CHAPTER 1
New Beginnings
How does it all work? What happens in our hearts and minds to allow us to, or make us, connect so completely to other individuals? And when it happens, why doesn't it stay the same? You fall in love at first sight, and all of a sudden, things are just fine. Then maybe they're okay. Now you're wondering why you ever fell for that person in the first place. Am I right? Everyone's had days like that, maybe weeks or longer. Truth be known, it all comes in a cycle if we allow it to. Love, I mean. You love that person, and then you can't stand to look at him or her, and now you're in love again. Why? Maybe I can answer that. I'm going to try.
If you follow science, you've probably heard a number of theories. Your body emits pheromones that attract a potential partner, or your mind recognizes patterns in another's face that mimic yours. If you believe in souls, you know that there is another person out there who is indeed the other half of your soul, and being with that person would make you complete. If you're the religious sort, you are wandering the earth to find God's match for you. All of this, whatever you believe, is designed to continue the population of the human race. In one way or another, we are meant to keep going and to do that without killing each other, if possible. Oh, you could say that sex with any number of strangers would complete that task, and you'd be right. But I truly believe we are meant to be happy and have pleasant companionship while we make our way through life. Otherwise, it would be a long and lonely road.
Having a mate is something special that a roommate or another family member cannot replicate. It's a fondness or comfort that somehow resolves the emptiness you feel. It may not be apparent when you're doing the dishes or grocery shopping. You might not realize it when you're at work or watching your favorite show. In fact, many of us don't think of it at all as we go about our normal day. But what about when you've had one of those tough days that seems as though the whole world is on your shoulders? What about during a personal crisis or family emergency? What do you really want, deep down? What is it that is going to make the outside world disappear for a little while? A hug. You want to fall into his or her arms and just melt. Now sure, a good friend or family member can give you a hug and some comforting words, even great advice. But is it the same thing? Does it really feel like enough to soothe you? Now, maybe it's the mate that's causing you grief. It happens. Hell, it happens a lot. You might be thinking, He's the last person I want right now. But what is your heart telling you? Are your heart and soul saying, I wish we weren't fighting, because I really need that hug? So are you listening to your head or your heart? And which of those is going to make you the happiest?
Humans are by far the most stubborn beings on the planet! There's no question about it. Animals are forgiving — they don't hold grudges. I've worked with animals all my life, and I can tell you they don't even know how. They might fight over something, walk away, and be done with it. Next thing you know, they're playing like it never happened. Why can't we learn a little something from the animals and just let it go? We stand in the way of our own happiness. We let pride and anger rule our very existence!
When my children were very little, I would sit with them at night as they were going to sleep. After the bedtime stories, I always made it a point to give a little life lesson, something small to take with them through life — "things to remember," I would tell them. Remember to share what you have because the next child may not be so fortunate. Learn something new every day, since you never know when you might need it. You know the difference between right and wrong, so make the correct choice. And if you're ever in doubt about what that is, just listen to your heart — it never lies. In your heart are the secrets to your best life. Maybe that's the way God talks to us. Maybe we were genetically designed that way. Maybe your relatives who have died are trying to tell you something. I guess my point here is not to let your mind get in the way of what your heart is trying to tell you.
So how do we do that? What makes us fall in love, and how do we accomplish that all over again with that snoring, drooling thing that hogs the covers? It can be done, and it's really not as difficult as one might think. This is going to be very one-sided at first. You're going to do a lot of giving before it's your turn to take. But I promise you that it can be done, and with surprisingly great results.
Our grandparents, great-grandparents, and relatives much further back got married and stayed married. And many of them did it quite successfully with people they hardly knew. How? They worked at it. They were taught by their parents what the priorities were and how to keep their houses in order. It wasn't about who the breadwinners were or who was in charge. It was about fulfilling your role in such a way as to make your partner's job a little easier at the end of the day — to make him or her want to rush home, to long for you. That was no different for gay couples. Someone assumed a working role outside the home, and someone took the caregiving responsibilities. Now, even if both people worked outside the home, individual roles somehow fell into place. And please understand that neither role is more or less important than the other. The point is that each had the other in mind and attempted to make his or her partner's life a little brighter each day. Somehow, just knowing that you were going to be linked for life gave you the necessary motivation to work things out. Divorce was not an option for most people. It was downright scandalous, and maybe we'd be better off if it were again. I'm not for one minute saying to stay in an abusive situation. No one should be abusing anyone, period! People wanted to stay together because they felt loved and wanted to share that love.
When was the last time you did something nice for your partner? When was the last time you said something nice and meant it? When did your partner? I believe the chief cause of divorce in this country is not what he or she did. I believe it's because of what we didn't do. We're neglecting each other in a big way! We're not loving each other. I've heard it said that at the end of our lives we regret the things we didn't do far more than the things we did. I can see that. I can see it already: the missed opportunities, the time we could have spent together. What are you missing out on?
Remember the beginning. What was it that really caught your attention? Think hard. Yes, you may have noticed the attractive qualities, but something beyond that kept your attention. Did he or she have something interesting to say? Was it the way he or she said it? And I'm not talking about a pickup line or catchy phrase. Did he or she look you in the eye, lean forward when speaking, sound excited when explaining something? Was there eagerness in the voice? All of these things indicate varying degrees of passion, and the subject is not as important as how the person felt at that moment. Passion is as contagious as laughter, and passion is the backbone of any relationship. Without it, nothing else will stand up.
Well, you might say, your partner isn't passionate anymore. He or she just sits on the couch in front of the television every night. Be honest with yourself: Aren't we all guilty of that a lot of the time? But if we want to renew our relationships, somebody has to start somewhere, and that's what this book's all about — new beginnings.
I'll be honest. This is going to seem very one-sided in the beginning, and it might even seem like a lot of work. But anything worth having is worth working for, right? Now, I'm not one of those subservient women. My point of view comes from a woman's heart simply because I was born with all the right parts. This could just as easily have been written by a man. And I am not writing strictly to women about men. This book is wholeheartedly written by a human being and directed to a human being, regardless of the type of relationship you're in. I have no prejudice about who loves whom. So, that being said, let's get back to business.
Anyone who has ever learned anything knows it has to be done one step at a time. Everything has components, even relationships. We are going to break it down one component at a time. There is an order to the way things work, and probably not the order you might think. And while there is a method to my madness, none of it is written in stone. So if you find something is not working for your particular needs, by all means, feel free to adjust. One thing I do know is that moving slowly through this is your very best option. The best results come from those who take their time.
The first sensation any human feels is touch. When we are born, we don't hear very well, we certainly don't see very well, and we can't understand speech. The comfort we get at that point is from touch. Something about loving arms cradling us has an immediate effect. Someone loves us and protects us from the world. That's instinct. An infant who can't understand anything else instinctively knows everything is going to be all right now because someone cares enough to touch. Deep down inside, we are born with that feeling. Touch is the first step to a new relationship.
You are going to draw on that instinct that lives in your partner. You're going to recreate that feeling of warmth and security, thus reinforcing a desire to be together. Now, we are a long way from sex, my friend. That's not what this touch is about. When you see your mate today, reach out and stroke the back of his or her hand gently and briefly. Watch his or her face as you do this. Did your mate's expression soften? Did he or she smile? When your mate looks at you, smile. Not some ear-to-ear grin, just a soft smile. You just made a new connection with your old partner!
Now, here's the hard part. Take it slow — take it slow — take it slow. I cannot emphasize that enough! If you go running through these steps, you are not going to develop a new relationship. You will just be right back where you started. You need to learn how to touch and flirt all over again.
Can we go back to adolescence for a minute — without the tears, fears, and acne? What are the good things we learned about partnerships? We learned to flirt, didn't we? A little at a time. Somebody reached out and touched somebody's hand first. And, tell the truth: Didn't both of you get a little chill of excitement? Each time you saw each other after that, you repeated that scenario and began to hold hands. For quite some time, you were elated just to hold hands, and that tender little touch felt like a special secret. If you're anything like me, those are wonderful memories. Forget the bad ones; they're long gone. In a sense, we're going back in time. It can happen, and it's going to be a wonderful trip!
So, touch is the first step. Well, what else is happening? While you're learning to touch again, you are also going to get to know each other. Do you know who you've been living with? Guess again. This is not the same person! Oh, no. The person you met all those years ago developed new interests and lost some old ones.
Coworkers, neighbors, and friends have influenced this person in any number of ways. Did he or she take a class, start a hobby, or get a new job during your relationship? Then he or she has changed! This is not the same person you met. Now, unless the two of you are joined at the hip and do exactly everything together, you'll need to start again.
Okay. Here we go. Today, when you see each other again, I want you to gently stroke the back of your mate's hand and ask, "How was your day?" Be totally prepared to listen. And I mean to all of it, intently, before responding. Make sure that you are eye to eye for this exchange. Now maybe your mate came home with a mile-long list of gripes. Maybe he or she is angry that things did not go well on the job today. And maybe he or she is just too exhausted to even recognize your efforts. That's okay; Rome wasn't built in a day. It could be that your attempts went unnoticed, or your mate might realize later that something new happened. Either way, don't be discouraged; this is going to work. What you don't want to do here is to belittle the other person's concerns. However trivial it may seem to you, this is something significant to him or her. And remember, this is his or her time to vent, so keep your responses short and encouraging. If you bitch along with your mate, it may only make your mate feel worse. When you speak, touch or hold his or her hand. It emphasizes your concern for his or her wellbeing. Also, subconsciously you've instilled in the other person the idea that he or she is loved and cared for.
Keep in mind that everyone has a routine of some sort when they first get home. Or maybe you're the one who's coming home to a mate. Be prepared to follow him or her through that routine as you listen. This is also a good opportunity for touch. Does your loved one change clothes right away? You could take the work clothes, untie a tie, hold out clean things. At the risk of repeating myself, none of these actions should be considered beneath you. If you are feeling this way, don't do it, because it will show on your face and that will ruin the effort. If it can't be done sincerely, stop. Try again later. If you've been with each other any length of time, then you know each other's expressions. Remember the soft smile. Practice once or twice in the mirror. It can help to think back to a pleasant memory. When there's a lull in the conversation, this can be a great time to interject something of a light note; keep it simple. You might want to try a dinner suggestion or comment, "I thought I'd make those beef tips you like." Again, soft smile, because you've probably just caught your mate's attention.
Somewhere out there, someone's loved one just caught on that something is up. It's going to happen. Don't panic. "Okay, what did you do? Did you dent the car? Overdraw the checkbook? What do you want?" Don't lie or try to cover anything up. Take both hands in yours, look the other person square in the eye, and say, "I'd really like to make our relationship truly special again." Someone is going to ask, "What's wrong with the way things are?" Or even say, "I don't have the energy to start new things." You are going to have to take a deep breath and tell your mate that he or she doesn't have to do anything at all, unless he or she chooses to. But if you are subtle, most of the time your mate will not realize what's going on until you're halfway through this book. Am I advocating secrecy? I suppose, to a degree, I am, but for a greater good and for the benefit of both parties. Think of it more like a surprise.
There are moments in a relationship that will stick in your mind for years, maybe forever. You've probably had some of those; you will have others. We want these memories to be the right kind. I think one of my favorites happened back when my husband and I were dating. Well, we had actually been on an extended break from one another. I thought that it was over, that I was never going to see him again. Then the phone rang, and as I picked up the receiver and said hello, I heard his voice. "Where you been, Darlin'? It's been a million years." I know I can never really convey the meaning of that conversation except to say that the sun rose in the middle of the night. That phrase told me that he had truly missed me and it had felt to him as though we were apart forever. That spoke volumes to me, and I had felt the exact same way. The memories that you have of your relationship are unique, and no one else is going to totally understand, but that's okay. It's not for them; it's for the two of you. Those memories can become a nurturing factor in the rebirth between the two of you. For some couples, it can be an anniversary, for others a conversation or phrase. My husband used to whisper a certain something in my ear, sounding just like a favorite actor. It doesn't have to be serious or terribly significant to bring a smile to your face. There's a reason they're called sweet nothings. Allow frivolity in your day, in all your days. Laughter has great healing powers. And don't forget to laugh at yourself. I think we grow as individuals when we're able to do so. Do little things for your loved one that will create new memories. Put a love note in his or her lunchbox. Buy his or her favorite candy or DVD. Tell your mate how much he or she means to you every day in some small way.
