Book by Jackson Nena

Toes in the Sand

How One Woman Discovered the Gift of Unwavering Faith That Changed Her Life CompletelyBy Nena Jackson

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2011 Nena Jackson
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4567-2370-5

Chapter One

WINTER BLUR

It had been a typical Sunday evening at our home. Dinner was over and our family was preparing for the week of work and school ahead. While upstairs trying to determine what to wear to work the next day, I heard my cell phone ringing downstairs. I laughed because my cell phone always rings when I am on one floor and it is on another. I ran the familiar course through the house to the kitchen and started digging in my purse to catch the caller before the last ring. Of course my phone was in the bottom of my purse but I grabbed it just in time to see that it was my dad calling. My parents and brother lived in Birmingham, Alabama, as did my sister, Rhonda, who was married to Bryan and had a six year old son, Austin. I was the only family member that had moved away.

When I answered the phone I could immediately tell that something was different in my dad's tone of voice. With great concern he explained, "I wanted to call and let you know that Clint has been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. He has been sick for several days but he didn't let on that he was getting worse. He actually drove himself to the hospital tonight and they immediately admitted him."

I caught my breath and exclaimed, "That is the last thing I thought you were calling about. How horrible for this to happen today since it is his birthday! Is he going to be okay?"

"When Clint called he said the doctor thought he would be okay but that he needed to stay in the hospital for a few days. We knew he felt bad today because he stayed home from church and that rarely happens. We celebrated his birthday at lunch and then he went back to bed. Tonight while your mom and I were away he felt so bad that he drove to the hospital. We are headed down there now to see him so I will give you a call later tonight or in the morning to let you know how he is doing."

With care I replied, "Please do keep me posted. Don't worry about calling too late. Any time is fine."

I shared the news with Scott and Madison and called Justin. We all said a prayer for Clint's recovery that night before going to bed.

Clint was not a typical forty five year old man. He had a learning disability and had never been able to live on his own; therefore he lived with my parents in the same bedroom he had occupied when we were children. He was able to drive a car, work simple part time jobs, and attend church but not much else. He lived a very simple life but seemed content. Over the years he had been so wonderful to Justin and Madison, which I deeply appreciated.

My dad did not call back until the next morning but the update he gave me was good. Clint was resting comfortably and was receiving the medical attention he needed to get better. I went about my day at work with great relief that he would be fine in a few days. I knew my parents did not need any more stress in their lives because my dad was still recovering from a stroke that occurred six months before.

Around ten o'clock that night my dad called back. On the other end of the phone I could hear my dad crying. My heart sank as I spoke, "Dad, what's wrong? Is Clint okay?"

Through his sobbing my dad mumbled, "Clint went into cardiac arrest tonight and now he is in a coma. Mom and I are rushing to the hospital now."

My eyes filled up with tears as I tried to find words to say. I was finally able to respond, "I don't understand. What happened today that caused him to take a turn for the worse?"

"Nothing we know of right now. Mom and I both went down to see him earlier this evening and he was doing about the same. The doctor came by while we were there. She told us that Clint was still very sick but with time his body and the medication should be able to fight off the pneumonia. The doctor also told us he would be kept in the ICU on a ventilator for the next several days. After that update your mom and I felt pretty comfortable and decided to come home so we could get some sleep. Ten minutes ago I received a call that he had gone into cardiac arrest. I don't know what happened after we left him."

"Are you okay to drive? I am sure Bryan or Rhonda would drive you and Mom if you are too upset."

"No, I will be okay. I just want to hurry up and get to the hospital so I can get more information. I will call you back as soon as I know something."

"Okay. I love you, Dad."

"I love you too."

Around midnight my dad called back with awful news. He said that Clint was showing signs of brain damage from the cardiac arrest and that the doctor didn't know if he would ever come out of the coma. Clint had gone into cardiac arrest when they changed his breathing tube on the ventilator. They had to work on Clint for several minutes to revive him and that is when the brain damage occurred. My dad said they were going to start performing tests the next day to determine the extent of the brain damage but at this point things did not look good at all.

I didn't sleep much that night because I was in complete shock. None of this seemed real, especially since I was nine hours away. I knew that I had to get down there as soon as possible to be with my parents and sister. The next day I took the first flight available to Birmingham. During my layover in Atlanta I called my dad to check on Clint's status. My parents had just been told that Clint had suffered extreme brain damage and would never be able to live without being on life support. They were going to wait for me to arrive to decide next steps but they knew what Clint would want us to do. He had made it clear to my parents that he did not want to be kept alive on life support if he was ever in that situation.

I was numb on my flight to Birmingham as my thoughts were consumed with what was going to happen next. Faced with the most difficult decision our family had ever encountered, Rhonda and I had to find incredible strength so we could help our parents through the days ahead. I just couldn't believe that something like this had happened to my brother. Clint had never lived the type of life that Rhonda or I did and now his life was going to end in a very sad way. Knowing that I would never be able to talk to him again was very hard to swallow. Sure, I would be able to physically see him and say goodbye but he would never respond.

After my flight arrived and I had picked up my luggage, I went to wait outside for my dad to arrive. When I saw his car coming my way the tears started flowing. My dad pulled his car over to the curb near me and got out. He came over and hugged me tightly while we both sobbed uncontrollably. Once we gained composure he put my luggage in the trunk and we drove to the hospital to meet my mom and Rhonda. We arrived just in time for the next ICU visit and all four of us went in to see Clint together. I stood in the hallway outside my brother's unit and watched my mom and dad hold Clint's hand and tell him that I had arrived. Hearing this was too much to bear but somehow I found the strength to join them. We all stood around Clint and told him how much we loved him. We all stood there for what seemed like an eternity hoping he would just wake up and respond. There were times when his eyes would slightly open but the nurse informed us that it was just his nerves twitching. My heart broke as I watched my brother just lay there, breathing only with the help of a machine.

After visitation was over we all gathered in the waiting room to talk about next steps and decided to take a day or two before we made the final decision to take him off of life support. Rhonda and I wanted to talk to the doctor again to fully understand the severity of his brain damage. I know we all wanted nothing more than to come back to the hospital the next day and find out that Clint had improved so this awful decision would go away.

Improvement did not happen and on Friday, two days later, we made the decision to take Clint off life support. The conversations we had with the nurses and doctors all seemed like bad dreams. The doctor scheduled the procedure for Saturday morning at nine o'clock. To ensure Clint's wishes to donate his organs were followed, we met with a wonderful team at the hospital that explained in detail how the process would work. Clint may have had a learning disability but that didn't impact his love for others. Through this process my family and I received a sense of peace that Clint would help others through his death.

Justin drove over Friday night so he could be with us during the procedure since his college was only two hours away. I was very glad to have him there since Scott and Madison were still in Ohio. Justin is a wonderful son and I knew he would be a great support for me through these next several days. I also missed him greatly since he was so far away from home for college so even though the circumstances were tough, I was thankful for the opportunity to see him unexpectedly.

We arrived at the hospital the next morning and were escorted to a private waiting room. My parents remained in the waiting room while Justin, Rhonda, Bryan, and I went to the room where the procedure was to be performed. Even though it was the hardest ordeal the four of us had ever been through, we knew we had to be there for Clint. We stood in the hallway while his breathing tube was removed. His doctor came out to get us when they were finished. The four of us gathered around Clint and said our final goodbyes. The doctor had told us Clint's passing would happen quickly but each breath seemed to take forever. We were all relieved that his breathing was calm because we didn't want him to struggle. After a few minutes, with Justin holding me tight and Bryan hugging Rhonda, we watched our brother and uncle take his final peaceful breath. Rhonda and I hugged each other very tightly and we cried uncontrollably. My sister and I had just witnessed the death of our special older brother and the feeling was completely surreal.

Once the four of us were emotionally ready, we returned to the waiting room to see Mom and Dad. I will never forget the look on their faces when we entered the room. The sadness on their faces was more than any of us could bear to see. Luckily Bryan was able to talk and assured them that Clint died without suffering. That seemed to help Mom and Dad cope with the fact that they had just lost their son. I remember thinking at that point, "What do we do now? What do you do right after watching your brother be taken off life support?" I immediately called Scott to let him know that Clint had passed. He and Madison had already packed and were ready to leave the next day to drive down from Ohio. It would be nice to have all of us together to face the days ahead.

After an hour of talking and comforting each other, we left the hospital to begin the process of calling family and friends to share the sad news. I also called the newspaper to place Clint's obituary, a task that I would love to never do again for any one. Next we had the difficult task of making funeral arrangements. I remember thinking that I now understood the 'going through the motions' feeling that other people have mentioned experiencing immediately after the death of a loved one.

We kept the visitation and graveside service very simple because we felt like that was what Clint would have wanted. His minister performed the service, which gave us a beautiful way to learn special insights about Clint that even my parents didn't know. One thing was for certain—there were a lot of people at his church that were going to miss him greatly. Since Clint parked in the exact same parking place every Sunday, the church had decided to dedicate the space to him and placed a 'reserved' sign on the curb. Clint also sat in the same seat in his Sunday School class every week so they had decided to turn up his chair so no one else could sit there going forward. I definitely thought those were two beautiful ways to honor such a special person.

Scott and Madison left to go back to Ohio the day after the funeral so Madison could get back to school. Justin and I decided to stay for a few days so we could, along with my sister and her husband, help my parents by cleaning out Clint's room and car so they didn't have to face the task in the upcoming weeks or months.

As we went through his closet and drawers, we all just knew Clint was going to walk into the room any minute and ask why we were going through his stuff! None of us could really believe that he was gone. He had occupied this basement bedroom for over thirty years and we knew it would always be 'his place'.

Chapter Two

LIFE GOES ON

Sometimes life doesn't always go as we had planned and that was certainly the case in my life over the last year. Clint's death had happened so suddenly and left me with an overwhelming feeling of being out of control. The foundation of my life seemed to be resting on sinking sand, which felt unsettled and uneasy. One of my favorite satisfying, soothing, and reassuring feelings was to wiggle my toes in the warm powdery sands of a pristine beach so it was ironic that this wiggly, almost unbalanced feeling on the beach could bring the opposite feeling in my everyday life. When this unsettling emotion overwhelmed me, I found comfort in thinking about a peaceful day at the beach. Living in Ohio meant that trips to the beach were less frequent than when I was growing up in Birmingham but I still managed to work in a number of beach trips each year. Every hour of travel was worth it because of the calming balanced feeling I got from putting my toes in the sand. Last November we planned two trips to the beach for the coming year; one at spring break to Gulf Shores, Alabama, and one to WaterColor Resort near Destin, Florida, in July. Scheduling these trips gave me a feeling of peace and took my mind off of the sadness of losing Clint. Spring break was the first week of April and could not arrive fast enough for me this year.

In the months after my brother's death, my family and I tried to go back to a state of somewhat of normalcy but I found myself just going through motions. With each month I got a little better but constantly worried about my parents and how they were coping. Most of the time on the outside I appeared to be doing fine but on the inside I was grieving and my heart was filled with sadness. Some aspects of life can never be understood and Clint's situation was one of those mysteries for me. His learning disability and inability to lead a normal adult life had always been very difficult for me to understand and accept. Rhonda and I both had beautiful families and homes while Clint had lived his entire life alone in his childhood bedroom. There were some days that this guilty feeling became too much to handle so I would call Rhonda for comfort. We helped each other through the mourning process so we could be strong for mom and dad.

With Thanksgiving approaching, our family planned to meet in Gatlinburg, Tennessee for the holiday. This location was a special place for our family because when my grandparents were alive they would coordinate wonderful Thanksgiving trips to the Smokey Mountains. Having my parents away from home for the holiday seemed to distract them somewhat from the fact that Clint was not celebrating with us. Distractions were a good way for all of us to focus on the difficult task of moving on.

As 2007 came to a close I prayed that the start of a new year would bring a ray of hope. The year didn't need to bring something spectacular, just peace and happiness would do for me. Listening to the media did not bring that comfortable feeling I longed for because all the news was about the fact the economy was starting to take a turn for the worse and was predicted to go increasingly downhill as the year progressed.

In late February, instead of a ray of sunshine, I learned that my division would go through another wave of layoffs. The last five years I had been employed as an Information Technology Group Manager for a large regional bank and had let go of a number of people the year prior. I was not looking forward to going through the process again because the whole ordeal was very draining for all parties involved. I had enjoyed a career in technology management for the last fourteen years and, thankfully, layoffs were not something I had experienced until last year. The layoffs were scheduled for April, which meant that I would get to enjoy our spring break trip with Scott and Madison before facing this uncomfortable and difficult task.

I was thankful that Scott loved his job. Scott had been working for the last seven years leading a marketing group for a large retail private label credit card company. He worked very long hours due to his department's aggressive revenue targets that increased every year but that never seemed to dampen his spirits one bit. He enjoyed the team of people that worked for him and received great satisfaction in helping them grow and develop in their careers. I knew Scott's company was not immune to the economic downturn because they had recently taken a major blow when the acquisition of his company by a major investment firm fell apart at the last minute. However, I felt comfortable that Scott's performance would help protect him from any layoffs if his company was forced to take such actions.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Toes in the Sandby Nena Jackson Copyright © 2011 by Nena Jackson. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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