You, Me, And I

* * *

Fire is raging through my body. What the ...? It seems like the clock is standing still, but when I look at it, I can still see the little hand moving with each second. Strange. Certainly, time always goes on; or does it? It seems like everything has stopped except for me. My mind is racing, my body feels hot, but I can see goose bumps on the skin of my arms. What's happening? I feel like I've been sucked into a black hole that's me. I feel a bit scared. What's going on?

Then I hear a voice coming out of nowhere ...

Hello, Hello ... What happened?

Did I really hear that?

What happened?

I hear the voice again. Maybe I don't really hear it with my ears. It's like a voice in my head. But it's there. No doubt about it. Am I going crazy? Am I paranoid? Am I schizophrenic?

I hear it again.

What happened?

I look around to see if someone is standing behind the door, playing a trick on me. I stand up to have a look, but no one is there. Again, I hear the voice.

Hello ... Tell me what happened.

"Uh? What do you mean? Who's there? Who are you?"

You want to talk to me because something has happened.

"Oops, someone must be there. But I can't see anyone. Am I talking to myself? Am I losing my mind?

"Who are you and who says I want to talk to you? I have no idea what you're talking about."

Really? I just noticed you thinking that you're finally ready to talk about all the things that have happened.

"You noticed me thinking? How can you notice me thinking? And who are you?"

You can call me any name you want. It's not important. What's important is that I'm here for you and ready to listen to you. Am I right that you would finally like to talk?

"Uh, yes, that's right, but ..."

Just consider me your best friend. If you don't like it, you can always stop talking to me.

"But who are you, and why can't I see you? I hear your voice but I don't see you. Are you real?"

Oh yes, I'm very real. I'm as real as you are.

"Then, are you invisible?"

No, not really. I'm here.

"You confuse me. I can't see you, but you're not invisible. You say you're here and yes, I can hear your voice. But, I don't understand."

Well, there are many, many things you don't understand or don't know. That doesn't make them any less true. I'm here to help. I'm here for you, always and everywhere, in this here and now and in every here and now, without any exception.

"Now you're scaring me. Are you a stalker?"

No, I'm not. I don't need to stalk. I'm simply here to help you, to listen to you, to comfort you, to just be with you.

If it makes is easier to you, please see me as your invisible friend, although I'm not invisible as such.

I'm here to start a conversation with you, the conversation that you'll record in your book.

"What?! I'm not writing a book, I'm writing down events of my life, my life history. But I have no intention to write a book. What makes you say that I'm writing a book? Who are you? What do you want from me? And, are you saying that you and I can talk although I can't see you?"

I'm not invisible as you'll find out. And you and I are already talking this very moment, so why not talk a little more? Even if you believe that this isn't real, what do you have to lose by "pretending" talking to me? And, by the way, I am real.

"That's really, really weird. You want to talk to me, listen to me? You say you want to help me? I don't understand at all. What makes you think I want your help? What makes you believe I want to talk to you?"

Am I wrong in believing that you would like to talk to someone? Haven't you wished for someone to talk to for a very long time?

"Yeah, that's true, but ..."

And, haven't you begged for someone to help you? Give you a hand? Help you making sense of all that has happened in your life?

"Yes, kind of, but how can I talk to someone who isn't there?"

But I'm here. I'm here. Do you hear me? I'm HERE. You hear me, so I am.

"Okay, sure. Uhm, all right then, I'm not sure what this is, I don't understand, but tell me what this is all about. What do you want from me?"

I would like to hear your story and help you make sense of what has happened in your life, but for now, just tell me what's going on right now and we'll take it from there.

"I'm reluctant, even a bit scared. I still don't understand who you are or what you want from me exactly."

It's time for you to open up and talk. More than that, it's time for you to let go of fear of what others may or may not think of you. It's time for you to dare to be totally yourself. Your weird self, as you call it. Even though I don't believe you're weird at all.

"You think I'm weird? What about this conversation? Isn't this conversation strange at the very least?"

It's only you calling this conversation weird. Those are not my words. It's natural and normal, and I know that, in the end, you'll actually like this conversation. So, what do you say? Are you willing to put your mistrust and your reluctance aside and, instead, just see what happens when we talk?

"Okay then ... this is really, really w ... I mean strange, but I'll tell you what's going on." Many, many things have happened in my life. It's been like a constant flow of endless events that I've had to deal with. Now that things have somewhat quieted down, I feel I need someone to talk to. But this is so strange. I'm still not sure who you are ..."

Okay, I understand you're still a bit confused, but just talk to me. Why do you feel you need to talk right now? You didn't feel the need to talk earlier.

"Yes, I did in a way, but I felt it wasn't the right time."

How come?

"Let me try to explain with a little story ... I'm in the ocean, and although I'm a pretty good swimmer, I'm drowning. I'm sinking to the bottom, but every time I get there, I get new strength and push myself up to reach the surface and take a breath of air. Often I'm just able to take one single breath until the next stormy wave is coming up to engulf me and drag me to the bottom once again.

"Sometimes, people in a boat come very close, and I think they're there to help me get onshore. But then, either the next wave comes and they can't help me because they have to help themselves or, instead of helping me, they laugh and push me down under again.

"And I swim and struggle to get any air in my lunges. Sometimes, I'm not even getting to the surface before the next wave hits me. Other times I can get a few breaths of air before the next thing drags me down.

"Like I said, I'm a pretty good swimmer, but it's a constant struggle to get any air at all and I feel I'm drowning, suffocating. I can't get enough air and I don't get any rest in between. My head feels like it's exploding, my body aches and I'm exhausted from continuously swimming and getting no rest at all.

"The truth is, I don't know how much longer I can go on. At times, I think of giving up. I want to sink to the bottom and simply die. But I don't. No matter how much I want to give up, I'm thinking of those few people in the boat who actually want to help me. I owe it to them to keep on trying, and maybe one day, I can stay on the surface for a bit longer and reach the shore. I don't want to make these people feel sad or guilty because they couldn't save me. I would feel like that would be my fault because I gave up. I don't want to do that to anybody, especially not to the people who really try to get me out of the water.

"So I keep on swimming, struggling, and hoping that maybe one day, I can freely breathe the air around me. Yes, I still have a little hope left and a tiny belief that it will actually happen and that I can get to shore. That, and the knowledge that there are people in a boat trying to help me, is what I'm holding onto.

"At this moment in my life, I have my head out of the water and I'm taking a couple of breaths of air. In the distance, I can see the shore, the end of a hard time. I'm not there yet, but I have hope I'll get there. Now, I can take some time to talk, little by little. Earlier on, I was afraid that talking would be like drowning again, opening my mouth and taking the risk it would fill up with water again. Also, I was afraid that it would be like opening up a tap and spilling out the water in my lungs with no stopping. I couldn't let go, because I was no way near a solution yet. I couldn't rest yet.

"Now that things are going a little bit better, I can take the time to reflect, and try to understand. I would like to talk to someone who may be able to see things from a different point of view, who can help me get the whole picture and bring to me insights that I would have missed on my own. I would like to talk to someone who's open-minded because I realize that many things I'm going to say are pretty unbelievable. Unbelievable, but all true. Well, at least, it's my truth.

"I'd like to talk to someone who's able to think outside the box, who's patient, and who understands that, for me, it's not about what actually happened, but about how I reacted to it and how I still react to it. I would like to talk to someone who can help me find other, better, healthier, and more effective ways to deal with my past."

I believe that I understand what you're saying. Sometimes the only way to get through is to make do, because if you don't, you'll never get there, or it will only stop you or slow you down on your path.

"Yes, exactly."

But why did you choose me to talk to?

"What do you mean? I didn't choose to talk to you. I can't even see you. You started talking to me, remember? I only kind of hear you in my head."

That's true. But you did choose to talk to me. Let me repeat that. You may not consciously realize it, but you did choose to talk to me. You may think this is all a bit strange, but it's not, and you'll get used to it. So again, why did you choose me to talk to?

"I'm not sure ..."

Really?

"Really!"

Well, I know you don't want to hear this, but you actually are sure. You do know.

"Oh, but if you know I do know, then why are you asking? That doesn't make much sense to me."

I think it all makes perfectly sense to you. You just don't really want to admit it to yourself because you believe it's all a little strange. However, it isn't as strange as you may think. There are many things in life that are stranger. And this actually is quite simple.

"Hmmm ... if what I think is correct, then it's simple, but unlikely."

Yes? So ...?

"If I say this out loud, then people may think that I'm schizophrenic.

Which, by the way, I'm not.

"How can I explain? I think I chose to talk to you because you truly understand me. It's because maybe you're me. I'm talking to myself I think."

YES! That's correct. But I'm wondering if you really understand. Can you explain to me how you see this?

"To be honest, I don't understand anything of this. Can you please explain?"

You're talking to the whole of yourself. I know you and you know me. I'm that part of you, like the inner you, your soul, your light, that has all the answers, has all the knowledge about you/me. You don't need to find someone else, as your soul and every cell in your body know ALL there is to know, as it's a part of the ALL ...

"And you'll help me with your empathy, with your kindness, but also with your structural advice and knowledge and I know that, if needed, you'll tell me the harder truth, even if I don't want to hear it. Talking to you (me) is merely a way to access the relevant information and deeper truths that my conscious mind isn't able to find on its own.

"So you could say that you're the part that knows; I'm the part of me that moves, that takes action. I'm the physical part: the flesh, blood, and bones; you're the spiritual side, the soul, the core. You're my higher self. But we aren't separate; we're ONE."

Correct! Yes, that sums it up pretty nicely.

Question for you: knowing this, aren't you afraid that you'll give yourself only the answers that you want to hear?

"That would probably happen if I would talk to only a part of me. But, I believe I can talk to the complete me, who has all the knowledge, wisdom, and experiences. So what my physical me and my ego don't want to hear or understand, the spiritual part of me does understand for me. My spiritual part will guide my physical expression of myself; at least, I hope so. And, if so, then I assume that my spiritual part is wiser and will, therefore, guide and instruct my physical me, even if my physical part tries to resist."

How do you think you'll do that? Talking to the complete you seems pretty weird to me.

"What? What are you talking about now? First, you start talking to me and make it all sound very natural and normal, and now you're questioning it?

You're confusing me.

"Okay, for some reason I think I can talk to you. I believe you're also sometimes trying to confuse me, simply to test me and to see if I'm really up for a conversation like this one we're having right now. I think I have always believed I can access the knowledge of my whole self."

Oh, are you saying that you're not your whole self right now?

"No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that most of the time, I'm only aware of a part of me. I know that I'm more than what can be seen, I know that I'm more than my body, more than my consciousness and unconsciousness. I have access to my whole me. I believe I talked with the whole me before and I know I can do it again."

Okay, let's say you really can. How are you planning to do that?

"Well, funny you should ask because I already AM talking to me! You of all should know that. But okay, I'll explain. From experience, there are different ways to do that. Automatic writing is one of them. Yes, I know, it sounds weird."

What do you mean by automatic writing?

"Sometimes, I sit in front of my computer and it's like the words come without me having to think about it. It's like my fingers type the right letters without me realizing what I'm writing, but when I read it later, it suddenly makes sense. Automatic writing is the process of channeling my higher self directly into writing. To me, this comes naturally, but anyone can easily learn this. Anyone can search the Internet for "automatic writing" and find information on how to do this.

"And while we're on this topic, I think there are other ways to talk to the whole me as well such as meditation and praying or talking to the universe.

"And before you ask, talking to the universe I do by just thinking of something, saying something, or asking something out loud and/or directing my thoughts to the universe or anyone/anything up there or down here that may be able to help me. Actually, I think it's very much like praying. I believe I receive answers by suddenly hearing words in my ears, by picking up a book at the certain page and randomly picking a sentence or paragraph. At other times, I just seem to know things or have visions that make things clear."

Of course, you mean that you have dreams.

"No. I'm not only dreaming. For me, there's a big difference between a vision and a dream. In dreams, I always seem to have a problem seeing things. It's like my vision is blurred, like when I don't wear my glasses in waking life. When I have a vision, all is crystal clear and I still remember details of the vision years later."

Hmmm, all right, you haven't completely convinced me yet, but I'm willing to go with it. If it works for you, then I guess it'll work for me too.

Let's talk ...

Reflection:

• Everyone is intuitive and can experience this in different ways.

• You're more than you can see.

• Within you, when you access your higher self, you can find all answers, if you choose to look for them.

Help, I Need Somebody

* * *

Where would you like to start?

"To be honest, I don't know. There's so much to talk about. I'm actually afraid that after talking to you, I'll find out that I forgot to talk about certain parts. At the moment, it seems like I have to unpack many, many boxes and I don't know where to start."

Okay, why don't you start by telling me what's bothering you right now?

"Even this isn't something easy. There are so many things going through my mind right now. But I'll try to start with something at least. "Actually, I'd like to talk about what scares me at this moment.

"As I told you, I've been through quite a bit and, although things are a lot better, they're far from perfect. I'm doing a bit better than surviving now, but I'm far from really living. At times, I'm afraid I'll never reach that point when everything or most things are okay and I can live and enjoy my life. I know that that sounds pretty negative, and most of the time, I'm a lot more positive. However, in the back of my mind, I'm afraid of having to struggle for my entire life and never reaching that point when I can lean back, relax, and breathe in fresh, clean air."