CHAPTER 1
Ground Training Exercises for Midlife Change
Whether you're 44, 64, or 84, you're a survivor. Don'thide away in your house, just watching year afteryear after year slip by. Do something. Be active.There's a reason that you're still here. Live likeit.—Martha Bolton, Cooking with Hot Flashes
An experienced trainer starts a young (or restarts an old) horseby having her learn exercises from the ground; that is, the trainerworks near the horse using a halter, lead rope, and/or driving reinsrather than just throwing on a saddle, tightening the cinch, jumpingon, and hoping for the best. Ground exercises teach a horse to becalmer, more confident, and agile. Horses who learn basic groundexercises in a step-by-step manner usually progress faster, are safercompanions, and exhibit less stress than those who have neverlearned the basic principles of thinking and being in a horse/humanrelationship.
We too would be well-served to explore some basic exercises forchange at midlife. To make the kind of clear-minded change that willallow us to restyle ourselves will require courage and grace, agilityand tenacity. To effect significant and lasting change, we may needto develop some new skills and remind ourselves of the strengthswe already possess.
The following are ways of thinking that are basic to a change ofmind-set. They are not in any particular order, as change is not alinear experience. Just like the ground training exercises for horses,these exercises are not new. Most are common sense and havebeen around in some form for years. It does help to see them alltogether, where their usefulness to you can be evaluated.
Exercise #1: Challenge Your UACs
The concept of Unidentified Automatic Commitments, or UACs,comes from the worlds of coaching and psychology. Being willingto examine our UACs is essential to change. If we don't look at ourunexamined beliefs, we may not even realize that we're in a rut. Weall have UACs, some useful, others outdated or even harmful to ourgrowth and happiness.
UACs are such basic components of our thinking that we seldomquestion whether they are useful. We pick them up from parents,teachers, religious leaders, the media, and life experiences, andwe believe them to be unquestionably true. They are cherishedand unchallenged, our convictions and conclusions about the waythings are. Many women around midlife feel the need to dust offthese automatic commitments and see whether they are still helpfulor merely excess baggage.
William Bridges, in his well-known book Transitions: MakingSense of Life's Changes, talks about this process, stating that "weperiodically reach the point where an attitude, a belief, a style ofresponding to challenges, a goal or a dream for the future, or anassumption about others—that served us well up to that time—simplyisn't what we need for the future." Certainly not having toevaluate our beliefs over and over does save time, but often thoseunquestioned expectations about our lives and especially ourfutures are detrimental to our growth, and we need to reexaminetheir validity.
UACs can have a negative effect on our ability to get unstuckin life. By midlife we've accumulated a head full of thoughts andtheories that would not stand up to a fact check and might even bedestructive. For instance, if a woman thinks midlife equals a sharpdecline in mind and body, she will be much less likely to exerciseor challenge herself intellectually. Based on such a UAC, she mightlogically conclude, "What's the use? I'm never going to be strongor intellectually active again." If she is sure that she is destined topoverty, she will be unlikely to do anything to change her financialstatus. If she considers her riding days to be over, she will certainlynot buy a new pair of riding pants.
Luckily for us midlife is a perfect time for examining our cherishedtheories about the way things are because our brains are uniquelyequipped to handle this kind of rethinking. In The Secret Life ofthe Grown-Up Brain: Surprising Talents of the Middle-Aged Mind,Barbara Strauch writes that new studies suggest "it may be the verynature of how our brains age that gives us a broader perspectiveon the world, a capacity to see patterns, connect the dots, even bemore creative." This describes a brain that's ready to challenge itslong-held beliefs and begin to let go of what no longer serves its bestinterests. It does not describe a brain in decline.
An insightful horsewoman and biologist, Devony Lehner, wroteto me that she has observed that we often go through life thinking,We've got everything covered, all wrapped up, no loose ends—untilsomething happens. The good news is we don't have to wait until"something happens" to repack our saddlebags and discover newroutes to our goals.
Getting Started:
• Challenge yourself to take a fresh look at your beliefsto see if they are still helpful or holding you back. Makea list of some of your unquestioned assumptions aboutyourself, life, and the future so you can see them in blackand white. Better yet, write them in color. Are there solidfacts to back up your conclusions, or are you relying onsomething Aunt Bertha told your mom thirty years agothat you just assumed was true?
• Question even the things you are sure are true. The goalis to get out of the rut of automatic thinking and look atpossibilities.
• Notice your thoughts before you even get up. When youconsider the upcoming day, do you assume you're goingto feel good? Have energy? Think clearly? Be playfulor creative? If not, why not? What would happen if youmodified your beliefs to include some of the new researchthat shows that your thoughts play an important role inhow you experience life?
Exercise #2: Act as If ...
This powerful tool can make change so much easier. It may seem alittle strange at first, but it's worked for me and many other womenwho want to do something meaningful but difficult.
Getting Started:
• Tell yourself, "Today, I'll act as if I'm full of energy." Thendo what you think someone with energy would do for thatday—or even that hour. You won't have time to worryabout the aches of middle age or why you didn't sleepenough last night. You'll be too busy getting importantthings accomplished—as anyone with energy would do.Then sleep as if you were meant to sleep all night.
• The next day you might act as if you loved your job.Maybe another day you'll want to act as if you were calmand contented, or organized and cheerful.
• Try things on for a day or two and see what kinds ofthoughts make you feel the best and able to realize yourgoals with a style that is unique to you. It seems to be truethat at least to some extent, we are what we think.
• Create a picture in your mind or on paper of what you wantto do in life. Look at or think about that picture severaltimes a day. For instance, if you feel you lack the courageto start an exercise program and it's something you wantto do, picture yourself as fit, healthy, and moving. Betteryet, make a poster of yourself (or people from a magazine)doing the things that strong and healthy people do.
Exercise #3: Just Show Up
This is the antiprocrastination exercise. You don't have to committo doing a lot of something; just show up for five minutes. Followingthe five-minute rule takes some of the dread out of doing tasks thatseem overwhelming. If you only commit to doing something for fiveminutes, you won't become so anxious about not being perfect ornot getting the best results for your time commitment. Of course youmust set the stage for a positive result by showing up with the righttools for whatever task you want to tackle.
Getting Started:
• Instead of promising to exercise for an hour every day,just require yourself to show up with the proper equipmentsuch as good shoes, a heart rate monitor, and water, andthen exercise for five minutes.
• Do whatever it is you've been putting off for at least fiveminutes with the agreement that you can extend the timeif you wish. If you don't want to do more, but the task oractivity is something you really want or need to do, stopand promise yourself you'll show up the next day—for atleast five minutes.
• It's a lot harder to create excuses for not doing somethingthat will only take five minutes. Since consistency is whatmakes the difference in most endeavors, just showing upgets surprisingly good results.
Exercise #4: Imagine the Best Outcome for Yourself
Managing positive change at midlife (or anytime) requires imaginationand creativity. When a good solution doesn't seem possible, imaginea great outcome anyway. It's not easy to be creative when you'velost a job, are facing health issues, or are dealing with catastrophicevents. However, many women have found creative ways to dealwith the injustices and indignities of life. As with any change, thiskind of change starts in our minds.
Getting Started:
• Walk. When I can't put enough positive thoughts togetherto even imagine a good ending to what's bothering me, Iwalk. I walk and require myself to be fully in the moment.I sometimes remind myself (I say it out loud if that's theonly way I can get my attention) to notice the trees, thegrass along the trail, the magpies squawking.
• Don't allow your thoughts to spiral down into the negativethinking that caused your discomfort. That kind of thinkingdoes not lead to solutions, just to depression. Keepwalking.
Exercise #5: Find a Friend to Share the Journey
Friends for the midlife journey are so important that I have devotedan entire chapter to this discussion. It's never too late to find a friend.They are everywhere, and we all need at least one person who isunquestionably on our side, someone who will listen as often asnecessary.
Getting Started:
• If you have not had the time or desire to nurture thispart of your feminine birthright, now is the time to beginthinking about ways you could increase your circle offriends. Research shows that someday they just mightsave your life.
• Join a group of women who share your interests, such ashiking, horseback riding, reading, dog training, cooking,stamp collecting—there's a group for almost every hobbyor passion.
• Be a friend first. Volunteer with an organization thatspeaks to your heart.
Exercise #6: Listen to the Still, Small Voice
This is the voice you hear when you first wake in the morning, beforeyou are even sure it's morning. It's that "gut feeling," the thing somecall "intuition," the voice you might have shushed for years. Thatvoice will lead you to your own truth and allow you to make authenticchanges. This voice is the inner friend who has been with you allyour life whether you've listened to her or not. If you are ever goingto pay attention to that voice, it's now.
Getting Started:
• One of the best ways I know to begin really listening is tojournal, especially in the morning. Write about your goals,your dreams, your fears. You may be surprised what yourheart says to you in these early morning moments.
With these ground exercises in mind, we will all be betterprepared to embark on the midlife journey. In realizing that thejourney will begin whether or not we're ready, it's good to rememberthat we can go back to the basics at any time and learn what wedidn't pick up earlier. It's always possible to "teach an old horse newtricks"—unless we believe it's impossible.
CHAPTER 2
The Adventure Begins
So now we are gripped by the desire to get nearer,and it is a desire that is more like a need ... the scentof sweetness blown through the nostrils.
—Melissa Holbrook Pierson,Dark Horses and Black Beauties
The relationship between women and horses often starts with ahorse-crazy little girl whose whole life revolves around storybookhorses, or if she's extremely fortunate, a real pony or horse. Thethought of horses fills her days with excitement and her imaginationwith dreams of beauty, power, and freedom. The smell of a horseis sweeter than any known fragrance. She doesn't want anything tochange—ever.
Unfortunately, for many a horse-smitten little girl, that all-consumingrelationship with horses mustfade into the background as she entersadulthood with responsibilities of workand family. Although she is still drawn tohorses and occasionally thinks aboutowning one someday, she often settlesfor taking her daughter to riding lessonsor reading an occasional novel about ahorse.
As time continues, responsibilitieschange, and her body and soul begin tofeel different. About the time her body isno longer able to create new life, the dormant dreams of canteringthrough the meadow return with surprising intensity. The horses ofchildhood reappear in memories and offer to guide and inspire herthrough this new passage. These horses, part of her dreams andhopes as a youngster, are now back in her imagination just in timeto lead her through this sometimes-confusing journey through midlifeto the woman of wisdom she longs to become.
The call to share this adventure with the horses of her dreams isso great that she begins to read how-to books, goes to seminars, anddares to think about owning a real horse—maybe for the first time.That thought gets her through days of increasingly meaningless workand restless nights. The time to act is almost here. The adventureis soon to begin.
Denial
"Why don't you get rid of that cranky old mare?" my young friendasked as Tootsie snorted at her in disgust. Tootsie was a twenty-three-year-oldhalf-Arab mare that I'd purchased years ago from afriend who was critically ill and felt she could no longer care for her.Tootsie had never been properly or improperly trained and didn'thave the most endearing personality. She was enjoying her midlifeyears grazing in my pasture with a couple of aging goats. It was agood enough arrangement for all concerned, including me. Tootsiegot to hang out and eat all day, and I didn't have to mow the pasture.Besides, I was working a crazy schedule that didn't allow much timefor playing around with a horse. Nevertheless, I was offended by thecomment.
The woman, who was younger than the mare, just didn't knowwhen to stop. "Your mare's obviously not good for anything. Youhaven't ridden her in ages, and all she does it eat. She's fat and hasarthritis in that front right leg—seems useless to me."
"She's not useless," I retorted indignantly, realizing that mostof what the young woman said was true. "I certainly can't get rid ofher—whatever that means. I've had her forever." Besides, there waszero chance that anyone else would want her.
"You'll have to face reality eventually." The girl turned to leave,flipping long auburn hair out of her eyes. "It costs the same to feed ayoung, well-trained horse as it does that cranky old mare, you know."Tootsie snorted noisily and wetly at the woman's retreating form.
I tried to forget the whole conversation, but something about itwas even more disturbing than the words this young lady had saidabout my aging mare.
The next morning at feeding time, I took a serious look at Tootsieto see if she really was getting old. Sure enough, she was. Shesagged a little here and there and didn't walk with the grace andbalance she'd once possessed. She was quieter and definitelycrankier—and fatter.
"It doesn't matter," I said to the mare who was only interestedin the hay I was dropping beside her. "You're more clever thanother horses, and you manage things in this pasture with greatdecisiveness." As my words lingered in the winter fog, I realized I'dbeen trying to convince possible critics not only of the aging mare'susefulness but also of my own.
"What's going on?" I continued to talk softly to the mare as shechewed. "Do people think about me the way that woman talkedabout you? Is getting older simply a matter of becoming cranky,creaky, useless, and fat?" A part of me could certainly identify withthe stiff joints, the sagging back, and increased heft. And I had thefeeling friends and relatives would agree with the cranky part—atleast behind my back. I stroked the mare's neck and eventuallyrealized I was crying, something else that was happening a lot morelately.
