back to its source, which could be an event, a person, or a word.

Our self-image also affects our self-talk—what we say to ourselves when no one else is listening. I don't mean the affirmations that are a way of trying to counter the voice inside you. While affirmations are good, it is also important to acknowledge the source of the problem and then try to fix it, rather than trying to wash a pot when you cannot see where the dirt is. Your self-image affects your behavior in the key areas of your life—financial, mental, career, spiritual, family, social, and physical. Sometimes people with low self-esteem or poor self-image cover up who they are by being arrogant, harsh, defensive, or angry. The great thing is that self-image is not fixed or static; it is ever-changing. Any positive self-image can get better, and a negative self-image can be transformed to make positive changes. Your self-image affects your dominant emotions.

Exploration: Self-image

1. Do you have a positive or negative self-image?

2. Pick three words that describe your self-image in these areas: home, work, finances, friends, family, physical, and mental (pick from a list of values in the appendix)

3. Is your self-image congruent with your ideal self?

4. How do these concepts of self affect your esteem and confidence?

5. Is there anything you do to cover up where there is negativity?

6. What are your dominant emotions as a result of self-image?

Traits

Traits are what make you stand out as an individual. Your traits are linked to your personality. Your positive traits influence self-appreciation, and negative traits influence self-criticism. Awareness of these will assist you in managing them to achieve the results you want. Traits also can be looked at as your strengths and weakness. Your weaknesses can be viewed as your overdone strengths, so all you need is to do is control the "volume" or the magnitude of expressing them. If you do not "control the volume," negative traits can stand in your way of achieving the desired results or goals. Knowing and understanding your personality will assist you in managing yourself as you become more aware of your behavior when things go well or when conflict arises. It also becomes easier to self-witness or just observe yourself.

Exploration: Traits

1. Pick your four positive attributes or traits.

2. Pick three negative traits.

3. Take a personality test—the Strength Deployment Inventory request on www.eMotions4Success.com

Motives

Your motives are the reasons why you do what you do, positive or negative. Self – help author, life coach and motivational speaker, Anthony Robbins identified six human needs that are motivators for behavior. These include love and connection, significance, certainty/comfort, variety/uncertainty, contribution, and growth. We all want to feel loved and love, and that gives us a sense of connection. This emotion can drive us to act in a certain way in pursuit of connection. Every human desires a sense of significance or feeling important; we want to matter and be accepted. With comfort comes certainty and ability to be in control. We all want to have the peace of mind that comes from certainty. On the other hand, while we want comfort, we also want variety that creates uncertainty. Growth is an essential element of every human being—this can be mental growth, financial growth, spiritual growth, career growth, and so on. We often do what we have to do in order to grow.

We all feel good when we contribute to humanity or to our loved ones, and we behave in a certain way to achieve that. Our motives are built upon our primal desires and very much linked to what we then value. Clarifying our motivation for doing what we do is crucial, so that we don't find ourselves with conflicting behaviors, and we can make better choices.

Your experience and how you respond to it in the first years of your life forms your values, self-image, and traits, and influences your motives. Your early life experiences create what you perceive as missing—your unmet needs—based on your individual interpretation and evaluation of events that occurred. Your unmet needs will inform what you pursue or will be the major driver of your behavior.

Exploration: Motives

1. What do you spend most of your energy on or most of your time doing?

2. What is your motive for doing what you do most of the time?

Develop Emotional Literacy

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.

—Marie Curie

A critical step in developing self-knowledge is enhancing emotional literacy. Most of us have never been educated about emotions in our formal and informal education system. The best I was ever taught about emotions as I was growing up was, "Think with your head, not your heart." What does this mean? Can a heart think? There is actually no common understanding on this, even though almost all of us have had this teaching. The other maxim, which also is taught, is "Don't be emotional about it." Again, what does this mean? Is there anyone who is not emotional? Are we describing what the person decides to do with the emotion, which is the action or behavior, rather than the emotion itself? Emotions are universal; we all have them. However, we use them differently—some deny them or suppress them; some overindulge and let their emotions run out of control. Most people are afraid of their own emotions. They would rather not acknowledge them, or they try to escape from them, which is a futile exercise. We are all born with emotions as a primal survival tool.