FRUSTRATION

The first days of the task were very difficult. I thought that I would breeze though this first part of the task. After all, all I needed was to think positive about everything. What I did not understand was the subtle nature of things that pull you left and right. Years of reflexive behavior must be modified with new reactions. Thinking about what is said and what to do about it must take priority. I did not understand this. I did not understand my own limitations of my ability to control my reactions.

I look back at those days and consider the frustration that would build in my mind as I went about my daily activities that included interactions with those around me. The question to be answered is "Why was I frustrated?"

I dissected the conversations and attempted to understand what could have occurred. I needed to comprehend why my feelings of frustration could so often cause me to violate the rules of the task. In an attempt to try to understand I first consider the nature of frustration.

"Frustration is a common emotional response to opposition. Related to anger and disappointment, it arises from the perceived resistance to the fulfillment of individual will. The greater the obstruction, the greater the will, the more the frustration is likely to be. Causes of frustration may be internal or external. In people, internal frustration may arise from challenges in fulfilling personal goals and desires, instinctual drives and needs, or dealing with perceived deficiencies, such as a lack of confidence or fear of social situations. Conflict can also be an internal source of frustration. When one has competing goals that interfere with one another, it can create cognitive dissonance. External causes of frustration involve conditions outside an individual, such as a blocked road or a difficult task. While coping with frustration, some individuals may engage in passive–aggressive behavior, making it difficult to identify the original cause(s) of their frustration, as the responses are indirect. A more direct and common response is a propensity towards aggression."

I think about the details of this description of frustration and how it applies to me. Yes, I can see myself in those words, both past and present. Once again I try to focus my energy and understand.

In Transitions, I focused on the word "love" and how it is misused. I also talked about my understanding of God's love for us. Now I try to focus on what love is and the other contributors to love. For example, in a loving environment, I see kindness, compassion, understanding, giving, and peace. The antithesis of love would be hatred, anger, sarcasm, frustration and self-serving actions. Can I say with confidence that frustration is really the antithesis of love? Perhaps this is not true for the daily application of the word love, but more accurate for the pure meaning of love. I will discuss love more in lesson thirteen. For now, I must look at the cause and effects of frustration in order to determine how to reduce it from my life.

During the period of my thirty days, I worked to complete Transitions and did not take down additional notes outside of what I put within the book. I continued my daily walks, worked on Transitions, and recorded my daily metrics. I struggled with this task. The more I failed, the more I looked at each failure to understand what had occurred. I tried hard not to be frustrated with myself and others around me.

I considered the idea that each failure may be its own lesson for my development and looked for the good in the failure, looking for a way to justify my actions. That led me to the point where I sat and reflected on the lessons of life and what they really mean. I can see myself and what I think I was doing. I was trying to apply my interpretation of life onto others to suit my own needs. What I needed to do was, and still is, diff erent. Again, I ask myself, what is the reason for frustration? I see diff erent components. The first is failed expectations, another is lack of trust. When faced with failed expectations and no trust, conflict is sure to arise. To resolve my frustration and eliminate conflict I must first understand who I am. I must reduce my expectations and learn to trust.

Conflict

At one point in my life, I started work on a proposed paper or book called the War Lord Syndrome. That work could still be in my future. It is a book about conflict. Conflict plays a significant part in our lives. Some have argued that progress only occurs due to conflict and therefore conflict is a good thing. This could be true. Without the conflict of my lack of education and the impact on my work I may not have worked so hard to complete my education. Yet, too much conflict can cause frustration and frustration left unresolved is a problem.

I asked myself another question, "What is the source of conflict?" I can look at the surface of the word and identify different conflicts that exist or that appear to exist. But an issue remains. It is not enough to recognize conflict; I also must understand its source. Conflict is born from a "virus," and I want to discover that "virus."

I recognized that I had started this assessment one morning as I was taking my usual walk.

My brother called me on this morning and we started talking about our family and what each was doing or not doing.

My brother: You seem to be in conflict with him.

Me: Perhaps, it is really up to him on what he does or does not do. The same is true for you or anyone else. The key is to understand conflict and the source of conflict. Do you know the source of conflict?

My brother: I guess it is when you don't agree with someone.

Me: Yes, you can say that, but I try to go a bit deeper. I think about expectations. I expect something of myself and I don't achieve that expectation. When that happens, I have internal conflict. In some cases, that conflict is good. It pushes me to work harder, try harder. I need motivation to stretch the boundaries of my existence. If I set an expectation for myself and I am able to push myself to achieve that expectation, then I feel good with myself. If I set unreasonable expectations for myself that are impossible to attain, and I am met with continuous failure, then the conflict within becomes intense, breeding frustration and impatience, perhaps even evolving to anger. It is at this point that the conflict within starts turning outward. Others see the conflict and they start their own evaluation of my situation. Judgments start: "Look at him. He always sets unreasonable expectations and takes it out on us."

My brother: You used the word "always." That is not one of your favorite words. Why? You also seem to be judgmental of others, "they always ..." Don't you find this interesting, a conflict of itself in your thoughts?

Me: I generally find difficulty in separating my emotions, my thoughts, my words from each other. I understand what it is that I feel inside. I understand the difficulty of doing what is right. As I discussed with Ylliachon, the night we all spoke together, I said: "I try, yet still I fail." He replied, "Try harder."

My brother: This is true, that is what he said. (Chuckling softly)

Me: Conflict takes it roots from expectations. You expect something of yourself. You expect something of others. Someone expects something from you. Someone expects something from themselves. Someone expects something of others. Whenever these expectations are not met conflict ensues.

Take, for example, the Gulf War. In this scenario, the United Nations expected one nation to act a certain way with another. The common perception is that if a nation acts in according to the rules set in place by this multi-national forum, peace and harmony can exist. The United Nations expects that if one nation has an issue with another, that nation can present its case to the United Nations and a decision can be made. It expects that each nation can accept that judgment and act according to its resolutions.

In a continuance of the United Nations scenario, a nation can look on the past of many nations and from that past, determine its best path forward, capturing the lessons of those nation's successes. That nation could establish an expectation that its actions are consistent with past actions and therefore is justified.

Consider that a rule is created. The value and legitimacy of the rule is determined by the creator of the rule and the creator's ability to enforce that rule. An example is taxation. If you, as an individual, leverage a tax on those around you, it could be considered a crime, or extortion. However, if a government leverages a tax, it is considered legal and enforceable. In the individual case, the individual may not be able to enforce the taxation. In the government case, it can access many resources that enable the enforcement of the taxation rule. It is legal because the enforcers of the rule say it is legal; legal regardless whether it is for the greater good of all, or only serves the few. However, this is not a political dissertation. I am simply discussing with you my thoughts on the principles of expectations.

So, in any case, one expectation is that a nation will act in one way, based on the collective agreements of other nations. The other expectation of a nation is that it has the right to look at the past actions of other nations and afford itself the same right of those nations. The nation assumes it may act on that right and that there will be no impact or reaction based on its rights of sovereignty. I will admit that may not be a total and complete analysis of what actually occurred in the case of particular wars. I use it is only a metaphor, a complex example of the results of expectations when they are not satisfied.

There is not much difference in the concept of conflict and expectations when compared to individuals, groups, organizations, or governments, except in the magnitude. For example, consider a case where you could decide to gather your friends together to collect and distribute donations to the needy during the end- of- year holidays. The first rule is created when each person is notified of a meeting place. The second rule is created when you stand in front of everyone and ask them to sit down and listen. This is the way it can start. This is the way that one rule leads to another as the group assembles and defines the goals and expectations for their assembly. If the expectation is that each individual takes a package of donations and delivers that package to a family in need but one individual takes the package home for themselves, then conflict ensues because the expectation of the group to deliver donations to the needy were not met. The more the expectations, the greater the potential for conflict.

Here's another example:

A woman spoke to me about her conflict with her sister. She explained that they could not be in the room even a few hours without arguing. To enable me to understand better the depth of this issue, she explained that her brother had called her and asked if he could come stay awhile. She responded, "Of course." When he arrived, they exchanged hugs and small talk. She then explained to him there were only two simple rules of the house that he needed to follow: Pick up after himself and keep the bathroom clean. With this agreement, her brother stayed in her home several weeks without any conflict.

I listened to her explanation of her brother's visit and the agreement that they made.

Me: "Yes, I can see your agreement with your brother was very successful."

She nodded her head in agreement.

The Woman: "Do you see?"

Me: "Yes, I do. You clearly set the expectations for a good visit. So what agreement or expectations did you set and agree with your sister?"

The Woman: "... I did not"

Me: "No," I countered, "I think you do set expectations for each time you visit. I think you set the expectations to fight and your expectations are met each time."

The Woman: "I guess I did not think of that"

In the case of war, the expectations on both sides are often incorrect. The results are many lost lives on all sides; innocent lives, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, sons and daughters. Men and women lose their lives because expectations were not met. So who was right and who was wrong?

Do you think that God loved any one of the war participants more than another? I know that he does not. Each are loved equally, unconditionally, and with infinity. Right and wrong can change based on the perspective of the individual, or organization with the power to enforce rules. If the one that has the power to enforce the rules is the one that determines right and wrong then it could be argued that what is right is no more truth than what is wrong. The inference is that there is no right; there is no wrong; there is only what is.

For some time, I have worked with people who have read Transitions. They have contacted me to discuss their own transition journeys. On one such occasion, I had been following the conflict of two sisters who continue to struggle with their love/hate relationship with each other.

The Sister: Last night ended badly. My sister probably told you.

Me: No, I have not heard anything. Health or family conflict?

The Sister: Conflict. She was to return mom's ring as she told mom the last time we were together. She said she had just forgotten to bring it. She stayed on with our mom after I left. I knew she was up to something. I know her. Sure enough, she convinced mom the ring was given to her. She failed to remind mom of the other solitaire she has had for months and never wears!

Me: I am sorry for your pain. To reach beyond the pain is very hard. I struggle with the negative energies that tease my mind. I vow to love and let the other things just happen as they will. I am not good at it.

The Sister: I am so at peace here in my home. There is so much love around me. There is no pain or stress here. I am so grateful to our Lord. I can manage. I honor my mother as God commands. Jesus threw the money changers out, so how does a daughter think Jesus will deal with her for deceit and disrespect? Not my decision so not stressed about it.

Me: Please remember, they tortured Jesus and then hung him on a cross by nails driven through his hands and feet. Jesus looked down from the cross and to all of those that tortured, mocked and scorned him, he said, "I love you all." With all of that, and all of his love, why would he love you or your sister less for anything either of you would do or not do? Religious teaching and practice have wielded Jesus like a sword for centuries. How could so many fail to understand the lesson of unconditional love that he taught?

The Sister: I believe the bible not what people make out of it. Do you know they are finding areas of the Mediterranean Sea where in its depths there is proof of a great flood? I saw it on TV.

Me: There have been many floods throughout history. The bible is a book that contains many stories and lessons written within. God does not live in it. The bible has no more power than what you give it. Learn from it the power of love or the power of punishment and revenge. What you learn is your choice. You will never receive the good without the bad. Otherwise there would be no freedom of choice. I know God, I do not limit myself to belief. I understand and know that God is Love and Love is God. Love is why we exist.

The Sister: I know God is real. He walks with me every moment! I've seen how He has moved mountain after mountain. I am never alone as Jesus resides within me, around me, everywhere.

Me: I must apologize. It is just that I don't think you understand. For me, you trivialize God by saying that he controls small things that you do, including the gifts of friends and family. God has given all of us life, isn't that enough? I am trying hard to understand the universe and our existence. It is far more than the claims that many make. I do understand your feelings, or so I think. Please look beyond the physical, try to feel the purity of their love. Miracles can and do happen. Help may be given. But sometimes, we fail to give credit to those that deserve it, those that respond physically and emotionally to your call for help. Those friends and neighbors gave from their own hearts, not because God commanded them to assist, but from their own heart. Rest now. I love you always.