When reality hits is a self-strengthening and relationship guide for women who are just too in love to see past love and just need that push towards reality. I can't express enough how we women can become our own enemy in how we are being treated in relationships...Where are we going wrong?
I am sharing stories of how I have been caught up in relationships that gotten me nowhere and just felt the need to express my struggles, advise and how it allowed me to become stronger. I do not call myself a relationship specialist. However, I am a woman that has been hurt, used and abused by men. By the grace of God, I have learned a lot along the way, which have shaped my woman hood into the woman I am today. I am not expressing my experiences to you all for anyone to judge me, but more so to learn from my mistakes.
I decided to name this book "When, reality hits, because I have made the mistake of loving the wrong men. I have allowed myself to become too vulnerable, I put up with men bullshit out of loneness and gave too much of myself, when most did not even deserve what I had to offer. At one point, I started to notice I just could not become the women I needed to be, because I was too focus on becoming the woman they needed me to be. However, when reality had finally hit that's when I became stronger, I have written this book, not to beat men down or have us women to power trip. However, to empower you all to start utilizing and committing to the strength God instilled in us and stop looking for love to be our every purpose...love can see you through, but strength will get you through.
When reality hits
Then the strength comesBy Teresa A. AllenAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2011 Teresa A. Allen
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4520-9263-8Contents
Acknowledgments................................................................viiIntroduction...................................................................ixPart 1 Be strong enough to study him before loving him........................1Part 2 The feeling of Trust and Honesty, before monogamy......................23Part 3 Married couples and infidelity.........................................45Part 4 Lost of oneself by love and trying to make it work.....................59Part 5 Do not be afraid to be Ms. Independent.................................69Part 6 Jail mates and the chances we take.....................................79Part 7 Realizing it's fear we need to overcome................................97
Chapter One
This chapter explains the way a man can falsely allow him self to become the man of whom you have been looking for, until he get your emotions right where he needs them, which is in love and not being able to emotionally move on when the time is needed. Now I know that was some what of a messed up thing to say. But it's the truth and us woman suffer from being emotionally dragged and mentally abused with mind games almost every time we start talking to someone new or just use to being with that person that we been with for years. Us women fall for their deceit so easily, only because we tend to keep it too truthful and open with that person, hoping that we will get the same treatment back in return once that person see how sincere we are being. So that is why I say pay close attention to what your intuition are telling you about that new person you are seeing. Fill him out first and remember that you cannot be too open and sincere with what you allowing him to know about you emotionally and mentally ... he is liable to take it for granted. Some men that play on women tend to play on everything that you may choose to tell him about yourself, like how you think and emotionally work. Ladies see how that man is allowing you to know how he may think and emotionally work before giving up so much of yourself verbally. Men pay close attention to us as we talk to see how interesting and intelligent we may be and to see if we are able to play men as well as they can play us, but he will test how far he can go with you. Men know just how to distract us as well as us women know how to distract men. They will say things that will allow us to feel so good and so comfortable with being around them, to the point that we are now feeling so unable to be one minute without them. A lot of us women tend to allow ourselves to get distracted when we meet a person. We end up paying more attention to how his looks are and all the compliments he is giving us instead of what we really need to be paying close attention to ... not good!!
"Use your Intuition"
An intuition is part of our natural gut instants and can tell you a lot about the guy you are sitting there talking too. If we just allow ourselves to not pay so much attention to our emotions and curiosity of wanting to know him sexually, then we can pay more attention to what our intuitions are really trying to tell us. When that guy walks up to you, start trying to use your intuition and look him in the face then be con dent While you two are conversing, then stay that way (real men like a woman that knows her strength). That shows strength as a woman, which also shows that you are paying close attention to his every word and that you do not play games. Listening to his approach and conversation will allow you to know his conversational skills and main interest in you. But also look at what type of conversation he's having with you and what type of jokes he are trying to make you laugh with. Remember a conversation or joke that is constantly sexual, most likely nine out of ten will only lead to the bedroom and not the type of relationship that you are truly looking for as a decent female. We also have to pay attention to how he is in public by him self, with family and friends. The least little thing can alert you of how he can be with you. Now sexual talk only proves that he may just be about sex or seeing if you are. I feel as though asking the number of partners may be a helpful question, because it allows you to somewhat know how comfortable and loose he was or can be with his sexuality. I feel as though, if he done had more partners pass his own age and he is not that old, then that may not be a good sign, so play it safe emotionally and physically ... do not be surprise if he has a kid somewhere and ladies, stay using a condom.
Men are not stupid and they do have a good sense of what our needs are. Because if they didn't, then they wouldn't be able to pretend to be that man that we are looking for at first then switch up to a man that he is really known to be and that we really don't need in our lives. Men try so hard to get what they want from us that if we just pay close attention, then we can pin point every part of their motive. However, it's through listening to your intuition; asking questions and not moving so fast, which of course they will only tell us what we want to hear. Nevertheless, women if you heard one line then you heard them all, so you be that strong-minded woman and get to the point of those personal questions. Like do you have a girlfriend or wife? In addition, always add wife because even though he told you that he does not have a girlfriend, does not mean he is not possibly married. Sometimes they do not consider them selves married or with someone because they may not be on good terms or just not in love with their wife or girl the way they use too be, so watch out for those types. How can you tell rather or not he may or may not have a girlfriend or wife? You cannot until later on in the relationship or getting to know him personally. I say, just see how his reaction to a pop up visit to his job or home, while surprising him with lunch or dinner, but don't be too obvious though and see if he's secretive ... being too secretive may mean something negative.
"Stead- strong approach, not the interrogating approach"
When you are talking to him and asking these personal questions, also be stead-strong in your approach. Let him know what you are looking for in a man and that you are serious with sticking to those requirements. Don't make it seem too much like an interview, because that can be a real turn off. However, have a little conversation on one topic, relax then go to the next topic and do not forget to save some of those personal questions for phone conversation or the second date plus other dates. He will only play the victim role on the first date, with questions like, so why did you and your last girlfriend break up? Remembering the answers to those personal questions can be a big help to see if he lies a lot. If he done lied to you and you just met him then he may impulsively lie to you later on in the relationship, but don't hesitate with getting a little personal with your approach (the sooner the better) just to see if this is someone you may or may not want to get involved with. Those vibes you get from talking to that person are very important. Because as you asking those personal questions and as he is answering them, you will automatically get sensations of deceit owing from your gut or a sign of trustfulness. Now I'm not saying when you get the deciet feeling then slap the hell out of him and call him a liar. But what I'm trying to say is to be aware of him lying to you about anything else and don't get all caught up in the sweet talk ... stay focused to what's more important.
If this person is not giving you a chance to say anything and he is not listening to you, then this can mean that he is very big on him self or just rude. A real gentleman knows when he's being rude and will apologize for it. If he's not really proclaiming his self to be interested in getting to know you, That may be a sign of him just wanting sex or don't care much about how he's able to make you feel while conversing and dealing with you ... so pay attention to those negative actions.
"Friends then see if he worth being your man"
Far as wanting to make anything official, I know you women want the girlfriend title, but you also want to know whom in God's name you are being a girlfriend too ... I would hope. So do not rush that too soon. The reasons why I say give it some time as a friendship/dating first, Because being friends or dating first brings you close enough to see just enough of him on the inside to show you if you are capable of dealing with him if you and that person became official. Little by little, you will see the other side of him and that might just alert you that this guy is not the one for you. Nevertheless, do not be in denial of any negativity you may see or hear while being friends or dating him. Because that may be your sign of not wanting anything to do with him pass friendship levels. Passing by negativity can lead us in denial of who this person really are and that type of fake reality can have our tails in a crazy relationship, which at that point we can't blame no one but ourselves.
"Don't think with emotion, but think with sense"
If you want to date women then date, but all I am trying to say is keep the string attachments to a minimum until you know this man on the inside and enough to know he is not going to control you or take you for granted in any type of way. Some of us say ... well if I know he is like that then I am leaving. However, let us be for real; once we fall in love or sometimes even start caring for a person, it's hard for us to pull away. As for the even more emotional woman, you have to stay even more on your toes and know exactly what your emotions are up too with any man. Our emotions can have us women thinking ahead of ourselves. Like when we meet a guy we are interested in and before we know it we thinking about our wedding and maybe even kids with this man. So women keep your thinking process far away from your emotions when trying to get know that guy you want ... think if it is right first then feel if it is right.
Our emotions answer to the least little good treatment these men give us in such little time and guess what women, men know that. That is why I said give it at least 3 to 6 months to even a yr if need be, but it varies to how he is treating you after the third month and how his true personality really is. But try to do a good amount of months just to see if that good treatment he's giving you will start to lack and when it does, ladies pay close attention; because that's the real him coming out. It's some what hard for a man to keep a flow of treating a lady right when it's not natural and at times they get unaware of the real them slipping ... so ladies be aware when that man is unaware.
"A trick or two so he won't easily play you"
Now the real playa playaz knows how to keep a cool attitude at all times and that 3 to 6 month rule of let us just date will not mean nothing to him. They will go with any flow that you are going with and it will be somewhat hard to tell rather that his actions are sincere or not. So just, play a little hard to get and even try a few unnoticeable tricks just to see if he will talk to someone while he is talking to you then that will be one area of knowing rather or not he is not good for you.
One trick is to try to get his computer screen name without making it too noticeable then a couple of weeks later use a different screen name of your own but don't use your personal one. Then play like a girl that is trying to get to know him on the Internet ... this was how I caught one of my ex boyfriends in action lol.
Once you get the information you need, then if you need more, tell a close friend to call him up pretending to be that girl he met on the Internet. However, that was just a example. Once you have found out your trick have seriously worked, then you should know what you have to do from there either be extra aware or leave him. Men that are male dogs will hate for you to do this, because they know that they are doing you dirty and scared that you may find out. These days us women have to try to take every decent measure we can, so we won't allow ourselves to get hurt over an over again. You think about it, many times it be our fault that we are hurt at the end. We women give too many chances is only allowing your man to hurt you again. Those chances you are giving him are only showing him that you are going to give him another chance and that you care too much about him to just let him go like that.
He will definitely use every chance you give him until you are fed up and that can take years. Even when you grow up with a person, do not ever think because you and him grew up together that your might end up with him ... not true.
"He may or may not change"
People change as they get older and men tend to have no clue what type of female they want to comment too until they done had their chance to either test the waters or get older and 21yrs old is just the beginning of their maturity. Some men will not even fully mature until their late twenties or early thirties, which is sad but very much true, However, in a way it is understandable when you read up on it. Men that is in their thirties and still don't have their life right, let's just say their mothers and God will handle those men. It'll be too much for us to deal with and it will only change who we really are because of the frustrations and issues they place upon us. Nevertheless, if some of you women prefer to handle an irresponsible and immature man then do your thing and don't say I didn't tell you so.
Why place your self in that situation though? Yes, you may feel he's worth it because he might change later. Ladies, if he cannot respect your feelings enough to stop what he is doing wrong, knowing that it is only adding pressure to the relationship AND YOU then it might just take leaving him to show him that you are serious. If that doesn't work then you got a long ride ahead of you if you continue to go back to him. Because a man is not going to change until HE'S READY and he just might not change. Always remember the love for that man is not worth more then the love and happiness you need for yourself. Once we get use to that man that we been dealing with and grown to know so well and accepting him for the dog he really are, we start to settle for less. We tend to put ourselves in their comfort zones instead of making sure we have built a comfort zone of our own and seeing if that man will have enough respect and love to adapt to our comfort zone as well. We carry on and on with these men accepting men negative ways towards us, until we end up emotionally stuck and constantly hurt ... nobody's fault but ours.
Now that's good if he's a good man, but ladies we end up stuck with fucked up men. How do we end up in this situation in the first place? It's not our complete fault AT FIRST because the guy pretends to be a good man when he's not, but the rest is on us and I'm sorry to say that but it is. Some of us women can get so emotionally vulnerable after getting out of another crazy relationship or dealing with a death and even just feeling lonely. We do not give ourselves a chance to be able to be by ourselves and regain or just build that mental and emotional strength we need to notice that we are in a sick relationship. We have to be able to notice these things are very important, so we can have enough strength to do something about it to get out of these emotionally abusive relationships.
We see the negativity in some men we are dealing with, but we tend to let the bullshit pass us by because of us being scared of being alone or the penis is just too good to let go. However, what do we really want and what would be the best for us a good penis or a good relationship? If we want both then we have to be smarter about our decision making on whom we chose to deal with. Men do not want to build with a woman they can walk over and just like us real women; we do not want a man that we can also walk over. Therefore, you being his rug he steps on are not a future to a real man but it is fun to the playaz. A man's family knows a lot about that guy you scoping out, so if you end up meeting the mother or even a close cousin and they say something crazy about him or that he's a hoe then don't over look it. Most of the time the family is telling the truth, but the guy is putting on so much of a good front that it's going to be hard to believe them. However, keep it mentally stored because what ever they told you about him will soon become known.
"A story of mine"
I had start dealing with this guy some time ago, when I was 19. We worked at the same facility. He seem so nice and everything I was looking for in a man, but as we was dealing with each other I started to notice he had a drinking issue that may seem to get out of control. I liked him so much that I let it pass and Ladies do you know why I had did that. Because I let my emotions for this guy think for me. I had just got out of another relationship and was trying to get over it. Which that is another way a female can end up with another messed up man, by acting too fast and not being observing enough of the next man walking into your life. However, by the time he showed his true self he had already had my heart. He had cousins that tried to warn me about him and even his mother, but my mistake was believing him more then his family. As months went by then situations got worse, by that time we was living together because his cousins put him out and he so called was about to move to NY but I didn't want him too. He stole my heart, I was seriously in love with him, but he also stole from my home. We argued like crazy and he constantly kept getting locked up. Nevertheless, I stuck by him to prove I truly loved him and that he meant everything to me. I had thought that maybe he would see the amount of unconditional love I had for him and see how willing I was to stick by him that maybe that would change him. There was too many issues standing in the way along with him doing what he wanted to do and not what was best for his self or us. My love and blessings goes out to him always and I hope that one day he gets strong enough to be able to have a good life for him self.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from When reality hitsby Teresa A. Allen Copyright © 2011 by Teresa A. Allen. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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