CHAPTER 1
The Dawn of Umonia; or the Historical Account of the Creation of the Umon Race: He Who Thinks by the Inch and Talks by the Yard Should Be Kicked in the Foot
It is often said that genius picks its victims at random, and in order to best tell my story, which is so devastatingly bizarre, I must begin with its history: how I, Ivan Karp, came to be the person I am in the world we live today. To be perfectly honest, if someone had told me I'd be sitting on a remote island surrounded by an altered species of people I helped create, I would have told them they were crazy. Be that as it may, such is the situation in which I find myself in the latter part of my life. So I will chart my journey from art dealer to liberator, a journey that began well before I was born.
It all started with my father, Hans Kasper Ivan Karp. I remember what my father told me about his life as a young man. He was born on September 2, 1886, in Saarbrucken, Germany, to a family of wealthy, rigid, Catholic industrialists. Unfortunately Hans did not fit the model of the repressed Victorian age or the strictness of his father, Ludwig. As a child my father could not relate to people. Ludwig detected that his son was unlike other children and did not conform to Ludwig's ideal. Ludwig, a deeply religious and conservative man, believed the world should be of a certain order and insisted that Hans pursue a career in medicine. He was firm on a strict, traditional education to socialize his son. Hans was painfully shy and hid away in his room, creating through drawing and writing a world he felt safe in. As his work developed, so did Hans's dream of becoming an artist. But Ludwig would hear none of that. Creativity or forward thinking was not a part of the repressed Victorian ideal, and Ludwig insisted that Hans become a physician. In order to appease his father, Hans decided to put aside his dream of pursuing a career in the arts, at least for the time being. Adhering to Ludwig's demands and putting practicality before passion, at the age of seventeen he applied to the University of Hanover in the hopes of becoming a surgeon. Fortunately Hans had an aptitude for medicine. Otherwise his father's decision would have proven the point that good judgment comes from experience and much of that comes from bad judgment.
Although socially awkward, Hans was unique in his outlook toward life, and if medicine was the route he had to take, his contribution to the world would without a doubt be a noble one. Hans's plan was to combine his artistic abilities with medicine and continue to create a world in which not only he but everyone would feel safe.
Follow your dreams—except that one where you're naked in church.
To say that my father was unique is indeed an understatement. His belief system developed rather early on in life. In his youth, the schools he attended were all male; therefore Hans's encounters with women were limited. Although aware of the differences between the sexes, Hans never fully agreed with the idea. He felt gender was a freak accident of nature (God's little joke) and needed to be corrected on every level—spiritually, physically, psychologically, and eventually naturally.
One day at the kitchen table my father confided in me. "There were times my sister and I would play dress up. She would put on my father's clothing and I my mother's. This went on well into our adolescence. We saw nothing wrong with what we were doing; that is, until one day a cousin who was in for the holidays brought to our attention that we were a bit confused and told our parents," Hans said. "As luck would have it, our parents sided with our cousin. My sister and I were forced to have limited playtime, especially if it involved rummaging through our parents' closets and nurturing my passion for cross-dressing. At this point in time," Hans continued, "I began to question my role in society. With the exception of my mother and sister, I had been sheltered from the opposite sex for most of my youth. Therefore I could not justify the need for gender. Why are there social differences when both sexes equally contribute to procreation? Is it fair to assume one is better than the other? Or is this an invention used by religions and governments to manipulate, control, and create social inadequacies?"
While studying medicine at the University of Hanover, Hans took an interest in gender unassignment. He was a huge admirer of Sigmund Freud, and although he did not agree with all Freud's theories, he liked the fact thaThe was addressing flaws in social and human behavior. "Now here's a man who is not afraid to think," Hans would say as he pounded his fist whenever he spoke of Freud, or anyone who came remotely close to challenging the system.
Natural selection is the process by which favorable heritable traits become more common in successive generations of a population of reproducing organisms, and unfavorable heritable traits become less common.
—Wikipedia
My father set forth to meet the challenge to invent a way of getting rid of sex and gender altogether. There would be no need to differentiate between the sexes, thus allowing for egalitarianism. His intention was for it to happen naturally, but knowing this was not feasible, he settled on a system that was as natural as possible. This became his life's mission: to relieve the world of sex and gender and to invent a new chromosome, which he would introduce into the species. This chromosome would eventually become the dominant factor and in due course become the norm. He came up with a formula thaThe knew was destined to work. If it were to be put into place, it would take several generations to achieve, thus creating a new form of human. Hans manipulated the word human and called his theoretical creation the umon species. This would also come to be known as the Z factor.
Hans would explain, "Other than for the purpose of procreation and preserving the species, there is no real need for gender or gender-specific behavior. As a matter of fact, the difference between women and men lies only in their genitalia. In terms of which one is more intelligent, they both behave badly and are driven by power and survival. This unsuitable manner festers in the penis as well as the vagina. Having made this statement, I declare a protest of gender altogether. Men will dress as women and women as men. There will be no standards as to what is right and wrong."
umon ('ü-män) n. 1. a human being that has been genetically, physically, and psychologically altered through the process of time 2. consisting of both sexes 3. a town in Nigeria 4. a Japanese surname or given name
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Children are our future, unless we stop them now!
—Homer Simpson
My father was excited by his theory and published a paper: The Umon Species: A Master Plan of Phasing out Sex and Gender in Its Entirety.
In order to continue his work and interest in genetic engineering, Hans presented his dissertation to the board and chancellor of the department of medicine at the University of Hanover in April 1910. They condemned his efforts and accused him of being a lunatic. Unable to defend his theory, he was asked to leave the university.
Needless to say, my grandfather was not pleased. Hans suggested that Ludwig read his thesis. After doing so, Ludwig decided Hans had an agenda, which was to "alter the natural order of life," and as a practicing Catholic, this went against Ludwig's beliefs. My grandfather concluded that his son was an atheist and demented to boot. Ludwig not only dissolved any financial responsibility but also forced Hans to sever all ties with everyone in his family. Banished from the safety of the life he was born into, Hans was told never to return.
Shaken but not discouraged, Hans saw his newfound freedom as a miracle. He left Hanover to study writing and painting at the Academy of the Arts in Berlin. It was at the academy that he met and befriended Kurt Schwitters, an avant-garde artist who was well entrenched in the art scene. The two enjoyed exchanging ideas and remained friends until Schwitters's death in 1949. At one point Hans returned to Hanover and rented studio space in Schwitters's home. He found Schwitters's Merz theory to be exhilarating as well as deviant.
Hans commented in his journal, "Who would have thought at the time one could equate banking [Schwitters had said the word Merz originated from the name of Commerzbank] with shit and live it as your lifestyle? This confirms my reason to reject the notion of gender and adopt my theory to rid the world and alleviate it from strangulation, stigma, and dogma. I could follow Schwitters's example and call it Gendermerz."
Berlin was Hans's first opportunity to seriously study art and literature. It was there he could indulge himself in perfecting his theory of gender as an art form rather than considering it only scientifically. He had high hopes he would continue his scientific inquiries at a later date, but for the time being, science had to take a backseat. His thesis was a radical idea, and he felt it needed to be accepted on an intellectual level first. Here Hans could study and get the feedback necessary to create something of substance that would carry his premise. His correspondence with Schwitters continued and gave him hope thaThe would become a part of a movement involving new thought, new paradigms. Unfortunately, only a year after he arrived in Berlin, World War I was declared. As communication was difficult during the war, they lost touch. Finding the war too gender specific, Hans decided not to enlist, but as luck would have it, he was drafted. Fortunately fate brought him together with Schwitters again but not until after the war had ended.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
The war was not kind to my father. A portion of his tongue was shot off while he was lighting a cigarette in a trench along the front lines (so much for three on a match). He suffered from acute shell shock, which led to severe depression and paranoia. The partial loss of his tongue (his speech was still audible but not perfect) only added to his deteriorating mental condition. In order to salvage his remaining sanity, he decided to defect from the army. Eventually he crossed the border into Switzerland and made his way to Zurich.
Zurich at the time was a safe haven for artists, writers, intellectuals, and revolutionaries, and its ambiance was just what Hans was searching for. No longer feeling alone and misunderstood, he dwelled among the leaders of the avant-garde and luxuriated in freedom of thought. With the exception of the absence of his friendship with Kurt Schwitters, Hans felt he had finally come home.
He found a small apartment near the Cabaret Voltaire and worked as a dishwasher. At the time Cabaret Voltaire, named after the French Enlightenment writer Francois-Marie Arouet (or, as we know him, Voltaire) was the central point of Zurich Dada. It was there he met Hugo Ball. Hans was invited to partake in Ball's famous piece "Elephant Caravan." Ball needed someone to help him onto the stage, because his costume was not conducive to movement.
Hugo Ball was a driving force of the Dada movement. His sound poetry was intriguing, and not only did it embrace a nonlexical approach to performing words, it offered a solution to Hans's new speech impediment. The first poem Hans wrote and performed was entitled "Geschlecht Ist Dada, Gender Is Dead!":
Une paaaarooom ippa,
Balanka vadda vadda comparagoop,
Is tune eina klinea Poona beep,
Geeennnnnnnnnnndddddddaaaaaaa,
Issssssss abooooootoooooon ipa,
De de d e eeeee deeeee fooooooon,
Balla compoop ina Poona beep,
Haroot barom my comrose alla gorcheek,
Ballenta garoona pap pop,
Pop!
Pop!
Pop!
Ooooona beep aromalda!
UUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!
The performance took place on April 4, 1916. The audience did not notice my father's flawed speech. Ball praised him and suggested Hans consider permanent status as part of the movement and a regular performer at the Cabaret. He would still be obligated to help Ball get onto the stage, but Hans seized the opportunity to become recognized as an artist and respected by the people he admired most. He finally had found just what he was looking for: an audience of intellectuals and radicals who would allow him to continue his theory of dissolving gender without deeming him a fool or a lunatic.
Again, from my father's writings: "My goal is to maneuver the geology of the human race into not two but one member that will define the species and self-regenerate. In generations to come there will be only one sex with no stigma attached to it. The male will no longer have to live up to his masculinity, and women will no longer have to be feminine. We will be one combined gender, erasing social and physical issues relating to either sex. This difference will dissolve and allow us to concentrate on matters that are otherwise plagued with sexism, which hampers our ability to reason."
To further his theory and gain more support from fellow philosophers, Hans wrote The Gender Manifesto, The first volume of which appeared in 1916 and the second in 1921. Both volumes went unpublished. He did not make enough money on his dishwasher's salary to self-publish, nor would anyone invest in his cause, buThe did manage to print a few copies and distribute them among his fellow Dadaists. Hugo found his theory to be potentially dangerous, especially if it happened to fall into the wrong hands. He felt it could be used to add fuel to an already smoldering situation in Europe. (Again, this confirms the theory that no one is listening until you fart.) To prove Ball wrong, Hans decided to put his theory into practice. He decided to change his name from Hans Kasper Ivan Karp to Hans Kasper Ivana Karp. The logic behind this was that the name Ivan was easily transferable from male to female and vice versa. Therefore making one of his middle names feminine freed him from gender specificity. Although finding Hans's theory terribly flawed, Ball admired the fact that he defied conformity and literally embraced total change. Two months after Hans's debut as a performance poet, Cabaret Voltaire closed its doors.
Just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Hans stayed in Zurich until the end of the war. Dada was at a turning point and growing. He wanted to return to Germany and spend time with his friend Kurt Schwitters. Fortunately communication opened after the war, and they were able to continue their friendship. Schwitters was anxious to explore the possibility of a sound collaboration. Hans too was excited and ready to put sound to pictures. While in medical school, Hans had started producing a series of drawings of what the umon would look like in its early stages, and in Zurich the drawings became more detailed. He drew creatures that resembled humans, some of which had breasts and none of which sported exterior genitalia. This was believed to be part of the process the umon had to go through in order to achieve total elimination of gender. They did in fact decide to call the project Gendermerz, since the collaboration was of equal importance to both of them, but unfortunately this was not to happen until many years later.
