CHAPTER 1
Journey to Authenticity
In the breakdown moment, the very thing you have feared, resisted, deniedwill stand before you shaking its finger in your face and sticking its tongueout at you. It will show you things about yourself that you refused to see oracknowledge. It will tease you, taunt you, push you, pull you to the verge ofbreaking down. In fact, that is its purpose. In the breakdown moment yourdefences breakdown, your fantasies shatter, your excuses fail, your resistanceerodes. In t-hat moment when there is nothing standing between you and thething you fear most, you will be forced to step into your greatness becausethat is what life is demanding of you (Until Today, Iyanla Vanzant)
UGANDA
Show up as yourself—all the time! In Uganda, I was absolutely luckyand privileged to work for one of the brightest women entrepreneurs on theContinent in her Agriculture Seed and Production Company. One of thewomen there asked me, "Why do you play small?"
My first reaction was that she was talking about my weight as theconversation was previously on the different types of African food that Iwas sampling.
I responded "I play small because I work out" and I chuckled!
She hit me with a blank stare!! "Do you know that you have a responsibilityto yourself, to your ancestors, to your spirit?" Ok now it was getting serious,now it was time for me to pay attention. "What do you mean?"She said "It is your responsibility to excel, to glow, to do what you know youcan do. It makes no sense holding it all back! What are you saving it for?
Why do you give one single thought to what other people think? Those whoare for you and what you stand for will remain, the rest are passing throughon your journey, leave them, and continue along your path! Please, honouryour responsibilities, your purpose and your ancestors. There is no way thatyou will go off course, off target without getting back on track. You said tome that all things are lessons didn't you? Well there it is! It is time!"That conversation arrived and basically cemented my decision to be myselfand stop the feeling that I needed to be perfect and to prove that I wasworthy, that I "made it". In that moment I knew that to be just be me isand will always be the best decision that I could ever make in any andevery situation.
HOME
Somehow there was always something happening around my life thathad to be sanitised. Ever since I've known myself, I believed that I mustonly show my good side to "outsiders" as I would be considered lessthan worthy and I in return that is what I demanded of the "outsiders".I would hear the adults at the house on the Terrace where I grew uptalking and the conversation seemed most of the time to be about whowas making mistakes and being foolish, who was not being a goodmother and wife. That shaped my view on what it meant to be excellentand suitable.
I made up my mind. I would be perfect. That meant doing well inschool, speaking well, behaving like a proper lady in public. This wenton to me making up my mind to get married, have a good marriage,get a good job and do everything well. There would not be a familyconference on me for sure!
Self imposed perfection, can be demanding especially when it's untrue!I found myself working harder to keep up an image rather than workinghard on what really mattered like being true, honest and saying how Ireally felt. I did not let people know where I was or how I felt! If anyoneasks, how are you? I'm fine! I wasn't fine! But I programmed myself tosay and act "fine"
I was the poster child for having it all together, for being "fine". I didwell at school, boys were not even on my radar, I didn't go to parties. Iwas content to be at home reading or watching football. When I askedto go out, it was rare and if I was told no I would be upset for days andwalk around the house in a funk, talking to no one even when spokento. It drove my folks crazy.
Getting married at a very young age and being the first one in thefamily for a long time, I strongly believed that there was an expectation,a precedent set. And where did I get that from? I made it up! We makeup stories to facilitate our position. Many times the stories are not onlyuntrue, they are negative! Lesson learnt was if you are making up storiesmake them positive and affirming!
From my family's perspective, I was lucky. I found someone whowas young, ambitious and good looking. Girlfriend had hit jackpotaccording to all and sundry, don't mess it up ok Yaki?
Mess it up? No chance of that and the image of all is well. My entiremission was to keep up the perfect scenario. No matter what happens,everything is fine, and everything will be fine! I will make it so!
I met Jay while we were both at school. The first time I saw him I thoughthe was scorching hot! Tall and slim with a certain quiet presence. Whenwe started talking, the guy was smart as well. Jackpot!!
We were introduced by one of my neighbours; they were both in thesame class at school. It didn't take long for us to become inseparable!Secretly I couldn't believe that someone that scorching liked me, Ithought it impossible since in my mind I was still the fat girl from theneighbourhood, but this guy seemed genuinely interested. School wasa distraction. We couldn't wait to be independent, then we could dowhatever we liked! In the meantime, the plan was to spend every freemoment together and anyone who had a problem with that well justtoo bad!
For my folks they knew something had changed particularly because Iusually was not interested in going out or in boys, now I am asking togo out and also inviting a boy to the house.
We talked about it, the plan was to move as far away as possible whichwould allow for total independence. We just knew we would make it,no matter what! We talked about moving abroad as soon as school wasdone.
Jay did the groundwork and found a way to move abroad as soon ashe was finished with school. There was a programme in the UnitedKingdom called the working holiday visa that allowed young peopleto work while having an extended holiday over a two year period.
We both applied for and got it. The plan was for Jay to move to theUK first and as soon as he found a place to live and a job then I wouldfollow. Everything was working swimmingly; I was receiving regularupdates from him about what was happening in London. Preparationswere going well! His letters and phone calls were always a highlight, heseemed excited to be there, he seemed even more excited that I wouldbe joining him soon.
He would get a job, it didn't matter what type of job it was, just to allowfor saving and getting money as quickly as possible. When he saved upa certain amount some would be used to contribute to my ticket for meto join him, the rest would be for us to find a place and live until weboth settled down and both had jobs.
On one of the weekly updates, he told me that he found a job at arestaurant which allowed him to save cash on food. The restaurant wasclose enough to the flat so the transportation costs were minimal. Thepay was also good and with tips it allowed him to save enough for aplace to live and to travel.
This plan wasn't the most popular one in my house, it did cause quitea bit of tension. The feeling was that I was making a rash decision tofly to another country to live with someone without any guaranteethat it would work out and on top of that we were not married. Myparents were not in total support of it and I vowed to find a way to getto London on my own. That didn't bother me, I was determined tosave all the cash that I could and make it! I finally got the call to makemy way to London.
I arrived on a cold Sunday morning. This was my first time to the UK.The airport was huge, busy and crowded. As soon as I stepped off theplane, the chill greeted me. I was shivering and my toes stayed on theplane as I couldn't feel them. I thought I hope Jay brought me a jacket.At this rate I will freeze to death! I was really happy to be making a newlife away where I would be free and independent. The weather reallydidn't matter on that day; all that mattered was that we were togetherfar away from everything and going to build a life together.
He found a place close to central London. It was also close to the trainstation, and a supermarket, it was also close to the buses and we had alovely roommate Sam. Sam was a white African guy with long hair, helooked like a surfer. He was kind and thoughtful, never liked to showermuch and drank a whole lot but hey, he had a great heart! He greetedme very warmly and made me feel welcome right from the start.
My one and only task was to find a job as quickly as possible! I was arecent graduate with accounting qualifications and there were so manyjobs being advertised that neither of us were worried.
We settled into a routine. Jay worked at the restaurant, he had shifts hewas off some days of the week. Sometimes we would go to museums,art galleries, restaurants and sampled food that we never heard of backin Trinidad. I was in heaven! What a wonderful guy! So romantic andattentive and supportive. We never made money an issue but we livedbetter than we ever thought was possible.
Jay came home one day after work bouncing off the walls withexcitement! As soon as he sat down he said. "Kous pack your bags weare going on our first trip this weekend!"
"For real?"
"Yup!"
"Can we afford it?"
"Why are you worried about that? There are economical ways we canmake this trip I planned it well"
"Ok"
"Where are we going?"
"We are going to Paris, Brussels, Brugge and Amsterdam"
"For real"
"Yes for real"
"Are you sure we can afford this?"
"Girl, we are taking a Eurobus for one thing and we will sort outaccommodation as and when we get there. Get ready for ten days oftouring Europe!"
He was so excited, I was too but so focused on money and if we couldafford it knowing that I wasn't at the time bringing in any cash! Ieventually said let me not spoil the party vibe.
We made the mini European tour on our limited budget. It wasa lovely time, seeing the Eiffel Tower, the canals in Holland andof course the infamous Red Light District in Amsterdam, eatingchocolates in Belgium and the wealth of Luxembourg. I was nowtotally convinced that we made the right decision to move away andbuild a life together, I also thought that we became much closer afterthe trip.
Sam would accompany us sometimes on our adventures. He had petnames for both of us, mine was KousKous and Jay was called studmuffin. I heard stud and I asked him "why does Sam call you studmuffin?" His response was "why does he call you KousKous?"
"I don't know?"
"Exactly! I have no idea!"
"Ok then!"
But it bothered me, I mean why would you call someone a stud withoutmerit. They spent a lot of time going out together on boys nights out.The pet name raised many questions which I asked Jay. He just keptsaying to me why would you ever take Sam seriously? It's really not abig deal.
One night I was at the house waiting for Jay to return from work, wewere going to watch a football game, it was backside cold, so cold thatI was in the house with gloves and scarves on! The phone rang, and ourroommate shouted out for Jay, I said he wasn't at home. Then he saysthey have asked to speak to you!
Who would be calling and ask for Jay and then ask for me? It must behis family, his mum and sister, how nice of his mother or father to callto check up on him. I was feeling happy to talk to someone from home.I got on the phone very happy.
"Hello", it sounded like someone was crying on the phone,
"Hello"
"Hello, yes this is Candy, I just wanted to let you know that I amcarrying Jay's baby".
Candy was a friend of Jay's from school. He introduced me to her andthe three of us hung out a few times. He told me that she was really agood friend to him and he knew her entire family he became close tothem just before he left to come to the UK. I really thought nothingof it, I mean, men do not only have male friends do they? He wouldhang out with her and her family often I did not even give it a secondthought! I admit that I was not paying attention. I was certain that Jaywas committed to me and our relationship, what I envisioned in mymind was that men who run around treat their women badly. He treatedme really well. Men who run around were emotionally unavailable, Jaywas the most loving man I met in my short life thus far, always cuddling,expressing his feelings. I just had this picture of how a man who ranaround would be and look, he just didn't fit my view.
"Excuse me?"
"Didn't he tell you? I am having his baby and he told me that you justwon't go away so I thought I would tell you so that you can leave him.What are you doing in London? We have been together for monthsnow"
I'm really not sure what happened next, all I remember is that I wantedto throw up, I felt physically ill! I went outside in the minus temperatureand walked to the train station which may have been about five or tenminutes away, I wanted to meet him as soon as he stepped out of thetrain, I wanted answers, I was feeling like a complete fool, played! Studmuffin eh! Ok! I must have stood there for about fifteen minutes inthe cold.
I finally saw him coming out the train eating fried chicken wingsand steam coming out his mouth looking happy and content. He sawme there standing outside of the train station, his expression changedimmediately and he started running towards me.
"Kous what's wrong, you're out here it's like minus one degree and youhave no coat on, have you gone mad?"
"Is Candy having a baby for you?" I said it as calmly as ever but I was soscared inside, I was thinking about what my family would say, thinkingthat I came all the way out here and it's all going to blow up in my face,I could not, in fact I would not let it happen!
"What?"
"I said is Candy having a baby for you?"
"Kous what are you talking about, Candy? No!"
"Candy just called and told me that she is, how did she get your phonenumber?"
"I don't know, she's a mad woman. Do you believe her? I am telling youright now that she's talking shit. Let's go home I am going to call hernow and sort this out. Come out of the cold you will get sick"
Up to that moment, I didn't shout, get mad, curse, nothing. I amthinking to myself how do I fix this? How do I make this work? Letme just hear what she says when he calls her and then I will make adecision.
We get home; he gets on the phone right away. I'm standing therewaiting to hear how the conversation would play off.
"Why did you call here? Don't ever call here ever again" and he hungup! That was it.
He said to me "it's taken care of. Let's just forget about it ok Kous, you'rehere with me now"
I said "ok"
He said "let's focus on us"
I never ever brought it up again in the time that we were in London;I never even told anyone what happened. I just focused on getting ajob, finding a place for us to live and settling down to life in London.The following month we went out for dinner at one of our favouriteplaces in Covent Garden and Jay proposed and said to me whatever andwherever you want to get married that's what we will do!
I was half expecting a marriage proposal I just wasn't sure when it wouldhappen! He seemed so into the whole arrangement of living together,there was help with all the chores, there was attentiveness and time setaside for us to talk, there was just everything that I never had, neverseen, always read about. We also had a recent conversation on "ourfuture plans" I told him that I couldn't see myself living out here longterm without being married and wanted to know what was in his mindon how we would move forward. He listened and didn't say much. IWhat Did I Learn Today? Lessons on The Journey to Unconditional Self-Loveguess his actions did all the talking. In the small and intimate Calabashrestaurant in London, over a meal of pounded yam and egusi, he askedme to marry him since I was and will always be the best thing that everhappened to him!
Plan A well in effect, thank you Jesus!
I wanted a small wedding with very little fuss, part of that was myobsession with saving money, knowing that we were paying the mostof the bill. My family was happy to hear that there was going to be awedding. I just wanted to get over with it soon and start living. Beingfar away and planning it also helped, I could say no easily to the requestscoming from all sides.
Two months later, we flew back home to Trinidad to get married. Goingback home the first time since leaving was going to be interesting. Whatwould be our parent's reaction, what would be our reaction?
Our family members who came from abroad helped to deflect theattention from us. Sam, our first flatmate also came to Trinidad withus for the occasion. We were going to spend two weeks having fun inthe sun, the wedding was just an icing on the cake.
