CHAPTER 1
PRISONERS of a PARADOX
"The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives."
–Albert Schweitzer
Let's face it, most guys are still trying to figure out what the world expects of them these days in terms of what it means to "be a man". For the past 50 years we have been caught between two different worlds of expectation that previous generations of men never had to struggle with. Our fathers and grandfathers never had to think about whether or not they had choices in how to express their masculinity. And they certainly had no question in their minds about what they would teach their sons about manly behavior.
We have yet to create and even celebrate a healthier version of masculinity to teach our sons that is relevant to a 21st century planet. Our struggle thus far seems to be less about what to teach them and more about figuring out who and what we are becoming ourselves. Once we take care of this second piece we'll be able to address the first one. All of this is because we are finally waking up and seeing the unhealthy consequences that traditional masculinity has had on our people and our planet for thousands of years. Like it or not, the "story" of traditional masculinity is in the throes of being re-written, and it is in all of our best interests to pay attention and have the courage to evolve with it.
Without getting too cheesy by coining some phrase like men's liberation, I believe that there is a need for men to set themselves free from the story they have inherited from their fathers and grandfathers about who and what a "real man" is. That traditional image of an emotionally stoic and insensitive "manly man" has devolved into a stereotype that, unfortunately, most men have successfully lived up to, and the world is no longer a better place because of it. The high personal price I believe men have paid for carrying out this malignant legacy is this: By ignoring and dismissing the truth men feel in their hearts, they ignore and dismiss their true happiness and calling in life. As men continue to carry out this limited version of masculinity, they sacrifice feeling a more authentic experience of themselves that they also keep from sharing with their loved ones.
Whenever a man chooses to disregard and/ or misrepresent what he feels in his True Heart, he in essence gives up his personal integrity and becomes a lesser version of himself.
If there is one consistent observation I have made over the course of my 27 years of working with male clients in private practice as a marriage and family therapist, it is this: the universal definition of "masculinity" that men have identified with for millennia has become so unconsciously synonymous with their survival instinct that the two have become indistinguishable. A man's instinctive urge to protect, provide, and procreate has evolved into a nearly equivalent expression of his "manliness." In and of itself, this may not be a psychologically significant insight, but the ramifications appear in very specific ways when men are challenged to step beyond their survival "roles" as protectors/ providers/procreators.
This challenge is particularly evident in how my male clients, almost without exception, report their ignorance of how to create emotional intimacy with a woman. There is a recurring glazed-over look of cluelessness in their eyes when I ask them to describe, in even the most general terms, the "emotional connection" they have with their wife or girlfriend. I understand that I can't generalize my anecdotal observations to describe the population of men at large, but it cannot merely be a coincidence only among the men who find their way into my office. As a clinician, I'm more interested in motivating changes in behavior rather than collecting empirical data. Still, I'm struck by the utterly consistent feedback I have seen across a wide range of men regardless of age, race, religion, and socioeconomic status. Nearly all of them seem to be confused about how to participate in their intimate relationships beyond fulfilling the protector/provider/procreator roles that they identify with coming from their survival instincts.
This observation has helped me understand that naturally and unconsciously equating masculine identity with survival has an effect on men's "access" to or understanding of their own emotional world. There is a paradox here that is subliminal, yet unavoidable, and is a direct result of this interchangeability between masculinity and survival. As a result of this phenomenon, here is what I consider to be the epic dilemma for my male brethren and me: The one thing that defines a man's sense of masculinity in so many ways and which men are so highly skilled at and so proud of, i.e., survival, also happens to be the one thing that severely limits their depth of self-actualization and personal happiness. I call this the Survival Paradox. This, in turn, keeps them clueless about emotional intimacy: what it is, how to create it, and how to sustain it with a woman. As crucial and prevalent as it is in his awareness, a man's instinct for survival – that primitive, fundamental, fight-or-flight urge to keep himself and his loved ones physically alive – actually constricts his ability to truly know and love himself, which then constricts his ability to truly know and love another person.
Men struggle with how to create authentic, emotionally connected relationships with women because they are prisoners of the Survival Paradox.
The irony here is how the men I observe almost always report feeling anxious at times about their feelings of inadequacy in their role as protector/provider/ procreators and how that inadequacy affects their desirability as relationship partners. Men assume that their competence at being adequate protector/provider/procreators is the thing a woman looks for in a potential mate, despite whether or not the woman can protect and provide for herself. This is a fundamental piece of the survival instinct of all human beings in order to successfully propagate the species. However, it is also important for men to understand that this is not the only thing that women look for in a mate. The challenge for men is to construct a definition of masculinity that goes beyond this survival imperative. Otherwise, they will remain limited in their happiness as well as their ability to participate in and create a significant emotional connection with their loved ones.
The INADEQUACY MYTH
It's pretty normal for us humans to "wear a mask" as we engage the world on a day-to-day basis. This mask or persona, which we also call "ego", is a way for us to protect a more authentic and vulnerable part of ourselves from the random irritants and toxicities of everyday life. This ego mask version of ourselves is a way for us to give an impression of being a certain way that may fit whatever occasion we feel is needed. A problem arises, however, if we rarely take this mask off in order to allow ourselves to show a deeper, more authentic version of who we are to others. Most of my clients have become so accustomed to living their lives wearing this mask that they have assumed the mask now represents who they really are. Not true! The genuine "true self" version of who we really are behind the mask is not shaped by our need to appear in a certain way to others. This authentic inner part of us is simply the unaltered, unedited expression of both the good news and the bad news of our personality. It is both amazing and imperfect all at the same time. However, it is this imperfect piece of our masculineness that we hide from others because we fear that our flaws will not only be seen, but that we will then be judged as being undesirable, unmanly, and "not good enough" because we have these flaws. While this fear is understandable, it is also a myth that we as men cripple ourselves by because our imperfections are a part of the definition of being human that every person on the planet has to deal with. I call this our "Inadequacy Myth" because the myth of it is that we think we are lovable only when we are un-flawed and perfect, which is an impossible standard for any human being to achieve. This social standard of perfection holds us hostage to our shortcomings. Another example of this is how women are constantly being judged for their outward appearance by a so-called "Beauty Myth" that is shallow and unrealistic. As a result, women struggle to not judge themselves by this relentless expectation of physical beauty that is unrealistic and oppressive.
When men judge themselves as being "not man enough" or "not good enough" or "not lovable enough", this gives the Inadequacy Myth rattling around in their heads a lot of power and influence over the choices they make in their lives. This has become a tangible obstacle to a man's self-worth and happiness that is in deep need of a reality-check. Quite often this Inadequacy Myth comes from the home environment that he was raised in as a boy. Based on his interaction with parents and siblings, a boy's belief system about his self-worth comes from the milieu that gives him "feedback" about who he is. If that feedback is nurturing and supportive, he will grow up with a sense of self-esteem that will give him confidence about himself and his abilities. If that feedback is judgmental and criticizing, he will grow up believing the lie that he is "not enough", and this lie will become the story that the "critical voice" rattling around in his head will remind him of whenever he feels his very human limitations.
Another huge contributor to this Inadequacy Myth is a boy's social environment outside the home. One of the rites of passage for boys is the mockery and derision that is inherent in the way boys "relate" to each other. The ideal of being emotionally bulletproof and physically superior to the next kid is where toxic masculinity gets its start. Young boys inherit this unhealthy version of masculinity from a culture that trains them to point out the imperfections of others as a way of feeling better about themselves. It is also very similar to the mockery and derision that occurs in his head about himself whenever he screws up. While much of this back and forth sarcasm among boys may not have contempt as its intention, this type of peer ridicule can validate whatever negative story a boy may already have running in his head about himself that comes from his home environment.
As a man grows into his adulthood, this story of insecurity then plays an important role in how he looks for love and approval from others. Like a software program that always runs in the background on a computer, his Inadequacy Myth "rents space" in the back of his mind, and it cannot help but influence his approach to feeling "good enough" in a job or in a relationship. For example, a client I will call Albert felt very unappreciated by his wife. He explained that his way of showing love was to "do things" for her, like chores around the house, helping with grocery shopping, and chauffeuring the kids. While she appreciated his efforts to get things done, she still needed more from him emotionally that he totally avoided, like talking to her about the things they disagreed about, sharing his life experiences with her, and being interested in what she was experiencing emotionally in her own life. As she expressed her need for these things, Albert felt criticized and unappreciated for all the things he did do. He also felt that no matter what he did, it was "not enough" for her. By the time he came in to therapy with me, his Inadequacy Myth was loud in his head and wreaking havoc on his self-worth. He grew up believing that his efforts to "do things" for his wife should be enough to get her love and approval. Instead, his Inadequacy Myth of "not being enough" was inundating him with shame.
It's not a bad thing to want to "do things" for the woman you love, but for Albert it became his operational definition of love: "She gives me approval and love when I do things for her, so my way of loving her is to continue to do things that make her happy with me". This is the opposite of being authentic. This is more about "performing" to earn praise and acceptance rather than being emotionally vulnerable in order to be real and connect with her. This may have been enough for Albert's wife at the beginning of the relationship, but inevitably it felt like he was hiding his real self behind all his efforts to please her by performing tasks.
As he and I worked together, he started to remember how painful it was for him at a young age to feel both his parents' anger and disappointment when he got bad grades in school. Despite his best efforts, he could not focus his attention on whatever he studied. They accused him of not trying hard enough and would discipline him for "being lazy". What little praise he got from them centered on him doing chores around the house. By the time he reached adolescence, however, he grew tired of their complaints that made him feel so inadequate and bad about himself. So he rebelled in high school by drinking alcohol and getting high, which also helped him dull the emotional pain he felt his whole childhood. By the time he met his wife and got married at age 29, his life was very much a product of his Inadequacy Myth. Because no one ever showed him a healthier version of love, he grew up believing that love was all about performing tasks to get another person's approval and to keep her from being disappointed in his shortcomings. By the time he and his wife had been married for 6 years, all he could feel from her was her disappointment that he was not "doing enough" for her and the relationship.
This is the power that a man's Inadequacy Myth has over him.
In getting Albert to see how this "story of his inadequacy" had been following him around his whole life inside his head, he was able to reality-check whether or not it was really true. He was also ready and willing to learn a healthier version of love that could actually help him feel better about himself, as well as how to hear his wife's needs, without continuing the legacy of his parents' judgments.
A Man's TRUE HEART
As long as a man is at the whim of his Inadequacy Myth, he will be caught in the undertow of his survival instinct that keeps him emotionally cut-off from his wife or girlfriend. More importantly, he will not have access to his own authentic and true feelings. It is this suppression of his emotional world that cuts a man off from understanding and appreciating the true, authentic self that lives inside him.
This genuine, impeccable part of a man, what I call his "True Heart", is locked inside the prison of a man's Survival Paradox.
A man's True Heart is that place inside his heart, not in his head, where:
• He connects to his authenticity, personal integrity, and self-respect.
• The whole range of his emotional world lives, both the light and dark sides.
• The dignity, self-worth, creativity, intuition, and imagination that define his uniqueness resides.
To find and set his True Heart free from the psychological prison of the Survival Paradox, a man must get out of his head and courageously dive into the real experience that lives in his heart. This usually puts him in contact with an unfamiliar experience of himself. It is the deeper, authentic version of himself that does not wear a mask or hide from an open and genuine exchange with the people he loves. This brings him face to face with parts of himself that he may have little awareness of or that he himself may have purposely judged as being unimportant, inadequate, and therefore unlovable.
Understandably, trudging through this unexplored territory inevitably puts him in contact with the pain of his life that is otherwise known as his dark side. Because a man is trained to avoid his feelings, especially his fear, pain, anger, sadness, and shame, it is very confusing and unknown terrain for him. Of course, talking about doing all of this is easier said than done. If it were a simple thing to do, men would already be participating emotionally in their intimate relationships in healthier ways.
As a man accesses the courage to explore the authentic aspects of his personal history, cultural training, and generational legacy that have shaped his identity over the course of his lifetime, he will discover the buried treasure of his true self. He will see that no one ever taught him to value that true self as the sacred work of art that it is. As a clinician, the challenge for me is this: How do I guide a man out of an emotional jail cell that has not only become his comfort zone, but which is also the accepted cultural belief regarding how a man defines himself as a man?
To be clear, the "prison" that men are held captive in is not the instinct to survive; all humans need that instinct no matter what gender they are. Rather, the cage around a man's heart is how his fight-or-flight survival wiring has become deeply associated with who he believes himself to be as a man. Unfortunately, men are taught in so many ways that they need not focus their attention and energy on anything beyond survival, because for thousands of years, the default traits of masculinity have become synonymous with a survival mentality. As I have said, though, this limits men from opening to the emotional vulnerability that allows for an exploration of their emotional world, as well as creating emotional maturity and maintaining emotional closeness with a woman.
