CHAPTER 1
The Jazz and the Blues
It was that year I was born. Was it a newsworthy event? Yes. I was born. Was it historical? Maybe. Cultural? I doubt it, but who knows. Astrological? It must have been since I was born. That means the planets and the stars the whole universe was in harmony giving birth to ME. How was it? Sweat and pain and screaming and yelling. A lot of pain. It must have hurt a lot coming to an unknown place all alone, trying to make my way into the world. And all you see is a light, bright and colored like a rainbow. In fact it is a rainbow. The light. It has all the colors in it. It has everything you want. And something more, Life!
It was quite some time ago but I still remember it. Or maybe ... Anyway ever since that day I have started to die a little. Every day we die a little. So strange, isn't it? We are born to start dying. Every second until we finally remember the day we made the step into the unknown. But maybe that day, the final day, we'll remember exactly that moment, The Birth. It is the moment we are (are we?) ready to be reborn and see the light. Again.
There was a lot of talking crap, wasn't there?
"At least you've had a good morning, haven't you?" my neighbor said to me this morning. I suppose he's right, since nothing is personal or private or intimate anymore nowadays.
In fact I did have a good morning today. I managed to get up like every single morning since that very day when I saw the light. And it's a miracle. Just think how marvelous life is; to feel the heart beating, the blood rushing into your veins and the sweat drops trickling-down all over your body. To wake up early in the morning and open your eyes wide into a fabulous new world full of the unexpected. Full of colors, of dance and movement. Of silence
Of Jazz
And Blues
How was I? Naked. Pretty much naked. As I am today. As I was before and shall be tomorrow. I mean, why should we need something so trivial, so useless as some pieces of thread to hide ... what?
Us from whom we are, to be sure that we'll succeed and conquer that tiny spot, that short moment we've been given here, that we call life?
That morning I thought it would be as usual; shiny and warm. But it wasn't. The wind started to blow and it was quite chilly. The train station looked like a spider net of railways and people. So many people! I've never seen so many in the same place.
There were hundreds of them and all in a hurry making their own smelly tracks on the big hall floor, or waiting diligently for a train to arrive. Sleeping or reading, eating or just holding tightly their crying babies. Or maybe each other's hands, listening to that thrilling, sensual music flowing smoothly through their own breathing haze. If it wasn't for that music playing the moment I entered the hall room, that moment when I met him ...
All that jazz ...
I didn't say a thing, I was just quiet. And waited.
It was the first time. The journey. Was it? Yes, it was, so I was both excited and worried at the same time. Everything was new for me; the places, the town, the road. The people. When I think of it I realize that I was so nervous and focused that day that in fact I don't remember much of the trip. Who were those people on the bus, on the train? Don't know. I have no idea. People. Just people. Travelling
People. Like me.
But I did manage to wake up every day since then. Every morning. Today too. And it's a miracle, isn't it?
Where am I? Here, I suppose. Still here, aware of the moment. At least I try. But seen from another perspective, from another side of the Universe, I don't even exist. I am fiction.
How do I look? Still 25
What am I doing? That was a damn good question.
Who am I with?
Well ...
I still got the blues
"The Mayans believed in a story in which the universe is born, but eventually it dies after five thousand years, only to be resurrected again and again, to repeat the unending cycle of birth and destruction." (Kaku, M., Parallel Worlds, 4)(Kaku, Parallel Worlds, 2004)
"Could you please spell your name" said the judge.
"J- - A - - ... hmm ..." she said, trying to picture the letters. By the middle of the name the judge stopped her.
"Thank you, it's enough", he said realizing she was not used to spelling.
"Whatever" she said to herself, or maybe she only thought of it, letting her hand glide through the air as if measuring the beat of a song.
Unstarted
Unfinished
"Raise your right hand. Place your left hand on the Bible."
She hesitates.
"Ma'am, do you understand me? Do you understand what I'm saying?" said the court officer, raising his voice, looking at the judge with pleading eyes and then with anxiety at the woman standing in front of the desk where two microphones and two copies of the Bible were laying.
She turned her head and looked to the courtroom. Those faces staring back at her, unknown, unwanted. It all felt like a dream, a bad one. It was something that she'd only seen in movies and she never imagined it could happen to her.
"Yes, I understand" she said looking at the court officer who took a few steps towards her to make sure she could hear him.
"Yes, I understand" she repeated, "but I don't believe in God, and I don't believe in the Bible either."
"It's okay! No problem" the judge said. He was a white haired gentle looking old man who seemed more interested in her now.
"Raise your right hand, please" the court officer said.
CHAPTER 2
THE LETTERS
Date: Thu, 15 Oct, 10:07
To: me
The question? We were at the answer ... which you failed to give me ... regarding the things that you do for your own soul, the things that you feed the maze of your inner self with.
And the question?
9:35
What time is it there?
Ok, but ... you didn't answer my question
... So you're not interested in the material aspect of the human existence, most people are – "mea culpa", sorry, but in the spiritual one.
Okay.
* * *
To: me
Interests, hobbies, interpretation of your personal space? Except for your family, your job, your children, presence or absence of pets, and many or not so many miles to the city ... what else is there in your life?
Send me a photo
The subject ... it's you!
Tell me about yourself
* * *
You?
You
... Okay. Pick a subject.
* * *
What a shame. As you wish
* * *
... Not talking?! ...
* * *
Cool!
Still ... not talking?
"Fate"
* * *
Date: 28/10/ 00:50
From: m
Can I answer your question after you come back?
How long will you be gone? A week?
* * *
Date: /10/28
You can answer it when you want to, if you want to. I have learned that nothing is compulsory ...
Yes, I'll be gone a week.
* * *
Date: 31/10/ 10:07
I believed you when you told me you were busy. Should there be any reason for me not to believe you?
* * *
Date: /11/1
No, there shouldn't.
I'll be back on Saturday. Till then ... you can answer:-))
* * *
Date: 02/11/ 19:49
Yes master, as you wish. Into deeper water
As you're used to make decisions, which do you prefer: speed-dating or laid back, relaxed conversation?
* * *
Date: /11/3
To: m
Both, depending on the situation or your mood. You still haven't told me anything about you.
Are you going to open yourself for me? Just a little bit?
* * *
Date: 02/11/ 19:24
From: m
If you insist. But I would like you to answer a question first. "You still don't want to talk?"
How did you get to this conclusion? Last time we met, you came to me. We spent the night together in the little room, where you were living at that time, up in the attic. How many secrets we shared that night ...
Do you remember?
Was there a time in all these years when you and I happened to meet again, somewhere, by chance or by choice, and I refused to talk to you?
Help me remember
* * *
3/11/19:24
To: m
We promised each other that no one could ever take away what we had or everything we'd been through together, no matter what may occur later on. I've always had the feeling and the idea that I can hide inside the drawers of my soul the things which are dear to me.
I don't know why but afterwards, I had the impression that you were mad at me. I repeat, I don't know why; maybe I misbehaved or maybe I did some foolish thing, maybe ... who knows. Had it been so, I am deeply sorry.
You are special and I've always liked you; I prefer everything to be explained lest there should remain any trace of resentment or sorrows.
I would like to see you again.
Well, tell me about yourself and ... help me remember
* * *
Date: 5/11/ 10:41
From: m
Your silence ...
I've opened myself to you. A little bit, just for you. Only now
Is this subject profound enough?
* * *
Date: 11/5/@:
To: m
I have just written you.
Yesterday I drove for ten hours and I got home late at night. We got caught in a terrible storm. The weather forecast for this week doesn't look promising at all.
You could open yourself up to me ... more, just for me, from now on
Yes, I like depths.
* * *
11/5/?
So, you do remember ...
Me
* * *
11/5/
Reply: to me
I only remember the good things. So I remember
* * *
Reply | me: to
Now I'm curious. Tell me all about it!
* * *
Reply | m: to
Generally speaking only good things?
* * *
11/5/
Reply | to: me
I remember looking at you, in the studio where we used to spend our afternoons
I remember that foggy day when we wandered about and I showed you my favorite places
I remember that time when we went mountain hiking.
I remember when we went camping, when we ate crabs.
I remember how we made love I remember ... your taste
* * *
Sent: Thursday, November 5, 9:47
Reply | me to:
You must be one happy man to remember only the good things. For some reasons, it is said that good things are not remembered so easily while the least pleasant ones willfully persist in our memories.
A self-defense mechanism, probably. Perhaps it is why some people are less communicative. Or not communicative at all. So they can keep all for themselves and unaltered that which they consider to be most precious and valuable.
I don't know if of any relevance to you, but you are the only one who has succeeded in reaching the locked recesses, the most fairly hidden corners of my soul. I have never felt so exposed, so vulnerable, so "naked" as I am now.
Not even when we were making love.
* * *
Date: November /5
Reply | to: m
You were never exposed, or vulnerable. Not then, and definitely not now.
The only thing you were was open, and you allowed yourself to be looked at, admired, and loved.
When making love, people are overwhelmed by ... feelings, sensibility and bliss.
* * *
November/5/
I remember it too. Every little thing you say.
I also remember the fact that I had no idea, and it seems that I still haven't learned, how to protect my own feelings. I was ignorant of the fact that we should be selfish, that we should carefully weigh each emotion otherwise everything ends up being trampled down, mocked at.
I remember how surprised I was when you went looking for me and I followed you, curious to understand you, hoping that you might care to talk. What surprised me then was the fact that you went searching for me.
In fact I remember ... I remember that I want to remember the pleasant things.
I do not know you and you certainly don't know me. It is said that a man becomes interesting after 40, while a woman stays forever at 25. The years that have elapsed have certainly affected us but we don't know how.
Now I remember everything you are telling me. Still I don't remember you telling me anything of the kind back then, or up until now. But you must've had a reason for it. Or more /Me
* * *
November/6
Reply | to: me
I may have made many mistakes before, I may have even been rude, I may have stumbled now and then, I may have been arrogant at some points ...
I've also jumped the gun when it came to a lot of things, and committed rebellious acts as well and I sometimes happened to loosely interpret my moments (!!!) of freedom; I was able to take liberties of all kinds.
We were seeing each other from time to time for the mere reason that I liked you, because I wanted to see you, to have you, to feel you, to know that you were mine.
I used to come back and look for you because I liked you. A LOT!
Please forgive me if I've done something wrong. I did it without being aware of it.
With or without slip ups, with or without confusions, with or without foolish or childish acts,
I have always liked you and ...
You must have felt it
You must have realized it
* * *
November, same Day
I wish I could see you again. I guess I would. Or maybe ... I don't know. I don't know how I'd react. Why am I afraid to meet you? I would certainly go along with you and let you decide what came next, just like we did before. Perhaps. I don't know. Now I feel like running away and hiding. In your arms if we were together. I would close my eyes for a minute, and after everything bad would've gone away, and you already told me I'm safe, that no one would ever hurt me again, in that very moment you lift me up, I will talk.
I would have never believed that memories can be so painful. When you wrote me, the intensity with which I relived the moment we met again, frightened me. It shocked me.
Is this what you wanted right from the start?
I thought I knew myself, who I was. But then I began to open myself to you. And in a fit of absence, you invaded me tumbling all my intimacy – thoughts, feelings, memories. Nothing inside me is as it was before. You pulled down my protective wall which I've built ever so carefully and patiently, revealing that you've never actually been out of my life. It becomes obvious that my feelings for you are as strong today as they were then. And it hurts. Physically. Simply and solely. I simply can't shut down my thoughts, I can't chase them away.
There is nothing I can do about it.
I'm defenseless
* * *
Reply | to: ME
You are safe
Painful? They are nice memories for me. It is a trip back in time, a dive back into the depth of my soul and sensations. It is a brew of memories, of flavors. It is a vivid album ... of our youth.
Yes, if we met I would have probably take your hand and swing you into a timeless rush where I would slowly start to remember everything ... while being inside of you.
No, I never had any intention of shocking you. I merely wanted you to be open minded so we could continue one of our conversations started a long time ago.
Fear can be an extraordinary engine. Don't be afraid of fear. It is just another door to an even deeper layer.
I don't want you to feel defenseless. First of all, nothing wrong can happen to you. Secondly you have nothing to lose if you become more intimate with me. And thirdly, I turned forty a few years ago so ... I have become interesting.
Don't be afraid to let yourself be hunted by thoughts of all kinds. Confront them and your fear will eventually go away. Those are facets of your own personality which you discover only when you expose yourself to a great danger, when you push your limits.
We can never truly know ourselves. Once I spent some time with a person who told me that we were all gifted with 7 eyes which successively open during seven lives but inside we all have the strength and resources to open them all at once right during our first incarnation, if we manage to encompass time with our ambitions and anxiety;
Innocently. Wisely.
Our potential has no limits and may God help us to discover what is hidden deep inside of us, and may God protect us from the entire burden our soul can bear.
Those who have previously passed through our lives have never actually left us. I've known this for a long time. At times I find myself talking to people that I haven't seen in decades. I know I do communicate with them.
