CHAPTER 1
Why I Wrote This Book
My original idea was to create a 'how-to' guide to counter cruising. However, along the way, I developed a sense of writing and a storytelling style that was pawsitively genius! Who knew! My naturally witty repawtee blossomed and my snout quivered in slack-jawed amazement. The anecdotal woofs spewed forth like slobber from a Mastiff's jowls. Therefore, the "how to" of counter cruising evolved to include my intimate views on love and life as well, 'cause I'm a 'lovin' life' kinda guy! And to know me is to love me. All one hundred and five gloriously fluffy pounds of me! And so, fellow fur-bearers, while reading this book will no doubt bring new meaning to your own life and renew your commitment to love, please keep in mind that it is first and foremost an instruction manual on counter cruising. I feel strongly that counter cruising should come as naturally as chasing the cat. We're all born with this talent. My hope is that with a little guidance from me, you'll be the star of the bar, so to woof ... er ... speak.
When I first started thinking about how good I am at counter cruising, I realized I needed to share my talents with all dogs. There are so many unfortunate guys and gals out there who haven't realized their natural cruising skills or developed effective techniques. I knew in my beautiful Bernese heart that I needed to enlighten and encourage each and every one of you. It behooved this Bernese Mountain maestro to conduct the symphony of snarf.
Thanksgiving 2009 totally solidified the idea of sharing my knowledge. My family and I were hosting Thanksgiving dinner for some wonderful friends. My good buddy, Gus, a handsome Landseer Newfoundland — may he rest in peace — came along with my Auntie Linda as well. We had a great time romping around, sniffing the turkey-scented air and enjoying the beauty of being dogs. So it comes time for dinner to be served and get this — Gus and I were relegated to the laundry room! I know, right? And boy, were our tails torqued! So Gus and I had to make the best of a bad situation. We lay down in the laundry room and started woofing about humans and food and cats and stuff and I said, "HEY! I know something we can woof about!" And so began my first impromptu counter cruising class.
We only had about an hour so I went through a fairly accelerated course. Prior to that very day, Gus had never been a counter cruiser, but he was eager to learn. After coffee and dessert were served, we were finally paroled from the laundry room and Gus put his new talents to the test, marching right over to a dish of cat food. You should have heard the hoots and hollers from his mom. As I calmly observed the entire ruckus from my spot outside the kitchen, I watched as Gus flanked left while his mom zigged right. Homedawg made me proud! Gus got most of the cat food snarfed before his eventual capture. And he remembered what I taught him about attitude. He sashayed away with his head held high.
As he was about to pass me, I couldn't help myself. I high-fived him. We didn't actually touch paws, I just raised my paw to him as a gesture of victory. The humans all thought that was one of the cutest things they'd ever seen. But it was serious business for me, though. The boy did me proud that day. It still brings a tear to my eye thinking about that very special Thanksgiving. I'm tellin' ya, a counter cruiser was born that day! When he left us for that big dog park in the sky, he went secure in the knowledge that he brought honor to all dogkind by becoming the best counter cruiser he could be.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is how I came to write this book. It has truly been a labor of love for me to become a mentor to all dogs, big and small, in the ritual of the cruise! It is an honor for me to become your teacher and I will be deeply humbled by your success. I hope you find it informative and helpful. This manual will be dog-eared, if you'll excuse the pun, for years to come. That is, if you don't grab it and shake it and rip it and chew a few pages!
I dare hope, gentle readers, that your human may also gain new insight into our intricate canine psyche. It would please me tremendously if they learn a lesson or two that would enhance their lives as well.
Your success is my success. I'm taking great pride in this book and I intend to take my role as mentor/professor as serious as a Rottweiler on guard duty! I'm just a dog with a dream!
CHAPTER 2
Good Dog/Bad Dog
My friends, we all come into this world as a good dog. You were brought into your family because you were wanted. You stay within your family because you are loved. You get chin scratches, belly rubs, smooches and snuggles because you're so stinkin' cute. You are a "good dog." Face it; you are a total package of joy wrapped in fur. It's up to you to remain that total package to your human while still pursuing your own interests. You, boys and girls, have the power to keep that look of love burning in your family's eyes. Really, it's not that hard to make them happy and keep them like putty in your paws. Be the best good dog you can be and when your inner "bad dog" assumes control of your fur, you've got yourself some warm fuzzies in your love account to take the edge off any human's anger and disappointment.
When you hear your human say "good boy" or "good girl," doesn't it make your butt wiggle? You are man's best friend, a woman's trusted confidant, and a child's most adored stuffed animal ... and don't you forget it!
We are such wonderful creatures. Even God can tell you that. Did you know that there's not one mention of a cat in the Bible? It's true! So we're already ahead of the game with God on our side. And did all y'all ever notice what God spelled backwards is? Alright, for you Airedales, it's DOG. And again, who do they say is man's best friend? That's right ... a DOG! You've all heard that saying, "Dogs come when they're called; cats say take a message," and it's true, my friends. We are the ultimate 'people pleasers.' You experience this every day. Ounce for ounce, pound for pound, we make life a holiday just by showing up.
Now I know some of you breeds have a bad reputation. A few bad biscuits have given you folks a bad rap. But I'm here to tell ya that you Dobermans, Pit Bulls, Rottweilers, and German Shepherds have hearts and souls that want to be as good as any of us. You need to rise above that bad reputation. Try to smile when you meet humans. Show the world what sweetie-pies you can be and make life grand for everyone, including you! And don't be afraid to hug. Humans love that. I like to wrap one of my front legs around one of my mom's legs to let her know how much I love her. It's also insurance for me that she'll stay close by. It's the little gestures like this that will build up your love account. How do I spell lovable? B-A-K-E-R!
Now, some of you are just plain incorrigible. And you know who you are so I won't point my paw at you. But listen up, dawg, you can change that behavior. Take the first step from bad dog to good dog by admitting you have a problem. Let your inner love puppy blossom and you will be amazed at how freeing it is and how endearing you'll become to folks outside of your family circle.
Also, 'bad dog' is a relative term. Humans react differently to us in different situations. Believe it or not, my own dad will call me a bad dog for getting up on the sofa to settle in for a little nap or some snuggle time with my mom. But maybe in your home, your humans understand that the sofa is there for all members of the family and you may even be encouraged to haul your furry butt up there. Lucky you!
Here's another example: I've always been taught not to jump on people because I'm a big strapping Bernese Mountain dog and quite possibly could flatten someone. So I must practice restraint and I do it with grace. However, we used to have this neighbor who was about seven feet tall. He would slap his chest and tell me to jump up and give him some love. What was I supposed to do with that? I really liked the guy and I always had fun with the love-jump, but honestly, it was hard for my Berner brain to remember that Mr. Seven Feet Tall was the only human I could do that to without hearing the dreaded "bad dog." (FYI for you Sheepdogs, our neighbor didn't actually have seven feet. That would be creepy.)
I also like to sit on my mom's lap, but if I try it with my dad, he looks at me like I've sprouted a second tail. I get yelled at if I bark and chase the UPS man, but I can tell you without a doubt that if someone was breaking into my house they'd expect me to be woofing like Pawvarotti while tearing into the burglar like a jaguar on a hyena. I'll hear the ghastly "bad dog" if I chase one of my cats and yet if the deer are strolling through the yard, Dad sends me outside and expects me to act like the border patrol. When I bark at the doorbell ringing, they tell me to use my inside bark. Sometimes it's just too much for my Berner brain to keep it all sorted out!
Now, I want you to know that I like being a good dog. When I hear my mom tell me what a good boy I am, my heart melts and I puff up with pride. But let's face it, I'm a dog. My consistency rate has improved with age but it'll never be perfect.
My best advice to you is to use good judgment with a sweet disposition at all times ... except when your human wants you to behave like a trained assassin or specifically tells you to do something a bad dog would do. And trust me, they'll let you know. Ah, humans! They are ever so confusing. There are just way too many gray areas where they're concerned and I wish they'd come with an instruction manual. Maybe one of those books on tape. And I'd really like it to be narrated by James Earl Jones because I think he turned in a stellar performance as Mufasa in The Lion King. Just sayin'.
I understand that some of you dogs who are reading this book may find the whole good dog/bad dog thing a little too simplistic. So, for my more cerebral friends, here's how you can sound it down for yourself: The highly regarded canine psychoanalyst, Carl Jug, (a Jack Russell-Pug) developed what he called the shadow archetype. Our canine shadow archetype is simply our bad dog persona. It's a real diagnosis ... right paw up to God!
CHAPTER 3
Finding, Developing, and Refining Your Inner Cruiser
Think of this book as your blueprint for planning and carrying out the most important and personally rewarding of all dog missions. Don't look at it as the misappropriation of food or thievery. If you can't release yourself from that guilt trip or if you're just a basic good dog, this book is not for you. Put the book down and go fetch Daddy's pipe and slippers. My condolences on your recently departed courage. (Can you say wimp?!)
Now for those of you still here, I want you to succeed and if you stick with me, I'll show you how. You also need to know that 99 percent of what I'm going to share with you comes from personal experience. They are tried-and-true methods that have worked for me. Some are fairly easy to execute and some require a bit of stealth and cunning. And just so you know, I did not become the Sultan of Snarf overnight, so don't be too hard on yourself if it takes you awhile to master these techniques.
Let's face it, not all dogs are created equal. Some of us are more obedient than others. Some of us are more extreme people pleasers than others. Some of us just don't give a woof about doing what we're told. We can be barkers, woofers, whiners, howlers, or yappers. We come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. We have long, short, curly, kinky, silky, or fluffy fur. Most of us shed. We play, we sleep, we fetch, we snuggle — and like any of God's creatures — sneezing, snorting, burping, and farting are a given. And let's face it, some of us just like to fly our freak flag* way too often! We like to lick our private parts in public, attempt physical relations with perfect and not-so-perfect strangers, eat poop, and perform butt scoots on nice carpet . Humans think these behaviors are socially unacceptable. I'm not lyin'. They'll tell ya these things are wrong.
Yes, we are many and varied but we all have one thing in common: we LOVE to eat! For a lot of us, two or three meals a day just aren't enough. We need snacks. And I'm not talking about the occasional dog biscuit that we get for performing like show ponies. Geez, we burn more calories doing the silly tricks than we can replace with a measly biscuit. I'm talking about bulk and substance. Most dogs just can't help themselves when it comes to between-meal snacks, or between-meal casseroles or between-meal deep dish pies or between-meal legs of lamb ... but I digress. The point is we have to do whatever we can to supplement our food intake because humans just don't come through for us. We need to get our paws on as much as possible, as fast as possible, with minimal collateral damage. That, my dear friends, is what I'm about to teach you in this simple 'how-to' guide. It's so easy even a Cocker Spaniel will get it. Okay, no offense to any Cockers reading this, but honestly, some of you guys are not the crunchiest biscuit in the box. Just sayin'.
So let's get down to business. We all have an inner counter cruiser. Reaching inside your fur and finding that dog is incredibly liberating. Forget about the hurdles that may seem insurmountable. Forget about the consequences that you've been taught to fear. Free your mind of everything but the score and you will succeed. I call it 'getting into the zone.' When I'm completely connected to my inner cruiser, I visualize the hunt, the snarf, the enjoyment, and final reflection of the mission accomplished. I urge you to try this technique. Become the cruiser you are meant to be with mental imagery and pawsitive affirmations. I'll woof this again: be the kinda dog I'm talking about and you'll become the kinda dog you'll be proud of!
The development of the counter cruiser doesn't happen overnight. One hurdle you must overcome is the fact that humans do not like it when we counter cruise. They teach us from puppyhood that trying to eat the Fed-Ex guy or sticking our snout in grandma's crotch are bad dog things. And we hate to hear that. But my friends, this is one of those times when you just gotta say, "I am Cruiser, hear me howl!" And you have to be willing to follow your true quest and your taste buds.
Refining your counter cruising technique is very important. What I mean by this is that you have to develop speed and finesse. And once you begin any mission, you also have to know when and how to blame others, including but not limited to the cat, another dog, any small children living in your house, and the occasional delivery or repair man. You need to know when to abort a mission that's going bad and you must master the look of innocence that says, "What? Who me? I can't believe you think I'd do something like that! Hey, let me help you find the culprit!"
Your goal is to make a game plan and follow through with it. And for you Labrador Retrievers, by game plan, I don't mean fetch the Frisbee. Review any failed attempts you've already made and find out where you went wrong. Mentally break it down and put it back together. Likewise, review your successes and put those techniques to future good use.
Do you know what the Blue Angels, Troy Polamalu, and Jon Bon Jovi all have in common? They practice! They are constantly challenging their own skills to increase their levels of success. I'm always trying to improve my game. It's called progress, ladies and gentlemen, and that is what this book is all about.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to become the best of the best, the cream of the crop. So, settle in for more information on the subject near and dear to each and every one of us: counter cruising.
