WINNING WITH PEOPLE
DISCOVER THE PEOPLE PRINCIPLES THAT WORK FOR YOU EVERY TIMEBy JOHN C. MAXWELLThomas Nelson
Copyright © 2007 John C. Maxwell
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-0-7852-8874-9Contents
Acknowledgments..................................................................................................................................................................ixIntroduction.....................................................................................................................................................................xiiiThe Readiness Question: Are We Prepared for Relationships?.......................................................................................................................1The Lens Principle: Who We Are Determines How We See Others......................................................................................................................4The Mirror Principle: The First Person We Must Examine Is Ourselves..............................................................................................................15The Pain Principle: Hurting People Hurt People and Are Easily Hurt by Them.......................................................................................................25The Hammer Principle: Never Use a Hammer to Swat a Fly off Someone's Head........................................................................................................35The Elevator Principle: We Can Lift People Up or Take People Down in Our Relationships...........................................................................................45The Connection Question: Are We Willing to Focus on Others?......................................................................................................................57The Big Picture Principle: The Entire Population of the World-with One Minor Exception-Is Composed of Others59The Exchange Principle: Instead of Putting Others in Their Place, We Must Put Ourselves in Their Place...........................................................................68The Learning Principle: Each Person We Meet Has the Potential to Teach Us Something..............................................................................................78The Charisma Principle: People Are Interested in the Person Who Is Interested in Them............................................................................................88The Number 10 Principle: Believing the Best in People Usually Brings the Best Out of People......................................................................................97The Confrontation Principle: Caring for People Should Precede Confronting People.................................................................................................107The Trust Question: Can We Build Mutual Trust?...................................................................................................................................119The Bedrock Principle: Trust Is the Foundation of Any Relationship...............................................................................................................121The Situation Principle: Never Let the Situation Mean More Than the Relationship.................................................................................................132The Bob Principle: When Bob Has a Problem with Everyone, Bob Is Usually the Problem..............................................................................................142The Approachability Principle: Being at Ease with Ourselves Helps Others Be at Ease with Us......................................................................................152The Foxhole Principle: When Preparing for Battle, Dig a Hole Big Enough for a Friend.............................................................................................162The Investment Question: Are We Willing to Invest in Others?.....................................................................................................................174The Gardening Principle: All Relationships Need Cultivation......................................................................................................................177The 101 Percent Principle: Find the 1 Percent We Agree on and Give It 100 Percent of Our Effort..................................................................................188The Patience Principle: The Journey with Others Is Slower Than the Journey Alone.................................................................................................198The Celebration Principle: The True Test of Relationships Is Not Only How Loyal We Are When Friends Fail, but How Thrilled We Are When They Succeed 208The High Road Principle: We Go to a Higher Level When We Treat Others Better Than They Treat Us..................................................................................217The Synergy Question: Can We Create a Win-Win Relationship?......................................................................................................................228The Boomerang Principle: When We Help Others, We Help Ourselves..................................................................................................................230The Friendship Principle: All Things Being Equal, People Will Work with People They Like; All Things Not Being Equal, They Still Will............................................239The Partnership Principle: Working Together Increases the Odds of Winning Together...............................................................................................248The Satisfaction Principle: In Great Relationships, the Joy of Being Together Is Enough..........................................................................................258Final Review of the People Principles for Winning with People....................................................................................................................266Notes............................................................................................................................................................................269About the Author.................................................................................................................................................................275
Chapter One
THE LENS PRINCIPLE
Who We Are Determines How We See Others
I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member. -Groucho Marx
THE QUESTION I MUST ASK MYSELF: WHAT IS MY PERCEPTION OF OTHERS?
Have you ever started in a new job and had someone with experience in the organization tell you to watch out for this person or steer clear of that person? That's happened to me a number of times. When I took my first professional leadership position, my predecessor told me to watch out for two people: Audrey and Claude. "They'll cause you a lot of problems," I was told. So I went into my job expecting trouble from them.
First, I watched Audrey. She was a strong woman-and she had a strong personality. (It takes one to know one!) To my surprise, working with her ended up being a wonderful experience. She was confident and competent, and she got things done. We had a good working relationship, and she became a family friend. And Claude turned out to be an old farmer who loved the church. True, he was the greatest influencer in the organization. (More than thirty-five years later he still is.) But that didn't hurt my feelings. Why should I have expected a man twice my age who had been in that church all his life to follow me just because I had a leadership position and title? I made it my goal to work with Claude, and he and I got along well.
When I accepted a position at my second church, once again my predecessor warned me: "Watch out for Jim. He'll battle you on everything." So the first week I was there, I met with Jim. We had a difficult conversation, but Jim let me know that he loved God, loved the church, and was with me. He ended up being my number one guy during the years I was there. He went to battle all right-as my strongest supporter. I couldn't have asked for a better team member.
After I had accepted the position at my third church, the leader who preceded me offered to sit down with me and give me a heads-up on those who might cause me problems. As had been the case with the predecessors in the previous two positions, his heart was to help me. But I respectfully declined his offer. By then I'd been in leadership long enough to realize that his problem people wouldn't be mine-and vice versa. I would have no connection with some people he relied on, and others who left him cold would probably become key players for me. Why? Because who we are determines how we view others.
You Are Your Lens
A classic example of the impact of perspective occurred to me when I was in college. I was asked to be the best man in the wedding of my friend Ralph Beadle. I stayed with him the night before the ceremony, and early on the morning of his wedding day, Ralph wanted to go squirrel hunting. (I guess there's nothing like shooting small animals to calm a guy's nerves.) Ralph lent me one of his shotguns, and out we went into the woods. We walked around for a while, but I couldn't see any squirrels.
"Where are the squirrels?" I kept asking Ralph as I tramped around, making noise.
After I asked the question a half dozen times, Ralph finally said, "John, you stay on this side of the woods, and I'll go over to the other side."
Ralph hadn't been gone two minutes when I started to hear bam, bam. I still didn't see any squirrels, so I sat down and rested. I started to wish I had brought a book with me. I began to watch the chipmunks frolicking. Meanwhile, every now and then I'd hear gunshots. And I kept wondering, What is he shooting at?
A few minutes later Ralph strolled up. He had bagged his limit, and I had never even seen a squirrel.
"How come all the squirrels were on your side?" I asked.
Ralph just shook his head and laughed.
Who you are determines the way you see everything. You cannot separate your identity from your perspective. All that you are and every experience you've had color how you see things. It is your lens. Here's what I mean:
Who You Are Determines What You See
A Coloradan moved to Texas and built a house with a large picture window from which he could view hundreds of miles of rangeland. When asked how he enjoyed the view, he responded, "The only problem is that there's nothing to see." About the same time, a Texan moved to Colorado and built a house with a large picture window overlooking the Rockies. When asked how he liked it, he said, "The only problem with this place is that you can't see anything because all those mountains are in the way."
The story may be a little exaggerated, but it points out a truth just the same. What people see is influenced by who they are. People in the same room will look at the same things and see everything totally differently. That's always true with my wife, Margaret, and me. We'll be at a party chatting with people, and she'll come up and ask, "What was the guy in the blue sweater talking to you about?" I won't have a clue who she means. Margaret has great style and fashion sense. I don't. When I look at people, I don't see what they're wearing. It's all just clothes to me.
Each of us has his or her own bent, and that colors our view of everything. What is around us doesn't determine what we see. What is within us does.
Who You Are Determines How You See Others
A traveler nearing a great city asked an old man seated by the road, "What are the people like in this city?"
"What were they like where you came from?" the man asked.
"Horrible," the traveler reported. "Mean, untrustworthy, detestable in all respects."
"Ah," said the old man, "you will find them the same in the city ahead."
Scarcely had the first traveler gone on his way when another stopped to inquire about the people in the city before him. Again the old man asked about the people in the place the traveler has just left.
"They were fine people: honest, industrious, and generous to a fault," declared the second traveler. "I was sorry to leave."
The old man responded, "That's exactly how you'll find the people here."
The way people see others is a reflection of themselves.
If I am a trusting person, I will see others as trustworthy.
If I am a critical person, I will see others as critical.
If I am a caring person, I will see others as compassionate.
Your personality comes through when you talk about others and interact with them. Someone who doesn't know you would be able to tell a lot about who you are based on simple observation.
Who You Are Determines How You View Life
Here's an old story I used to tell in conferences. A grandfather was sleeping on the couch one day when his young grandchildren decided to play a trick on him. They went to the refrigerator and pulled out a bit of extra smelly Limburger cheese. They took the cheese and quietly rubbed a little into their grandpa's mustache. Then they hid around the corner to see what would happen.
After a few moments, the old man's nose began to twitch. Then his head started to toss. And finally Grandpa sat bolt upright on the couch with a sour look and said, "Something in here stinks!"
He got up, shuffled into the kitchen, took a deep sniff, and said, "It stinks in here too."
At that point, he decided to go outside to get a breath of fresh air, but when he took a deep breath, there was the foul smell again. "The whole world stinks!" he lamented.
The moral of the story? To a person with Limburger cheese under his nose, everything stinks! The good news for Grandpa is that he can remove the foul stuff from his mustache with soap and water, and things will seem sweet again. But a person who has foul stuff on the inside has a more difficult task. The only way to change how you view life is to change who you are on the inside.
We all have a personal frame of reference that consists of our attitudes, assumptions, and expectations concerning ourselves, other people, and life. These factors determine whether we're optimistic or pessimistic, cheerful or gloomy, trusting or suspicious, friendly or reserved, brave or timid. And they color not only how we see life, but also how we let people treat us. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Or to put it another way, in the words of psychologist and author Phil McGraw, "You teach people how to treat you." What you teach comes from how you see life. And how you see life comes from who you are.
A few years ago, I had the opportunity to teach leadership to the NFL's St. Louis Rams. The team invited me to attend one of their games afterward, and I was allowed to sit with the spouses of the coaches and players. I sat next to Kim Matsko, wife of associate head coach/offensive line coach of the St. Louis Rams, John Matsko. As we chatted, I asked her of all the cities where she had lived, what was her favorite? (She had lived in many states: Ohio, North Carolina, Arizona, California, New York, and Missouri.) Her response: "Where I am living right now."
"Oh, so you like St. Louis the best?" I said.
"No, I didn't say that. I like the place I'm currently living best," she answered. "It's a choice." What a great attitude! If you can maintain a perspective like that, you will always view life in a positive light.
Who You Are Determines What You Do
In Animals, Inc., Kenneth A. Tucker and Vandana Allman of the Gallup organization tell a story of barnyard characters that's meant to point out how companies mismanage their people. Believing that anyone can be trained to do anything, those in charge of the farm ask the workhorse to operate the computer. A shy sheep is encouraged to make sales calls. And here's my favorite: the scarecrow is sent into the henhouse to lay eggs. He works at it all day. Physically, he exhibits perfect form. With hens all around cranking out eggs, he tries and tries. But by the end of the day, exhausted, he has failed to produce a single egg.
You may be thinking, Of course, he doesn't produce an egg. It's pretty obvious that hens lay eggs, horses pull plows, and sheep produce wool. It's easy to see that natural ability affects what we do. But our thinking and our attitudes are as much parts of us as our talents and abilities. They also determine what we do. We cannot separate them, and if we expect results different from our makeup, we're in for disappointment.
Five Things That Determine Who We Are
What factors come into play in determining who you are? Obviously there are many, but here are what I consider to be the top five:
1. Genetics
When Margaret and I were young and naive, we believed that genetics played only a small role in a person's makeup. We thought environment was 98 percent responsible for who a person was. Raise your children to be like you, and they'll turn out like you. Then we adopted our children, Elizabeth and Joel Porter. We discovered that upbringing, character development, education, and spiritual instruction play important roles, but some things are hardwired into people that are going to be there no matter what their environment.
Your genetic makeup is probably good news and bad news. There are some qualities and characteristics you got when you were created that are awesome. That's true for every person on the planet. But there are also things you don't like. You may just have to learn to live with them. When it comes to character issues, work on your weaknesses. When it comes to talents, go with your strengths.
You don't have a choice on this one. You can't change your genes. However, of the top five factors that determine who you are, it is the only one you cannot change by making choices. The other four are, at least to some extent, up to you.
2. Self-Image
Poet T. S. Eliot observed, "Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They do not mean to do harm. They are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves." People are like water: they find their own level. A person with a negative self-image will expect the worst, damage relationships, and find others who are similarly negative. Those with a positive self-image will expect the best for themselves. And those who have a self-image that is both positive and accurate are likely to be highly successful, see others as potentially successful, and gravitate to other successful people. As psychologist Nathaniel Branden said, "We tend to feel most comfortable, most `at home' with persons whose self-esteem level resembles our own. Opposites may attract about some issues, but not this one."
It's said that Oliver Wendell Holmes was walking down a street one day, and a little girl joined him. When the girl started to turn back home, the famed jurist said, "When your mother asks you where you've been, tell her you've been walking with Oliver Wendell Holmes."
"Okay," said the girl confidently, "and when your folks ask you where you've been, tell them you were walking with Mary Susanna Brown." Now, that's someone with a positive self-image.
3. Experiences in Life
Once upon a time a group of villagers instructed their young shepherd, "When you see a wolf, cry wolf and we'll come with guns and pitchforks."
The next day the boy was tending his sheep when he saw a lion in the distance. He cried out, "Lion, lion!" But no one came. The lion killed several sheep. The shepherd boy was distraught.
"Why didn't you come when I called?" he asked the villagers.
"There are no lions in this part of the country," the older men replied. "The wolves are what you have to look out for."
The young shepherd learned a valuable lesson: people respond to what they are prepared to believe. And what prepares them for what they believe is their experience.
Hasn't that been true for you? Think about some of your childhood experiences. If you had great success in sports, they probably became an important part of your life. If you made friends easily, you probably enjoy being around people. If you were neglected or abused, that has made another kind of impact on you. Everything you've experienced has contributed to who you are.
We don't choose all of our life experiences; that was especially true when we were children. But we do choose many of the ones we have now. We choose who we marry. We choose our jobs. We choose where to take a vacation, whether to exercise, and what we learn. And people who have a particularly difficult background decide whether to pursue experiences that will improve how they live and think. We can't undo our past experiences, but we can reprogram ourselves using new ones.
4. Attitude and Choices About Those Experiences
Even more important than choosing our experiences is deciding what our attitudes will be about the experiences we have. As I already mentioned, we have only limited control over what we experience. However, we have complete control over our attitudes. Whether our outlook is up or down, expectant or reluctant, open or closed is completely our choice. I may not be able to change the world I see around me, but I can change what I see within me.
I believe that attitude is the second most important decision anyone can make. (The most important is faith.) Your attitude will make or unmake you. It's not the result of your birth, your circumstances, or your bank account. It's all a choice. (If you find this to be a difficult issue, you may want to look at two other books I've written: Failing Forward or The Winning Attitude.)
5. Friends
In a Peanuts strip by Charles Schulz, Charlie Brown rests his head in his hands while leaning on the wall, looking miserable. His friend Lucy approaches.
"Discouraged again, eh, Charlie Brown?"
Charlie Brown does not even answer.
"You know what your trouble is?" Lucy asks. Without waiting for a response, she announces, "The whole trouble with you is that you are you!"
Charlie Brown says, "Well, what in the world can I do about that?"
"I don't pretend to be able to give advice," Lucy replies. "I merely point out the trouble!"
If Charlie Brown wanted to improve himself, perhaps a place to start would be to find a new friend.
One of the most important things you will ever do is to choose your friends. As parents, Margaret and I carefully watched the friends our children chose. We knew that positive people with good character would help to lift our children up. Negative people with poor character would pull them down. We always made our home a place where our kids and their friends would want to spend time so that we could see who was influencing them.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from WINNING WITH PEOPLEby JOHN C. MAXWELL Copyright © 2007 by John C. Maxwell. Excerpted by permission.
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