Redemptive DIVORCE
A Biblical Process that Offers Guidance for the Suffering Partner, Healing for the Offending Spouse, and the Best Catalyst for RestorationBy Mark W. GaitherThomas Nelson
Copyright © 2008 Mark W. Gaither
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-0-7852-2856-1Contents
Foreword Charles R. Swindoll............................................................ixAcknowledgments..........................................................................xiiiIntroduction.............................................................................xv1. Suffering or Divorce? Finding a Way Out of the No-Win Scenario........................12. "The Marriage Is Over!" What Does that Mean?..........................................173. The Biblical Divorce..................................................................354. When Love Has to Get Tough............................................................535. Putting Divorce Proceedings into Perspective..........................................716. A Team, a Goal, and a Plan............................................................917. From Gethsemane to Glory: A Personal Word to the Redeeming Spouse.....................1118. The Dangers of Grace..................................................................127Appendix 1: Repentance Inventory.........................................................141Appendix 2: Preparing to Live Apart......................................................143Appendix 3: Monthly Household Expenses...................................................145Appendix 4: Documents Checklist..........................................................147Appendix 5: Preparing to Respond.........................................................149Appendix 6: Priorities for Negotiating the Settlement....................................151Suggested Resources......................................................................154Notes....................................................................................155About the Author.........................................................................158
Chapter One
Suffering or Divorce? Finding a Way Out of the No-Win Scenario
"I don't believe in divorce." As Diane responded to the pleas of her non- Christian friends, the waver in her voice dignified her desperate resolve. Some might have even called her convictions heroic. Her husband of sixteen years, however, had demonstrated all too clearly by his love of alcohol and rage that he did not share her perspective on marriage. The sacred covenant she entered as a young woman had become his license to drink and hurl insults with no consequences. And after a thousand broken promises and countless wasted hours in counseling, Diane was at the breaking point. For the sake of her children's safety and sanity, and for the survival of her own withered soul, something had to change. Unfortunately, her family, her church, and her own Christian conscience spoke in heartbroken, anguished accord: "I don't believe in divorce."
Diane's resolute trust in God's goodness had sustained her in the midst of her trials, but the hopelessness of her situation became clearer after two conversations: one with her friend, Marge, and the other with her pastor, Ron.
Stand Up and Get Out!
Diane quietly ate her lunch as Marge picked at her salad. After a long silence, Marge looked up and said, "I haven't been to Sunday school since I was a child, so I don't know much about God. But I don't see how a marriage like yours is something He would find very pleasing."
Marge had been married to her high school sweetheart for more than twenty years and enjoyed the kind of relationship that Diane had long since given up hope of having. "Do you think it's God's will for you to live this way?" She rested her elbows on the cafeteria table and stared intently into Diane's eyes.
"No," Diane replied patiently. "God isn't pleased with a lot of things on earth, but that doesn't mean that I should answer Gary's sin by committing another sin, like getting a divorce."
"Sin?" Marge looked incredulous.
"Marge, I know you don't see marriage the way I do, but I believe that Gary and I entered a sacred, unbreakable covenant on our wedding day. The Bible says, 'God hates divorce.'"
Marge looked down, shook her head, and then put a sympathetic hand on Diane's. "Honey, Gary's in love with alcohol, and he's never cared for anyone but himself. He's already broken your covenant. Look, I don't pretend to know as much about the Bible as you, but I do know something about marriage. I completely believe in commitment. I said, 'For better and for worse,' and I meant it. But it seems to me that choosing to be Gary's doormat and allowing him to live however he wants only makes a mockery of what you hold sacred. Sounds like to me you're okay with him wiping his feet on you and your vows. You're treating your covenant as badly as he is."
Anger flashed like lightning in Diane's chest. She had never been accused of dishonoring her vows before. In fact, she had been universally praised for her steadfast commitment through the worst of circumstances-a rare and precious reward in an otherwise thankless life. "How am I guilty of dishonoring my covenant?" she snapped.
Marge sat back in her chair and let the moment pass in silence. Then she asked, "Does the Bible teach that you and Gary are equals in the marriage?"
"There's a lot of disagreement in churches, but I believe that Gary is supposed to be the leader and I should follow him. And if he could lead, I would want to follow him." Diane laughed. "That's probably the last thing a feminist would want to hear, especially from the wife of an alcoholic."
"No, but that's not what I mean. Does the Bible teach that you and Gary are equally valuable?"
"Well, of course!"
Marge leaned forward again. "Do you think God approves of how Gary treats you?"
"You know He doesn't."
"You must think He does. Because what I hear you saying is that the vows you made before God make it okay for Gary to hurt you without having to face any consequences. If God wants you to clean Gary's house, cook his meals, care for his children, and play the 'good wife' for the sake of his career, and if leaving him is a sin ... well, it seems to me that God likes Gary a whole lot more than He likes you. At least that's how you're acting."
Echoes of Al-Anon meetings-months of them-reverberated in Diane's head. She felt confident that she had pushed past denial, but now ... Had she merely sanctified her inability to defend her own dignity as a person?
"Diane, I love you," Marge said, "and I really do respect your beliefs. But your vows-at least the way you see them-have become a prison and you're letting a madman hold the keys. I just can't believe that God thinks as little of you as you think of yourself. I can't believe that refusing to accept Gary's destructive behavior is something God would consider a sin. Not if He loves you."
Diane wiped her tears with a napkin. "I know I'm worth more than how I'm treated, but I want to do everything I can to save my marriage. I just don't know what to do right now."
"I can understand that, but what about your kids?" Marge lowered her voice and said urgently, "What do you think this is teaching them? What kind of husband do you think Sean will become after watching his dad get by with this kind of behavior?"
Diane shuddered at the thought of her son becoming like his father.
"And what kind of husband are you encouraging Anne to choose? If not for the sake of your own dignity, then for the sake of your children, get those keys back and get out of that torture chamber you call a marriage!"
Tears rolled down Diane's cheeks as she tried to keep a sob from escaping. She couldn't deny the truth coming from her non-Christian friend. Certainly the Lord wanted something better for her, but she thought, If marriage is "for better or for worse," isn't this "the worse"? If marriage is "in sickness or in health," isn't Gary's addiction a disease?
Don't Give Up!
Diane's instinct told her that Marge was wrong, but her friend had made some valid points, so she made an appointment to talk with her pastor, Ron. He was well aware of Gary's drinking, his verbal assaults, and the emotional war zone he had made of the household. Pastor Ron had been in regular contact with the couple for the better part of three years, meeting with them personally, arranging professional counseling, encouraging them, teaching them ... everything a pastor could do, Ron had done to the point of exhaustion and exasperation.
He and the other leaders of the church stood by Diane countless times as she applied "tough love," refusing to help Gary when he was drunk, taking the children to a friend's when he became verbally abusive, even compelling him to attend counseling with her. But every breakthrough or turnaround proved to be nothing more than a clever con game. Eventually, Ron and the church leaders accepted that only a miracle would change Gary, so they shifted their focus to helping Diane cope.
Diane could plainly see that her situation broke Ron's heart. Empathy laced each word as he spoke. "I'll be honest with you, Diane; I don't understand God sometimes. And situations like yours take me back to the Scriptures again and again for reassurance that what I tell you is right. And every time, I come away with the same answer. Divorce is not an option in your particular situation. If it were up to me, I'd tell you to end the marriage, enjoy your freedom, and heal from this awful mess. But if you're asking me what the Bible teaches ..." Ron shook his head and sighed.
Diane pleaded, "So the Bible says Gary can cheat on me with the bottle and destroy our family-as long as he doesn't sleep with someone else?" She desperately hoped to find a loophole in the contract that held her captive.
"Like I said, I don't understand why the Lord allows evil to continue. I just know that He loves you and that He is right in all His ways. And I cannot ignore what Jesus said."
Diane searched Ron's eyes and saw desperate authenticity staring back at her. As a man of the Book, he would not allow his personal feelings to invalidate the call of Scripture to obey. Diane slumped forward and said, "I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know if the damage already done to Sean and Anne can ever be undone. And it's only getting worse."
As Diane began to sob, Ron motioned for his assistant to come. She put her arm around Diane and squeezed her tightly as he pulled his chair closer and looked intently into Diane's eyes. "God has promised that He will not allow anything more than you can endure, which is not to say that your burden will be easy. We all have our crosses to bear, and this one is yours. Remain steadfast in your promises to Gary, and let the Lord honor your faithfulness in His time and in His way. And who knows? Your husband may be 'won without a word.' All things are possible with God, Diane. Don't give up. We're with you no matter what happens."
At that moment, Diane felt like something died within her. She wasn't quite sure what it was, and perhaps it needed to die. She felt some relief in the truth of Ron's words, but he clearly didn't understand the gravity of what he was asking her to do. And he would not likely approve of what she planned to do next.
Christian Limbo
Diane found herself hopelessly trapped between two intolerable options: pursue a divorce without clear biblical support or continue to endure a life of unrelenting misery. Neither choice resonated within her as "right," yet neither embodied the values she had studied in Scripture most of her life. To make matters worse, conversations with her friends and family brought more confusion than clarity. Choosing to honor one godly principle inevitably put her at odds with another. It's a no-win scenario faced by thousands of conscientious followers of Jesus Christ who presently suffer in dysfunctional or dangerous marriages.
A person can endure this no-win scenario for months, even years, but not forever. As James Dobson so eloquently put it,
The human mind cannot tolerate agitated depression and grief indefinitely. The healthy personality will act to protect itself in time, throwing off the despair and groping for stability. One method by which this is accomplished is by turning pain into anger.
Given enough time, people in situations like Diane's reach a breaking point and often make destructive or unwise choices. And the intensity of their emotional backlash can be frightening, especially against the offending spouse and anyone who had encouraged them to "remain faithful to their vows." Feeling forsaken by friends, family, church, and even God Himself, some abandon themselves to an adulterous affair and desert their families, ironically giving their sinning spouse biblical grounds for divorce. Many others eventually decide that while God may not approve of their divorce, they cannot continue to exist in the moral limbo to which they have been relegated, and they choose what they consider to be the lesser of two evils: a divorce that their loved ones and church friends do not support.
To be perfectly fair, leaders in Christian ministry face the no-win scenario on a grand scale. For them, the implications extend far beyond the suffering of just one person and his or her family. Also at stake are the institution of marriage and the authority of Scripture.
Protecting Marriage
For many decades, Christian pastors, teachers, counselors, and sociologists have lamented the steady, undeniable erosion of marriage and feel compelled to shore it up, even if it means that some individuals must suffer. As the divorce rate climbs, church leaders elevate the institution of marriage. The more the world profanes marriage, the more sacred it becomes in the minds of those who defend it. As more people freely discard the marriage covenant at will, the response has been to proclaim the inviolable, unbreakable nature of the one-flesh bond more fervently and more rigidly than before. This progression has escalated to the point that we now place such high value on marriage that we are willing to sacrifice almost anything to avoid divorce, including the safety and spiritual well-being of individuals. This may explain the disheartening results of a survey conducted by James and Phyllis Alsdurf. They questioned pastors to determine when they would support a battered woman's decision to separate from her abuser.
One-third of the respondents felt that the abuse would have to be life-threatening. Almost one-fifth believed that no amount of abuse would justify a woman leaving, while one in seven felt a moderate expression of violence would be justification enough. The remainder interpreted "occasional" violence as grounds for leaving.
However, only two percent of the pastors said they would support a divorce in situations of violence.
We must ask ourselves, was man made for marriage or marriage made for man? Are we becoming guilty of venerating the institution of marriage over its original design, like the Pharisees obsessed over the Sabbath? (Mark 2:27) Have we lost sight of the purpose of marriage in God's ultimate program to make us more like Christ? As one minister's wife discovered, having no way to address her husband's cavalier attitude toward his sin inevitably gave Satan an opportunity to poison her heart.
My husband is a pastor, and a little over a year ago, he had an affair with at least one woman. He may have sinned with other women, but I can't be sure. He only admits to what he's been caught at. Still, he constantly reminds me how I need to be obedient to God's word and how I should respect him no matter what he has done. Yet all I can think is, Were you obedient to the Word of God when you were committing willful sin against me, your congregation, and your God? He doesn't care about obeying God. He only uses the Bible and guilt to keep me in line and avoid talking about his own sin.
I know what the Bible says about divorce, and I don't want to divorce him even though I know I have the right to. But I'm not staying in the marriage because I love him. Frankly, I don't anymore. My children love their father, his congregation respects him, and everyone would be devastated if I exposed him for what he really is. He doesn't want a divorce but only because he doesn't want the expense and the embarrassment. Plus, he needs someone to keep his house and raise his children.
I don't like feeling this way. I hate the bitterness and resentment in my heart, but I can't get rid of these awful feelings. It makes me literally sick sometimes, and I feel like I'm not the person I once was. But I don't want to go through the rest of my life with this unforgiveness and anger. I'm afraid it will turn into hatred.
Sometimes I think getting divorced would be better. Staying married to him only keeps me from being the wife I should be, and I can't keep myself from the sin of resentment and bitterness. How can I possibly submit to him or respect him as a leader? Everything I read and all of my family and friends say that divorce is wrong. But why did God permit it in some situations?
I am so tired. I'm tired of being confused. I'm tired of trying to love someone who only loves himself. I'm tired of trying to be a good wife for a man who doesn't even know what one looks like. I don't know what to do. Please pray for me.
Linda
While this pastor's wife struggles to remain faithful in her walk with Christ, her faithfulness to her vows (despite her husband's sin and arrogance) has become a spiritual liability. This should never be!
Obeying God's Word
For Christian leaders, the debate over divorce also impacts the authority of Scripture. Jesus, when asked about divorce, stated that a husband and wife "are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate" (Matt. 19:6) and "Whoever divorces his wife, except for [sexual] immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery" (Matt. 19:9). The interpretation of these words is a proving ground for how one will interpret and apply Scripture in general. And it's a particularly difficult issue because it seemingly places two of God's primary attributes, love and righteousness, in direct contention.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Redemptive DIVORCEby Mark W. Gaither Copyright © 2008 by Mark W. Gaither. Excerpted by permission.
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