• 1.1 THE INVOCATION OF LOVE •

Love is the most universal, the most tremendous and the most mysterious of the cosmic forces.

— Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

In its mysterious and unpredictable way, love sweeps into our life and suddenly our world is changed. We begin to glow with a magical radiance and there is an atmosphere of beauty around us. We feel a new and inexplicable sense of wholeness, a joy which transports us beyond our ordinary, everyday state of being. The very presence of our beloved one makes us happy. We are fulfilled, complete, the world is bursting with unexpected, limitless possibilities, and each of us believes the other person to be the source of this wondrous state.

What most of us experience as love is, no doubt, a mixture of illusion and longing, romanticized desires and wish-fulfilling fantasy. Yet, at the same time, love as we know it, is a reflection of the great spiritual truth which has been taught by every Wisdom Tradition since time without measure: i.e., Love is the cause of all creation and the sustaining power in all that lives. Indeed, Love is the greatest power on earth.

The 20th century theologian, Paul Tillich, said, "I have given no definition of love. This is impossible, because there is no higher principle by which it could be defined." But even though we may not be able to define it, love can be felt and known at some level by every one of us.

Most of us associate love with the strong feelings it evokes in us, yet love is much more than feelings and emotions. Love is that most powerful, creative energy which, when it streams through our being, affects every level of our life — physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

In our self-centered and materialistic culture, we suffer greatly from a poverty of love. For many of us, the shared values of social and cultural traditions have lost their cohesive power and, as history amply demonstrates, these secular cultural forces only appear to connect people, they are only temporary artifacts and they inevitably break down. In our world today, the atmosphere is clouded by a pervasive feeling of separation and alienation from one another. And we are constantly showered with seemingly rational explanations to excuse and justify the bitterness, violence, anger and fear that characterize our relations with one another. Where is love?

The development of love is the underlying true purpose for the blended life of a man and woman — as well as the communal life of all humanity — and love is the only real power that can hold us together. Indeed, love is the only power that can move us toward a more noble and lofty, spiritual destiny. We must begin now, as the Bible tells us, to "love one another." If a man and a woman living together were to actively and intentionally focus on the renewal and intensification of their love for each other, their relationship could become a creative vehicle for deep fulfillment and spiritual growth. In truth, there is nothing that can stop us. Despite how we might feel, despite every apparent obstacle or problem, in this moment, we can begin to love.

The purpose of The Way of the Beloved is to develop love in the relationship between a man and a woman. Since love on its own will not sustain itself in this relationship, we must continually and intentionally renew its presence, in our heart and in our life. Therefore we go directly to the essential core of The Way of the Beloved with an exercise that builds on the love we already know. It is a practice of remembrance and invocation which recalls, rekindles and intensifies love in a simple and direct way.

• THE EXERCISE •

• If you are alone, sit in a comfortable position in a quiet room. Close your eyes and relax. Mentally put aside the cares and problems of your day. Think of the one you love and visualize him or her in your mind's eye. When you see or feel the presence of your loved one, say the words, "I love you, ... [person's name] ..." (silently). Repeat the words over and over. Sustain the visualization and repetition for 2 or 3 minutes.

• If you are together, sit comfortably next to each other in a quiet room. You may hold hands or touch each other — or not, as you prefer. You may look at each other or close your eyes. You will find it easier to focus on the exercise if you close your eyes. Put aside any conflicts, duties or problems between you. If you are looking at each other, say, "I love you, ... [person's name] ..." (silently to one another). If your eyes are closed, visualize or feel the other person in your mind's eye as you repeat the words. Keep repeating the words as you hold the image for 2 or 3 minutes.

• You may begin by recalling a time, perhaps that beginning time when you both were delightfully, surprisingly, spontaneously in love. Recall what it was like, remember what the other person was like, and feel what you were feeling at that time of new love between you. As you say, "I love you ... [name] ...," the remembrance of your love can make it present to you and that love becomes your experience at this very moment.

• Afterwards, writing notes of your experience will increase your awareness.

This exercise sounds simple — it is simple — but it produces powerful effects. Through this exercise you are invoking and drawing into your awareness the love you already know. "Re-member" literally means to "form-again." Remembering love cannot fail to turn your relationship in a positive direction. Do it, and observe the effects. If there is harmony in your relationship, this practice will intensify the love between you. If there is conflict and unhappiness in your relationship, this practice will help to center you. As you recall the love you have had for each another, you actively invoke love to become your state now.

Many people say that they want more love in their relationship, but usually they have no idea of how to do it. Those who actually do the Invocation of Love each day, tell us that the effects are far reaching. The exercise can be done at any time, anywhere, during a 5-minute break at the office or a few silent moments at home. A particularly good time to stop everything else and focus on love is just before you leave the house in the morning or just before you go to bed at night. It does not matter whether you are alone or together, or whether the other person knows what you are doing or not. Wherever or whenever you do it, regular practice will intensify the love in your relationship and make you more aware of your love for each other for at least a few more minutes each day.

For example, one couple doing this work was building a house. Every morning one of them would go in the pickup truck to get building materials and the other would take the children to their play-school and bring lunch to the building site. When they met at the building site, the first thing that they did was to sit down on their beautiful piece of land and spend five minutes doing this Invocation of Love together. The hustle and bustle of preparations were left behind and they began their construction work in love and harmony. Another woman told us that she does the Invocation while she is stopped at red lights in city traffic. And a businessman said that the 20 minute drive to work every morning had become a time of beaming out love to his wife instead of worrying about the work day to come.

Reactions to this exercise are varied: Some people are filled with keen anticipation and others become frightened or shy. Some couples report that they remember the exercise in the middle of an argument and are suddenly unable to continue fighting. Some find the exercise difficult to do because they are feeling angry or resentful toward their partner. YOU CAN DO THIS EXERCISE REGARDLESS OF YOUR FEELINGS.

Of course, when you are feeling separated from your loved one and in a negative state, you will not want to love the person you consider to be the source of your pain. However, this is precisely the time to remember the love instead of perpetuating the separating emotions. You can choose now to love your partner, even if you feel like doing just the opposite.

For more than twenty-five years we have been starting our classes for couples with the Invocation of Love. Couples come in from their busy workday full of concerns, worries, and distracting thoughts, but 2-3 minutes of focusing on the love for each other brings a tangible softening and intensification of the atmosphere in the room. If you do this exercise regularly and with sincerity, more love will flow through you and you will feel and see a difference in your relationship. A man in one of these classes recently wrote:

Often in the early morning my beloved and I sit in meditation ... we silently repeat the love invocation. Starting the day this way not only connects me with Joan, but also creates for me a quiet, solid foundation that throughout the day gives me an ease and lightness of being that makes for an effortless and satisfying day. My heart, without prompting, will say, "Joan, I love you." I know how different it is when, for whatever reason, I rush out of the house to meet the day crashingly head on ...

In the last few months, the lessons have sunk in. I now see and experience that negativity disappears when I love. Getting myself into a state of loving changes the world. Now, in the heat of the battle, or more often right after, when I am still shaking with anger and fear, I say the simple love invocation. And when I stay with it, the fear, and anger, and hurt dissipate. I see clearly that my work is to love my beloved. I trust the rest will follow.

The Invocation of Love is simple, effective and, above all, practical. It is practical because the simple act of turning your mind and heart toward your partner with love brings love into your life at this very moment. The Invocation of Love is something beautiful and spiritual that you can do everyday for the rest of your life.

Only so long as they loved did they live!
For only love, like life, which love is, has no Why or Wherefore,
No thing which would precede it;
Hence love alone is an absolute end in itself,
The end or perfection of all things, As well as their beginning,
To which everything else serves as a means.
It is true to say of it: They say love has no law.
Why not? Because love is itself The Supreme Law!

• 1.2 VISION, GOALS AND COMMITMENTS •

We are used to thinking that everything happens to us because of past causes. This is a very incomplete thought. There are more causes and far stronger causes in the future, but we do not call them causes; we use different names. For example, goals are causes; visions are causes; promises, decisions, intentions are causes; a deeper understanding is a cause. All these causes affect our life in much deeper ways than the causes of the past because these new causes are formulated by the will operating on higher levels and in greater insight.

— Torkom Saraydarian

A relationship between a man and woman without a goal or a vision is destined to flounder in the churning sea of life's events. Rising and falling on waves of emotion there is no guiding principle to steady its passage through modern life. For many the external goals of career, family, and success are not enough to provide the required energy to overcome the conflicting forces in the world that pull couples apart.

Most of us enter into a love relationship with some ideas of what we want from the other person and what sort of life we would like to lead, but often we are unaware of our deeper expectations and hopes. Until the middle of the twentieth century, most people's hopes and expectations of marriage and family life were consistent with the accepted social conventions and institutions of the times. But with the breakdown and realignment of the traditional social structures and the extensive intermarriage between different racial and cultural groups within our diverse society, the ideals of marriage and family have become vague and confused. How can a marriage succeed if a person's deepest hopes, expectations and ideals are not brought consciously into the relationship?

Having a goal awakens us to a sense of purpose in our relationship. It gives us something to strive for, a reason for being together. It provides us with a means to grow, to surpass what we have already accomplished and to reach for a greater achievement. If our goals are conscious, then they become a power that guides and energizes our thoughts, feelings, and actions. If two people have a common goal in life, they gather greater energy to support and give meaning to their striving. A couple brings a sense of purpose into focus when they verbalize and give form to the goals and commitments of their relationship.

The subject of commitment carries a strong emotional charge or potency. In the modern world where traditional norms have disintegrated, it is not at all clear what we are committing ourselves to, or what our responsibilities will become when we enter into a love relationship. Under such conditions of cultural uncertainty, it is not surprising that people experience fear and reluctance when faced with the issue of commitment. What can equal the power of attraction or repulsion, the joy or pain, the exaltation or despair of our love relationships? It is in this most intimate loving relationship that we must examine our natural and habitual inclinations and develop new ideas of responsibility and commitment.

We believe that the love between man and woman has an unlimited potential for spiritual growth and fulfillment. Thus as a couple develops deeper commitments to their relationship and strives for higher goals together, they can bring forth a beautiful and creative vision of the fulfillment of their combined destiny This vision can be a great inspiration, even if it seems fantastic and totally unattainable. Such a vision becomes an image to reach toward. The image is like a magnet which radiates upon us its unseen power, as we strive to enliven it and make it a reality within our own consciousness.

People usually find that there are two or three major goals for their relationship and life as a couple. When they recognize this, they discover that some of their other goals are subordinate and lose their importance as the major aspirations are fulfilled. For example, a woman told us that her primary goal was, "to love and support her husband at all times" and consequently her desire for a greater income and material comfort had become relatively unimportant. Also several men have reported that their desire for "better sex" was really a way of expressing the greater desire for more love in the relationship. They had found that sex was subordinate to more intense lovingness and it no longer was such a big issue when the love was flowing.

Aim for the highest goals you can imagine. If you set moderate goals, your inspiration and therefore your achievement will be moderate. If you aim for something 'higher', you have a greater possibility of achieving something higher. The goal itself becomes a power in your life, stimulating and inspiring you to move towards its realization.

A similar process occurs with commitments. There is a whole spectrum of levels of commitment to another person, ranging from casual dating, to an intense dedication to uniting through love in every area of life. As with goals, the deeper and more far-reaching the commitment, the greater the possibility for growth and higher achievement.

Commitments are related to goals and often they are overlapping. In most relationships we usually assume what the other person is committed to and these assumptions are never brought out into the open or verified unless a crisis occurs. In a crisis we may make the painful discovery that we had thought that the other person was committed in ways that she or he really is not, or we are completely unaware of a commitment that is expected of us. If couples clarify their commitments, bring them into focus, and make them specific, both people know where the relationship stands and what they can expect from one another.

Goals, commitments and visions are not static. They change as people and conditions change. For this reason, we recommend that couples reevaluate their goals and commitments periodically, perhaps once every 2-3 years. This exercise is designed to help you become aware of the present state of your goals and commitments, and to decide how you might wish to change them so that your relationship can grow in love.