CHAPTER 1
Conflict Begets Conflict
The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself.—Garth Brooks
The shift in perspective I mentioned in the introduction didn't come to me all at once. Listening to and watching my relationships, as well as those of my clients, I made a discovery: conflict creates conflict. While it isn't earth-shattering, you might be amazed to discover how many people ignore this truth.
Anger leads to more anger. Fighting never—and I mean never—accomplishes anything good!
Through the process of denial, we convince ourselves that the expression of raw emotion cleanses the soul, when it's really corrosive. Rather than leaving us with a feeling of freedom and connection to one another, we are left in even more bondage, feeling more detached and alienated from our mates than ever.
Conflict also alienates us from ourselves. Fighting with others renders us at odds within. We don't feel good when fighting with our spouses. When our external, personal worlds are in chaos, our inner worlds resonate with chaos as well.
Just yesterday I witnessed this fact again. Daniel and Marta, married for ten years, had been separated for several months. Each harbored a litany of complaints about the other. Daniel is a stockbroker, tall and lean, whose laser-like gaze set me on edge. He seemed comfortable spitting out his thoughts and feelings without regard for the listener. He knows "the truth" and believes he should share it with candor; he views his actions as virtuous.
Marta, more soft-spoken and demure, is a kindergarten teacher, accustomed to speaking kindly. While she is gentle and caring, she can be firm when necessary, as I witnessed with her husband.
They are in their early thirties and have two young children. They are disenchanted with marriage and relationships. They came to counseling because they are uneasy about their recent separation, to which fighting had been a major contributor.
Daniel and Marta noted that as they shared their thoughts and feelings, often recklessly, their wounds grew deeper and deeper. They've become increasingly distrustful of the other's motives. He seems out to hurt her, and vice versa.
As I listened to Daniel during their second session, I again wondered about the wisdom of sharing one's mind and the idea of "healthy conflict."
"Look," Daniel said, shortly after sitting down, "I say what's on my mind and I try to say it diplomatically. I can't control how Marta takes it. That's not my concern."
I watched Marta squirm.
"What do you mean, 'That's not my concern'?" I asked.
"Just that," he said, irritated by my question. "If I say things honestly, and my intent is not to hurt Marta, then she has to work on how she hears things."
"What do you think about what Daniel is saying?" I asked Marta, who sat rigidly, her hands clasped together under her chin.
"Well, that's Daniel, and he thinks he is right," she said slowly. "He says things straight out. I suppose I do too. Then we have a spitting match, and that's no fun."
"What does a spitting match look like?" I asked.
Both looked at me and smiled.
"You know," Daniel said, still smiling. "It's when you know you're right, and you're upset.
So you say what you have to say to get your point across. I do it and so does she."
"So it's really a battle," I said, watching for their reactions. "Kind of like an aggressive chess match. You're out to win."
Both Daniel and Marta were silent.
"Yes, I suppose," Daniel said cautiously.
"That's about how it goes," Marta agreed. "But it obviously isn't working, or we wouldn't be here."
"And what is the effect of these spitting matches on your marriage? How do you feel about the power struggles?" I asked.
"I kind of think we both like it," Daniel said. "But our anger usually escalates, and it's no fun after that."
Yes, I explained, most of the time we use little control after our conversation is injected with a bit of anger. Add a strong opinion, stir in a sense of self-righteousness, and you have the recipe for a disaster.
We spent the balance of the session talking about why Daniel and Marta had chosen to enter counseling, the role of conflict in their relationship, and the toll conflict was taking on their marriage. Wounded and hurt, both were reluctantly willing to take another look at how they were relating.
The Truth about Conflict
Conflict takes an incredible toll on individuals and relationships. Conflict inevitably leads to attempting to manipulate and hurt others. We know this in our souls. We can feel this truth. The Apostle James shared the essence of conflict and battles for power and control when he wrote, "You are jealous for something you can't get, so you struggle and fight" (James 4:2). Consider some of these truths about conflict. Have you experienced any of them in your marriage?
Conflict, by Its Very Nature, Is Divisive
Conflict sets us up to have an adversarial relationship with our mates. I don't like what you're saying or doing, so I set out to prove you wrong. I may cloak my words in something nice, but make no mistake, I'm out to win. And where there is a winner, there must be a loser.
Conflict Fuels the Fires for More Conflict
Even while we're telling ourselves that we're solving a problem, we're creating even more conflict. Win/lose attitudes perpetuate strife. Looking out for number one creates more animosity, leading to even more conflict.
Conflict Creates a Polarized Atmosphere
As much as we might try to restrain our aggressive impulses, while in a conflict state (a kind of trance) we're trying to gain control. We slip easily into a right-versus-wrong or good-versus-bad mentality. We shift into extreme thinking that distorts what we're saying to each other.
Conflict Silences Our Empathic Ability and Connection
When engaged in conflict, seeing our mates as the enemy, we cannot be involved in activities promoting connection and love. We cannot be sensitive tothe hearts of our mates or attend to their inner struggles.
Conflict Fights Resolution
When we're fighting, aggressively or subtly, we are not involved in conversations fostering resolution of the issues. This leads to a breakdown of the relationship, as we are not in an emotional place where we can be constructive with one another.
We don't like to admit these truths about conflict. We attempt to shrug off being hurt by another's words, but our gut keeps score. Let's admit it: we feel unsafe with someone who is aggressively focused on winning.
A New Mind-set
If embracing conflict is no longer useful, what are we to do? Your mind-shift will involve a return to past values, including civility. This quality builds and restores relationships.
Civility may be a term unfamiliar to you. The term itself is outdated. We have sadly outgrown the desire to be civil to one another. What with road rage and win/lose propositions, very few give thought to how their behavior impacts others.
P. M. Forni, cofounder of the Johns Hopkins Civility Project and author of The Civility Solution, believes it's time to bring this antiquated notion out of mothballs. In an article in USA Today, Forni said, "I have tried to show that manners are not primarily about which fork to choose for the salad, but about how we treat one another in everyday life." He goes on to point out that manners and violence are often connected, in that acts of violence are often acts of rudeness that spiral out of control.
Like Forni, I have no doubt Emily Post would be turning over in her grave if she saw how we treat each other. I suspect she would view the way we resolve problems—or don't resolve them—as barbaric. "Winner take all," "Take no prisoners," "Be top dog at any cost" are everyday concepts foreign to those who value relationships and courtesy.
I am genuinely saddened at the way we treat each other, especially in the one relationship purported to be the epitome of love: marriage. What should be our safest place of refuge has lost its sanctity. The place reserved as a haven above all others seems to be unsafe for far too many.
Just this morning I met with a young woman. Jenny was dressed casually in jeans and sweater, her shoulder-length hair hanging loose. She sat in front of me, tearfully recounting how her husband of two years was finished with her. He had announced, suddenly, that he wanted out. He was tired of conflict and sought relief in the only solution he could think of: leaving. Jenny wept as she shared how she tried to dissuade her husband from his rash decision. He would not reason with her, she said, and was determined to follow his impulses. His happiness was more important, and he wanted to be on his own.
Jenny was racked not only with immense hurt and rejection but also with guilt about their two years together. In hindsight she realized their relationship had been tumultuous. She had been critical, defensive, and unloving. She wanted another chance but was not going to get it.
Sadly, Jenny is realizing too late she played a part in her husband's actions. While she is certainly capable of being loving and kind, she has too often been angry and demanding. She has been uncivilized in her actions. Both Jenny and her husband hurt, and both have played a role in the demise of their marriage. Both have discovered, perhaps too late, that conflict kills. A lack of civility, far from being a benign problem, can severely damage any relationship.
If you're anything like me, you can relate to Jenny. You too have found it easy to be angry and demanding. Those old patterns are hard to break—yet we're capable of doing just that. We have an immense capacity to be loving and kind if we choose. Yes, you have reasons to be spiteful, but you have more reasons to be loving and kind. You cannot have the relationship you want without choosing civility and more—choosing kindness.
A Better Way: Building Relationship
Daniel, Marta, and Jenny, along with my own experiences in marriage, cry out for a new way to resolve conflict and make healthy connections. We all need some new skills. These skills, however, are not the entire solution. We need a new mind-set as well. We need to do more than simply keep animosity and tension at bay; we must learn how to make positive efforts that buildrelationship.
This is the better way.
Questions for Reflection and Discussion
1. What have you noticed about how people tend to deal with anger?
2. How do you feel about conflict?
3. What do you think about the statement "Conflict creates conflict"?
4. Why do you suppose there is more conflict in marriage than in other relationships?
5. Have you noticed a loss of civility in our culture? Where?
6. What do you believe must change in yourself in order to bring about less conflict in your marriage?
Tools for Change
1. Daniel believes the way Marta receives his message is completely her responsibility, which leaves her feeling alone and shamed. I encouraged him to see that his delivery of information was critical to how she might receive it. We are partially responsible for the way our mates receive our message. How can you apply this to your relationships?
2. What are some habits of civility you can begin using with your spouse? For example, instead of saying "Why did you do that?" say "Can we talk about something?" Civility pertains to everyday, common courtesies. Discuss with your mate situations in your marriage where you can be gentler and kinder.
CHAPTER 2
Passive-Aggression, Explosions, and Other Power Plays
For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.—Ralph Waldo Emerson
Never fight again: this may still feel like a bold promise, especially when many of us struggle to make it through a week or perhaps even a day without conflict.
It is my promise. But before I can teach you more about how to never fight again, let's take a step back. We need to explore how and why you currently fight. Once you understand your patterns, you can interrupt them and replace them with fantastic new skills that create harmony and interpersonal intimacy.
Does this sound too good to be true? I suspect it does, since most authors and relationship experts teach us how to fight more effectively rather than how not to fight! I am well acquainted with the old ways of hammering out conflict and have seen how damaging those ways are. I've also experienced how enlivening and exciting new ways of relating can be.
Before we can move forward, first let's take an inventory of the outdated, unproductive, and downright dysfunctional things we do. Now, no one wants to admit that what he or she is doing isn't working. But it's essential effort toward building a fight-free marriage. Let's look at a case in point.
Ken and Jessica
Walking couples through the transformation from power struggles and endless conflict to cooperation and unity excites me. I love working with couples in crisis, helping them learn new ways of interacting, sensing their joy and excitement at giving up old ways of fighting and learning new ways of cooperation. Still, it's a challenging job.
When Ken and Jessica arrived at their first appointment, they sat fidgeting in the waiting room, not speaking to each other. Ken picked up a magazine and flipped through the pages. Jessica played with her phone. I took a deep breath, greeted them, and escorted them back to my office.
Jessica arrived from her job at a mortgage company dressed in business slacks and a multicolored blouse. She was thirty years old, articulate, and bright. After I formally introduced myself, Jessica nodded and abruptly sat down. She immediately began digging in her purse for what I soon discovered was a list of issues she wanted addressed.
Ken was equally guarded. He looked stiff in his tie and slacks. His face was a mask of exhaustion and anger.
Ken and Jessica glared at each other and then turned to me. "How are you feeling about being here?" I asked.
"Do you want me to be honest?" Jessica asked.
"Of course," I said. "That's why you're here."
"I'm furious," Jessica began. Shaking her list, she continued, "I've been waiting for a chance to say these things. He won't listen to me at home so I had to drag him here to get his attention. I've got enough stuff for three sessions."
"Wow!" I exclaimed, feeling overwhelmed by Jessica's outburst and intensity. "You're really upset."
"Furious," she said again. "I doubt he's any happier." She shot an icy glare at Ken.
"Nope," Ken said. "My list is just as long as hers, believe me. But it's in my head. How do we start?"
"I'd like to begin by asking a couple of questions," I said. "First, how long have you two been so angry with each other?"
"Years," Jessica said. "He yells, stops talking for days, slams doors, and threatens divorce. He puts me down. I hate it and won't take it much longer."
Ken jumped in. "And you're innocent? This is a bunch of bull. Don't paint me as the bad guy. You have a temper too."
"Hold on, folks," I said, though they ignored me.
"I don't yell like you yell," Jessica continued. "And I never slam doors."
"No, you slam me!"
"Folks," I said, growing more frustrated, "you've got to stop arguing so we can figure out what's going on."
"Good luck," Ken said sarcastically.
"Do you see what I mean?" Jessica shouted. "You have no idea how he talks to me! You'd be angry too if you were demeaned all the time. I can't take this anymore."
They glared at each other, and I still had no clue about the real issues. What I did know was that my head was swimming. Ken and Jessica were filled with so much tension and hurt, they viewed each other as the enemy. Clearly both had a long history of fighting in destructive ways and desperately needed help.
For a moment I wanted to transport myself to my sailboat, cruising on the Puget Sound. Then I mentally shifted back to Ken and Jessica. "What I can see," I said, "are negative patterns of interacting. You need to recognize these patterns and eliminate them." I leaned back in my chair. "Is this the way you usually talk to each other?"
"This is mild," Ken replied. "If you weren't here, Jessica would be telling me everything I do wrong. She'd be telling me what I'm thinking, why I do what I do, and how rotten I am."
"That's so unfair," Jessica retorted. "You're making me out to be a shrew, and it's just not true."
"Folks," I interjected, "stop. Neither of you is a bad person. Quite the opposite. You're normal. You're doing what you've learned. In many ways you can't expect to do anything different. That's where I come in. And that's why we're going to talk about learning some new skills."
Sitting back, I wondered how open they would be to confrontation. Would they be willing to see how harmful their words and actions were? Both looked at me, silent. I considered my next move.
Closed Hearts
In those moments of silence I wondered about the hostility feeding Ken and Jessica's personal war. I wondered how many years of hurt were displayed in their piercing words. I began to see them as two wounded people who had closed off their hearts, hurling insults back and forth in a futile attempt to stop their hurting.
