Family conflict can wreak havoc on people diagnosed with psychiatric disorders. A Way Out of Madness offers guidance in resolving family conflict and taking control of your life. The book also includes personal accounts of family healing by people who were themselves psychiatrically diagnosed. Contributors include: Patch Adams, M.D., inspiration for Robin Williams filmJoanne Greenberg, author, I Never Promised You a Rose GardenDavid Oaks, director, MindFreedom InternationalWill Hall, co-founder, Freedom Center
A Way Out of Madness
Dealing With Your Family After You've Been Diagnosed with a Psychiatric DisorderBy Daniel Mackler Matthew MorrisseyAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2010 Editorial matters and Part I, Daniel Mackler and Matthew Morrissey
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4490-8348-9Contents
Acknowledgments..................................................................................................ixEditors' Introduction............................................................................................xi1) The Nature of Family Conflict.................................................................................32) The Power of the Family.......................................................................................53) When Your Perceptions of Reality Differ from Those of Your Parents............................................94) Understanding Your Role in the Family.........................................................................135) Dealing with Feelings of Shame and Stigma.....................................................................196) Your Relationship with the Mental Health System...............................................................257) Boundaries: The Basis for Respect.............................................................................318) Dealing with Anger, Frustration, and Grief....................................................................399) Forgiveness...................................................................................................4310) Practicing a Healthy Lifestyle...............................................................................4911) Dealing With Money...........................................................................................5712) Getting Help Through Psychotherapy...........................................................................6113) Distance Versus Closeness with Your Family...................................................................6714) Points of No Return-Turning Points with Family Annie G. Rogers (with Mary M. Rogers)........................7315) "If Our David Wants to Try Freedom": Families as Allies and Allies as Family David Oaks.....................8116) The Harm of Early Hurt Carol Hebald.........................................................................8917) The Family Messiah Matthew Morrissey........................................................................9718) Attachments Lost And Found Dorothy W. Dundas................................................................10519) Life After Family Will Hall.................................................................................11320) My Family and I Joanne Greenberg............................................................................11921) Patch's Story Patch Adams...................................................................................12522) Coming Off Psychiatric Drugs, Coming Into Myself Gianna Kali................................................12923) Best Friends with Mom Daniel Mackler........................................................................13524) Listening to Each Other: My Mother and I Janet Foner........................................................14325) What They Don't Tell You, You Can Tell Your Family Oryx Cohen...............................................151Index............................................................................................................157
Chapter One
The Nature of Family Conflict
Families can be wonderful-and also difficult. Some degree of conflict with your family, and particularly your parents, is a normal and expected part of development into independent adulthood. Yet when you experience severe emotional problems, particularly those that get diagnosed as mental disorders or lead to psychiatric hospitalizations, these conflicts are often heightened. This can disrupt your process of developing into the unique person you were meant to become. This disruption, if not resolved properly, can so easily leave you stuck and frustrated in your life.
This can throw your entire family into further turmoil, worsening your dilemma. Frustrations that were previously buried can rise to the surface, and old wounds, dormant sometimes for decades, can erupt. This can be an extremely painful time, both for you and your family. This is a time when the most support is needed-and yet a time when it is most difficult for family members to support one another.
Regrettably, people diagnosed with psychiatric disorders often find few available resources to guide them. Although good therapy and good peer support can be immensely helpful, they are not always available-and in many cases are rare. It is all too common that well-meaning peers and professionals simply cannot relate to what goes on behind the closed doors of your family home-and in your mind. They have never experienced it, perhaps have never even considered it, which makes it difficult for them to translate their experience into something useful and healing for you.
The same is often true with your parents and family. Although they may love you, and have a desperate urge to help you, this love may not be the love you need-and may actually hinder your forward progress, despite their best intentions. They may think they understand what is going on in your life and in your thoughts, but that does not always mean they do. Sometimes your inner world is just too painful for them to comprehend, especially if they feel partially responsible. This, however, may not stop them from thinking they know what is best for you. This can leave you feeling controlled, judged, and even stigmatized, which at the very least can be frustrating, and at the worst disempowering and alienating. This not only impedes your recovery but can also heighten the intensity of family conflict.
We aim to provide you with a measure of understanding and support-and new ideas. We wish to share the best of our experience on what it takes to achieve a life of increased balance with your family, and ultimately a wider life of inner tranquility. We have seen firsthand just how family conflict can wreak havoc on recovery, and by the same token we have witnessed again and again how family support-strong, loving, respectful family support-can, if you can develop it, be a wonderfully healing asset. Although we recognize that not every family situation will ultimately develop into an optimally supportive situation, we strongly believe that the resolution of serious family conflict is possible for everyone, and that you, through your increased understanding and actions, can steer your life in this direction.
* * *
Questions for Self-Reflection
1) What is the nature of my conflict with my family?
2) How long has this conflict been going on?
3) How does my family conflict affect me?
4) What kind of a relationship would I prefer with my family members?
5) Can I acknowledge that there is some hope for me to improve my relationship with my family members?
Chapter Two
The Power of the Family
The family is one of the most powerful forces in the universe, on par with gravity, electricity, and momentum. The simplest way to observe this is to see how quickly we change when we spend concentrated time around our families after being away for a period. How easily we slip into old patterns we thought we had long since given up. This change can sometimes be quite pronounced in people diagnosed with mental disorders. Many find they can be quite well-adjusted and even tranquil and self-loving when they are away from their families, only to find their tranquility disrupted when they step back into their families. Some people even return to hearing voices or having delusional thoughts as a consequence. At other times, the change is milder, with people feeling depressed, confused, withdrawn, or self-doubting after being around their families. Holidays-a time of historical closeness with the family-can be particularly intense, with flare-ups of all varieties of emotional conflict, even with people who have great love and respect for their families.
Other people, however, feel lost, isolated, and even hopeless when they are away from their families. They feel a sense of massive relief when they return. Their families constitute a domain of comfort and nurturance, one not always easy to recreate in the outer world, especially if one feels different or alienated from peers.
Family, be it positive or negative, is a charged equation for everyone. No one is neutral about his or her family. And this should be no surprise. Our personalities were formed within the heat, pressure, and intimacy of our families. Our families were our first contact with other human beings, and provided us our original templates for how to relate to one another. They provided our primary role model for acceptable behavior. Early on we internalized as normal their combination of love and un-love, and our personalities-both our strengths and our weaknesses-adjusted in relation to this. In time, as we grew, we came to witness alternate ways of relating to others, which gave us perspective on our families and helped us realize the relative strengths and weaknesses of our origins. But that did not always change the imprinted make-up of who we were and who we are.
Some people feel that their families are responsible for having created their mental or emotional problems. Although the degree to which this may or may not be true is beyond the scope of this book, one thing is clear: families can have a profound effect on the course of a person's emotional life and, specifically, the course of a psychiatric disorder. People whose families are deeply supportive in mature and healthy ways tend to do far better than those whose families are unsupportive, judgmental, stigmatizing, or even over-involved.
It is our hope that through the course of this book you maximize the benefit you derive from your family. This may be no small feat. Although your family may wield incredible power over you, and seem to control the reins of your life-perhaps guiding your psychiatric treatment, dispensing your money, hospitalizing you if they decide, choosing your therapist (and even your medications), evicting you from your bedroom, perhaps even setting your adult curfew-you retain a massive amount of power to change things for the better. Contrastingly, if you do not handle your potential power optimally, you might also change things for the worse.
This book encourages you to seek within yourself your own center of healthy power and to nourish it. This, along with many of the points we make in this book, is easier said than done. Old habits die hard, and sometimes not only we, but our parents and families, resist change. Like us, they may be quite locked into ancient patterns and ancient relationships. Many parents find it difficult to watch their now-adult child grow up, and sometimes, despite the best intentions and with no conscious desire, might contribute to keeping him or her stuck.
This makes your task, the task of taking back your power and striving toward independence-mental independence first and foremost-all the more challenging. But it is by no means impossible.
And it is this that sets the stage for a much more fulfilling, and empowered, life.
* * *
Questions for Self-Reflection
1) In what ways does my family have power over me? In what ways do they not have power over me?
2) In what ways are my family members important to me in my life?
3) In what ways do I slip into old patterns when I spend time with my family members?
4) Do I like or respect my own behavior when I'm around my family?
5) In what ways am I different when I am not around my family?
6) In what ways do my family members encourage and impede my path toward independence?
Chapter Three
When Your Perceptions of Reality Differ from Those of Your Parents
Each of us has his or her own unique perception of reality. That is part of being human. Although we may enjoy the challenge of interacting with people with alternate points of view, we usually tend to gravitate toward those with whom we share things in common. Many people are uncomfortable around others whose perspectives are radically different from their own. For this reason, some people avoid interacting with people of foreign cultures, avoid speaking in foreign languages, even avoid eating foreign foods. Likewise, many people are uncomfortable with a person diagnosed with a mental disorder, because he or she experiences reality differently.
This does not mean, however, that your perception of reality is necessarily wrong or inaccurate. Any study of the "mad" geniuses throughout history should be enough to dispel that myth. Also, sometimes people are diagnosed with mental disorders because their all-too-true perception of reality is too painful for the norm to accept. Our world has a long history of pathologizing-and marginalizing, stigmatizing, even medicating-truth-tellers. We, as therapists, have even witnessed people being labeled "delusional" or "paranoid," on top of whatever other disorders with which they might be diagnosed, for resisting being medicated!
Families may become uncomfortable when one of their members sees things differently than they do. This is part of the reason teenagers clash with their parents. The parent says "I know what is right and best for you," and the teenager does not agree. This family clash can be even more heightened when a person, now an adult, is diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder. Perhaps you hear things that other people cannot hear. Perhaps you see or feel things that others do not consider to exist. Perhaps you understand things or perceive things or think things out in a way that others cannot conceptualize. Perhaps you have fears or beliefs that others do not share. Perhaps you speak in ways or on levels that others cannot understand. And perhaps you tell the truth in a way that frightens them.
Often others will want to squelch, rather than embrace, your differences. Maybe they are not as tolerant as you would like them to be, and it can seem that you always have to be the one who adjusts to their perceptions. Perhaps you have learned to keep quiet about what you perceive, because if you express your point of view they only take more distance from you, which makes your life even more alienating and isolating, not to mention painful. It's hard enough to see the world through different eyes than those of everyone else, let alone to be marginalized further if you talk about it, much less argue it. Others would much prefer if you just "quit being so different" and lived life their way. If only it were so easy!
So how do you deal with your family when your perceptions differ from theirs? Shutting yourself down and going silent generally only makes things worse, yet so too can opening up. This is like living between a rock and a hard place, and not surprisingly can produce much anxiety, which clouds your judgment and leads to feelings of desperation and pressure.
Yet it is possible for your family to appreciate-and not pathologize-some of your perceptions. And maybe it is possible for you first to share not your perceptions, but your feelings of alienation and isolation around your perceptions. For instance, if you thought the room was bugged with microphones and you knew your family would react negatively to this ("oh c'mon, you're paranoid!"), instead of talking about microphones you might instead tell them, "I don't exactly feel comfortable sharing my perceptions, but I will say that I feel very alone and frightened with my ideas, and that is hard." Many times this works in eliciting empathy from people who are otherwise closed off to giving it.
Likewise, perhaps you can be more respectful of their alternate perceptions of reality, and their feelings of alienation from you. If they could have their magic wish they would probably want you to adopt their point of view, but isn't it true that if you could have your wish you would probably have them see things your way? Unfortunately this rarely happens. Perhaps instead you and they can both learn to become more tolerant of your mutual differences. Accomplishing this inherently improves family relationships-and your overall life. This takes time, and hard work on your part, but the good news is that it is possible. In subsequent chapters we will address various ways to accomplish it.
Also, there may be things you can learn from them. Maybe some of their ideas, even if they do not express them well or express them in the most loving way, have some relevance for you. Perhaps, as a possible example, they are able to see, in ways that you might miss, the negative impact of isolation on your life. Or perhaps they have ideas for things you might do or try-support groups, for instance-that you have not considered. Here it is vital for you to embrace the message-without getting lost in the style of the messenger. Perhaps your family has hounded you to change your ways for so long and with such intensity that you defend yourself and your perspective by ignoring everything they say. You wouldn't be the first to do this! We all do this to some degree or other, and it forms the basis of whatever rigidity or inflexibility we might have.
Your challenge is to be flexible-and humble. Others might not be, but we cannot control them. We can only control ourselves. Ideally we can strive to look within ourselves, trust our hearts and souls enough to listen deeply to what others have to tell us-and struggle to learn from them. You may not agree with their ideas, and their ideas might in fact be dead wrong, but we can even learn from that. We often learn the most from those who have a radically alternate perspective to ours. This is not easy, though if we can find it within ourselves to trust others, even for a single solitary moment, we do ourselves a great service.
* * *
Questions for Self-Reflection
1) How do my perceptions of reality differ from the perceptions of my family members?
2) In what ways do my family members and I pressure each other to adopt each other's viewpoints?
3) In what ways might I be more accepting of their differing versions of reality? What might I be able to learn from them?
4) In what ways do these points of differing perceptions of reality cause friction in my family?
5) In what ways might I be able to share my feelings of hurt or loneliness with my family without causing a fight or conflict?
6) What, if anything, might I be doing to contribute to family conflict?
7) Are there ways I talk to my family members that prevent better communication?
Chapter Four
Understanding Your Role in the Family
We all grow up playing roles in our families, and more intensely and rigidly so in more troubled families. Family roles and family dynamics are generally unspoken and unconscious, especially in families with a higher degree of conflict. Sometimes these roles can be somewhat healthy and prepare us for a strong, independent adult life. Yet other times they can literally cripple us. Understanding your own historical role or roles in your family offers you the key to make more informed choices about your present life, to modify the way you interact with the world, and ultimately to unfold your life and your future. As the saying goes, "The truth will set you free."
Some family therapists even go so far as to see psychiatric disorders as an expression or a facet of troubled family dynamics. They share the observation that when family dynamics begin to shift for the better-in more loving, respectful, and supportive directions and away from hostility, high emotion, and conflict-the psychiatric disorder of individual family members can become much milder, or even go away entirely. Furthermore, it has been argued by some that it is not even individuals who are "mentally ill," but whole systems-cultures, societies, and, perhaps most potently, families. Sometimes the people who get labeled with a psychiatric disorder are just the token carriers of the larger problem. Everyone else in the system merely expresses the greater problem latently or in more socially acceptable ways.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from A Way Out of Madnessby Daniel Mackler Matthew Morrissey Copyright © 2010 by Editorial matters and Part I, Daniel Mackler and Matthew Morrissey. Excerpted by permission.
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