Relationships are a fundamental part of life. They can motivate us, help us grow, and direct us to be who we are and do the things we do. They can bring joy, meaning, and purpose into our lives. But if you're in the wrong relationship-one that's dysfunctional or just with the wrong partner-they can also be a source of frustration, pain, and unhappiness. Relationships are our great teachers. By inspiring us to ultimately focus on the relationship we have with ourselves, we can create great relationships with others. Dr. Mark R. Naim brings a holistic approach to relationship dynamics. In his work with countless couples and individuals, he inspires his patients to ask the big questions, in an attempt to get them to understand all the factors that influence the formation and health of their relationships. When you understand what's really happening, you are in a position to make healthy choices that work and create changes for the better in your life. The key to creating the relationship you want can be found by asking three fundamental questions: Who am I? Where am I going? Who is going with me? As always, to find the right answers, you need to ask the right questions.
Relationships
By Mark R. NaimBalboa Press
Copyright © 2012 Dr. Mark R. Naim
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4525-0662-3Contents
1. Introduction.................................................xi2. Reasons for Relationships....................................13. Key Relationships............................................74. Influences and Attitude......................................135. In the Womb..................................................176. The Early Years..............................................217. Beliefs and Vows.............................................248. Letting Go of Beliefs........................................389. Nurture to Nature............................................4210. The Emotional Structure of People...........................4311. Mechanics of a Relationship.................................5712. The Physical Structure of Relationships.....................6213. Relationship Breakdown......................................7214. Repair of a Relationship....................................7415. The Strength of a Bond......................................7816. Your Relationship with Yourself.............................8317. Knowing Who You Are.........................................9818. Help and Guidance...........................................10019. Forgiveness.................................................10520. Your Relationship with Spirit...............................11621. Questions and Reminders.....................................12222. Summary.....................................................12423. Meditation..................................................12924. References..................................................131
Chapter One
Reasons for Relationships
This chapter (and all the others) is based on all my study, from evidence that is available from multiple sources, plus of course my own experience. The ideas that follow are what I have come to believe is true.
Basically, the substance of the universe—the glue that holds it all together—is love. Before we are born into this physical world, we are all intimately part of this love, this creative energy. Without the flow of this loving energy, we (and the entire universe) would cease to exist.
For us to exist in physicality and come into being as people, it is required that we seemingly separate from this love. I say seemingly, because we never really do. It is an illusion that we need, in order to exist as individuals, with free will.
However, before we choose to separate and be conceived and born, we have the ability to choose what we need to experience in the life to come—for our continued growth as beings, and for the perfection of the physical world.
To help with this, we set up agreements with ourselves, and other souls. These agreements (or contracts) form the basis of the major relationships we will have in the life to come and the circumstances that arise from them. I think that if we understand this, everything that happens subsequently has meaning and makes sense.
We are also given certain skills to help us. This includes our intelligence, personality type and natural abilities. It also includes our intuition or ability to energetically assess other people, and the ability to receive all the help that is made available for us.
In addition, before birth, we are specifically required to forget everything. Part of what has to happen is that we come into this world without any recollection of where we come from or which agreements have been made. This is so we can use the attribute of choice.
Choice
We must be free to exercise choice in this world and to experience the consequences of our choices—including those that come from relationships.
If we were born knowing what was going to happen to us, life would not hold any challenges. We would forfeit the chance to grow through overcoming these challenges, and that would make existence meaningless.
Having choice is not the same as being in control. Control is usually fear-based. By trying to control everything in our world, we actually impose a cage or set of restrictions on ourselves, and this limits our experiences, and therefore our development and growth as human beings. What we need to know is that control is actually beyond control.
We can choose to stay in openness instead, and embrace the unknown at all times. In this way we open ourselves to the abundance that life offers, and the unlimited possibilities that exist.
The most foolish thing in Life is to give up choice. Choice and Power—they are the only two things in life. Not Love. Love is the quality of the manner in which you conduct yourself. —Deepak Chopra
We will come to know who we are through what we choose in this life.
Discovering Yourself
Perhaps the most important reason for having relationships is to discover (or re-discover) who we are. The goal is to live fully and vibrantly as human beings as an expression of who we are in this physical world. I have described other ways of finding out who you are later in the book, in chapter 17.
But for now, in light of the above, when considering relationships a key requirement is to ask the following:
1. Who am I?
2. Where am I going?
3. Who is going with me?
And the important thing is—not to change the order.
The answers to these questions can guide you, and place you in a much healthier position to choose an appropriate partner or fellow traveller for yourself. They may share the same vision or goal, but if (more likely) they don't, they will have qualities that will help you to learn and be who you are, and assist you to go where you need to go. The rest follows and can be worked out.
In an ideal world, this would be the way to go. And yet, even if someone who is apparently not the right one enters your life, he or she will still help you learn who you are—if you are open to that.
It may be more of a rocky road than a smooth one, but it is still your road, and the result (of helping you to become more of who you are) can be the same.
There is also another, more reflective approach. Rather than asking: "Who shall I choose to come with me?" you could ask the question, "Who has been chosen for me, and why?"
This approach can leave you open to guidance, and the question enables you to step back and choose more wisely and objectively than you may have done otherwise.
In life, and in relationships, it's important to keep things going well by going where you are meant to go. If you're not going where you are meant to go before a relationship begins, then you may not ever find out where you are meant to go afterwards—and the relationship will almost certainly go nowhere.
What this little play on words means is that we had better not give up on who we are in order to make a relationship work. If we do that we will lose who we are, and the relationship will not work anyway. You cannot abandon yourself in order to find yourself.
"To thine own self be true" becomes a working framework that can't be ignored. It is necessary to have the ability to be your own observer and be aware of how and why you do the things you do, think the way you think, and feel the way you feel.
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. —Bernard M Baruch
Once you are clear about the above, then it becomes easier to ask what the real purpose of having relationships with others, is.
Relationships work best when you always do what is best for you—this realisation is a life-altering insight.
* * *
Key Relationships
We need to look more closely at why we have a few very special relationships in our lives. What is the point? How come they are special, and so important? Why do we want these relationships so much? Why have them at all?
Do we have them to help us heal our wounds, or to help heal someone else's? Do they exist to provide meaning and purpose in our lives? Do we need a witness to validate our feelings or thoughts (or even allow them)? Do we have relationships to fill a sense of aloneness or emptiness, or to give us a sense of where we belong? Do we just need to feel safe with another? Do they exist to give us a steady platform and feeling of security from which we can go out into life?
Do we need another to experience the giving and receiving of love, to remind us of where we come from, and to feel alive? Do we need another to reflect back to us who we are being at any one time?
Do we have to be with someone else to feel special, or feel connected with humanity?
Relationships can be about any or all of these things, of course. Remember that as souls, we all come from a place of oneness, where we are all interconnected. Therefore it's not that we can choose whether we want to have relationships; they are inevitable. What we can choose is the particular type of relationship that suits us at any one time, one that helps us to become more of who we are, and less of who we are not.
The following is an often-quoted and beautiful short essay, by an anonymous author:
People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. One way or another, when that need has been met, it becomes time for you to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real.
But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
I would say in addition:
The purpose of any healthy relationship is to provide a safe space in which to experience who you really are. Experiencing who you are is why you are here; it is the purpose of all life.
Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again. —Joseph Campbell
Finding yourself is achieved through what you put into a relationship, not what you want out of it. It is in the giving of who you are that you will benefit from the best experience a relationship has to offer.
Remember this: you can't change someone to suit your apparent needs in a relationship. They will always revert to their natural character sooner or later. If a relationship was created on that basis, it is not likely to survive, at least not meaningfully.
It is in the safe space of a relationship that we can look at our discomforts and our fears, and work on them. The energy that guides and looks after this, is love. In general, it is much easier (or more acceptable) to hear something about ourselves that needs attention, from someone who cares for us and has our well-being at heart.
In addition, we often attract into our lives those who mirror the energy we are putting out at the time. So if we are feeling insecure about ourselves, we may attract into our lives someone who feels the same way. Their presence will force us to address that particular issue.
Troubled relationships can therefore be the sign that something within us needs attention. If we don't learn a lesson the first time around, the person involved will probably move on. We are then likely to attract (or be attracted to) exactly the same kind of person the next time, until we learn what we need to learn. Once learned, we are free to move on.
In the space of any relationship, as you receive feedback about yourself, the ideal behaviour is to stay in that space and not ignore what you are being told. Welcome the thoughts and feelings that arise in response, and then explore options to deal with them. This is not always easy; we will inevitably have our "hot buttons" pressed, and we may want to "shoot the messenger"!
It is useful to remember however, that you (as an individual) have all the tools and resources you need to deal with every challenge that will arise in life. It is a matter of understanding, trust and faith, until experience confirms it.
This then is the canvas on which we paint our lives, with all the relationships that will be part of it.
Whatever relationships we have, with whatever opportunities or challenges they bring, once they have achieved what they were meant to and we complete a contract, that part of us is in balance or healed, and we move on.
I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive. —Joseph Campbell
Influences and Attitude
Before we look at what specific influences come into our lives, it is worth making some general comments.
There will be influences that come into our lives to which we are obliged to respond. These influences can be opportunities that excite us and are close to our passions, or they can be stumbling blocks that cause us to experience various difficulties. Relationships are one of the ways in which these influences are provided.
To recognise what these influences are, to be able to work with them and see what needs attention and what doesn't, we need to develop the ability to be our own observer. We have to learn to be able to "step outside" an issue and distance ourselves from what is happening, and ask ourselves constantly what the reasons are for what we are experiencing.
"How come this is happening to me? What am I being asked to learn?"
When we can look objectively at what is happening around us and to us (and continuously make corrections to our thinking and behaviour), this allows us to (metaphorically) be in the driver's seat of our life, and not in the passenger's seat.
To do that, we need to be able to recognise and meet our own resistance, and take action. Resistance is, in fact, a subconscious avoidance strategy—most likely to avoid facing what we fear. Taking appropriate action can be difficult to do effectively all the time, but doing this is the path to achieving the most amazing and rewarding results in your life.
Remember the laws of the universe:
"That which you resist, persists. That which you fight you make stronger. That which you look at, disappears. What you focus on, grows; whatever you judge, you will become. —Anonymous
When we stay with our feelings or thoughts and play with them, try to suppress them, or collapse into them, we give them a life that demands time and energy from us. This distracts us from our real purpose and function. It is like trying to keep a balloon under water. It takes constant attention and energy; as soon as we become distracted, the balloon pops up, and we have to go through the whole process of pushing it down again. This can be exhausting.
We always have free choice—to follow our thoughts, collapse and become them, or to stay still and let them come and go. We are not our thoughts; we are not our feelings—we are who we are. —Brandon Bays, founder of The Journey Organization (Reference 1)
If we understand that we are not our thoughts, nor our feelings, and we merely let them come and go, then we remain connected to our true selves, our essence. This enables us to be grounded, strong and centred in the moment.
Truth loves you so much that in each moment it gives you the opportunity to choose whether you follow your thoughts or stay still and let them pass through. —Brandon Bays
It is, therefore, always better to welcome whatever uncomfortable experiences and feelings come your way, surrender to them and fully experience them. In this way you can come to understand that they have no power over you unless you give them that power. This leaves you free to be yourself.
Struggling through life's terrors is the key to true liberation; these terrors are life's great teachers. Liberation is not an end in itself, but a pathway to the deepest essence of self. —Gaby Burt, The Journey
In the Womb
If this is the general plan, how does it all unfold in reality?
After conception, the first relationship we have is the one with our mother, during the period of gestation in the womb. This world is rich with energy of all kinds.
The emotional environment that the developing baby experiences whilst in the womb matters very much. There is no doubt that the mother's emotional state whilst pregnant has a profound effect on the baby—as well as all the usual factors, including biochemical, physiological, and genetic.
It is possible to take a person back, using guided imagery or similar techniques, to the time before they were born. In this state, the person can experience the emotional state that was their reality in the womb.
You can do this yourself. Sit in a quiet place, close your eyes, take your awareness into your body, and pick a strong feeling that you find there. It may or may not be a feeling you are very familiar with; it doesn't really matter. Starting with that, gently take your awareness back down through the years, noting whether or not this feeling was present at each age. Sometimes one isn't sure—again that doesn't matter. Just keep going. Some feeling will always be present.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Relationshipsby Mark R. Naim Copyright © 2012 by Dr. Mark R. Naim. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
