CHAPTER 1
HEARING YOU SAY THAT, I FEEL ...
Hearing you say that, I feel hurt. Hearing you say you want me to come over tonight, I'm feeling afraid to disappoint you. Hearing you say you felt neglected, I'm thinking, "I wish I'd been there when you got home from the emergency room."
Telling someone how you feel after he or she expresses something important builds intimacy and connection. Most of us have a somewhat limited vocabulary when it comes to expressing our in-the-moment feelings, so we are more likely to offer an automatic or habitual response than to connect heart-to-heart. We're more likely to explain or defend ourselves when someone expresses anger, rather than letting the other know how we feel hearing her displeasure with us. Or when someone gives us a compliment, we're more apt to reply with a quick comeback, rather than openly receiving and registering that person's words.
Your mate tells you he's going to a meeting tonight when you'd been hoping for an intimate evening together. You feel disappointed, but instead of revealing this in a way that allows him to see you and feel you, you come back with, "You always need to be on the go, don't you?" Then you complain about "not feeling heard" or "not being seen."
Most of us have a somewhat limited vocabulary when it comes to expressing our in-the-moment feelings, so we are more likely to offer an automatic or habitual response than to connect heart-to-heart.
Your son comes home from school bragging about how well he did on an exam. You continue doing whatever you had been doing and, without looking up, reply: "That's great," or some other stereotypical response. What if instead you connected with him on a feeling level? "Hearing that you scored at the 90th percentile, I feel so proud of you!"
Your mate tells you about a tough interaction she had at work. In an attempt to be supportive, you automatically go into "fix it" mode, offering ideas about how she might have handled it differently. What if instead, you simply responded, "Hearing you say your coworker went over your head again, I feel upset. I'm really glad you're talking to me about it"?
Revealing feelings the moment they are occurring is a rather advanced communication practice. It's an option that simply does not occur to most people because most of us grew up in families where people ignored one another's essential humanness. Most of us long to be seen, heard, and felt by those closest to us, but we learned a long time ago to settle for less, suffer in silence, and carry around a lot of unhealed pain and resentment. If we could all learn how to respond on a feeling level to each other, our adult relationships could be a source of tremendous healing. Couples who have worked with me, for example, report that learning how to connect with feelings using the seven keys has shown them how to satisfy each other's unmet childhood longings in their current relationship.
Healing Childhood Wounds
As a longtime couples counselor, I have found that most couples enter marriage with the unconscious agenda of healing themselves through their relationship. At some level we know we have been emotionally wounded due to the insensitivity of our early caregivers. Most of these caregivers were well-intentioned but had little training or guidance in responding to human emotions.
It's not too late to transform our adult relationships into vehicles for healing the past. The way to do this is to practice the language of feelings. To assist you in identifying your feelings, take a look at the list of feelings and sensations below — noting which ones you have an easy time expressing and which are difficult or foreign to you. As you read through the feelings list, imagine yourself using the phrase "Hearing you say that, I feel ..." followed by each emotion or sensation on the list. Notice how your body feels as you express these various feeling words. Notice your emotional tone as you report various sensations.
Most couples enter marriage with the unconscious agenda of healing themselves through their relationship.
FEELINGS
I feel anger or I'm angry at you for ... (something specific that the other said or did)
I feel sad
I feel disappointed
I feel happy
I feel appreciative
I feel resentful
I feel hurt
I feel upset
I feel numb, frozen, shut down
I feel anxious, uneasy, nervous
I feel expansive
I feel furious
I feel awed
I feel afraid
I feel shocked, stunned
I feel curious, open
SENSATIONS
I feel heat, cold
I sense tension (in my eyes, face, jaw, hands)
I sense contraction in my body
I sense relaxation in my body
I feel warm (in my belly, my heart, my face)
I feel agitation
I feel excitement
I feel nauseated
How We Learn to Ignore Feelings
People experience sensations and feelings all the time, but they may have learned not to pay attention to their inner world. As a youngster Jim felt pain when his mother directed or corrected him using a harsh tone of voice. He learned that it was less painful to simply tune her out and turn off his feelings, so he got into the habit of saying "Okeydokey" as his automatic response. Now as an adult married to Janine, when his wife asks him to do something that he has not already thought of, he takes it as a criticism, goes on automatic, and replies, "Okeydokey." Such a response communicates to Janine that he is not paying attention, and she gets louder and more strident in an attempt to connect. Jim feels resentful, but appears stoic.
What if he could let her know that her tone bothered him? What if he told her, "Hearing you say I need to paint the door in that tone of voice, I feel irritated"? This statement might not be pleasant for Janine to hear, but she would know that he was paying attention. She'd feel more connected and less abandoned, and she might even become more aware of her tone of voice.
Dealing with Unconscious Reactions
Some people feel hurt or angry and don't even realize it. Mary's husband Bruce tells her, "I'm going to bed now." Mary feels disappointed. She was hoping for a longer evening together. But does she tell Bruce this? No, her fear-of-rejection button has been triggered so she goes on automatic: "You're always so tired! We need to get you to a doctor." She avoids her own feelings and instead makes it his problem ("You're always so tired"). Instead of saying "I want ...," she uses the more impersonal and safe form, "we need to." And she creates even more distance from him and from her own truth by generalizing about him ("you're always ...").
What if she told Bruce, "Hearing you say that, I feel hurt. I'm thinking to myself that maybe you don't care about me as much as I care about you"? Can you see how this might lead to a more sensitive and real conversation? Hearing how she feels, he knows what's bothering her, so he can address it and perhaps reassure her that her fears are unfounded. Instead of accumulating more unfinished emotional business, they could clear the air and come back into the present with each other.
Using "Hearing you say that, I feel ..." to frame your response keeps your communications responsible. You're taking responsibility for what you feel, not telling others how they should be. You're "staying on your own side of the net" — a metaphor for speaking only about what you experience rather than telling others how they feel or what they should be doing differently.
As long as she's talking about Bruce's tiredness, she's masking her real feelings. She's not talking about herself — she's over on his side of the net — making it his problem. Bruce feels mistrustful of her remark but isn't sure why. He senses that she's upset, but she hasn't given him anything real to respond to, so he says nothing and goes to bed with an uneasy feeling. They get up the next day feeling distant and cold toward each other.
When you connect with your feelings, this instantly focuses your attention on what is real and present, which leaves a stronger, more palpable impression on others.
If Mary knew how to respond with "Hearing you say that, I feel ... hurt," she would have come across as more hear-able and feel-able to Bruce, more real and present. She is in her body, not in her head. She's making stronger contact. When you connect with your feelings, this instantly focuses your attention on what is real and present, which leaves a stronger, more palpable impression on others.
Mary is feeling hurt. Her hurt was triggered by her partner's actions. It is important to her relationship that she feel and express her upset and not avoid or repress it. Otherwise, she has no way to clear the air and no way to connect with Bruce in a genuine way. By revealing her pain, she is staying connected to Bruce. When she withholds or tries to bypass her feelings, this leads to feeling disconnected from him.
When you use this key phrase to help you embrace your pain voluntarily, there is a certain power and grace to that act.
When you use this key phrase to help you embrace your pain voluntarily, there is a certain power and grace to that act. You are bringing the light of conscious awareness to your feelings and sensations. You are affirming that you are okay just as you are. Being present to pain is an act of self-affirmation and self-empowerment. You'll feel stronger and more resilient when you do this.
Enhancing Emotional Connection
Terrance says to Shayna, "You look pretty in that outfit." Shayna could come back with an automatic response like, "Well, I hope so. It cost enough!" Or she can respond on a feeling level, meeting his eyes with hers: "Hearing you say I look pretty, I feel pretty. I love it when you notice what I'm wearing." Again, can you see the difference between an automatic control pattern and a present-centered feeling response? Feelings offer the pair a chance to really connect, heart to heart.
You have a choice between a reply that enhances intimacy and one that fosters superficiality or distance. Most people unconsciously choose the more superficial response. This dilutes the impact of their communications.
In most interactions with loved ones, you have a choice between a reply that enhances intimacy and one that fosters superficiality or distance. Most people unconsciously choose the more superficial response. This dilutes the impact of their communications. Of course, there may be times when a more superficial comeback is appropriate; but if you want to build a strong bond with someone, stronger contact is usually the better choice.
Learning to Flow with Change
One reason people avoid expressing uncomfortable feelings is they assume that by expressing a feeling, they are giving it too much importance. In actual fact, the opposite is true. If you express a painful feeling, shining the light of awareness on it, it's likely to become lessprominent in your attention, not more. It becomes easier to let it go. It is when you keep your thoughts and feelings hidden from view that they persist and become magnified in your mind.
In my workshops, there are moments when two people are beginning to engage in dialogue and then one or both will quickly escape from genuine, perhaps uncomfortable, contact by going into a generalization or a story only remotely related to the here and now. That's when I try to bring them back into present time using this key phrase. I'll ask Partner A to state a feeling he is experiencing in relation to Partner B. Then, before B can escape into a story or a theory, I request that B simply pause, take in what A shared, check in with herself to see what she is experiencing right now, and then respond with, "Hearing you say that, I feel...." Then A does the same thing — listens, pauses, notices his feelings, and responds. When partners do this for a while, it's amazing to see how feelings can deepen and how the sense of connection can grow, simply by staying in the ever-changing present moment.
So besides keeping partners present and increasing their emotional contact, another benefit of this exercise is that it shows how easily feelings can change from moment to moment. If you give yourself the space to feel and express what is now, what is in the next moment will usually be different. In addition to helping people learn to be more comfortable with highly charged feelings, this exercise also helps them learn to trust that when they become conscious of and express a once-hidden feeling, that feeling is likely to change or transform.
Facing Up to Conflict
If you are feeling angry at someone for something he has just done or said, using this key phrase can give you a safe structure for expressing it. It helps you move past any temptation you may have to minimize or avoid conflict. The reason most people avoid conflict is they don't trust themselves to deal with their differences constructively. They fear doing damage to their relationships.
Using this key phrase can give you a safe structure for expressing disagreement. It helps you move past any temptation you may have to minimize or avoid your differences.
In my couples counseling work, I teach couples to fight fairly. The process begins with one person expressing a "beef." A beef is something you're not happy about, stated as something your partner did that triggered you and what your reaction was: "When you_________, I felt_____." Then I will instruct the other partner to reply with\ "Hearing you say that, I feel. ..." This keeps the listener from going into an explanation or a defensive reaction. After this the partner with the beef is instructed to reply using "Hearing you say that, I feel...." Then partners keep going back and forth like this, beginning with the phrase "Hearing you say that ..." for a few minutes. As they do this, they discover that simply sharing one's feelings about what the other person just said can be immensely healing. Here is an example:
JORGE: I have a beef to clear with you about the number of times you have started to talk before I'm finished. I felt irritated when you said, "Wait a minute, that's not quite it!" while I was telling Tom and Margie about how we got such a good deal on our new car.
PATRICE: Hearing you say that, I feel angry.
JORGE: Hearing you say that, I feel cold toward you.
PATRICE: Hearing you say that, I feel afraid.
JORGE: Hearing you say that, I feel connected to you.
PATRICE: Hearing you say that, I feel relief.
JORGE: Hearing you say that, I feel soft toward you.
PATRICE: Hearing you say that, I feel soft toward you and sorry that I said, "Wait a minute."
JORGE: Hearing you say that, I feel appreciation, and I feel forgiving toward you.
PATRICE: Hearing you say that, I feel grateful — grateful for your forgiveness and grateful to you for telling me about your beef.
JORGE: Hearing you say that, I feel complete. I feel open and loving toward you.
It can be tempting to react to someone's anger with a counterattack or an explanation rather than a feeling. But if partners will agree to use this simple phrase, they'll avoid the all-too-human tendency to become defensive or long-winded. Defensiveness and long-winded explanations dilute the quality and potency of your contact. These are examples of controlling, not relating. The key phrase "Hearing you say that, I feel ... "is a discipline to keep you relating to each other.
It can be tempting to react to someone's anger with a counterattack or an explanation rather than a feeling.
I always feel moved as I witness two people listening, really checking in with themselves, and then sharing feelings. I can feel their tentativeness, their excitement, their aliveness. It's not easy to stay within this structure for such a long time, but the results are worth it.
DO TRY THIS AT HOME
Ask someone you know to try this exercise with you. Sit face-to-face. Notice what you are feeling. Take turns speaking about how you are feeling right now about this relationship. In responding to the other, express your feelings about what was just said to you, beginning with the phrase, "Hearing you say that, I feel...." Respond only to what you just heard and what you now feel after hearing this. Once you have expressed yourself, notice what you feel now. If you notice that your feelings have changed after you have expressed them, remember that this is natural. Try not to get stuck in the idea that you should remain "consistent" in your feelings. Feelings change after being expressed.
Allow the conversation to be completely spontaneous. Both people should be open to being surprised, not just by the other, but by themselves as well. When partners do this exercise, using the phrase "Hearing you ..." as "training wheels," their communications tend to arise from a deeper level of their being, showing that you can let go of the need to explain or defend, be uncertain of where you are going, and still radiate confidence.
