The Unknown Woman Within is not your ordinary self-help book. It is a relationship guide that offers advice, companionship, and insight from other women's pain and mistakes including those of the author. It is intended to educate, support, and encourage women to first love themselves; then, ultimately, they will come to know what real love looks and feels like.

The Unknown Woman Within provides the necessary tools that will help women to find self-love, to conquer their failed relationships, and to realize that we all have pain and trouble with love. It's all part of the process called life! This book illustrates the key variables needed for women to cope and reassess their lives after the storms of divorce and broken relationships. Each chapter offers expert examples dealing with love and the decisions we make, good and bad.

This book brings a candid and intimate look at life and relationships that makes it unique among relationship books.

The Unknown Woman Within

Creating the Love Affair with YouBy Torre M. Prothro

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2009 Torre M. Prothro
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4401-5567-3

Contents

Introduction...............................................................xiChapter 1 The Power of a Woman.............................................3Chapter 2 To Thy Self Be True..............................................12Chapter 3 Stop Looking for Daddy...........................................31Chapter 4 Competition Is a No-No...........................................42Chapter 5 What Matters the Most............................................54Chapter 6 The Core of a Man................................................65Chapter 7 Let Bygones Be Bygones...........................................76Chapter 8 Treat a Man Like A Man...........................................88Chapter 9 There Are No Victims, Only Volunteers............................97Chapter 10 Friends or Foes.................................................107Chapter 11 The Love of a Good Man Begins Inside of You.....................114Chapter 12 Have You Found Your Unknown Woman?..............................125

Chapter One

The Power of a Woman

If we are really honest with ourselves, we must admit that many of our pains and frustrations begin from within. As women, we have such an innate component within us to self-hate and abuse ourselves. Now I am not equipped to understand what it is to be born male, and I sure as heck do not know how to live as one; however, what I know for sure is that being raised female is a painstaking, emotional, heart-wrenching, and glorious experience.

We learn very early on that we are viewed differently and expected to behave differently than men. There is something so special and intrinsically unique about being born to the female species. We know we are the bearers of life, and yet most of us find nothing beautiful or sacred about ourselves. We know we give balance and stability to our homes, and yet most of us feel unappreciated and of no value to anyone. We do possess brains and in most cases are very intelligent, but many of us resort to playing or portraying dumb in order to make others feel more important and comfortable around us. In almost all phases of any woman's life, you will find some form of insecurity, fear, or inferiority.

We are all too often overwhelmed and taken over by these emotions. This is not to say that it is wrong to feel these human emotions from time to time. However, they should not consume, control, or be a major foundation of our existence in supposed loving relationships. Women have had to establish their role and power since the very beginning of time.

In the Garden of Eden, Eve (the first woman on earth) convinced Adam (the first man on earth), who had a direct physical, mental, and emotional connection with God, to eat the forbidden fruit that God himself had forbidden him to eat. Now, ladies, this must have been one heck of a woman to be able to sway Adam from his maker's orders. We are awesome and splendid creatures. We are awesome because God made us to be smart, beautiful, and yes, powerful.

What Eve did was wrong, but she was given some kind of gift or talent to make Adam listen to her and give into her. If we learn to accept and surrender to these special gifts that God has given us for the good and not for the bad, just think of how powerful we could be.

Throughout centuries, we have been able to develop dynasties and kingdoms through these talents. Women in the past had nowhere near the power, freedom, or education that we do today. However, such women as Cleopatra, Queen Elizabeth, Joan of Arc, and Marie Antoinette were all able to accomplish what most of us today have absolutely no clue of how to even begin. This is not some old mystery or secret.

These women believed in themselves and used the times and the knowledge that they had to get the job done. So why is it that today we live in a world where we are reduced to being sexy, stupid, or fearful and being preyed upon by others? We are still competing with one another based on our beauty, marital status, and whether or not we have children. This is a very unfortunate place to still be in since there has been so much other progress within our society for women.

This lack of self-assurance and peace within the female experience should be put in the proper perspective and then left there. It should never again be the vehicle that many of us drive through our lives in.

Times are changing, and there is no longer a need or place for insecure, fearful, and desperate women. We are still in constant and perpetual unawareness of our strength, potential, and destinies if we allow others to determine when and where our happiness will exist. We need to be at peace within ourselves. This peace is paramount for us to possess in order to live the full and productive lives we are hopefully striving for.

Have you ever noticed how men stick together and back each other up in times of trouble; even if they are in competition with each other? They seem to have this secret underground boys' club that keeps them unified and together in many circumstances. We, on the other hand and in most instances, will drop a girlfriend, a dream, and/or a family member in a second for the hope of a man's attention or approval. There seems to be no loyalty among women. We can be so catty and underhanded in our everyday dealings with each other. Society has been able to place so many burdens on women that we seem ready to do nowadays whatever is necessary to get a man and to hold onto him.

What happened to the power of simply knowing ourselves? When women were not allowed to work, they still possessed an assuredness of self. The women of our grandmothers' day did not have the freedom that we do, but they had so much more sense of self and what their contribution was to their families and communities. Where is the confidence we once had? Where is the assurance that one day we will have what we so rightfully deserve? This confidence was the foundation that created and guided the feminist movement.

Women of the past were not afraid of never finding Mr. Right. They made it in life with or without him. Where is the strength in believing, come hell or high water, that if he does not come, I will make it on my own? I will not only make it on my own, but I will be happy while I wait, and I will enjoy the life God has given to me. Why do we still insist on determining whether or not we are whole by the status of being married or single? This is an awareness that needs to be conveyed to our younger women so we will stop promoting scared and insecure women.

Ladies, I hope most of us realize that strong women produce strong communities and that weak and fearful women produce weak and preyed upon communities. If you think I am wrong, just look at our communities right now. The communities our grandmothers fostered were stronger, more productive, and much more unified than ours. No matter what emotional state we are in, we contribute that same state of being to our homes and our communities. What picture of power are we projecting to our families and society as a whole?

"Do not fear your inner thoughts, opinions, or power! We do know what is best for us! Just trust yourself!" -Constance Bryant

Marsha, a young divorced mother with three kids, lives in an urban inner city and is struggling to make ends meet. She is in her second year of pursuing her Bachelor's degree in business, and Marsha is tired of hustling and being without a broad shoulder to rest upon at night. She is lonely and, most of all, tired of making it happen all on her own. Marsha is a beautiful woman and is propositioned all the time from different men at her waitressing job if she would go out with them.

Marsha is no fool, and she knows what dating these men would involve. She remembers hearing her mother telling her to stay close to God and to remain on her journey. "If you lay down with dogs, you will get up with fleas, Marsha." That was one of her favorite lines to keep Marsha straight.

Well, one day, she is approached by a very rich, attractive, and powerful man who tells her he is unhappily married and would love to help her out with her financial problems as well as her kids. The rent is due, and Marsha is tired of struggling-but deep down inside, she knows that once she agrees to lower herself to this so-called proposition, she would then be no different than the lowlife that offered her this so-called great deal.

Marsha focuses on the fact that in two years she will have her college degree in business and will certainly be in a better position. She then very graciously declines his offer. This was a hard decision for her at this time in her life. However, after thinking it over, a sense of esteem and pride fills her soul.

Life is filled with these types of situations for us as women. In order for us to make a difference, we have to begin from within. Marsha could have accepted his offer and allowed her kids to see how she compromised herself and them for a few dollars. What would her daughters get from that silent message? What would her son get from that silent message? What would Marsha stoop to next after this offer has run its course or is no longer enough for her? See, we as women affect so many others with the decisions and manners in which we conduct ourselves. What could have happened to that man's wife and his children had the affair become public knowledge? This one bad decision could cause many others pain in the years to come.

"No matter what you do, always do what you know to be right." These words I grew up listening to time after time after time. It has not always been easy to follow, and there have been times that I did not do what was right-and, yes, I paid for it. Being strong and powerful means making the right decisions even when we don't want to.

It is funny how what a person hears over and over again becomes a part of them-it sticks. If you are told that you are stupid, ugly, and fat, you believe that immediately. However, hearing good things about yourself, for many of us, takes a lot more time to grab hold of us. Luckily, the saying is true that practice does make perfect.

Try to start programming yourself to do what you know to be right, even if it is difficult to do. Start telling yourself every day all day what you would like to be. Begin by telling yourself you are strong, powerful, courageous, beautiful, smart, God-fearing, and whatever else positive it is you secretly wish to be down within your soul. It is almost as if we come into this world prepared for the pain and anguish of living, rather than the joy and success of living. We are in many situations programmed to be unhappy. So, let's try to reverse this program. Begin each day reversing your past ill-willed thoughts and actions by thinking positively and confidently about you.

How does a woman become powerful? How powerful would you like to become? Are you afraid of being strong and powerful? These are questions that hopefully you are asking yourself or would like to know the answers to. A woman's financial status, education, or skills in manipulation have nothing to do with her power. A woman's power is in direct accordance with her integrity, love of self, and love of others. Once a woman has full awareness of who she is and what her purpose is in life, she can begin to understand how and what she can contribute to her community and to others. Power is when a woman knows how to change herself in order to change others.

In the above example, Marsha had a choice to make regarding her integrity. If she had chosen poorly, she could have hurt and affected many others by her decision. The choice that she made was not an easy one to make, but it allowed her to sleep at night knowing that she-and no one else-was still in control of her and her family's future. Marsha made a powerful stand for herself, and she more than likely earned the respect of the man who had propositioned her.

No one respects a weak, unaware person, especially not a powerful, successful man. There are many women who would relinquish their power and respect over to a man for the unsure notion of financial security and a life a little easier than what they are normally accustomed to. However, Marsha decided to invest in herself and her current agenda to better her living situation. Marsha took a step toward self-empowerment.

She chose to believe in herself and not live in a fairy-tale world of Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now to see her through a rough spot. These so-called rough spots in life are where we learn to stand and fight for what is ours and what we believe in. Power can start with just the simple decision to be totally and completely independent and free from others' influences over your life.

What does power look and feel like? It looks like being in control of your life. It looks like knowing that no matter what, you are special and important regardless of your financial status or the size dress you wear. Power is a reflection of who you are inside. It is a reflection of every decision that you have made in your life. If we were to take a look at the lives of Oprah Winfrey, Condoleezza Rice, Tyra Banks, or Hillary Rodham Clinton, we would see the many decisions they have made, but we would also see the reverence and fearlessness that comes with being powerful, successful, and confident women.

Most successful women are placed in compromising situations one after another, and in most of them they choose to make the right decision. There were probably many poor choices made as well, but what a powerful woman does is to make a right from her wrong and continue to pursue her dreams and aspirations. She does not blame another for her wrong decisions, nor does she play the victim and throw her hands up in desperation and defeat.

Powerful women are representations of the choices that they have made, both good and bad. They are no different than you. They only chose differently than you did. Your choice is your road to your future. If you want a successful and happy future, you must make the right choices.

You have to discipline yourself to make better decisions for your life. A successful woman is okay with, and in many circumstances comfortable with, sacrificing the right now for the future. She has disciplined herself in such a way that settling for anything less than what she aspires to is simply not enough. A successful woman knows that she must take responsibility for her accomplishments as well as her mistakes.

The successful women of the world get up and move on from their mistakes. They do not wallow in their misguided decisions. They use poor decisions and bad mistakes as tools to discipline and refine themselves. They do not mind sacrificing and waiting to get what is rightfully theirs, whether it be careers, men, children, fame, and/or success. So, ladies, get up and get going and know that your happiness, success, and yes, your power all begin within you. Find peace and power by living in a constant state of integrity, love, and discipline.

Recap of Chapter 1

1. Stop being afraid of your power and potential.

2. The journey to finding your power is a constant and enduring process.

3. The power of a woman is congruent with her integrity, responsibility, and commitment to others.

4. Learning from your personal mistakes and bad decisions is all part of the journey toward finding your power.

5. Powerful women are a representation of the choices that they have made, both good and bad.

Chapter Two

To Thy Self Be True

Growing up female in this country means many different things. We were once told we are not as strong, intelligent, or dynamic as men. A boy child is still viewed in many homes and families as being superior and more of a blessing than a girl child. Growing up female has also been congruent as being a liability for many families. The paternal name will die off if a boy child is not born (and, of course, often the mother is blamed if a boy child is not birthed).

This whole fallacy was, of course, digested and accepted by many of us. In order to keep it a predominately man's world, there has to be an oppressed woman, a woman who has to answer to a man in all parameters of her life. This means in order for her to fit properly into a man's world, she must first know her place and then, of course, stay in it as well. It has only been forty years since women have been allowed to express themselves freely without a lot of opposition and strife. This is all stated to prove that we are now a different breed of women, and it also means we expect to be treated differently as well.

"Power is knowing what works and what does not work for you anymore." -Wyomme Grubbs

Trying to live up to expectations of the past will not work. We have changed, and they have changed. We can no longer expect the same things from men while we insist upon being treated differently in corporate offices, in sports arenas, and in the bedroom. At some point, we are going to have to deal with the fact that in our own changing, we have changed others as well.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Unknown Woman Withinby Torre M. Prothro Copyright © 2009 by Torre M. Prothro. Excerpted by permission.
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