CHAPTER 1

Shamar:Entitled to Victory

"I am the master of my fate:I am the captain of my soul."

~Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Like you, Shamar was the master of his fate. On a Friday night,Shamar Tyquan Robinson chose death over his miserable life. Heenvisioned the words "freedom" over the doorway as he headedfor the threshold to exit his life of turmoil. So why was it such ashock to his mother, Evangelist Sharon Robinson, when she wascalled to the hospital at 2:17 A.M.? Shamar's stomach was beingpumped as doctors worked feverishly to save the life he did notwant. He overdosed on the drugs Kiki gave him to escape thespirit of depression that had consumed him.

Shamar was a sixteen year old boy, who grew up in a verysmall town. Everybody who lived there knew everything abouteverybody. It was amazing that Shamar had survived therethat long. The son of a hard working man who drank a lot anda mother who was too busy to notice his problems in school,Shamar found himself considering the worst decision ever.

Most people called him "Sham" when he was growing up.And the name stuck. He was the cutest little boy with caramelskin, hazel eyes and curly hair. He grew to stand five feet andeleven inches tall, but back then he was the shortest thing aroundjust like his momma. Sham was her little prince. Every eveninghis mother sat by his bedside and recited prayers with him. Hewould wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroomand see the light on in kitchen where his mother was reading theBible. His mother, Evangelist Robinson, was the most loved ladyin the church. She was so dedicated to the ministry and so full ofGodly power.

Sham remembered when his parents went to all the churchservices together. Everybody was so happy back then. That waswhen his parents smiled at each other. That was when they heldhands after church service and walked to the car together as ahappy couple. He never would have imagined that joy changinginto something else.

When Sham was in elementary school, teachers noticed hehad difficulty reading. At first, his parents went to every meetingat school. They took him to all types of doctors to try and figureout what was going on, but nothing seemed to provide a clearanswer. After a while, it seemed like his parents gave up on him.Sham soon started feeling like he was dumb. He compared himselfto the other kids in his class and felt he would never be able toread like them. Other boys laughed because he stuttered whenhe tried to pronounce words in reading passages. Although Shamfinally reached the eleventh grade, he still struggled academically.he continued to be placed in remedial reading classes and refusedto read aloud for any of his teachers. Sham didn't tell most peoplehow much he hated school. He bottled up his frustration andkept to himself.

Sham was in middle school when a tragic accident occurred,involving one of his family members. He was in his seventhgrade year and his father fell from a crane at work. Sham's fathersurvived the injury, but his left leg was crushed and ligamentswere torn. After months of rehabilitation and lots of medicalbills, Sham's family started having financial problems. Mr. DavidRobinson, Father of the Year, wasn't the same anymore. Mr.Robinson's employer placed him at a desk job and Sham's fatherhated every minute of it. Soon, his dad behaved as if he wasdepressed. He started making excuses for not attending churchservice. Sham's dad seemed sad or angry most of the time. Hestarted spending less time with Sham, his only child, the son heclaimed he always wanted god to give him.

Mr. Robinson started to drink to escape his misery whileSham's mother started praying for their family night and day. Shewent to church every time the doors were open. At first, Shamthought that it was a bad phase for his family and it would endsoon. He thought it would get better after some time, but actuallythings got worse over the years. By the end of middle school,Sham started realizing his family wasn't happy anymore. Moreimportantly, he felt miserable too. Sham hated school. He hatedgoing home after school and he started hating himself. He wouldconstantly think, "My life is horrible."

With mediocre grades, Sham had finally made it to highschool and hoped he could graduate, get a job and move awayfrom the small town he lived in. He was sick of seeing his fatherdrunk on the sofa and tired of his mother dragging him to churchthree days per week. All she did was praise god and pray, pray andpraise god. It was as if she was not a real person. Sham wonderedwhere all those prayers were going over the years because theysure hadn't cured his daddy of alcoholism or depression. And allthat church stuff definitely did not help his family find happinessagain. Sometimes he wondered why his parents didn't get adivorce like everybody else's mother and father. At least then,maybe he could have some change in venue from week to week.

Sham was not the best student at Evington high School;he never got disciplinary referrals or an extremely high numberof unsatisfactory grades because he always did just enough toget by. On the first day of school at Evington, he saw a skinnymodelesque girl who dropped her books in the hallway in front ofhim. He crouched down to help her pick up the books when shesmiled at him and said, "Hi, my name is Kisha King. My friendscall me Kiki." It was evident that she was mesmerized by his hazeleyes and dazzled by his overall handsome appearance and goodmanners. He replied, "Hey, I'm Sham." From that point on theywere inseparable.

Kiki and Sham started eating lunch together at school. After acouple of weeks of hanging out, they started a phone ministry ofsorts. Basically, they would talk on the phone with each other forhours. One would say "Hang up." The other would reply, "Youhang up first." Then they laughed and followed that pattern backand forth until somebody fell asleep and started snoring on thephone. Sometimes the cell phone battery died and ended theircall. They were like best friends who could talk forever withoutinterruption.

Sham couldn't tell anybody else about the anger he felt. But,he believed he could trust Kiki, especially since she had some ofher own secret hurts. They were like each other's hero. And theyboth needed someone to rescue them.

Kiki definitely needed a hero with the lifestyle she had tocontend with every day. She had issues with her identity. Hermother had told her that several different men could be herfather, but was not certain of all their names or where they lived.Kiki never met any of the men. She was somewhat used to beingwithout a parental figure at home. Most of the time she went backand forth between her house and her grandmother's home becauseher mother would be out so late at night.

Sham believed that Kiki's mom never forgot the tricks ofher trade. He said it was probably the only way she knew howto make money. Sham said Kiki's mom might have earned a fewextra dollars for her purse, but she was emotionally bankrupt.

Kiki's mom had been gorgeous as a teenager. She had menswooning over her and she took advantage of it. Well, at leastshe thought it was to her advantage. Eventually, she becamevery promiscuous. What started out as a little kissing and a littletouching, led to sexual escapades throughout high school. Kiki'smom had started sleeping around. She had intercourse with guyafter guy. At first she loved the attention those young men gaveher. She believed they loved her back, but finally realized theywere just enjoying her body. Soon, the inevitable happened.She got pregnant and ended up having Kiki when she was onlyeighteen years old. She swore she would never let another mantake advantage of her after that.

Unfortunately, Kiki's mom broke the one promise she madeto herself. Whenever, she felt lonely some "Joe Schmo" would endup spending the night with her. When he had a nice place, shewould move in with him until he started treating her really bad.Then she would pack up Kiki and their things and move backin with a family member. She lived with relatives until she couldget on her feet again. Like a military brat, Kiki had lived in abouttwenty different homes by the time she started high school. But,Kiki wasn't a product of parents in the military who were shiftedfrom place to place. She was just the child of a woman who didn'tknow how to escape her pitiful search for love and validation.

By the time Kiki got to high school, money was so hard tocome by that her mom started using her body to get attention.She became the midnight hit at the local strip club. Yes, in thatsmall town, everybody knew her mother's reputation. Kikistruggled to identify herself outside of her mother's image andhad a hard time recognizing that she was more than a stripper'sdaughter.

Kiki showed Sham the many scars she had as a result ofcutting herself. She used cutting to mask the pain of not knowingwho she was or why her mother did not seem to love her. Kikitold him that her grandmother was her only saving grace. At leastsome weekends she was able to go there and chill. When at hergrandmother's house, she had time to get her head on straighteven though she thought it was the most boring place ever.

When Kiki wasn't with her grandmother, she often smokedmarijuana to settle down or took a few pills to get herself backon track. She said the drugs kept her mind from constantlyracing. Sham knew Kiki's habits were bad. He knew the miseryshe felt, but he didn't think he could offer her anything better. Inhis opinion, his life was in shambles too. His belief in church hadcrumbled because of all the so-called power his mother possessedthat brought no good changes to their family. Sham held on tosome of the values he learned in church though. He had learnednot to be judgmental of others, so he took Kiki's stories in stride,never thinking less of her because of her problems. Instead, heand Kiki served as counselors for one another.

Everybody said that Sham and Kiki were sooooo cute together.Kids joked, saying, "Y'all should get married." The whole townhad them pegged as the best couple ever and they believed it.There wasn't room for anything or anybody else and nobodyknew them like they knew each other. They were like soul mates.Because they were so close, Kiki could tell something was wrongwhen she looked at Sham's face on Friday.

Sham seemed agitated all day long. During the school day,he hardly spoke at all. Kiki thought it might be a good idea forhim to get out. So, she asked him to go to a party. A college kidnamed Nico was having a party that night. Nico always hadthe best parties in town and Kiki didn't expect that one to beany different. Sham shrugged his shoulders and reluctantlyresponded, "I guess so." That night they met around 8 o'clock atSham's house.

When Kiki got close to the front porch, Sham came outand slammed the door. She had to walk very fast to keep upwith him as he huffed down the road. She asked, "Baby, what'swrong? What happened?" Yet, Sham refused to speak. His angerhad consumed him. He was an emotional time bomb waiting toexplode.

On the way to the party, they stopped at Mickey D's. Fromthe menu, Kiki ordered the #2 with super sized fries, and a largecappuccino with extra whip cream and an apple pie, but Shamdidn't eat. Once they left the restaurant, Sham said he didn't feellike going to the party. He told Kiki he just wanted to sit at thepark.

They walked down the road to Evington's town park and saton the swings for hours. Sham still remained eerily silent. Finally,Kiki said, "Hey, come with me, I want to show you something."They started walking to the highest point at the park which wason a big hill. A very large oak tree was located there and the twoof them sat under the oak. From that viewpoint almost all thehouses in the town of Evington could be seen. That's when Kikidecided to share her feel-good pills with Sham.

She apprehensively said, "Sham, I don't know what's wrong,but you're not acting like yourself. I know you don't want to talkbecause you are mad right now. That usually means you are sohurtin' so bad that you don't know what to do." She continued,"Baby, I don't want you to feel discouraged. Try taking oneor two of these little yellow pills. I promise it will help you seethings better. They always help me clear my head. I feel like I'min another place, far away from this depressing life we live all thetime." She handed Sham the pill bottle and then took out a joint.The two of them smoked the weed under the big oak tree andstarted feeling like they were on top of the world. After a whileSham said, "Thanks Kiki." He kissed her on the cheek and said,"Let's go to Nico's party."

It was almost midnight and the cutest couple in town hadarrived at the party. Everyone except Tasha, Sham's ex-girlfriendfrom middle school, was happy to see the couple show up.without provocation, Tasha walked up to Kiki and said, "I hateyou, you ugly slut and I hate you too Sham!" Kiki responded,"Whatever!!!" and started to walk away. Then, Tasha exclaimed,"Yeah, run with your tired-lookin' self ... you ain't nothin' buta tramp like yo' strip tease momma." That's when Kiki turnedaround and punched Tasha in the face. Sham tried to break thegirls apart and a big fight ensued. Everybody seemed to be a partof that unnecessary brawl. Someone called 5-0 and needless to saythe party ended.

Sham walked Kiki home afterwards and hung out at herhouse for a little while, but he was acting like he was in a tranceagain. He sat quietly while Kiki fussed about Tasha. Then,Sham instantly stood up and muttered, "Kiki, I need to use thebathroom and then I'm gonna go." He slowly walked down thehall to her tiny bathroom. It was the ugliest yellow washroomyou ever saw. The wallpaper was ripped from some sections onthe wall and the diagonal pattern on the tile floor made peoplefeel dizzy. An old brown shower curtain hung crooked revealinga glimpse of rusted handles on the bathtub faucet. The décor wasabsolutely grotesque. Amazingly, Kiki's mom had the audacity toput little doves on the splintered wood shelf that was nailed abovethe leaking toilet as if miniature dove figurines could bring anyserenity into that bathroom.

Sham looked in the mirror that night, hating the ghastlyreflection that stared back at him. He whispered to himself, "Ihate my life." Then, he reached into his pocket and took out thepills Kiki had given him at the park. He stared at the bottle andthen back at his reflection in the mirror before he swallowed all ofthe contents. When he walked toward the doorway, he envisionedthe word "freedom" and a faint smile appeared on his face. Shamhad imagined himself in a peaceful place.

Sham walked back to the living room and told Kiki goodbye.But, she pleaded with him to stay a little longer. She told himshe didn't want to be home alone and urged him to sit with her.Reluctantly, he sat down. They cuddled on the couch watchinga late night show until they both fell asleep. Kiki's mom finallycame home around 1:30 A.M. and started yelling. She shouted,"Sham has to go home. He should never be here at this time ofnight!" But when they tried to wake him up he did not move.The shook him repeatedly, but his body leaned lifelessly over thearm of the green couch. Kiki started sobbing and her mothercalled 9-1-1. The paramedics arrived within eight minutes andrushed Sham to the hospital. Kiki and her mom sped behindthe ambulance in their white civic.

Kiki was frantic. She had no idea what was wrong withSham. She was scared because he was still unconscious whenthey made it to the hospital. On the way there, she kept callingSham's house, but his dad was fast asleep on the couch in anotherdrunken stupor. Mr. Robinson never even heard the phone ring.Kiki called Sham's mom too, only to hear the greeting on her cellphone, "This is Evangelist Robinson, I am not available at themoment, but leave a message and I will be happy to call you assoon as possible. Remember, this is the day the lord has made,so be glad and rejoice in it." Finally, after late night services endedat church, the money was counted and the pews were in straightrows, Kiki was able to reach Sham's mother. It was 2:17 A.M. andthe scream Evangelist Robinson bellowed on the phone was not a"Hallelujah!" She had just found out that Sham's life was hangingin the balance.

* * *

Sham was tired of life. Many things had been weighing onhis mind. It seemed everywhere he looked he found despair,anger, resentment, and frustration. He no longer knew what itwas like to be happy. His goal was to escape pain by enteringinto death. He presumed that freedom existed outside of thisworld. Sham was the master of his fate, but he made the worstchoice. He had the ability to choose life. He could have sidedwith faith. But, he did neither.