CHAPTER 1

EXPECT AND RESPECTDIFFERENCES

After a lengthy discussion with Dr. M. ALAM from Dandenong MentalHealth Service, he imparted the above wisdom to me. This phrasemeans quite a great deal when applied to our psychology.

Each one of us has to EXPECT other people to have different beliefs,behaviors, rules, values, standards, morals, and ethics, etc. as we arefortunately not "cloned" copies of each other, we are unique. We willnever find another human being with exactly the same beliefs, etc. Justas well, it would be a bit boring if we were all the same.

Knowing and accepting this fundamental truth, will lead us to thenext truth. We must RESPECT these differences we encounter if wewant peace and harmony in our lives, and our world. We must live bythe rule of "live and let live." We cannot force our beliefs onto anybody,or any race, or, any country.

If this sounds unrealistic to expect and respect each individual'sright to their beliefs, then examine your own beliefs to see whether theyare based on laws of the universe, or just your interpretations of theselaws. Be careful of the meanings we invent for our mind to digest andturn our lives into a tangled web of complicated rules and regulations.Not everyone knows your rules and regulations, besides they are justyour rules, your mode of operating in your world, as you see it.

How much pain and suffering do we create for ourselves when weexpect others to abide by our rules? It would be unreasonable to expecteveryone to conform to your rules, now, wouldn't it?

It is everyone's' right to have differences, whatever they may be.Obviously some will be minor, some major, some tolerable, and someintolerable. We allow ourselves to be "suspect" I believe, when weforce others to accept our differences. That is to say, "this is how it is,no question!"

Grasping the concept of expecting differences, and respectingdifferences for what they are, allows one to find acceptance of each othereasier. Naturally when there are fewer differences, especially majordifferences, then our "matching" up process, that seemingly impossiblequest to find your "soul mate" is simplified.

Having a huge number of "major differences" to contend with,may mean quite a bit of help is needed to unravel the fundamentalcore reason for maintaining these beliefs, which may be based on falseperceptions, and not reality or truth.

RECIPROCAL COMPREHENSION

What a mouthful. I heard this phrase talking with an 85 year olddear family friend. She was explaining some of her observations of herlife to me.

Basically it relates to the ability of people to understand eachother.

When two or more people communicate, what they comprehend isnot based only on the spoken word. Science has shown that non-verbalcommunication is responsible for giving us signals, which we interprettogether with the verbal words spoken.

These non-verbal signals, quite often give each one of us differentmessages to the words being spoken. Have you ever played "Chinesewhispers?" What each person interprets is exactly that, our individualinterpretation. What this "reciprocal comprehension" means is eachperson in a relationship, whether social, business, or intimate, needs toreach this level of mutual understanding. Where every person involvedis able to interpret the true meaning of what is communicated, they areon the same "page", as it were.

How often do we come across instances in our life, where miss-understandingsoccur?

We all react differently to life. Based on the basic four causes (referchapter 2). Add to these, our body language, adding it's' slant to whatis being communicated, is it any wonder the world is being torn apart,not only by broken relationships, but also through communicationbreakdown, and this happens at all levels, including governmental.

Reciprocal comprehension is absolutely mandatory for clear andprecise communication between two or more people. Without it wecreate division, misunderstandings, conflict and pain.

This book, I pray will assist you to understand how this processoccurs. I have the utmost faith that it will benefit you all.

HOW DO WE ACHIEVE ACCEPTANCE?

The principal of acceptance is a fundamental one we need toestablish in our life.

Every human being has their own view of their world, as they knowit. That is the world they have created within their own mind, based ontheir beliefs, values, environment, and the overall cause.

What I mean by "overall cause", is simply this; we are part ofa whole, and as such, have limited capacity to influence the entirecollective. Consider this; our bodies are made up of approximately50 trillion individual cells, how stupid would it be if only one cellcontrolled all the others.

Similarly, as we live on planet Earth, with over 7 billion otherhuman beings and countless billions of other creatures, how can onlyone influence the entire whole?

As everything that exists is energy, and is interacting with energiesthat are entangled in a quantum soup that is universally present, and,this field, as Einstein stated, is all there is, how can one possibly separatethemselves, from this field.

The overall cause is weighted against the individual.... untilcritical mass is reached.

I am sure most of you are aware of this term, and for those that areunfamiliar with it, a short explanation follows.

There comes a point in life, any life, even that of cells, wherechange occurs when sufficient numbers combine to cause a differentoutcome.

This is evident in our own bodies when related to any disease. Itis only when sufficient cells within our bodies combine together andsend the same signals, that we are able to feel pain, or for that matter,pleasure.

Our individual interpretation of the way we look at events will beinfluenced entirely by our unique experiences of life as we sense it sofar.

This is the key to acceptance. We all have individual, unique lives.Each of us has our own "world", so to speak, in which we live. This isthe internal world within each of our individual minds. This is similarto the theory "men are from Mars, women from Venus", only more so,due to the total number of human beings on planet Earth. Knowing thatwe will all view the same thing differently means we have to develop asense of TOLERANCE. Just because someone has a differing belief thatis not in line with yours, doesn't mean you are right, they are wrong.

When you put this right or wrong spanner in the works, youmake life too complicated for all. Simply by allowing your focus tofind some alternative meanings can alter your view of the situation.Using the common "problem solving" technique, where both partiesin disagreement, put forward their suggestions to resolve the matter.Each party then examines all the various solutions, and decides whichones are acceptable to all parties. These then get implemented, andif unsuccessful, the process is repeated, until a win for all has beenreached.

Practice makes perfect, and this is sometimes difficult. However atolerant attitude toward each other, especially with the ones closest toyou, will make for a happier life, not only for you, but also for them.Remember the K I S principle. Keep It Simple.

The more rules we have in our life, the more we are going to get hurtby others. Not everyone we come in contact with will know our rules.Besides these are just your rules. You invented them. You made them amust, or must never. You choose to complicate your life with these rules.Lighten up a little. Allow your life to experience the joy of freedom. Thefewer rules, the fewer stumbling blocks, the smoother the journey.

When you have so many standards / rules, you expose yourself toa multitude of areas where your peace of mind is disturbed. Your innersanctum is where you can be one with the universe, anything that robsyou of this inner peace, robs you of your enjoyment / quality of life.

The mind / body / soul, is a finely tuned mechanism which we haveyet to fathom completely. I believe that the disturbance of our innerpeace, your mental state of tranquility, is a major factor in contributingto symptoms in our body which show up as various forms of aches,pains, ailments, from the common cold, to other "disease" such as bloodpressure, diabetes, obesity, and even cancer, among others.

When you feel upset, disturbed, angry, you are sending negativeemotions through your body. These negative feelings cause you tofeel down for a period of time. Your state of inner balance has beendisturbed, and you need to make adjustments until balance is restored.

This state of disturbance can be avoided by not having so manyrules to live your life by. The more rules, the less likely you are to becontent with your life. If you have a multitude of rules that have to besatisfied before you feel happy, the chances are less likely that you willbe content all the time. Happier are those who have the least amount ofrules possible.

Another point to make with regard to rules is that you must realizethat these rules / standards are yours. Those close to you do notnecessarily share them. If you expect everyone you are close with tohave the same standards / rules, then you are setting yourself up for analmost impossible task. We all have learnt different ways of achievingpleasure in our lives. What makes each of us happy or sad may not beidentical.

We can all have as many rules / standards for our own life as wesee fit. The trick is not to insist on others you are close with to have theexact same rules / standards. Utopia only exists in heaven. We need todevelop a sense of tolerance toward each other. Accept that your rulesare just that, your rules. They may or may not be identical with othersin your life, not even your partner / significant other.

Develop a sense of a free spirit. Allow others this same free spirit.You will be amazed at the resulting effects in all avenues of your life.The trust that develops when you allow the other person to experiencethis freedom will give you a sense of rock solid foundation. Your totalfaith in the person will take away any fear you have of losing them. Andif their spirit moves them out of your life, then this was not your soulmate. Move on freely and enjoy the journey.

There are areas in life you cannot control, Mother Nature, otherpeople, anything that you do not initiate, you have no control over. Theonly thing you have complete control over is what things mean to you.

CHAPTER 2

WHO ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU?WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BEWHEN YOU GROW UP?

I'm sure you have all heard these questions before, and then some. Let'slook at the last question first.

What do you want to be when you grow up? The "WANT TO" partis relatively simple. This includes such things as dreams, goals, aims,aspirations and the like. The "WHEN YOU GROW UP" part is a littlemore complicated. "When" is obviously the time, the "GROW UP"part, refers to not only the physical body in terms of age and musclestrength, but also in terms of maturity of mind and spirit, and strengthof character. It is this area I would ask you to consider the following.

Let us base our discussion by the acceptance of a law of theuniverse:-

CAUSE & EFFECT.

If you doubt this law exists, please refer to Isaac Newton, AlbertEinstein, and another famous person who reportedly stated almost 2000years ago, "AS YOU SOW, SO YOU SHALL REAP". We have manymodern derivatives of this, such as "give and take", "what you put in, you getout", "what goes around, comes around", and in computer terms, "garbagein, garbage out". I am sure you know many more similar phrases.

Understand and accept that WHERE you are at this point in life isa sum total of all the effects that the various cause have had on yourlife. These causes are summarized here simply as THE NATURE, THENUTURING, THE ENVIRONMENT & GOD.

Most of these causes are out of our control, or influence. However,we are in complete control of assigning "MEANINGS" to them. Themeanings or significance, we attach to the various events (spoken wordor action), will determine the thought process we allow ourselves toengage our minds in. If we choose to allow our minds to assign negativemeanings, we tend to have sad and negative emotions. That's ok, solong as you don't allow yourself to go into the "snowball effect", whichhappens when you stack one negative thought on top of another, youknow what I mean.

We can stop this process very quickly. One way is to switch yourattention or focus, onto some other topic or aspect, of even the eventthat is causing this negativity. This can be simply achieved by lookingat the situation with an inquisitive mind rather than a closed one. Askyourself this:—WHAT ELSE COULD THIS MEAN? Try and come upwith more positive thoughts. Examine alternatives that empower you tolook at other scenarios rather than the negative ones you have chosento concentrate your thinking on, which are based on assumptions youhave jumped to. Once you come up with more positive meanings, youautomatically get out of your negative emotions and start to feel betterabout the event.

Know that this is a skill, and like any other, you need to practiceat first and keep practicing all your life. We all need to "just do it" asthey say, because as we do it, we get better at it. We will never attainperfection at doing it, but we will get more confident in doing it, withthe repetition of doing it.

Another important tool is action, or movement. It follows, by the lawof cause and effect, that if we want to alter our emotional state, then wecan do so by altering our movement.

Examine if you will, the posture of a depressed person, as comparedwith a joyful happy person. Notice the differences, the facial expressions,the posture, the mood, I could go on but space prohibits. All you needto apply is some sort of action. As simple as this seems, it is often thesimple things that work best. Just alter your state a little. This can beachieved in numerous ways, I'm sure you can think of many that do notrequire any equipment or great expense.

Going for a walk, calling a friend, listening to music, gardening,reading, exercise, whatever you come up with will do, as long as youget up and just do it, instead of allowing your thoughts to wallow in thequagmire of the state you have buried yourself in.

You see, we put ourselves into these states by assuming meaningsto events that are not based on reality. However, by our thinking, weconvince ourselves that this is reality. This is because our mind cannottell the difference between images we think of, and events that areactually real. And what we are telling ourselves is not necessarily theTRUTH; it is merely our interpretation of it, as related to our particularlife based on our four causes, so far.

We all are in total control, as I have said before, of assigningthe meanings to events, I encourage all of you to try and look forempowering meanings in the causes that influence your lives, and Ichallenge everyone to explore the above passage and if you find it useful,as I have, just do it.

I encourage all of us to GROW into strong mature human beingswho help develop others to do the same along the way.

DON'T BE AN EMOTIONAL TIME BOMB /BE A HUMAN BEING

I would like to explain my philosophy for mental health. In all mydealings with my own trials and tribulations over the course of my lifeso far, I have learnt many things, some are profound and I pray you alsofind the following useful.

This knowledge is a basic truth that I try to live by; at times it isharder than others. All I can say is that nearly all of life's experience isbased on our unique interpretations of the events unfolding along life'spath. The nurturing we receive, the nature we inherit, the environmentin which we live, together with GOD'S overall purpose, are all factorsthat shape us as human beings. Our experiences to date have moldedour beliefs, values, standards, and our code of practice. Each one of uswill interpret things in their own way, based upon these establishedbeliefs etc. The response to the stimuli, which evokes an emotion, willdepend to these beliefs.

All of life's joys and sorrows (feelings/emotions) are brought aboutby our set pattern of thinking with regard to the experiences we havehad. Our brain re-presents the event to us in accord with our establishedpattern of belief (habit). The trick is to understand whether our belief isbased on TRUTH or assumptions we have made. Allow me to explain ...what we interpret is only that ... OUR INTERPRETATION based onour beliefs.

It may not be the truth in reality.

Often we assume the worst out of events or even words spoken. Westack negative meanings to them and end up in a tailspin, assumingthe person or event has meant it the way we have interpreted it, usuallywithout actually clarifying with the person involved, or analyzing theevent, to discover EXACTLY what was meant.