CHAPTER 1
EVERYTHING CHANGES IN THEVERYTHING THEBLINK OF AN EYE
There is a moment ... and its timing is highly unpredictable. Amidthe chaos of resolving new living arrangements, bickering overpossessions, squabbling while separating finances, and doing yourbest to keep a lid on the fact that your marriage is over, it presentsitself. You could be out walking your dog, making a cup of tea,sending a text message, preparing dinner, or chatting on the phonewith your best friend. It's one of those bizarre flashes where, in theblink of an eye, time is frozen and you experience a heightenedsense of awareness. In that stillness, your attention turns inward.You relax and release your breath ... ah, there is clarity. The heavyhaze of break-up shock lifts for the slightest moment, and oneabundantly clear message comes to mind: I am alone.
What happens after this moment slips away is an individual experiencefor every woman. Some let the outside world punch through thatstillness and reclaim its space, slipping back into the familiar, wretchedbrain fog they've become accustomed to. This additional informationonly adds to their frustrations. Maybe it's as though, in this briefflicker of time, a window has opened. Fresh air sweeps across yourface, breathing life into the promise of better experiences to come,a small breather within the mayhem. Did you choose to receive thisinformation and step fully into your new role as a single woman,excited about the possibilities before you? No matter what occurs inthis blink of an eye, it is an incredibly precious moment where youhave come to another life-altering fork in your road of life. You arestanding at an intersection that offers choices. Whether you chooseto respond consciously or simply continue to react, you will continueforward with this new insight, unknowingly or not.
Fifteen, twenty, maybe more than thirty years have magicallymerged into this one instant. Everything you have done, been, seen,and lived has culminated here and now. You are alone. At night, noone is beside you, pressing their body against yours or breathingonto the back of your neck. No one will roll over and hit you withan elbow or steal the sheets. You no longer need to wait for anyoneto come home or to schedule a movie night with. A morning chatsipping tea or coffee before beginning your day is no longer anoption. It's just you ... on your own now.
For many women, the idea of taking over the entire bed soundsinviting. From your perspective, does it feel empty? Errands andresponsibilities are yours alone to manage. Washing laundry, groceryshopping, and tending to children or teens who are continuingwith you on this part of your life's travels are all up to you. Theperspective you bought into during that flash of clarity—whetheryou chose to move forward or continue to react to your newenvironment—illustrates how you are feeling right now.
You're Single Again!
That's right, you are single—the thing you were years ago and dideverything not to be since you completed high school. In my youthand social circle, girls focused an excessive amount of energyattempting to locate Mr. Right, usually as soon as they steppedinto their ninth grade homeroom. Many couldn't even wait thislong, claiming boy after boy as their boyfriend throughout publicschool. We were just babies, but we were already skilled enoughsocially to know how to charm a young man with our girlishqualities, toy with his emotions, and then dump him and go insearch of the next boy to manipulate. Countless women from mygeneration were trained to keep their eyes peeled for Mr. Right,snatch him, get married, and have babies. The role of our captiveswas to take care of us, pamper us whenever possible, and keepus safe.
As seasoned women now, we find ourselves once again mixed upin this crazy game of cat and mouse. For those of us who havedecided that living alone is not an option, we usually go on theprowl for Mr. Right, using the same methods we employed in ouryouth. Many of us crave this perfect man who will fill our needs andbecome our supposed soul mate (however we have defined this).This time, ladies, it's game on!
Back in the day (a phrase one of my best girlfriends uses thatalways makes me laugh), we sifted through the masses of availablehorny guys in hopes of meeting a soul mate. We defined our soulmate as the guy who made us feel significant, and we simplycouldn't stop thinking about him. He was our male complement;he was perfectly in sync with us and just got us. He amplified ourstrengths and countered our weaknesses. This remarkable manwould ask us to marry him, indulge us in a fabulously elaboratewedding and romantic honeymoon, and we would raise beautifulchildren together and live happily ever after. Doesn't that sound likea fairytale dream come true? For some women, this dream doesactualize. However, for many of us, this type of supporting andrespectful relationship doesn't ever exist.
Like many women I knew who grew up in the seventies, my momperpetuated her mother's wish that my partner was responsible formaking me happy for the rest of my life. All moms like mine crossedtheir fingers and prayed that their daughters would be taken care ofby a loving man and find joy in marriage. In truth, happiness is noone's responsibility—other than our own. The fundamental natureof finding Mr. Right, getting married, making beautiful babies, andliving happily ever after was all too often a set up for much biggerdisasters down the road, and no one knew the better.
From infancy, young girls all over the world were, and often stillare, taught that marriage is the ultimate goal. Although those exactwords may never be spoken out loud, talk of babies and futureswith husbands was all it took to solidify the idea that marriage is anecessity. To support this idea further, the media joyfully lines upwedding magazines by the dozen, imposing upon young girls theperfect fairytale dress and the illusion of being whisked away todream land after the best time of their lives.
Marriage is not the only next step; it is only one option, one choice,one fork in the road of life. Yes, there are always those who conceiveit, believe it, and live it, so never underestimate the power of desireand expectation. However, where you are right now as a singleforty-plus woman is perfect—even if it doesn't feel so.
For some women who grew up in the sixties and seventies, marriagewas the furthest thought in their minds. Instead, a career was thefocus. Nonetheless, we were often discouraged from taking thiscourse and led back to the same old story. Sweep us off our feetand let's make babies, please. In my case, making babies was noton my list of priorities. In fact, continuing my education at a collegeor university did not appeal to me whatsoever after walking schoolhalls for thirteen years. I couldn't imagine anything better than real-lifeexperience to learn how everything worked in the world. Myinterpretation of success was to get out there, discover, learn fromothers, and climb the corporate ladder. I can honestly say that mydecision to immerse myself in a world driven by Type-A personalitiesfor thirty years taught me more than I could imagine. Whether youcan see it or not, the choices you have made throughout your lifehave supported you.
As someone who is not easily manipulated or confined by rules,working in places where I felt suffocated allowed me to hone mysuperb people skills. My choices have taken me on a remarkablyinsightful journey of self-discovery and empowerment. In the end,those old teachings from my mother ensured that I, like many otherwomen of my era, always kept my eyes peeled for Mr. Right, Mr.Perfect, and Mr. Make Me Happy. At the young age of fourteen, Ilost my virginity to prove my love for a boy and was soon engagedto be married.
My future was pretty much planned once I agreed to the marriageproposal. My fiancé was to inherit the family farm, and once hisgrandparents passed, we would move into their home and startbuilding our family. This was certainly not my idea of living a joyfullife. At that time though, I couldn't comprehend what I was choosingwas my fiancé's definition of a happy life, instead of my own. Dueto the early teaching passed down from my mother, I had no ideathere were other choices available to me. It seemed I was destinedto live a life that far from excited me.
Then, to my surprise, something incredible occurred. During theyear my wedding was scheduled, my parents decided to move toanother city. I chose to go with them until my big wedding day.This move had its advantages. It wasn't long before young menbegan to approach me, wanting to "get to know me better!" Therealization that getting married was a colossal mistake becamequite clear to me. The truth was that I had only agreed to getmarried because, chances were, I may never be asked again. Afterall, getting married was what I was supposed to do, right? I hadno plans of going to college or university where I would have theopportunity to be introduced to new people. At twenty, we can'tgrasp the idea of how little life we have lived and how many moreexciting adventures there are before us.
Marriage is not the only option, but it was all I could grasp at thetime. Getting married appeared to be the next best step. Can youbelieve I was going to settle? I can. Although your journey mayhave played out quite differently, did you feel like you settled?
Suddenly, I understood that the choices I was making were not inmy best interests, and I made the decision to only make choicesthat made me happy. Soon after this revelation, the next Mr. Rightwalked into my life. He was young and arrogant, and he made mefeel desirable. I enjoyed being seen as a pretty young prize. My eyeswere suddenly wide open. I finally understood that my decision toget married was a set up for disaster ... for me!
At this point in the whole divorce/break-up process, you mightfind yourself thinking, What now? How did I get here? Why has thishappened? This isn't how I imagined my life! You might even think,Why did he have to be such a jerk about this whole thing? The manyou wished for and searched for, who was supposed to be withyou to the bitter end, till death do us part ... isn't. He is alone likeyou—or with some chick he left you for. Either way, you're alone.
Some of you (like me) have even secured your sketchy future withchildren in tow. Thank goodness for the children. At least I am nottotally by myself. I'm not sure I could handle being completely alone.
I can't tell you how happy I am that my son chose to live with meinstead of his father. For me, having to live entirely alone after atwenty-year relationship would be extremely distressing. It's simplytoo much change and too many feelings of abandonment all atonce.
At this point, you may realize that you have no idea who you areanymore. So much of your life has gone by. So many decisions havebeen made without making your own personal growth part of thepicture. You've lived as a we, a couple, or a family for so long that"I" simply doesn't register. I, by myself, with no one to help me, is afear stirring inside as you do your best to comprehend what it's liketo be single again. At night, you look up at your bedroom ceiling andwonder what will happen. How will you do it all alone? What willbecome of you? Who will help you? Who will love you again?
There is so much to accept when you are forty-plus—andunexpectedly a single woman. The feeling that there is no longerany kind of plan can be intimidating. Does the idea of living therest of your life alone sadden you? Being single at this age was notwhat most of us were taught was a normal lifestyle for a woman.So many of us vowed and declared we would never let this happen,saying, "I just can't imagine growing old alone, waiting for someoneto come and visit." Yet somehow it has materialized.
In this newfound singledom, the unknown can be most terrifying.Nothing is familiar any longer. Every aspect of your life has beentossed into the air, and you're left wondering where all the piecesare going to land.
Women from my generation were not taught self-love. Okay, maybesome of us were, but I bet they aren't reading this book! We weretaught to conform—just as the boys were—except with a differentset of rules. So being on your own doesn't feel natural. When youwere married, you had a better idea of where you were, even if itwas in a bad relationship.
Being married was where you were supposed to be because it wasthe next step you were taught to take. Now it appears as if thereis no direction at all. Do you feel lost in the woods and are tryingto find your way home? It's hard to see anything clearly, no matterwhich direction you look. Where is the light? How do I get out of here?Many of you have never been taught how to stand by yourself andtrust. Trust is such a magical word—that feeling of closing your eyesand falling, knowing you won't be hurt. You've always had someonethere to help you make choices—or make them for you. Now it'ssimply you, or possibly you, the kids, and their crazy schedules.Maybe your children have grown and don't need your guidance anylonger. The feeling of security has all but flown out the window.
For goodness' sake ... you're a single mom!
CHAPTER 2
WHO'S THAT GIRL IN THE MIRROR?
I remember the first time I was referred to as a single mom. I almostfell off my chair. Literally! The ghastly incident took place on a firstdate with a man I had met through an Internet dating site. We werehappily sipping our lattes and making idle first-date chitchat when hetossed the nasty at me, referring to me as a single mom! Bewildered,I stared at him. After all, being single was new to me. I had been in arelationship for so many years and didn't realize I had morphed intothis creature that so many referred to as a single mom.
Those two words conjured up a feast of descriptive words for me tochew on. I suddenly felt at risk of judgment from others. I felt aged,worn, and abandoned like scraps of food no one wanted becausethey had eaten all the good stuff first. Single mom certainly didn'tmatch the vision I had of myself, but I couldn't deny it. I was, afterall, a single woman living with a dependent. However, it still felt allwrong. I wasn't scraps! I knew I had terrific qualities to share.
I went home and considered my definition of a single mom. Whatwas my description of this person I had suddenly become? So manyimages and emotions flooded my thoughts:
• boring
• a woman who doesn't spend much time on her appearancebecause she has no one to impress any longer
• tired from having to do everything on her own
• struggling to make ends meet
• miserable
• overwhelmed
• depressed
• poorly dressed (either frumpy or slutty)
• either a man-hater or ready to grab the first guy who comesby and marry him
• insecure
• desperate
Wrong! These descriptions were certainly not how I viewed myself.I had to ask why I had chosen such a definition. Where did it comefrom? Was it even mine? Was it my mother's definition that I adoptedas my own? I tried to recall a single mom in my life who had beenan example of these qualities. I'm sure you will agree that the abovelist doesn't fit you either if you are a single mom. I know many singlewomen raising children who are nothing like this. In fact, they are aninspiration to the courage and strength in women.
I had put on a little weight, but I knew most of it was due tostress and my raging hormones. I had spent years abusing my bodythrough starvation, taking uppers, and experimenting with all sortsof diet programs. It was inevitable that my body would one dayreclaim its curvy exterior and tell me to go to hell. Does this soundfamiliar? How my body looks now isn't something I am settlingwith, but I do respect the way I look as the way I look right now. Iknow everything is temporary. I had to wonder how much of thatweight is emotional. Are the extra pounds actually you waiting forhappiness in your life instead of making it yourself? Is the way youlook now is exactly how you expected to look at this age?
I came to the conclusion that if I met a man who didn't like my curves,he could get lost. I have always paid attention to the way I look. Ilove putting on make-up, styling my hair, and dressing in ways thatcompliment my figure. I feel insecure and overwhelmed most days,due to my work environment and current single situation, but I domy best to ensure this isn't common knowledge. When I walk, I walkwith confidence, or so I've been told. I have never appeared to be awoman with low self-esteem, even though there have been timesthroughout my life where I have experienced self-love anorexia. I havealways believed that a woman who loves herself and is confident issexy. She walks differently, and people take notice. So I did my bestto be that which I wanted to be. Why not fake it till you make it.
