How to Recognize Sexual Abusers of Children

We all have ideas of what a molester looks like. Images of a "dirty old man" or creepy-looking stranger waiting to snatch some unsuspecting child come to mind. But these "evil" or "dirty old" men stereotypes are dangerous myths. By being vigilant only for creepy-looking men, parents may overlook the people who are much more likely to commit sexual abuse.

The biggest myth about CSA is that most molesters are strangers to the child. Instead, an abuser is much more likely to be someone the child knows, including relatives, family friends, and people in positions of trust and authority. Only ten percent are strangers.

Abusers can be relatives as close as siblings, parents, grandparents, or step-parents (known as incest). Abusers outside the family are often in positions of authority over the child — members of the clergy, baby-sitters, school personnel, medical or mental health professionals, scout leaders, or day care providers.

While it is true that CSA is mostly perpetrated by males, females also sexually abuse children. And abusers are rarely older adults. Instead, onset of CSA offending peaks at two times — the first during adolescence and the second during the thirties, when adults have access to children (in their own families or place of employment). Also be aware that older children and teenagers (boys and girls) sexually abuse younger children, including their siblings and children in their care (for example, while baby-sitting).

Images of molesters as criminals or homeless people are also incorrect. People who sexually exploit children often lead two lives — a respected public life and a hidden private life. Recent news reports have highlighted "shocking" cases of prominent, respected people (including priests, politicians, and teachers) who have been arrested for sexually abusing children. People are shocked because they have assumed that because of these people's public behavior or position in the community, they would never sexually abuse children.

The most important fact to remember about child sexual abusers is that they can be anyone. In the vast majority of cases, the abuser is somebody the child knows and trusts and who has power and authority over the child. Being an authority figure doesn't depend on the person's age or gender, but is based on a child's perception that the person is "in charge" of, or more powerful than the child. Molesters misuse and exploit their power and authority to persuade a child to comply with their sexual requests.

How to Spot a Potential Abuser

It's impossible to identify sexual abusers based on their outward appearance, position in the community, public behavior, or their relationship to a child. They do, however, give us clues through their behaviors — actions that reflect a sexual interest in children.

Most abusers carefully select their victims and then go through a process of emotionally and physically "grooming" them. Through the grooming process abusers gain children's trust, obtain their sexual compliance, and maintain their silence. Be aware — not all abusers groom children. Exceptions include random acts of violence by adults not known to the child and when bullies, one child or teenager or a group of children, perpetrate sexual abuse upon a child.

Recognizing the Phases of Grooming

Phase 1: Selecting a child

Some abusers place themselves in settings that offer easy access to children. Schools, churches, sports clubs, homes, and youth organizations offer many opportunities for abusers to gain access to children.

Abusers often hold positions of authority in these settings; these positions allow them to be alone with a child. Engaging a child in sexual activities requires privacy, and in most cases of CSA the abuser is alone with the child. In cases of parent-child or sibling incest, abusers are already in a position of authority and select one or more of the children in the family to molest.

In her riveting autobiography, Miss America by Day, former Miss America Marilyn Van Derbur describes how her prominent and well-respected father sexually violated her for 13 years, starting when she was five. She referred to herself as the "Night Child," as the abuse always occurred at night, when she was alone in her bedroom.

Other abusers target children who go places such as movies, malls, game centers, or parks by themselves. Some pick young boys who go alone into public restrooms, as this convicted molester described: "A great place to hang out is in a toilet in a kiddies' hamburger-type restaurant. Little boys, especially, go into the toilets alone and they aren't expecting someone to try to touch them."

This guy is an example of a "snatcher," who molests a child when he's alone in the wrong place at the wrong time. But in most cases, a person who wants to use a child sexually needs to develop a relationship with the child so the two can have ongoing contact. These abusers move into Phase 2.

Phase 2: Building a relationship

After selecting a particular child, perpetrators work on building a special friendship with that child. Over time (weeks or months), they become "best friends" and spend most of their spare time socializing alone with their "best buddy." In one study, children described their relationships with their abusers by saying such things as "He was like my buddy instead of my stepfather" and another reported that "We were really good friends, best friends." Molesters are experts at bonding with a child and using the friendship to manipulate the child into meeting their sexual needs.

How do they manipulate a child? Molesters often spend lots of time talking and listening to children, encouraging them to share their worries or problems. Another ploy is to give children gifts — movie tickets, music, jewelry, cell phones, clothes, or money — all with the hope of getting something in return.

In his book, Sexual Abuse of Children and Adolescents, William Prendergast describes Louie, a maternal uncle who lived with and supported nine-year-old Julie and her mother after the father deserted the family. Uncle Louie first befriended Julie, taking her to parks and amusement areas and buying her gifts almost daily. Julie's mother trusted her brother implicitly and was thrilled to see the two developing such a close relationship.

To gain access to a child, some perpetrators outside the family groom the child's parents by posing as a nice, trustworthy, or safe person. Here, a music teacher described how he groomed children and their parents: "When a person like myself wants to obtain access to a child, you don't just go up and get the child and sexually molest the child. There's a process of obtaining the child's friendship and, in my case, also obtaining the family's friendship and their trust. When you get their trust, that's when the child becomes vulnerable, and you can molest the child."

Phase 3: Gaining the child's sexual compliance

As the friendship deepens, the relationship becomes sexual. First their play begins to involve a lot of body contact — hugging, rough-housing, kissing, tickling, massaging, or wrestling with the child — even when the child doesn't ask for or want this physical affection. These non-sexual touches may look innocent, but they have a definite purpose — to desensitize the child to touch.

In Douglas Pryor's book, Unspeakable Acts, he describes how a stepfather began desensitizing his stepdaughter to touch by first rubbing between her legs and waiting to see how she would react. He reported, "I kept telling myself, 'If she says no I'll stop and won't do it again.' I don't know if that was true ... because ... she never did say stop."

Mark taught music lessons in his home so he could be alone with his pupils. He used the lessons as opportunities for "physical touching, often disguised as 'open your mouth wider' or 'use your stomach more.' I would touch them in places that might have otherwise been questionable to them." This physical contact is done very deliberately and is designed to groom the child into accepting these boundary violations.

Another ploy is to "accidentally" expose themselves or "accidentally" touch a child's genitals, perhaps during massages or while bathing a child. For example, while bathing nine-year-old Julie, Uncle Louie spent more time washing her genitals, eventually fondling and penetrating her during bath time. Another strategy is to "accidentally" walk in on children while they are bathing, using the toilet, or changing clothes. This tactic is another way to breach personal boundaries.

Children are rarely aware they're being groomed. One victim reported, "I didn't know there was anything wrong with it because I didn't know it was abuse until later. I thought he was showing me affection." And this child said, "It took me forever to figure out what was going on. He called it 'roughhousing' and wanted to do it every time he was alone with me. In summer camp, that happened to be a lot of times. When I got older, I realized he was having erections when he rolled all over me." It's very easy for children to be tricked into believing that sexual touch is okay.

Like touches, conversations can cross over into personal and inappropriate territory. They might comment on a child's developing body ("Your muscles are developing nicely" or "You have just the right body for gymnastics") or the child's appearance ("You look sexy in your shorts" or "You have a nice body and ought to show it off"). Abusers might sexualize conversations by telling risqué jokes, showing pornographic pictures or web sites, describing their own sexual experiences, or "teaching" the child about sex.

In contrast, violence is hardly ever used to get a child to comply, and physical injury is rare. Since most abusers want to have ongoing access to their victims, they try to avoid physically harming them because that would leave clues. Instead, more subtle forms of coercion are used to help ensure the child's compliance, including manipulation, bribes, and threats. So a parent looking for physical signs of abuse will most likely not see any.

Phase 4: Maintaining secrecy

Sexual abuse is nearly always carried out in great secrecy. As one abuser disclosed, "Secrecy was a critical weapon both to entice and ensnare my victims." To test a child's willingness to keep secrets, an abuser might begin by asking a child to keep "innocent" secrets.

Here's how one convicted molester tested a child's secret-keeping ability: "I would, for example, swear in front of him. Having done this, I would explain that I should not have done that and ask him to keep my mistake just between the two of us. I waited to see if he did, in fact, keep quiet about the incident. If he didn't, I would then immediately end all attempts at victimizing him. On the other hand, if after a week it was clear that this secret had been kept, I escalated the process. Keeping all of these seemingly minor secrets built up a feeling of equal responsibility and equal guilt in this totally innocent child."

It's pretty easy to get a child to keep a secret; most children willingly keep secrets when asked. By keeping these "innocent" secrets, children often think of themselves as accomplices, making them feel guilty and trapped. Children become so afraid of admitting their role in keeping secrets and breaking rules that they keep quiet.

There are other ways abusers ensure that the sexual activities can continue without being discovered. After they've begun molesting a child, they maintain the child's cooperation and silence through guilt, shame, fear, and sometimes "love." Some abusers will threaten to expose the "relationship" or make the child feel responsible for the abuse. Others threaten to hurt someone or something (a parent, sibling, or pet) if the child tells.

Molesters who have taken nude photos or videos of the child will often threaten to show these materials to others if the child tells. And sometimes children don't tell because they like or love the person and don't want to lose the friendship, get the abuser in trouble, or destroy the family. Uncle Louie threatened to leave the family if Julie told her mother what he had done. At this point, the abuser has enveloped the child in the sexual conspiracy. For all these reasons, very few children tell about the abuse.

Now that you understand who abusers are and how they groom children, you can recognize potentially dangerous behavioral patterns that molesters exhibit before they sexually abuse a child. Let this knowledge be a safety shield you use to protect your loved ones. However, if you miss the signs and discover that a child has been sexually abused, don't blame yourself. Sexual abusers are very good at fooling adults as well as children.

Behavioral Warning Signs of Potential Abusers

Be on the lookout for someone who:

• insists on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, wrestling with, or holding your child even when she/he does not want or ask for physical affection;

• shows a lack of respect for your child's privacy and personal boundaries (for example, frequently walks in on children while they are dressing or bathing);

• seems especially preoccupied with your child (for example, shows up at extra-curricular events where your child is present, lavishes him/her with inappropriate attention, asks excessive questions about your child's interests, habits, schedule, etc.);

• gives your child gifts or money for no apparent reason;

• seeks opportunities to be alone with your child (for example, taking your child for frequent rides alone in the car);

• frequently offers to baby-sit or take your child on special outings or to spend the night;

• shows a "too good to be true" interest in your child;

• shares or asks about inappropriate personal or private information; or

• makes sexual comments about your child or talks about your child's developing body.

In the remaining chapters, you will learn how to prevent a molester from gaining the privacy and control he or she needs to sexually abuse your child. These practical solutions will help reduce the risks and also increase important protective factors to reduce the chance of your child being sexually exploited.

Personal Safety at Home and While Out and About

This chapter offers several suggestions for how you can reduce your child's vulnerability to being sexually abused. Abusers often say they target children who seem insecure, feel unimportant or alone, lack confidence, or have low self-esteem. Perhaps the most valuable parenting tool you have is your ability to love your child.

When parents act in a loving way — showing affection, giving children compliments and avoiding put downs, treating their children with courtesy and respect — their children will feel respected, important, accepted, included, and secure (the five critical needs of children, according to author Gerald Newmark). When these needs are met, children are less susceptible to "being loved" by unsafe people.

Abusers have also disclosed that they select kids who seemed to be starving for attention. Be involved in your child's life; take an active interest in your child's daily activities. Having a parent's undivided attention for even 20 minutes a day will help your child feel important, special, and loved.

During your conversations, listen carefully and with interest to what your child says — both verbally and nonverbally. Nonverbal behaviors — facial expressions, eye contact, posture — can communicate a great deal. Take notice if your child is always talking about a "special" friend, or conversely, if there's an abrupt change in your child's feelings toward someone he previously liked ("I don't want to practice catching with Uncle Mike anymore").

There are a number of other practical actions you can take to keep your children safe from sexual abusers. One way is to teach your children safety rules. Here are ten rules for children, starting with ones appropriate for preschoolers and progressing to rules for school-aged children.

Safety Rules for Young Children

1. I'm the boss of my body. Teach children from a young age the concept that "I'm the boss of MY body!" and that they are in charge of keeping their bodies safe. You can reinforce this concept by letting them decide how they want to express physical affection to you, relatives, or well-meaning others. Adults are allowed to refuse to give or receive physical affection, children should be as well. (See Lory Freeman's It's My Body.)

2. Protect your private parts. To explain the concept of "private parts," you might say to your child, "Your private parts are the special parts of your body that are private. [Private means it's all yours and nobody else's.] Because they're so special, we cover them up to keep them private. So private parts are the parts of your body that are covered up by your swimsuit or underwear."

Teach your children these six body-safety rules to keep their private parts off limits to molesters. Discuss these touching rules with all family members present — incest is difficult in families where there are no secrets.

• It's not okay for a bigger person to touch or look at your private parts (except a parent helping at bath time or a doctor).

• It's not okay for you to touch someone else's private parts, even if they ask you to.

• It's okay for you to touch or look at your own private parts, as long as you do it in private (when you are alone or by yourself).

• No one is allowed to take pictures or videos (movies) of your private parts.