CHAPTER 1

WINDOW ONE

Letting God Have It

The Lord is near to all who call on him,to all who call on him in truth.

Psalm 145:18

Letting God have it is our beginning prayer. Telling God off may not sound likepraying, and it's probably not the advice you'd expect to hear from a priest.But learning to be honest with God—telling God what you really think, thegood and the bad—is essential to the relationship established in prayer. Ispeak from experience.

Many years ago, as I was going through a transitional time in my life, a belovedpriest suggested I yell at God—and I reacted the same way many people dowhen I give them the same advice in my office today. At thirty, I was gettingready to go to seminary, my parents had just divorced, and my grandmother, whohad been the glue of my childhood and the constant peacemaker in our family,died. I was dealing with addiction in a loved one, winding down my law practice,giving up a sizable salary, packing all our belongings, and asking my wife andeighteen-month-old daughter to head off to a seminary in the middle of nowhere.In the throes of this amazing call to a new vocation, I should have beenecstatic. Instead, life made no sense and I was terrified by all the changesaround me.

I awoke one night horrified by life itself. I remember thinking that I was alonein the world and losing all that was dear to me. For the next several days, Islid into a deep, dark place that I had no idea existed. An abyss had beenbeckoning from within me, a place paradoxically both haunting and alluring. WhatI'd embarked on was my first dark night of the soul. All the transitions pulledand pushed me into a place of pain and suffering. I thought there was somethingso wrong with me that no one could love me, not even God. I didn't love myself.I hated myself and I thought about ending it all.

I didn't realize it at the time, but deep within, I was angry with God for myparents' divorce and for the death of my beloved grandmother. I wanted to yellout my anger but had no idea how to open my soul before God. My heart wasclosed, my desires were a mystery, and my life was a secret pain that only Iknew. Friends and acquaintances suggested various strategies for dealing withthe pain, but nothing worked. Exercise didn't help. Meditation was a farce. Icouldn't eat. And therapy—what a waste of time. I remember thinking, "Howcan I bear my soul to this shrink when I don't know what's going on in me, whenI am losing everything I've had? How can anyone understand?"

I began to do what I'd always done under high stress: I gave myself a pep talk:Hunker down. Bear it. Grit your teeth. Keep walking. Keep working. It will goaway. It will go away.

Thank God I sought the help of my priest. Someone I trusted and who knew mereally well, she made the simplest of suggestions: go to church; yell at God.Like Abraham and Sarah, I laughed out loud at the thought of a God so faithful.God wanted me to yell. Right. God was the soft, gentle, shiny thing up therebehind the altar rail. God was some disinterested divine being who walked in thegarden long, long ago and then left us—left me—here to figure itout. To yell at God implied that God could hear, might actually listen, andmight actually care. And even if God could hear me, as any good Southern boyknew, yelling at God was not allowed. No way. Absolutely no way. Yell atGod—get in trouble. Yell at God—go to hell. It sounded like aninvitation from the devil himself.

But my priest was right. I needed to yell at God. It was important, evennecessary. Without it, I was going to take up residence in the abyss. And so ona hot Sunday afternoon with no one around, I walked into our big, empty church.Standing there all alone, I thought I might be able to do it. I was sure Icould. But in that empty church, looking at that empty cross, I couldn't yell atthe Big Old Man. As much as I tried, my throat clenched like a fist and I stoodspeechless. Speechless. I was in the safest place on earth, before one who lovedme like no other, yet I was scared to death. There was no way I could do it. Itjust wasn't right, not holy, not me.

My priest said to go again. So I did. Five times. And on the sixth trip I beganto talk. Actually, I whispered. I thought I had to be polite. I thought I had touse language God would understand—good, holy, clean language. But aninteresting thing happened. As I whispered, I began to cry, and the tearsliberated me. What started as a cry became a curse, and with a single phraseflowing from my lips, from the depths of my life, I started praying. If you hadbeen a fly on the wall that day, you wouldn't have described my words as prayer.But for the first time in my life, prayer opened up for me like it never had.The words came and I found it easy to talk with God. I poured out my hurt, mydistress that God had not saved me from the pains of divorce, death, andaddiction. I told God all I was feeling, wanting, and hoping. About an hourlater, I was exhausted. I had yelled at God without stopping for sixty goodminutes and I was still alive. I was more alive than ever. God was more alivethan ever.

I had discovered that telling God off was essential in the midst of all thetransitions I was experiencing. Does that make you want to run from the room, orat least put down this book? Usually, people discourage us from telling God howwe really feel. But faced with the grief of our lives, most of us must find aplace to let God have it so we can give up control and begin to pray. Look atthe Psalms. One after another, the psalmists stand before us calling to thisplace. Consider Psalm 58, decrying the wicked and perverse. The psalmist is soangry that he asks God to break the teeth of the wicked in their mouths, to letthem vanish like water that runs off the mountains. Lots of other Psalms take asimilar path: Psalms 31, 38, 39, or 44 for starters. Each of them names theanger of the heart and asks why God doesn't answer.

Few of us enter into the prayer of the psalmists—we'd rather stay incontrol and hold on tightly. But I learned, standing in that empty church, thatI had to fall deeply away from God to fall deeply into God. I had to fall intoall the things I feared—into the horror and pain. By accepting God'sinvitation to tell my Creator off and give up control, my soul began to fillwith light and I saw it as it really was for the first time. My soul was God'ssoul—the empty tomb of God's love for me in the death and life of Christ.

Art can open this same window in your soul and bring in resurrecting light. Inthe safety of your spiritual home—your soul—you can discover God'sinvitation to prayer, which invites you to open your heart to participate in thedivine grace of God's love for you as you fall into the arms of Christ. Forsome, that might mean delving into pain and suffering. For others, it might meana totally different path. One woman, for instance, told me during a recent artmeditation that she'd never shared her joy with God, letting her soul'sthankfulness just rest in God.

No matter which response you experience, art facilitates the opening of thesoul's windows and allows your soul to take flight and soar in God's passion. Byits very nature, art allows your vulnerability and your joy to come to thesurface—literally—on surfaces of paper, canvas, or clay. It's inexpressing the darkness and joys of your life that you discover the grace ofGod's passion—a duet, if you will, of God's suffering and resurrectionwith you in your life. Art allows you to discover your soul resting inGod—your life's melody and the Son's song of redemption interwoven in theharmony and dissonance of your common life. This is the duet that God sings withyou when you're wiling to open the windows to your soul, let the light in, anddiscover that your very life is the empty tomb of grace.

Prayer One: Word Collage

Time Required: 1 hour

Here's a simple first step you'll probably enjoy as we jump into art and prayer.It's useful as a daily "check-in" or when you're having trouble identifyingwhat's going on in your life, so you may want to go back to this exercise againand again.

Opening Prayer

God, thank you for bringing me to a place of hopefulness. Help me to be myself,to let go, and to see you in this prayer. Amen.

Materials

Gather the following materials before you begin this exercise:

• A large piece of construction paper. Buy a pack and select the color thatappeals to you just before you begin. If you like this method after a few times,bind the collages together to form a journal. The patterns and themes will beimportant to revisit as you move deeper into your prayer life.

• Felt-tipped markers or colored pencils.

Prayer Method

• Find a quiet, comfortable place where you feel safe and willing to speakfreely to God. You might consider going to an empty church or a garden, ortaking a hike into the woods.

• Follow these simple steps.

– Close your eyes.

– Breathe deeply, starting from deep within your abdomen and breathing upinto your chest, all the way up to your collarbone. See if you can lengthen yourbreathing so that your inhalation and exhalation are equal, pausing between themfor just a couple of seconds. After breathing this way four or five times, letyour breath return to normal.

– Ask God to bless this time and help you be more willing to give yourselfover to your Creator.

– Begin to meditate on this question: What interferes with my relationshipwith God?

– As thoughts begin to materialize, take the markers and write down wordsor phrases that come to mind. Be sure to reserve one of the colors for later inthe exercise.

– Let the thoughts come as fast as they can; don't pause to analyze orjudge them. There are no right or wrong words to use when praying with God. Justlet your words and thoughts flow. If you show anger, remember that the psalmistsdid too. If you use strong words, be thankful that God allows you to be honest.

– Be creative. Write words upside down, diagonally, in a spiral,pattern—however you choose. Begin to let your inner artist come to life.

– When the thoughts stop coming, look over what you've listed. Are thereany themes? Do the themes spur you to consider other thoughts? If so, jot themdown on the page.

– Take a minute or two to relax and live with your responses. Don't judgethem. Just live with them.

– Now, take the colored marker you've reserved and write what comes tomind when you consider God's response to what you've written. Again, becreative. Let God's response be woven into your words—upside down,diagonally, whatever comes to mind. Does God have doodles to record? Does Godrespond with whimsical curls and designs?

– If you have trouble imagining God's response, ask yourself what you'vebeen waiting for God to say to you. What would God say if you were playing onthe schoolyard together or running a country road side by side? In other words,what would God as friend have to say to what you have discovered?

– When you are finished receiving God's response, take time to look at thecollage again. How does it make you feel? Take time to really live with it andlet it sink in.

– With your eyes closed, breathe deeply, as you did at the beginning ofthe exercise. After four or five deep breaths, let your breathing return tonormal and say "Amen."

Soul Questions

• Was it easier to identify your feelings than to tell God how you felt? Why orwhy not?

• What feelings did you experience? Did your feelings change when you consideredGod's response to what you'd written?

• What surprises came your way?

• What did you learn about your relationship with God?

Tools for the Journey

• Make a list of the times in your life when you've been honest with God. Whywas it possible at those times? Any time you hold things back from God, go tothis list and see how you not only survived but how you were strengthened.

• Think about your best friend. What makes it possible to be yourself with thatperson? How could that relationship influence your prayer life with God?

• Write down how you feel each day at the top of a journal page or on themargins of your calendar. Use the writings as a cheat sheet when praying.

CHAPTER 2

WINDOW TWOUnlearning Prayer

He was praying in a certain place, and after he had finished, one of hisdisciples said to him, "Lord, teach us to pray ..."

Luke 11:1

The road to God is never as straight and smooth as we wish it were. More thanonce I've been surprised by the wisdom passed along to me from other pilgrims onthe path. That's how I discovered that I needed to unlearn some of my prayers.Let me explain.

Many years ago, I traveled to a monastic community for a retreat. I wassearching for answers to spiritual bends in the road at thattime—especially as they related to my vocation. So, I thought a week ofsolitude and spiritual direction would help and made my way to Mirfield, ahistoric monastery in the North of England. I'd long admired the MirfieldFathers, men of the faith who also lived and worked among the longshoremen ofthe Docklands in London. They had also been instruments of peace andreconciliation in South Africa long before Apartheid ended. I sensed that thesemen would help me understand where I was in my journey and what recent rumblingsin my soul meant.

I took meals with the community at Mirfield, took lots of walks, reread T. S.Eliot's Four Quartets yet again, and sang prayers in the company of thebrothers all day long, from far before the sun came up until long after it wentdown. The discipline with which they sang their praises and laments to Godembodied the very pathway of the artist in prayer. In the melodic lines ofprayer they found a way to express their souls. It seemed to me the melodieswere canvases upon which they painted their life in prayer.

I also visited with Brother Peter, a spiritual director I'd known from myseminary days. I hoped he might point me in the right direction, or have someword of Scripture that would set me on a path toward wholeness. But what heactually had to say surprised me: "Let the prayers of the church be the prayersof the church," he advised me. "Say them without ceasing, but when you turn fromthem, be present in the moment of the task God sets before you. Let yoursculpting be your prayer. Let your painting be your prayer. Let your breath beyour prayer. Nothing more. Just be with God."

In other words, Brother Peter told me to unlearn what I knew about prayer. Ishouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater, of course, but I had to expandmy experience of prayer beyond the words I read in dusty old books. He wasright. I'd discovered enough freedom with God to be able to pray more openly,but mostly I was still praying in the language I thought God wanted to hear. Ithought God wanted prayer to sound like the words of Shakespeare or BillyGraham. But all the "thees" and "thous"—and even the campfire-friendlyGod-as-chum approaches—left me empty. What I'd learned in art hadn't comefully into my life of prayer.

Don't get me wrong. I come from a tradition where written prayers are themainstay. We need them. I need them. They're not only a part of me, they alsotie me to those who have gone before. From the Lord's Prayer to the words of theBook of Common Prayer, prayers from memory are a vital part of who we are asworshipping Christians. But sometimes we can hide in these prayers. If yourprayer is only an arrangement of stock phrases, then you're probably not pushingto new depths in your prayer life. We may be using the lovely words oftraditional prayers as a way not to tell God where we are in our lives.

The practice described in this chapter helps you examine the words you use, whyyou use them, and what they really mean to you. It will also allow you to findnew ways to express your soul before God, placing your whole person before yourCreator.

Prayer Two: Mixed Media

Time Required: 1–2 hours

This prayer identifies stock phrases you use in your prayers while alsoillustrating how your faith has both helped and hindered your prayer life. Itattempts to liberate the words we know by examining the words of your own faithtradition. That way, you make a conscious decision about whether those wordsenrich your prayer life.

Opening Prayer

God, help me pray with my own words to express my hopes, dreams, and fears. Openmy heart to hear your word in new and challenging ways and deliver me frompraying to please you only. Amen.

Materials

Gather the following materials before you begin this exercise:

• A worn Bible that you are willing to cut and tear.

• A worn book from your religious tradition that you are also willing to cut andtear. As an Episcopalian, the Book of Common Prayer is always an excellentresource. For Lutherans, the Augsburg Confessions might work; for aPresbyterian, possibly the Westminster Confession; for Catholics, perhaps amissal or a prayer book. If you're not willing to cut the book, use a photocopyfor your prayer.

• If you don't have a Bible or book from your religious tradition, collectreadings that have been important to you recently and consider making copies ofportions of them for use in this exercise.

• You might also gather copies of prayers that have been helpful to you in thepast. Are there prayers you associate with a wonderful day or event? Are thereprayers that have been painful, even prayers that may have tormented you alongyour spiritual journey?

• Select magazines that express various aspects of your life in society. Ifyou're a lawyer, for instance, a bar association newsletter might work. If youexercise, consider a running magazine or a periodical focusing on the sport youlike. If you're a cook, bring cookbooks, recipe cards, or food magazines to thetable. Whatever your interests, bring printed materials you're willing to cutand tear apart.

• Scissors.

• Rubber cement, tape, and, for heavier items, a glue gun.

• Other paper items that are central to your journey in the faith. You mightconsider making color copies of photographs of your baptism, a special retreat,or individuals important to your journey.

• Other non-paper items that express some aspect of your journey. If you have"relics" of important spiritual times that you could glue onto poster board,gather them if you are comfortable doing so. For example, an old cross necklaceor a pendant given to you at a crossroads in your life makes an excellentaddition to the mixed-media creation. Your creation will not necessarily bepermanent—you can always retrieve the items if you want.

• A piece of poster board. If you have many non-paper items you anticipateaffixing, consider purchasing a piece of foam core to use instead of posterboard. You can get foam core from a local craft store or frame shop.

• Acrylic paints or felt-tipped markers.