A Pink Ribbon Journey is an honest account of one woman's battle with breast cancer and the spiritual growth she gained because of it. Through her faith she gained peace and understanding despite her many heartbreaks and disppointments. Wendy Clarke openly shares her deepest thoughts, fears and hopes while describing cancer and treatment in sharp detail. Her story is one of finding peace with God in the midst of turmoil and sharing that with others.
A Pink Ribbon Journey
By Wendy ClarkeAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2012 Wendy Clarke
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4634-3619-3Chapter One
Life Before Breast Cancer
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:28-29)
Before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my life had been spiralling out of control. I had numerous problems and issues, which resulted in a deep depression and a unhealthy serving of anxiety. The holiday season of 2007 had culminated into one of the most depressing, confusing and desperate times of my life. This Christmas season was even worse than the Christmas when my father was dying and the Christmas my daughter was born.
Please do not misunderstand. Giving birth to my daughter was an answer to a lifelong prayer, but her arrival into this world was a frightening and uncertain experience. She was born with a rare condition that seriously threatened her life. She was born with a diaphragmatic hernia. At some point during the pregnancy, her bowel had moved up through her diaphragm and into her left lung cavity. The doctors did not even know if she had a left lung. She was given a 20% chance of surviving, and was immediately air lifted to the B.C. Children's Hospital in Vancouver. Her father and I were both shocked and terrified. I was dumbfounded as to why God would give me the daughter I prayed for so much and then just take her away, but God did something amazing for me that I will never forget.
As two female nurses were wheeling me from the recovery room to a private room, I pulled the blanket over my head wishing the world would end. As I did so I heard a masculine voice inside my head say," Don't worry. She's going to be okay." I knew I was given divine comfort, and I hung onto those words until the day she came home all put back together. Through this experience people offered me all the usual kind of clichés, "God never gives you more than you can handle." "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." "Yada, yada, yada." The only words that helped me through this nightmare were the words I had heard in my head. Obviously, Melissa is a healthy girl today and has not had any health issues since. As tough as that Christmas season was, and the Christmas season of 1997 when I watched my father die from leukemia, this Christmas season was my most desperate, and in many ways my most depressing.
Depression is one of the worst realities of the human experience. Depression can cripple a person's life and can destroy families. My depression was no different. My spirit had become crippled to the point I no longer knew who I was, or who I was supposed to be. My family and my life were falling apart before my very eyes, and I was helpless to do anything about it. During my depression, I prayed often throughout each day for some kind of help. All my problems and issues grew larger and larger as each day passed. I was beyond feeling overwhelmed. I was hopeless and desperate.
The first major problem in my life was my job. I worked at a care home as a residential care worker. The clients I served were developmentally challenged, and they were great. What special and wonderful people they were, and I enjoyed working with them. Often they would surprise me by how smart they really were. They taught me much in their own unique ways. My duties included personal hygiene, cooking, housekeeping, laundry, administering medications, and computer work. Sometimes it seemed like such a thankless job, but whenever I felt this way, I would remember Matthew 25:40 "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine you did for me."
This job was an excellent way to serve God. The clients were wonderful people, the wages were good, and the benefits were great as well. Sounds like a great job, but there were numerous problems with this job. In reality, this job was less about serving the clients and more about surviving the never-ending negative politics between staff members and at times, management. Bad politics almost always start at the top and trickle all the way down to the bottom. There really were some excellent coworkers I enjoyed working with, but the majority of the staff were brutal to each other. The atmosphere of the job was one of fear and paranoia. I allowed this job to take over my entire life. All the fear and paranoia I experienced at work followed me home every day. I was exhausted after each shift and all I could do was sleep when I got home.
The most stressful part of my life was the most important part of my life. Like many depressed women, my marriage was in a state of chaos. For three years, I had been broken-hearted about my marriage. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Randal and I had numerous issues between us and a great lack of communication. Like so many couples, we started out so well. We both had a great deal of respect for each other and treated each other like gold. It was terribly heartbreaking for me to accept the fact that we had gone from such happiness to such deep resentments.
Meeting Randal was one of the most exciting times of my life. I was like a lovesick teenager all over again. The butterflies would flutter about in my stomach whenever he was near. He reminded me of my father in many ways, but what really attracted me to him was his sense of humour. I relished his ability to make me laugh, and that made me feel like the world was not as scary as I thought it to be. Randal had made me his priority and made sure everyone knew it. He was everything I had wanted in a husband, and when he asked me to marry him I was over the moon. I was the happiest I had been in years.
The best part of being married to Randal was he had never been married before and had no children of his own. I am no fool. Randal was 40 years of age when we met and I knew he had other women in his past, but I was the chosen one. I was the one he wanted to be his wife, and that made me feel very special. We had many things in common and we both shared a sense of adventure. We were good for each other; each one concerned about the other. I would easily get lost in his big blue eyes and his face would delight me. Every night when we were in bed knowing he was beside me gave me a great sense of security and it was my favourite place in the whole world.
We had evolved from a happily married couple that had great respect for each other into two people that were no more than roommates, no longer getting along and seemingly hating one another. We had grown so far apart and no longer had healthy, open communication. In fact, we no longer had any communication left at all. For a significant period, we did not even share the same bed, and this made me feel extremely lonely and rejected. The place I had felt most secure and my favourite place in the whole world was gone. I still loved my husband too much to give up and I prayed for my marriage all the time. I missed my best friend desperately and wanted him back.
Marriage is a two way street and I played an equal role in our stagnant marriage. One big mistake I made was allowing the stress, fear, and paranoia of my job to come between Randal and me. I allowed my job to affect all aspects of my life and all my relationships. Another mistake I made was spending money. Whenever I felt hurt, lonely, rejected and abandoned I bought "stuff" hoping it would make me feel better, and it did - temporarily. All it really did was cause us financial troubles and added to the already existing resentments. Another cause to my strained marriage was my low self-esteem, or no self-esteem. I had lost all self-confidence I once had. The combination of a stressful job, failing marriage, financial troubles, low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence all added up to depression and anxiety. My depression and anxiety turned me into a hateful, resentful, suspicious and fearful woman no one knew anymore.
My depression affected everyone. It hurt Randal, the kids and my relationships with my mother and my mother in law. I know there were times when I treated my mom as if she was nothing but a nuisance. I often made her feel like I was too busy to be bothered with her. She had moved from Vancouver Island to Fort St. John to be close to her grandchildren and me. I am ashamed I made my mom feel like that after all the good and helpful things she has done for me. The other woman I ignored was Randal's mom, Lydia. I had stopped phoning her and months went by without any communication. Lydia has always treated me like a daughter, and she too has done many good and helpful things for me. I am also ashamed that I ignored her the way I did. I love Lydia very much and although no one could ever take the place of my own mom, she comes as close as anyone could ever get. I love you Mom, I love you Lydia, and I am sorry for treating you both as I did.
For a significant period of time I was genuinely oblivious to the fact that I was depressed. I knew something was wrong with my life and I knew there was something wrong with me both physically and mentally. I had no energy and was only capable of performing my duties at work. While at home, I was far too exhausted to do anything. When I came home from work all I could do was either sleep or sit and watch television. I did not live life; I merely went through the motions of living day after day. I prayed all the time for change. Weeks would pass and nothing would change. I continued to pray and months would pass, and still no change. Still I prayed, and years passed with no change. I was at a complete loss at how to help myself, so I did nothing. Eventually my depression caused me to experience some crippling symptoms.
Every morning when I woke up, I felt a disturbing sensation encompass my entire body. It began in my heart and spread out from there. I immediately regretted waking up. I felt anger and resentment at the inevitability that there is always another day to live after the one I just got through. I would lie in bed and worry about all my problems. I would hope this new day would bring me something I could be happy about. I also hoped for some kind of resolution to at least one of my problems, but nothing. I prayed for some guidance as to how I could help myself. Again, nothing.
Another symptom of my depression that was equally disturbing would follow me throughout the entire day. This symptom physically hurt and was accompanied by a profound sense of hopelessness. I could feel a ball in my gut. This ball was engorged with fear, insecurity and self hatred. This feeling was always strong and it often made me feel like I could lose my sanity at any point. At times, I wished this enormity of fear and anxiety would just kill me, instead of torturing me every day. Trying to deal with the depression and its symptoms was exhausting. Whenever I could not stand to feel them, I ate comfort food. This remedy only caused me to gain weight causing more depression and prolonged my agony - truly a terrible coping mechanism.
My spirit found a new way to cope with my depression, so began my fear/denial pattern. Whenever my problems became too much for me to deal with I denied their existence. I would tell myself, "It's not as bad as I believe it is," or "I'm making something big out of nothing." Sometimes I would think about other people I knew and compared their problems to mine. I would convince myself their problems were much more serious than mine. I would also think about people around the world that suffer through war, starvation, illness, rape and poverty. I was able to realize that I had life good and denied I had any problems or issues. Gradually my fear/ denial pattern began to deteriorate and its effectiveness was non - existent. My depression was something I could no longer escape. I prayed and prayed for God to show up like Superman and start fixing my problems - saving me from my depression - saving me from myself. My prayers seemed to be ignored. "How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts? And everyday have sorrow in my heart?" (Psalm 13:1-2)
Well, God did not show up in a Superman cape and fix my life. Everyday I felt more and more on the edge. I decided to take a good hard look at my problems. I believed if I helped myself maybe, God would start to help me. The first step I took was to look for a new job. I found a new job teaching English and Math at a learning center. It did not pay as much as my other job and had no benefits program, but I had to get out of the negative atmosphere of my old job. I also realized less money would cause more stress for Randal, which in turn would cause me more stress as well. I honestly no longer cared. I gave my two-weeks notice at the care home and have not once regretted my decision.
Although I changed one area of my life, my other problems still existed, as did my depression and anxiety. I continued to pray for change - change that never came. I thought surely God knows how many problems I have and have no one else to turn to. I was getting very close to the end of my rope. I sat down one afternoon and read my bible. While thumbing through the pages I found a verse I had highlighted years prior. I was surprised to find something so fitting to my present situation. "Consider it pure joy my Brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James1:24)
I found little comfort in that passage, and I still had all my problems and a deepening of my depression. I failed to see how my upside down life could be viewed as "pure joy". My depression sank to a dangerous level. I had serious thoughts of killing myself. As each day passed, my thoughts of suicide became more and more real. I decided I would wait until Christmas was over before doing it. I knew when, where and how I was going to end this unbearable misery. Events unfolded and my family found out what I was planning on doing. I felt deeply embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I still feel what I put my children through is unforgivable. Of course, they forgave me, but I have yet to do so. I have promised my family that is something they never have to worry about. That dark time is gone forever! It was the love of my children that saved my life and I thank God they did.
Christmas was fast approaching and Lydia was flying up to spend it with us. I still felt very depressed, and I thought it neccessary to get some anti depressants from my doctor. I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone. Randal was very supportive and we were able to begin honest communication about our issues. Our marriage started to improve and we began to show each other respect again. Both of us were relieved we could start mending our marriage and began to work as a team once again. I believed my life was beginning to improve and I was getting excited about Lydia's visit for Christmas.
One evening before Christmas while at work I noticed a pain in my left breast. It was a sickly ache and it came out of nowhere. This pain would come and go, and I shrugged it off as nothing. The pain continued coming and going for the entire evening, and the next day I still experienced this pain. It would come and go as before. The ache was not going away and I told Randal about it. He felt about my breast and told me he could feel a lump. He pointed my fingers in the right spot and sure enough I too felt a lump. It was a hard lump, not very small and situated behind the nipple. Randal took me to the doctor that day and of course the doctor felt the lump as well. He scheduled me for a mammogram and an ultra sound for the beginning of January. I had two weeks to wait for my tests and hoped and prayed it would be nothing serious, but somehow I knew it would be.
Despite my aching breast we enjoyed our Christmas. Lydia stayed with us for one week and I really enjoyed her visit. I had told her about the lump and ache in my breast and she too hoped it would be nothing serious. Randal and the kids as well as my mom worried about the lump. At times I became very afraid, but at times I was sure it would not be cancer. I do not understand why, but breast cancer was something I was convinced would never happen to me. Breast cancer happens to other people, but to everyone else I am other people. I thought I could get cancer, just not breast cancer. None the less I knew something was seriously wrong. All I could do was to pray my same old prayer for God to do something.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from A Pink Ribbon Journeyby Wendy Clarke Copyright © 2012 by Wendy Clarke. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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