Secrets of Strong Couples

Every relationship, every couple has a story to tell.

In some iterations of poker, players get to toss out the cards that they don’t want and replace them with others from the deck. When people in relationships lay their cards on the table, they don’t get replacements. They can either lose—or find a way to win.

The couples who persevere through life’s most difficult trials find a way to play those cards they are dealt—together. They gather their chips and stay at the table and prepare themselves for the next hand.

In The Five Core Conversations for Couples, we took a broad look at the basics of successful relationships—how to identify, manage, and push through the primary quandaries that most couples face at one time or another. In these pages, the digging here is deeper. We tackle issues and mine holes that many couples cannot climb out of or solve and are unable to escape.

Have you ever thought about it? How do they do it? How is it that some relationships not only survive but even thrive after a crisis, while others wither and flame out because of a bad weekend or a seemingly benign disagreement? How did Mary and John’s marriage survive their son’s death? Sam had an affair, yet he and Jennifer seem happier now more than ever. Even though Janice is an alcoholic as well as addicted to pain medication and has been in and out of rehab for several years, she and Joe made it through and are still together. The Thompsons have a transgender teen; Annie was open and understanding, but Jack shut down, got angry, and wouldn’t talk about it. No problem. There they are—holding hands and taking nighttime walks together.

Most of us have heard the term “widow-maker” in reference to a deadly heart attack. A widow-maker can occur when the major descending artery that serves as a pipeline to the heart gets blocked and the heart stops beating. The way for cardiology patients to avoid a widow-maker is to have a bypass procedure to get the blood flowing around the blockage. Working through a traumatic injury to a relationship seems to require the same sense of urgency, the same need to find a way to bypass the issue, fix it, and move on.

The two of us thought a lot about these couples and their relationships. We wondered about all those questions and how it was that some people were able to avoid the relationship widow-maker and successfully navigate that bypass. Then we went out and did what we like to do: We talked to people. We were often saddened by the stories, but at the same time uplifted by their tenacity and courage. There also turned out to be an unexpected consequence of the many hours of conversations—they turned out to be a two-way street. Julie and I got much of what we were looking for—some insight into how these couples made it through, their relationships damaged and listing in some cases, but still afloat. And for those who shared their stories, it was often cathartic, a deep breath released. They felt better after opening up, letting it out, and telling their story.

There is pain in these pages, plenty of it. At the same time though, there is also resilience and determination. There is loyalty and courage. There is love. It is our hope that you will find comfort in these stories and experiences and the strength to push your relationship forward even in the toughest of times.

We talk a lot about our ‘Three C’s to a Successful Relationship’: communication, connection, and consistency. When we did not communicate, our relationship faltered. When we went our own way and ignored what was going on with the other, our relationship was weakened. When we were inconsistent and not available to the other, when we ignored the other’s feelings and opinions, our marriage was in distress. But when we paid more attention, talked more, and connected consistently, we were able to repair some of the damage we had inflicted on ourselves, get closer again, and put ourselves in a better place to move our lives forward.

All of the couples in this book experienced trauma and discord, stretching and fraying of the ties that bind relationships. The similarities that each couple has shown are simple and direct. All of our couples found a way to communicate and connect. A great deal of that was drawn from their faith, their belief in a higher being and a divine plan. These couples ultimately found a middle ground, and even solace, not only in each other but in a strong core belief in God.

Our couples all expressed a need to protect each other, a desire to stay connected and find the best in each other. For some couples, it was sex and intimacy that helped to keep the relationship engine running. Others turned outward for someone to help them find their path and move forward, in therapy, couples counseling, or faith-based support. Each couple found a way to mend and repair the damage and overcome the hardship that the relationship had endured, be it an illness or addiction, infertility or gender conversion, a meddling parent, the uncertainty derived from ambiguous loss, a cheating spouse, or even the death of a child.

“I will take you, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I will love and honor you all the days of my life.” We all recognize those words, we are familiar with these vows. Many of us have repeated them ourselves. We also know that saying them is a lot simpler than being true to them. The fact is that not all of us can honor our partner and show them love every day. To be fair, most of us don’t. But what these couples and their stories show us is that while on some days we may fall short of those vows and our commitments, that does not mean that the buzzer has sounded and the game is over. There is still time to find our way together, to put in the work to understand each other, to show patience and be respectful of each other. Like the couples in this book, stay strong through the stresses and have the courage to stand up to challenges and fight through the failures. Keep the faith even in the darkest of nights. After all, if they can do it, why can’t we?